Forgiving You

by Melissa Bender

  I grabbed a towel for Chris, my eyes lingering over his body for a slow second, trying my hardest not to get caught perving, but I had definitely missed that body—running my fingers up and down his tight stomach down to the dark spread of hair above his thick cock that was kept neatly trimmed.

  Ugh, I needed to think of something else. I needed a distraction big time.

  “Would you want to see her room?” I offered; it was all I could come up with.

  “She has her own room? Like a nursery here?” He wrapped the towel around his waist after drying the droplets from his body. There was a noticeable bulge in the groin region as the towel was flushed to his skin.

  My words caught in my throat as I coughed. “Yeah, it’s not like the one at home, but it’s still nice.”

  “I need to talk to you about that as well.” He ran another towel through his wet hair, drying it off.

  I nodded, leaving him to clean up as I went down to the other bedroom. I had wrapped little Lucy in her towel and was busy blowing raspberries on her bare belly. She stuck her tongue out, squirming with big wide eyes, to which I mirrored her actions with a smile as I pulled silly faces.

  I hadn’t noticed Chris in the doorway until I spotted him out the corner of my eye. I looked up and gave him an uncertain look. He hadn’t moved; he was watching with intent. When I went to question him, he broke out into a warm smile, which I then mirrored. “You know, I really do love you.”

  “I know. I love you, too,” I answered honestly, as I stood back upright. “I haven’t stopped loving you, Chris. Sometimes, I wish I could have done. It’d be easier, but I just can’t switch my feelings off. That isn’t me.”

  “You shouldn’t love me. I’ve hurt you too much.” He turned, facing me after he reached in and took a sleepsuit for Lucy to wear to bed. I ignored his statement. My mind was saying he was right.

  “She needs another feed before bed. I might just sit in here and do it.” I lifted Lucy up, then sat on the light grey fabric rocking chair beside the window.

  My eyes closed as I fed; the relief soothing as she hungrily guzzled down her milk. Chris was on the floor, reading Lucy’s hospital book, looking over everything to see what else he missed. His words, not mine. I let him be; there wasn’t much more I could say about the birth. The only way he could see was through the photos and reading what the midwives wrote.

  “What did you want to talk about earlier? You mentioned the apartment.” I looked up, clipping my bra back on.

  He frowned, biting his lip before kneeling and taking my hand in his. “Don’t be mad, but I’ve already sold it.”

  If I weren’t sitting down, I would have fallen to the floor or dropped Lucy. He what?! “Excuse me? So when did you have it on the market?” I asked again in slight disbelief.

  “Look. I was mad and upset. I made a rash decision when I realised you had gone. I sold it the week after you left.” His adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed hard.

  “Oh,” I whispered, not knowing what else to say. Our home was gone.

  “Don’t look so disappointed; it wasn’t suitable for children.” His blue eyes rolled, and he brushed his thumb over mine. “I brought us a house with a yard like you wanted; it’s a big place,” he spoke a little hesitantly. “It’s safe for Lucy. She can grow up outdoors, and the neighbourhood is quiet.”

  I listened to him as he described the house; it sounded amazing, something I wasn’t expecting. He had always loved living in the city. It was convenient for him because of his work. We had spoken about the suburbs before, but nothing ever came of that. I just didn’t expect him to go out and buy us a home without me being there with him. To decide together.

  “What if I don’t like it?” Probably not the best thing to say to a man making a grand gesture.

  When he pulled out his phone, he swiped through each photo. I was pretty much speechless. It was the big white modern farmhouse I had always dreamed of. There was land, and beautiful high ceilings with timber beams; a stunning large kitchen, wooden flooring, and marble benchtops; a swimming pool in the backyard, with plenty of room for chickens, and a swing set. It just blew me away.

  “I want you both to come back with me. Please.” He looked up at me, his brows dipped slightly. “Come home with me.”

  “But I’m here,” I said quietly. “I can’t just leave when I’ve made this a temporary home.”

  “Then I’ll buy this place as well. I want you home, Char—where you belong, us as a family,” he said firmly. “The three of us.”

  I knew he wouldn’t hesitate to whip out his chequebook and buy this place. He probably already has brought it, but still, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to leave. He may have come back this morning, but it was too soon to make my mind up. The pain I felt was still too raw and real. If I came back with him, that would mean all is forgiven, which definitely wasn’t.

  “I just need time.” It was all I could manage to say.

  He nodded, but I knew he was disappointed that I didn’t say yes. He just needed to gain back the trust that was broken. I was scared of moving back, and then him leaving again. My heart couldn’t take any more pain.

  There was a quiet knock on the door. Adam popped his head in, giving me a smile as he walked in and closed the door behind him. “She’s been quiet today.”

  “Yeah, she’s good. Did you catch up on sleep?” I asked, noticing he seemed a lot more awake than before.

  “Yeah, I don’t feel like dead as much.” He chuckled, sitting on the floor beside Chris.

  The three of us spoke as if nothing had gone wrong. Adam wasn’t rude to Chris, which I really was thankful for. I didn’t want to listen to another dispute. I just wanted to have a quiet night where we could try and get back to normal. To find a normal that was enough for everyone to try and maintain some peace, to allow things to be worked out, and for us to work on our relationship. Fighting and arguing solved nothing at all.

  “I need to warn you that when you step out of this room, Mum and Dad are holding an intervention for you,” Adam told me, shaking his head while laughing.

  “What!?” I groaned making both men chuckle as I stood and passed Lucy to her father. “Put her to bed, please. I’m going to see what my parents want.”

  Chapter Nine

  “Sam, I would like to introduce to you my girlfriend, Charlotte.” Chris beamed as he and the older man shook hands.

  “Pleasure to meet you,” Sam greeted, leaning forward and offering me a handshake.

  Sam was a partner at their firm. They were having their annual Christmas dinner, and Chris asked me to come with him. Hell to the yes, I accepted. I wore a little white cocktail dress, nothing too revealing, but it held a hint of sexiness and class. Chris wore a black suit, and by the end of the night, I was going to have him half naked and screwing me in the back of the car.

  “Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?” he whispered against my ear as his hand slid from the curve of my hip to my ass.

  “Six times already, but I’m still listening.” I grinned, reaching behind my back and shooing his hand away.

  He laughed and placed a light kiss over my mouth, his hand still holding onto my waist. I looked up and saw a leggy brunette strutting across the room directly towards us, her eyes dancing with happiness as she kept her sight on Chris. I groaned when I realised who it was: his assistant.

  “Be nice,” he whispered in my ear with a smirk.

  “I’ll blow you on the drive home if you don’t touch her,” I whispered, and he immediately closed his mouth.

  “Chris, good to see you.” She went to lean in to kiss his cheek. He had suddenly stepped aside out of her reach, clearly wanting his evening blowjob. Unfortunately, her footing lost balance, and she tripped, spilling her glass of red wine.

  I bit my lip to stop the massive laugh that was trying to escape. Adam looked up and realised what had happened as she screamed out. He turned around, and I could see his body shaking as he laughed on
the sly. I would have felt bad if she wasn’t such a massive bitch.

  “You pushed me!” She turned to me; her little red number was stained with alcohol.

  Was she crazy?! “No, I didn’t. You tripped.”

  “Chris!” She glared at him

  Expecting Chris to back me up, he instead said nothing, passing over a napkin towel and helping the leggy brunette clean up the spilt liquid. She glanced at me with a victory smile.

  Oh wow, just how I wanted to spend the evening. I walked off and left the party. I didn’t say goodbye to Chris. I did text Adam and told him I was leaving if Chris asked; he should know the reason for my early departure.

  About ten minutes after I had gotten into bed, freshly showered and in my pyjamas, Chris walked through the door, looking ready to blow, and not in the way I’d prefer. “What the fuck was that?” he half shouted. “You left me there alone.”

  Rolling my eyes, I scoffed with a sarcastic laugh. “Rule number one when in a relationship: always stand up for your girlfriend, not the fucking whore who’s trying to screw you!” And with that, I threw him a pillow and left him to sleep on the couch.

  That was our first fight.

  The next morning, I woke up to thirty red roses by the bed and a note that said: “I’m sorry.”

  ***

  My parents were sitting at the small wooden table when I walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen alone. Then I noticed what was on the dinner table.

  I swear, Mum went and brought one of Nigella Lawson’s cookbooks, making everything in it. There was food—more than enough. Even dessert, and I rarely ate dessert.

  “Sit. Eat,” she commanded. “There is enough for everyone. The boys can join us too, once Lucy is in bed, of course.” Mum smiled. I looked at her warily because earlier, she was yelling about how Chris was here, ruining all our plans. But now, she had cooked a family dinner? I couldn’t keep up with her.

  I took a seat just as Chris walked out with Adam behind him, both talking about football. The two of them often went to watch a game, becoming more of brothers than co-workers. Sitting down next to me, Chris’s hand went straight to my lap. It was instinct, and as he realised, he started to pull away, but I grabbed a hold, keeping it there. I had forgotten how nice that felt, the small comfort it gave me.

  I needed to let him do the things he used to. I had to try as much as he was. We had to try.

  Of course, Mum went straight to dishing my own plate up. I was obviously “incapable” of doing anything for myself. I knew she wanted to watch what I ate, and honestly, I was hungry, but not starving. I didn’t need to eat as much as she was piling up. I loved her dearly, and clearly, she was just trying to help and make sure I was okay, but I wasn’t a child anymore.

  When she spun around to go back into the kitchen, Chris swapped plates with me. I noticed he had only placed half of what was on the other one. I smiled at him and he winked, knowing exactly what I was thinking.

  “So, Chris. How’s work been?” It was a usual question, but coming from my dad, it caught us off guard.

  All of us stopped eating and looked at dad. This morning, he wanted to hit Chris, but now, he was acting normal. I really didn’t get my family at all.

  “Busy. I had court all this week,” he answered before taking a bite of his scotch filet steak.

  “That’s good.” Mum smiled as she came back from the kitchen. “And, did you win them?”

  He nodded “Yes. One is going to trial, but the other two were quashed by the judge.”

  Adam cut in, asking about Ness, and I rolled my eyes. He needed to just ask her out and stop beating around the bush with these annoying questions. I could see right through him. Chris then asked my parents about their travels and the places they went to; they seemed to have really enjoyed their time away. But they were glad to be back home with us kids and Lucy.

  “I want to visit Bali.” I grinned. “I’d love to go there.”

  Chris smiled. “We could have gone for our honeymoon, but you chose the Maldives.”

  I looked at him like he was crazy. “Umm.” I laughed, nudging him. “Well, yes, that’s true. Next holiday then.”

  “Charlotte, have you decided on what to do?” Mum spoke with her soft voice, interrupting us. I knew the intervention my brother had warned me about had started.

  I looked up at Mum and frowned; all eyes were on me which made me extremely uncomfortable. “What are you talking about?”

  “Well, we have the room at our house.”

  I ran my hand through my hair and shrugged. I hated confrontation. “I don’t know yet,” I mumbled. “I’m fine here for the time being.”

  “But you can’t do it alone,” she pressed, her eyes glued to mine.

  Opening my mouth to talk, it closed again as Chris cut in. “She won’t be alone. I will be here.”

  “You have a job; your life is in the city. It’s not like you cared about them before, just kicked her to the curb.” Dad scoffed, brushing Chris off. “You’re a fool of a man. You can’t come back crying for forgiveness when you damn well fucked up.”

  Chris didn’t say anything as he nodded. He stood up and walked down to the bedroom, closing the door without another word. I looked at Adam, urging him to help, but he just sat in silence. It wasn’t his fight. This was my own, and I needed to nip it in the bud before they started anymore.

  “Thanks a lot.” I hissed, keeping my voice low. I didn’t want Lucy to wake and scream. “Chris is trying. You were all for him being back here earlier on, and now that he is, you’re telling him to piss off?”

  “Well, I just want him to feel something. He can’t just waltz in here and expect everything to go back to normal. He screwed up and hurt you, god damn it!” The volume of his voice increased like a thunder as his fist slammed to the table.

  “Dad,” Adam spoke with his own voice rising. “Clearly, you don’t know the whole story, so just calm down.”

  “I don’t care! Charlotte, either you come back with us tomorrow, or—”

  “Or what?” I asked, standing up. “You’ll throw me over your knee and hit me with your belt?”

  Mum’s eyes widened, and she frowned with disgust. “Charlotte, that wasn’t very nice.”

  “And neither are you, making Chris feel worse than how he already feels!” I exclaimed, throwing my hands up. “You’ve been nothing but horrible to him. Jesus Christ.”

  “Why the hell are you standing up for him?” Dad stood, leaning over the table with both hands on the wood, glaring harshly at me.

  “Why? Because he’s my husband, and when I stood up there, I promised forever, not just until things got tough!” I hollered back at him. Standing with a jerk of my chair, I walked off towards the bedroom, feeling more pissed than I did at the start of dinner.

  Chris was lying down when I came back in and slumped against the door. I was trying, but it was hard. Really fucking hard. I understood why they were mad, but it wasn’t their right to be rude. They couldn’t give Chris a chance to make things right. “You know, you shouldn’t stick up for me, Char,” he spoke, breaking my trance as I turned to him.

  “Would you rather I didn’t?” I asked, making my way to the bed and spotting Lucy fast asleep beside him, her dark lashes fanning out over the tops of her cheeks.

  He didn’t say anything to start with; he just pinched the bridge of his nose and inhaled. “I’d rather you hate me, tell me you didn’t love me, and make me beg you each day to let me near our daughter.”

  “Christopher, don’t. I can’t deal with a pity party right now.” I just couldn’t listen to him hating himself, and my family hating him. “Does your family know that I’ve had the baby?” I asked, sitting down next to him.

  “Yes.” He sighed again. “They’re pretty pissed off, angry, and hurt.”

  “I shouldn’t have taken off, but they wouldn’t talk to me.” I felt myself starting to cry; the build-up of emotion was getting to me. “All my friends hate me. Your family s
topped talking to me, and I was alone. God, so badly I want to hate you, Chris. I really do. So badly I want to divorce you and never see you again, never have to look at you, and just live a life where I hate you.” I reached over, tilting my head to the side as I ran my fingers over the white duvet. “But I can’t because I love you. I love you so fucking much it hurts. It hurts me to love you.” My voice broke, and I sniffed back the tears.

  I stood up, salty tears falling down my cheeks and walked towards the window as I broke down and started sobbing hard. I found myself being pulled into a chest, a set of strong arms wrapping around me as I gripped his shirt tightly, crying as all my emotions came out and let loose. The pain gripped my heart and just hurt.

  “I’m so sorry, Charlotte.” His words were soft, lips pressed to my head as he pulled me ever closer to him.

  We stood there, holding each other until my legs grew tired. Chris pulled me down onto his lap as he sat on the sofa chair next to the window. I have no idea how long we were just sitting for; it had been well over an hour, the sunset and the sky grew dark.

  I was tired, too exhausted to move.

  When I yawned, he took the hint I needed sleep and helped me back up.

  Undressing and changing into pyjamas, I pulled back the duvet and climbed in. “What are you doing?” I asked, with a crinkle of my nose.

  “Char, I think I’ll just go stay somewhere else,” he whispered, walking back towards the door. “I don’t want to hurt you by being around. I’m sorry.”

  “Chris, stay here, please. I promise it’s okay.” I scooted over and pulled the covers back more, patting the empty space beside me. “I want you here when I wake up.” I let out a loud yawn and sleepily smiled at him as my head hit the pillow. “Please.”

  He came back to the bed and started to undress. I watched every muscle move as he raised his hands to pull his shirt off. Clad in tight boxer shorts alone, he came over to me. Normally, he would sleep naked. I moved closer as his arms hesitantly wrapped around me, bringing me close against his body. I felt the warmth of his lips as he kissed my forehead gently, resting my head against his chest.