by Aidan Wayne
* * *
They said goodbye to Rachel outside the pub, and then Dovid offered Sam his arm as they walked towards Sam’s flat. Dovid noticed how, after several minutes of walking, some of the noise died down, especially the hustle and bustle of the general evening crowd.
“It’s quieter,” he said.
“A bit, yes. I live on a cul-de-sac, just a touch out of the way. I think it’s very nice.”
Dovid smiled. “Well, it sounds nice.”
“So here it is,” Sam said, as he put a hand on Dovid’s shoulder to stop them from walking any farther. “This is my building.”
“It looks great,” Dovid said, tilting his face up.
Sam chuckled. “It is actually a rather nice building. It’s old brick. Here, the door is just this way. And then I’m up the stairs and down the hall.”
“Lead the way.”
Sam was an excellent leader. He didn’t walk too fast, kept making sure that Dovid was following along, and kept up a steady stream of chatter that was easy to follow as well. Soon enough they were at Sam’s door. Dovid swallowed, suddenly nervous, and grabbed the straps of his backpack. He’d brought enough for an overnight or two. Because this was it. He was at Sam’s house.
“Let me show you around,” Sam said, as he ushered Dovid inside. “The layout is actually fairly open so, erm, so hopefully it won’t be too hard for you.”
“You sound about as nervous as I feel,” Dovid laughed.
“You’re nervous too?”
“Oh yeah. Butterflies in my whole body, not just my stomach.” He reached out for Sam’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “Every time I’m, like, reminded I’m here with you, I get nervous all over again. I just want you to like me so much.”
“I do like you so much,” Sam said. “You’re as wonderful as I thought you were before we even started dating.”
“Yeah?”
“I thought you were wonderful when I saw your video where you plugged my channel. And then in all the videos after that.” Sam laced his fingers through Dovid’s own.
Dovid grinned. “Same here. But I knew about you before you knew about me, so I get extra points.”
“Points? What are we going for, here?”
“Not sure yet. But it’ll be something cool.”
“Whatever you say,” Sam said, sounding amused.
“I do say. Now then, you were showing me around?”
The layout of the apartment did end up being super simple to navigate. The kitchen/living space was one big open, airy room with the kitchen setup taking up one length of the wall, a kitchen table opposite the fridge, a couch dividing the rest of the room up, and a desk setup tucked away on one side.
“Is this where the magic happens?” Dovid asked, running his hands over the wooden table.
“I suppose it is,” Sam said.
“What kind of setup do you have?”
“Nothing too outrageous. I’ve a computer, two monitors, speakers, and my mic headset.”
“Perfect for gaming. Not so much for opening blind boxes, but you could always do that on your couch. It’s a nice couch. In terms of feel anyway. If it’s covered in lime green polka dots it might not be the best for camera.”
Sam laughed. “Nothing that ostentatious. It’s just light blue.”
“Oh, light blue is good! Pale colors make good backgrounds. Things stand out more. Or so I’m told, anyway.”
“You’re the expert,” Sam said. “Now here, let me show you to the bedroom and bathroom.”
“Good idea. Need to be able to navigate both those places.”
“And we can set your bag down too.”
And maybe have fun together on the bed, Dovid thought. What could he say? He was an optimistic guy.
“Here’s the bedroom, and the bathroom is just through here,” Sam said, leading Dovid to another door. Dovid took stock of it, then went back into the bedroom where Sam was.
“Bathroom’s connected to your bedroom, huh? Bet that means you have to keep it tidy.”
Sam laughed. “I’m prone to tidiness anyway; it was sort of beaten into me by my parents.” Dovid went cold. What...was that just an expression or—Sam had laughed but—
Should he say something? Sam kept letting little things about his parents slip that were rapidly making Dovid inclined to hate them, but weren’t you like, not supposed to bring stuff like that up?
Sam had laughed.
“Anyway,” Sam said, since he was still talking, “it’s not as though I have guests over all that much.”
“As long as the floor is clear for me to navigate, I’m happy,” Dovid said, focusing back on the now. He shrugged off his backpack.
“Here,” Sam said. “Where would you like to set your bag?”
“On the floor at the foot of the bed is good. Easy to find.” So saying, Dovid went to do just that. When he stood again, he turned and held out a hand to Sam. Sam obligingly took it, stepping closer.
“I had a nice time tonight,” Dovid said, running his thumb over Sam’s knuckles. “I’m still having a nice time.”
“Me too,” Sam said, before lifting Dovid’s hand to his mouth and kissing his fingers.
Dovid’s hand flexed, pleasure washing through him, and then he was reaching for Sam to kiss him properly.
When they parted, Sam said, a little breathlessly, “I feel bad.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re here, and there’s so much we could be doing or I could be showing you, and instead all I really want is to curl up with you and not move.”
“That honestly sounds like the best idea,” Dovid said, before adding, with a wicked grin, “But maybe we could move some.”
“Really? You don’t mind that you’re not...out there? Exploring?”
Dovid went to sit on the bed, leading Sam to it to sit next to him. He took both of Sam’s hands in his, still reveling in the fact that he was able to. “Not really? I mean, first of all, it’s like nine at night. Most of what we could do is go out drinking. Choosing between that and staying home with you, I’d definitely pick staying home with you. Second of all, traveling and exploring and filming and editing is all Rachel and I have been doing these last few days. These last two weeks! It’s nice to be able to slow down a little and get some relaxing in. And third of all, I’m only going to get you in person for so long. I want to take advantage of every minute we have. Until you get sick of me, I mean.”
“I don’t see myself getting sick of you anytime soon,” Sam said.
“Aw, thanks. Right back atcha.” Dovid laughed. “Rachel’s been teasing me since we started the trip, about how we’d be in the honeymoon phase for the entirety of it. I was more nervous about meeting you in person because sometimes an online presence is different from an in-person one. I was worried we wouldn’t get along or that we even might not like each other face-to-face.”
“I had the same fears. I mean, I know you saw my videos, and of course we spoke and I loved those conversations but... I’m not the easiest with my words. When I text you, I can always take the time to go over things before I send them, to a point.”
“Yeah, I get that. My videos are the same way. I fix a lot of what I do in editing. So unless we put up a blooper reel, people don’t see my goofs.”
“I like your goofs.”
Dovid wasn’t going to stop smiling anytime soon.
* * *
True to Sam’s word, he did end up pulling Dovid down until they were both lying flat on top of his bedspread. Dovid made a pleased noise and shifted so that he was nestled into Sam’s side, his face pressed into the crook of Sam’s neck. Sam wrapped an arm around Dovid’s shoulders and closed his eyes, simply basking in Dovid’s presence, about the fact that they were still with each other, could still touch.
He did so love being able to just touch Do
vid.
As the minutes passed, Sam drifting happily, Dovid’s fingers started stroking down his chest until they reached the hem of Sam’s shirt. He pressed a kiss to Sam’s neck and dipped his fingers underneath the fabric to stroke along Sam’s skin. “Okay?” Dovid murmured.
“Of course,” Sam said. Though he was a little surprised. Especially once Dovid moved against him and Sam could feel him, hard against his leg. “Oh.”
“Oh?”
“I—nothing, sorry—”
Dovid pulled back, braced himself so that he wasn’t lying on top of Sam anymore. His eyes were closed—Dovid had told him they normally were when he wasn’t wearing his glasses—but with anyone else it would have been a position to maintain eye contact. “You sound confused. What—did I do something—what did I do?”
Sam swallowed. And look at him, making such a nice time awkward. “Nothing! Really. Sorry, I—I guess I just wasn’t expecting...”
“Yeah?” Dovid prompted, when Sam trailed off.
“Sex,” Sam blurted out, feeling like a teenager. “I wasn’t, um, I wasn’t thinking about it, but I don’t mind that you were, of course I don’t, so—”
“Sam, it’s okay,” Dovid said, moving completely away until he was lying next to Sam again, but not touching him. Sam missed him at once. “It’s okay. I didn’t—I’m sorry if you...thought I was pushing you. You can always, always say no to me. Okay? Please do, if you need to. Please.”
“I wasn’t saying no.” Sam tried not to sound too desperate. “I just wasn’t thinking about it. Like I said, I really don’t mind. I just... I wasn’t... I don’t...” He reached for Dovid’s hand, curled their fingers together, pressed a kiss to Dovid’s knuckles.
Dovid exhaled shakily, clutching at Sam’s hand before relaxing a little. “Sam, wait. Wait. Not minding something and wanting to do something are two really different things.”
Were they? But Sam didn’t... “But I don’t mind,” Sam said again, grasping for the words he wanted. “I...it’s just not something I think about. I want to. I do. It just—it just—”
“You weren’t thinking about it,” Dovid finished, frowning.
Sam hated to disappoint him. “I’m sorry. Please don’t be upset.”
Dovid sucked in a breath, then quickly said, “I’m not upset. Don’t be sorry. Don’t ever, ever be sorry for telling me how you feel. Communication, right? That’s ridiculously important to me. Especially since I can’t get most visual clues.”
“Okay,” Sam said quietly.
Dovid squeezed Sam’s hand. “Sam, have you...ever thought about sex with another person before? Like, you know, wanting to do it?”
Sam swallowed. He was going to be honest, but here he was, about to disappoint Dovid again. “Not really. It never really crossed my mind. In passing sometimes, growing up with everyone else making such a deal of it, but I never...” He sighed. “Not until you. And it’s so important to you, I know it is.”
“Do you...does it bother you?”
“Oh no! No, not at all. I really do mean it when I said I don’t mind. It—it does feel nice. I do like what we’ve done so far. I’d like to continue learning about things with you. I...my favorite part is just being with you. Touching.”
Dovid squeezed Sam’s hand again, smiling fondly. “So you really like the cuddling.”
“Yes. So much.”
“Great. Me too. And kissing?”
“I—I like that.”
“But you could take or leave the sex?”
“Um.”
“Sam,” Dovid sounded careful but not angry. “Are you asexual?”
That brought Sam up short. “What?”
“Asexual,” Dovid said again.
“What—what’s that?”
Dovid stroked his thumb over the back of Sam’s hand. “It can mean different things to different people, but the general base is that an asexual person doesn’t feel sexual attraction to others. It often also means a low sex drive, though it doesn’t always. You can still like sex, or even want it, but in the end, for a lot of people...”
“You could take it or leave it,” Sam said reeling with disbelief. There was a word for him?
“Yeah. I mean, again, everyone sort of defines themselves—it’s a spectrum, you know? But Rachel’s asexual. She’s sex-repulsed though. It grosses her out.”
“It doesn’t gross me out,” Sam said slowly, working through his thoughts. “I quite enjoy being with you. The thought of continuing to be with you. And I really mean it when I said I don’t mind. I like being with you. And I know it makes you happy. So having sex with you is a way to make you happy that I also, um, enjoy.”
“But?” Dovid prompted, when Sam fell silent. “It sort of sounds like you have more you wanna say. Seriously, this is good. It’s great we’re talking about this. Please don’t worry that I’m going to be upset.”
Sam worried his lip with his teeth before saying, “I suppose it just comes down to the fact that you’re right. I love the cuddling and the kissing. I don’t often think about more than that.”
“And that’s okay.”
“But I—I want to be able to be more, for you.”
Dovid scooted forward again until he could rest his head on Sam’s shoulder. “All I want is for you to be happy and comfortable with what we do. I want you to feel safe. I want you to enjoy yourself. If you like sex, even if it doesn’t cross your mind to start something, I’d be so down for experimenting. And, you know, initiating stuff. But that also means you’ve got the right to tell me if you don’t feel like it.”
“That won’t bother you?”
“Nah.”
“Oh.” Sam wanted to believe him. That he wasn’t being a bother by...being the way he was. “Alright.”
Dovid pressed a kiss to Sam’s shoulder. “Sam?”
“Yes?”
“I love you. All of you, and all the ways you are. Okay?”
Regardless of how else Sam was feeling, that made him sigh happily. Dovid was only ever honest with him. If nothing else, Sam couldn’t doubt Dovid’s feelings.
And he had a word for himself now. There was a word for it, which meant there were other people like him. Including Rachel. And just like Dovid was sexual and happy, Sam was...was asexual. And still happy.
And Dovid loved him just the way he was. “Okay,” he said, and meant it. “I love you too.”
* * *
Dovid woke up to an empty bed, and felt very put out about it. He got up anyway, because he needed to use the bathroom, and then, since he was already up and didn’t know where Sam was, got ready for the morning.
He was grabbing up the jeans he’d left folded on the floor at the foot of the bed when he heard footsteps and then, “Oh,” from Sam. Who sounded disappointed. “Good morning.”
“Hey.” He stood up, holding his jeans. “What time is it?”
“It’s about nine,” Sam said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think you’d be up. I went to start coffee, so it would be ready for you later but...”
“Oh,” Dovid said. “Sorry I ruined your plans.”
“It’s alright. I was just, ah, looking forward to getting back into bed with you.”
“Hey, no,” Dovid said quickly. “That sounds great. I am totally down for getting back into bed for a little bit longer.”
“Are you sure? I mean, if you’re up—”
“C’mere,” Dovid said, making grabby hands.
Sam obliged and let Dovid situate him so that they were curled around each other under the covers again, Dovid stroking lines up and down Sam’s arm.
“What would you like to do today after breakfast?” Sam asked. “I’m yours, and so is the day. We can do anything you’d like.”
Dovid had made a whole bunch of plans in his head already, so he was ready with an answer. “I do
want to eat breakfast with you,” he said. “And then, uh, I was wondering if we actually couldn’t go grocery shopping? I like exploring different grocery stores, and I thought I’d make you lunch. I kind of had a menu in mind.”
“Oh! Of course. We can do that. But surely you wanted to do something else besides just go grocery shopping and making me lunch?”
“Well, yeah, I want to cuddle with you a lot. Maybe we could watch something together? That documentary about Egypt I talked to you about—it’s on YouTube, if you haven’t watched it yet.”
“That sounds lovely. And no, I’d been saving it for after your visit.”
Dovid grinned. “Awesome.”
“Anything else?”
“Actually yeah. But it’s totally cool if you don’t want to.”
“What is it?”
“I was thinking maybe we could play some Brightforest together. Since it’s more of a puzzle and building game, I can interact with it on a level I can’t with Dire Straits. I thought it’d be fun to play with you. We don’t have to record or anything of course.”
“Would you want to?”
“Want to what?”
“Record,” Sam said, sounding hesitant. “I mean, I don’t think I’d mind. If you wanted to.”
“What, really?”
“Yes. I think it’d be nice, actually. To record with you. Have that little moment set into a memory in that way. Obviously I wouldn’t have to post it online—we could play one of my non-YouTube runs, or even start a new game. But I quite like the idea of having a recording of us playing together.”
Dovid did too. Oh man, Dovid did too. “No, yeah,” he managed, “I’d love to. And if you’re cool uploading it, I would honestly love that. It means I’d be able to have it to listen to even after I left.”
“Alright,” Sam said, smile clear in his voice. “Let’s do that.”
“Cool.” Dovid sighed. “That means we should get up, huh?”
Sam shifted just enough to kiss his cheek. “Only if you want to. I’m enjoying the lie-in.”
Dovid moved to kiss Sam back, a little more thoroughly. When he pulled away he said, “No, okay, we need to get up now or I’m never going to let you out of this bed.”