by Beth Wiseman
“Wie bischt, mei precious maedel.” She placed the bottle in her child’s outstretched hands as she pulled a diaper from the changing table next to the crib. When she’d changed her, she scooped Mattie into her arms and held the baby close to her as she made her way back to the kitchen.
She settled into a kitchen chair, crossed one leg over the other, and gently rocked Mattie in her lap. When she’d finished half the bottle, Lydia put her over her shoulder until she let out a hearty burp, which she almost always did. That ruled out gas as Mattie’s cause for crying.
Lydia let her thoughts drift back to Samuel’s attempt to kiss her. After they’d settled into this way of life almost a year ago, she wondered what had prompted him to do so. She wished she wouldn’t have turned away from him, but he’d caught her off guard.
For the hundredth time, she tried to envision what dating would have looked like for them. Would he have brought her flowers? That wasn’t typical of her people, but Lydia knew some Amish women who’d received flowers when they were courted. Would they have gone to see a movie together since they’d both been in their running-around time? But that period was cut short, followed by a hurried baptism and wedding.
Now they were living like mere companions. Could the pattern be changed? She hoped so. But it would take effort from both of them—and turning away from Samuel this morning sent a message she hadn’t intended.
Chapter 2
Lydia set the table with the bone china her grandmother had given her before she died. She’d used the fragile dishes only once before, when her parents came for supper for the first time. She’d had a week to plan this evening, and she wanted it to go well. Lydia might be inexperienced as a wife and mother, but she was a decent cook, and she wanted Samuel to be proud of her.
Mattie was eating Honey Nut Cheerios in her high chair, and Samuel was tidying up the living room. Lydia was grateful for his help. In all the years she’d lived at home, she couldn’t recall her father doing any type of housework, but Samuel had. His mother, Fannie, had been confined to a wheelchair since he was five, after she’d been thrown from a horse.
He was still helping them. His father, Herman, had a heart attack a couple of years ago, which limited what he could do physically. Samuel not only helped his folks financially but he checked on them almost daily. Lydia admired his commitment to them. It was a trait she’d known about long before she and Mattie became part of his family.
“Danki,” she said as she joined him in the living room.
Holding a stack of mail Lydia had left on the coffee table, Samuel bent over to pick up a pacifier that had slipped out of Mattie’s mouth earlier.
“For what?” He stared at her as though he really didn’t know what she meant.
“For picking up in here. I-I was going to get to it, but I just didn’t have time.” Mattie had cried a lot today, but Lydia should have managed her time better. She couldn’t blame her daughter.
“It’s no problem.” He shrugged, then held up the mail. “I’m going to put this on our dresser. I’ll go through it later.” Samuel paid the bills, so unless it was from one of her out-of-town relatives, mail was seldom addressed to her.
She was standing in the same spot when he returned.
“What’s wrong?” Samuel ran a sleeve across his sweaty forehead. It was always warmer in the house when the oven was in use.
“Nothing is wrong.” Lydia cast her eyes down and bit her bottom lip before she looked at him. “I just want everything to go well.”
Samuel picked up a baby rattle. “All we can do is make the introduction. You can’t make people fall in love. It either happens or it doesn’t.”
That wasn’t what Lydia meant, but she swallowed back the knot trying to form in her throat. Then she went to the window when she heard a buggy pulling into the driveway. It was Joseph.
“Danki for having me,” he said as Lydia and Samuel welcomed him into their home. He handed her a heavy paper bag. “It’s cantaloupes. We’ve got more than we can eat, and Mamm said you might enjoy them.”
“Ach, wonderful. Danki.” Lydia motioned to the couch. “Please have a seat. You two can chat while I finish up our meal. Beverly should be here soon.”
Lydia scurried back to the kitchen, her stomach churning with anticipation. She’d been worried about the meal, her presentation, and being the perfect hostess for this matchmaking event. Now she wondered if it would be awkward and uncomfortable.
Beverly hadn’t remembered meeting Joseph, but since she wasn’t seeing anyone, she’d been happy to accept the invitation to supper. Lydia must not have been paying much attention when she met Joseph either. Beverly was a beautiful woman with dark hair, huge brown eyes, and a flawless smile, and Lydia hoped she could be objective and not place her entire opinion on Joseph’s looks. Twenty like Samuel, he was tall and thin, which wasn’t bad, but he had bushy eyebrows that almost met in the middle of his forehead, ears that seemed unusually large, and a toothy grin.
Lydia didn’t know how old Beverly was, but she suspected she was eighteen or nineteen. And the few times she’d been around her, she seemed very sweet.
Lydia recalled what Samuel said. You can’t make people fall in love. It either happens or it doesn’t. When he said that, Lydia could have sworn she heard an edge to his voice, perhaps referencing their own relationship. Either way, he was right.
Lydia gave the table another once-over, pleased with the setup. She checked her apron for spillage and brushed out the wrinkles. Taking a deep breath, she lifted Mattie from her high chair and prayed she wouldn’t scream through the entire meal. Then she bounced the baby on her hip as she strode into the living room, just as Samuel was opening the door and motioning for Beverly to come in.
Lydia watched Beverly’s face closely, but the woman’s expression didn’t give anything away when she was reintroduced to Joseph. She smiled, shook his hand, and thanked Lydia and Samuel for having her.
After their guests fussed over Mattie for a few minutes, saying how cute she was and even getting her to giggle, Mattie was back in her high chair, and everyone was seated at the table. Following the blessing, Joseph looked at Lydia and grinned. Something about his quirky smile and crooked teeth was rather cute, and that seemed to make his big ears and bushy eyebrows stand out a little less.
“Lydia, how did you know roast, potatoes, and carrots is mei favorite meal?” he asked.
“And everything is so pretty.” Beverly glanced at Joseph before turning to Lydia. “These dishes are lovely.” She tapped a finger on the corner of her plate.
Lydia tried not to swell with pride as she felt herself blushing. “Danki. They were mei grossmudder’s.” She looked across the table at Samuel, but he was busy cutting his meat.
The roast was tender and seasoned just right, and Joseph and Beverly settled into a comfortable conversation about their jobs.
“I work only part-time at the bakery, but I enjoy interacting with other people.” Beverly chuckled. “Although the temptation to overindulge on pastries and pretzels gets the best of me sometimes.”
Joseph laughed. “I can’t think of a better job to have, one with an unlimited amount of food.” He glanced at Samuel. “Our jobs are okay, but can you imagine if one of the shelves at the furniture store was lined with nothing but baked goods?”
Samuel nodded, grinning slightly through a bite of food.
Lydia wondered what it would be like to have a part-time job, to be around other people, to have a break from motherhood if only for a short while. A flood of guilt rushed through her as soon as she had the thought. Her job as Mattie’s mother was important.
Then out of nowhere, Mattie got that look on her face, the one Lydia had learned to recognize. Her tiny lips drew into a pout as she sucked in her chubby cheeks, and then her mouth opened wide and the wailing began.
“I’m so sorry.” Lydia almost knocked over her chair as she hastily lifted Mattie from the high chair, sure she would miss most of the meal and con
versation from here on. Pacing the living room might quiet her daughter, but silence wouldn’t come quickly.
“Oh dear. That was sudden.” Beverly stood. “Poor boppli.”
“Ach, please.” Lydia bounced Mattie on her hip. “Finish your supper. I’ll just walk her around in the living room for a few minutes.”
“She’s probably teething, isn’t she?” Beverly gently touched the tip of Mattie’s nose. “Is that what it is, little one?”
Teething was the one thing Lydia hadn’t thought of. Neither had her mother mentioned the possibility when she’d last visited her.
“Mei schweschder’s boppli was about this age when she started teething. The pain usually came on at mealtimes. Sometimes Susan—my niece—would just start screaming as though it had suddenly kicked in.”
Lydia cut her eyes in Samuel’s direction, hoping he wasn’t paying much attention. The man liked to eat and had a way of disengaging himself during a meal. But he stared at her intently, leaving Lydia to wonder if, in truth, he doubted her mothering skills, no matter what he’d said last week.
“I-I thought she’d be a little older before she cut a tooth.” Lydia put a finger in Mattie’s mouth and rubbed along her gums. “I don’t feel anything.”
“Don’t feel bad. Susan is a little older than Mattie, and mei schweschder, Anna, didn’t realize she was teething. She couldn’t feel anything either. But now Anna makes a paste with ground cloves and some other ingredients to rub on her gums. It works. I’ll get the exact recipe and get it to you.” Beverly smiled.
Mattie shrieked so loudly that Lydia cringed, apologizing again as she took her baby into the living room to pace with her. She certainly hoped the salve Beverly mentioned would work.
Beverly joined her a few minutes later. “Will she come to me so you can finish your supper?” She held out her arms.
“Nee, I can’t let you do that. I’m sure she’ll be fine soon.” Lydia was fairly certain that wasn’t true.
“Oh, she’s so precious, and I don’t mind at all. I’ve kept Susan occupied lots of times so mei schweschder could finish a meal.”
Mattie went willingly to Beverly, and the baby’s crying hushed, leaving only a whimper coming out of her mouth.
Lydia had lost her appetite, but she went back into the kitchen, planning to apologize to Joseph for the interruption. But Joseph was already standing. “It was a wunderbaar meal, Lydia. But since I’m done, I’ll help Beverly with the boppli. You two enjoy some quiet time while you finish your supper.” He winked at her.
Now Mattie was completely quiet. Lydia wanted to burst into tears as she wondered if the problem wasn’t teething but her. She had never managed to get her daughter to stop crying that quickly. Someone else was comforting her child when she couldn’t.
“He likes her,” Samuel whispered once Joseph was in the other room.
Lydia tried to smile, but she wished supper hadn’t been interrupted. Yet Joseph had clearly been eager to spend time with Beverly, so maybe it worked out okay. Beverly seemed like the type of person who was nice to everyone, though, so Lydia couldn’t tell how she felt about Joseph so far. She also wondered if she and Beverly might become friends. How nice it would be to have a friend her age to talk to again. Beverly might be someone she could not only trust but who wouldn’t judge her.
“I like her too,” Lydia responded softly before she sat down across from Samuel. But her appetite hadn’t returned. After a few minutes of shifting food around on her plate, she decided to serve dessert in the living room.
* * *
Samuel set his plate on the coffee table and covered his mouth so he wouldn’t spew food everywhere. He’d worked with Joseph for only a couple of months, but all he really knew about him was that he was a hard worker, he was almost always happy, and he smiled a lot. He also had an endless supply of jokes, and he could tell them in an animated way that set him apart from the average joke teller.
“What did the blanket say to the bed?” Joseph raised his eyebrows up and down, grinning. “Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.” He laughed as if he’d just told the funniest joke in the world, which made everyone chuckle. Joseph held up a finger and led right into another one. “Why did the robber take a bath? So he could make a clean getaway.”
Then Joseph pressed his lips together and drew in his eyebrows as he shook his head. “I got fired from mei job at the furniture store today.” He glanced at Samuel, who stopped laughing.
“What? Nee, you didn’t.” Samuel would have known about this.
“Ya, ya, I did.” Joseph held on to his sober expression. “A little old lady came in to check her balance, so I pushed her over.”
Samuel laughed so hard his stomach ached. When he looked at his wife, Lydia was in stitches, too, and so was Beverly.
“Stop!” Beverly was almost crying. “I can’t breathe.”
Mattie had gone to sleep an hour ago, and Samuel couldn’t remember the last time he’d stayed up this late. Nor could he remember this much laughter filling his house. Ever.
Lydia’s spirits had lifted, and Samuel was happy to see her enjoying herself. Earlier he could tell it upset her when Mattie started crying during the meal, and she’d seemed embarrassed when Beverly was able to calm their daughter right away. He’d considered offering to help with Mattie, but he worried that might embarrass his wife even more. Men generally left childrearing to the mothers, but Samuel tried to help out with Mattie as often as he could.
Samuel knew how hard it was to get their daughter to stop crying when she had one of her spells. He hoped Beverly was right, that the cause was teeth fighting their way in. Lydia was a good mother, just inexperienced and learning, the same way Samuel was growing into his role as a father. He wished growing as a couple came as naturally as parenting.
“This has been such a fun night.” Beverly stood, her face still flushed from laughing. “But I better go home before mei neighbor thinks someone’s kidnapped me. She’s a widow who lives alone, and she keeps a pretty close eye on me.”
The way Beverly tipped her chin and batted her eyes at Joseph, Samuel was sure this had been a good matchmaking effort.
“Maybe I’ll kidnap you.” Joseph stood and tried to keep a straight face, but that toothy grin of his appeared and then spread into a smile.
“Ach, well, you’d be the funniest kidnapper ever.” Beverly lifted her small black purse from the couch, then hugged Lydia. “Danki for a wunderbaar meal and”—she looked over her shoulder at Joseph and grinned before she turned back to Lydia—“for the hilarious entertainment.”
“I assure you I don’t deserve credit for the entertainment.” Lydia laughed, which was nice to hear. A reminder of the way she used to be.
Samuel thought back on his history with Lydia. They’d played together as children, but Samuel hit his rumschpringe three years ahead of her, and they grew apart. He hadn’t sowed any real oats, but he’d done his share of running around and even gone out with a few girls. Then Lydia matured and reached dating age, and before long Samuel’s physical attraction to her peaked. She often came into the barn to watch him and her father working. Samuel noticed how she mostly watched him, and it became apparent she was attracted to him too.
Three years had lapsed since they’d spent much time together, and in reality, they hadn’t known each other anymore.
Samuel snapped back to the present and saw Beverly touch Lydia’s arm. “I’ll be sure to get you some of mei schweschder’s salve. And the recipe for it.”
After everyone had said their goodbyes and the door was closed, Samuel and Lydia both rushed to the window.
“Do you think he’ll kiss her good night?” Samuel pressed his face closer to the pane of glass.
“Nee, of course not. It’s only their first time together.”
Samuel didn’t look at her as he recalled the first few times he and Lydia had kissed, before their physical desire had escalated. Was Lydia thinking back on those times too? When she leaned near
to him to have a better look, her arm rubbed against his. Then she moved even closer, and he tried to discern if she was intentionally brushing up against him.
Visions of that fateful day in the barn flooded his mind. They’d worried about getting caught, but he could still remember the passion he’d felt. Then what they did was over in a matter of minutes and left them both regretful. As the man—and older than Lydia—he shouldered most of the responsibility for their poor judgment. But every time he looked at Mattie, he couldn’t imagine his life without her. It was confusing to him. Why would God gift them with someone to love in such a special way when they’d gone against Him?
The feel of his wife so close to him brought back a whirlwind of feelings and desire. Now they could be together in an intimate way without feeling guilty, but they were down a rabbit hole and couldn’t seem to find their way out.
Lydia grabbed his arm. “Look,” she said in a loud whisper.
Samuel was already looking, and as Beverly kissed Joseph on the cheek, Samuel’s arm found its way around Lydia. “Ya, I know.” He turned to face her, smiling, his arm still loosely around her waist. “We did gut.”
Lydia smiled, but the smile quickly faded, replaced by an expression Samuel didn’t recognize. He wasn’t sure if it was desire . . . or fear. Her eyes shone with purpose, and he wanted to believe it was longing. But when he inched closer to her, she eased away. Just like she always did.
* * *
Lydia wanted to call out to Samuel after he abruptly excused himself and said he was going to bed, but her voice had left her. It had probably fled with her nerve, which had also forsaken her. This time her husband had clearly made his intentions known, and she’d pushed him away even though she longed to be close to him in every way. Why did I do that again?
Her thoughts went back to that day in the barn. Their behavior in those secret meetings, when her father was in town, had quickly turned to more than kissing. On the day they went too far, everything was over before Lydia even had time to process what they were doing. She couldn’t blame Samuel. She’d been a willing participant, but the intimacy hadn’t been anything like she expected.