by J. R. Gray
"I've heard there's a cave near the top," he said, pausing in one of the pools near the falls.
"Who told you that?" I asked, letting him pass me as we stood there watching the mini falls. The next pool was five or six feet up and would require climbing.
The springs were built into the natural rock face, up the side of a hill woven into the mountains. Harden hadn't bothered with clothes, which shouldn't have surprised me but it did. We sunk into the next spring, and I sat back, ready to stay for a moment or two to warm up, but Harden was already on the move, leaping out of the water to grab a rock and climb the face like it was nothing more than an afternoon stroll.
"Show off." Not all of us were so athletically inclined.
"Come on. I want to get up there before we have to start the hike back." He hauled himself into the next pool.
I took the path up, choosing not to risk my life on the rocks before we had to climb. People were in and out of here all the time; the paths were well worn. It wasn't as easy as some places to get to, but a three-mile round trip wasn't so hard to tackle.
I slipped into the pool next to him where he had his head back and his eyes closed. "About fucking time."
"I took the safe way."
"Where's your sense of adventure?” He turned on me, and all the hunger was there. I could have feasted on it. He held out his hand for mine. "Come on. We're nearly there."
He dragged me from the warmth toward the summit of the little hill, higher than I'd ever cared to venture. We walked like that, hand in hand, dodging half melted piles of snow, tiptoeing over the slippery rocks and wet patches. In and out of the springs and all while naked. Finally, we sat on the top of the waterfall that fed the lower pools, the expansive view below putting how high we'd come into perspective.
"Wow," I said, realizing our hands were still joined. "I didn't know it went this high."
"Doesn't look like it from the bottom." He swung his legs over the edge, scooting close to peer over it. "Want to look in the cave?"
"We're going to freeze."
He pressed his teeth into his full lower lip and shook his head. "No, there's water in there."
"How do you know?" I asked, letting him pull me to my feet.
"I read about it. A little sub reddit I found."
"Not 'easy places to meet your death,' I hope."
"Please, that's for the weekend. We can't miss school," he said with a laugh.
I rolled my eyes as he led me through the pool and ducked around a rock face. The opening was barely visible until you were upon it. No wonder not many knew about it.
"What made you want to come up here?” I asked as the dark encased us, light only coming from behind and a shaft somewhere above.
My eyes slowly adjusted, and I half expected to come face to face with some kind of terrifying animal.
"Because..." He turned on me, blocking his face from the remaining light, casting him in deep shadows.
"Because?" I prompted.
He shoved me into the rock face, pressing his body into mine. "Because I've been thinking about your cock since yesterday, and I'm tired of getting interrupted."
Six
The press of his body along mine made me entirely aware of all the best reasons not to ever wear clothes around Harden again. Slick skin slid together, and my pulse hammered in my ears.
"Shit," I muttered.
"No kidding." He pressed his hips into mine, bringing our cocks together.
My heart beat out of control. “I thought we were waiting until tomorrow?" I shocked myself with my ability to still form words in a semi normal fashion.
"We have to. I don't have condoms or lube, and believe me, we need lube." His husky words came with a groan.
I thought about arguing against it, but I knew he was right. Nothing about this would be fun for either of us without it. My cock didn't seem to care, though. I wanted to come, and make him come, however that happened.
"You dragged me all the way up here without any forethought?" Had this been his design the whole time? My breath caught in my throat. I wanted him. All of him.
“I—" He pressed his eyes closed. "No, I dragged you up here to soak, and it devolved from there, but this was not my intention. Nothing with you goes how I plan it.”
“Is that a good or a bad thing?”
“Right now, it feels like a very good thing.”
I studied his face, water dripping down his pulled brow, lips pressed, strained with the set to his jaw. I believed him. "I don't think this is helping you relax."
"No." Such a simple word and it came with so much weight.
More weight than just the encounter. The weight of everything hanging over his head. I felt it then in the tightness of his body, and I wanted to be the only one who didn't expect too much of him. I knew I had been for years, but even more so now with his parents and swimming, I needed to be that.
On a whim, I grabbed the back of his neck. "Why are you so bothered, Harden?"
Maybe if he verbalized some of it, he'd feel better, even if it was not what I wanted to be doing right now.
"I don't know. Everything and nothing." He opened his eyes, and there was pain in his blues. Pain he hid so well.
I dared to hope he wanted me. That this was more than a game to him. "I thought you were straight?”
"Me too." He moved a micro inch closer. Why was he so hesitant? I’d been jacking him off before and he didn’t seem to have an issue with it.
"And now?” I asked.
"Shhhh," he urged as he connected our mouths.
Soft, full lips enveloped mine, parting with a sweep of his tongue, barely pressing into my mouth. I licked the path his tongue traversed, tasting him there. The chlorine and vanilla coffee he'd drank on the way up, but there was more. Something so entirely Harden there was no other word for it. Dark and spicy.
I thought he'd pull back, tell me it was enough. Decide he didn't like being naked with me. But instead he tilted his head, deepening the kiss, pushing his tongue further into my mouth to flick against mine. There was no stopping the groans bubbling up my throat.
He grabbed both sides of my face and kissed me harder, fingertips pressing into my skin, nearly hard enough to leave bruises. And I wanted more. Harder. Stronger. More.
I didn't know what got into him, but I was fucking into it. I pressed against the rock behind me, using it as leverage to rock into him, clinging to the back of his neck so he couldn't make any space between us while my other arm found its way around his waist.
My entire body sparked to life, nerves screaming, all of me begging to be touched. Wanting simultaneously for his hands to be on my face and everywhere else.
"Calm down," he said between dedicated teases of his tongue, slowing us despite my pushing for more.
"You calm down," I snapped, giving away my need in my tone.
"Your heart is beating out of your chest like that time you fell into the well." His touch turned soft, thumbs stroking my cheek bones. "Do you remember?"
How could I forget? It was the main cause of my claustrophobia. I swallowed past the sickness creeping up my throat.
"I remember you climbing down to sit with me and getting stuck as well.” I closed my eyes, getting lost in him. "You stayed, and you didn't have to. You waited hours for me while they figured out how to get us out."
He put his hand over my heart, fingers curling into my pec. "I couldn't leave you down there."
"You could have stayed at the top and waited with me." I opened my eyes.
"You were shaking." He pressed his lips to mine. “You did carry me down from the mountain with a broken leg. I couldn’t be the coward.”
He tried to play it off, but his voice wasn’t in it.
I wasn't sure how we'd gone back to one of my worst memories during one that would be the best while kissing, but I wasn't mad. It highlighted that he'd always taken care of me no matter what I needed. Harden always came through.
"Still…you didn't have
to." My voice dropped to a whisper.
"Yes, I had to. I couldn't leave you there, Van, I couldn't." He pressed his forehead to mine. "I couldn't let you wait down there losing it by yourself. Not while you were having a panic attack." He lowered his gaze, staring at something between us, or maybe nothing at all.
"Thank you." I lifted my hand to brush my thumb over his lower lip.
"For what? Sitting in a hole with you until they brought a ladder? Like I said, pay back for saving me.” He tried to shrug it off.
"For this. For so much more." I nudged my nose into his until he kissed me again. I whispered some of those things into his lips, sure he couldn't hear me, but I wanted them between us, written on flesh. “For being my best friend.”
He drank them down, gripping me tighter. "You don't seem so bad at it. Maybe you were forcing it too much with the wrong people."
Everyone was wrong but him. But how could I tell him that??
"Maybe." Or maybe everything was easier with Harden.
"We should get back so we aren't walking the trail after dark."
Sensible as we didn't bring flashlights, but I didn't want to go. I wanted this to last forever.
"Kiss me again, please."
"Do you know how hard it is to say no to you, Finch?" he asked.
"Considering you agreed to fuck me, I have some idea," I replied playfully.
He shook his head before kissing me again.
Time might have stopped, but one thing resonated inside me.
I was in love with Harden Hart.
“Can I touch you again?” I asked when our mouths broke apart, leaving us both breathing hard.
“Can you without begging me to fuck you?” Amusement danced in his expression.
“Can you deal with just a hand job?” I winced as my words brought with them memories of the others he’d been with. Jealousy spiked in my veins, and I took ahold of him.
“Whoa, not so rough—yet.” He grabbed my wrist, and stroked my hand over him, keeping the pace slow. “You’re a natural.”
I loosened my grip a little, eyes on his, drinking in every reaction. “You like being in control.”
“Yes,” he agreed, keeping his fingers tightly on me.
“Let me.”
His gaze flickered up to meet mine, and he released his hold. “You’re lucky I trust you, Finch.”
“How much do you trust me?” I was breathless.
“You can’t tell?” He pumped his hips into my stroking. “I’m letting you make me come.”
“You like it.”
“Yes.” There wasn’t hesitation, Harden’s word firm.
“Would you like to be in my mouth?”
His brows pulled, and confusion washed over his expression. “Maybe…yes.”
His chest heaved, and he breathed in gasps. Pulling him close again by the back of his neck, our mouths met. He kissed me harder and then harder as he came. I swallowed every gasp, every moan, pleasure coursing through me, elated to be the one to get him off.
I pulled back, sinking down to rinse the evidence off in the warm water, wishing I had the guts to lick my fingers instead.
“Hey,” Harden said when I backed off.
“What?” A smug grin settled onto my lips.
“Don’t you want to…” He hesitated on the word.
“Want to what?” Power came through my tone. Making him slightly uncomfortable like he’d made me for days felt good.
“You are enjoying this far too much.”
“Yes.” There was no point in denying it.
“Let me get you off,” Harden demanded.
I reached down to squeeze my cock. “Don’t we need to get back?”
“You’re really not going to let me make you come?” he asked, and I couldn’t tell it if was disappointment echoing in his words or something else.
“Tomorrow.”
We climbed down and redressed in silence. Neither one of us spoke about any of it. In a way, the make out session seemed too innocent while at the same time the intimacy of making Harden come in a hot spring complicated everything. There was no way I could say this was just about sex.
Thinly veiled, it was always about more, but I'd convinced myself we could have sex and it would be only that. I could lose my damn virginity and then it would be easier to fuck other people.
I realized how wrong I'd been. Our whole class would spend the summer partying and celebrating, and the idea of Harden sleeping around made me sick.
I didn't want to be the only guy missing out on all the normal experiences because I was too scared to make a move, but as I went through with this, I knew I'd not want anyone else.
"You're quiet,” Harden said five minutes into the drive.
I glanced over, twisting my hands in my lap. "Maybe you're quiet."
He rolled his eyes and reached for the radio. "I can feel you thinking. It's louder than the music."
I reached over and moved his hand, twisting the dial to double the volume. "Now you shouldn't be able to hear me," I yelled over the guitar riff of some alternative song.
He tossed my hand aside and turned the volume down to a level we could hold a conversation at. "If you think the music drowns out what I already know, you're wrong."
“I don’t." It was cold, but I needed time to process everything.
"You usually tell me everything, which means it's about what happened back there." He couldn't even say it.
"Yes," I couldn't like him. Not now, not ever.
"Not into me?" he asked after a few minutes.
"What?" I asked, staring at him. "How could you possibly believe that you didn't turn me on after all of that?"
He'd felt me hard. Didn't that make it pretty clear?
He lifted his shoulders but wouldn't look at me. "I wouldn't blame you if you were straight."
“I'm not. Bisexual…” I said slowly. The more he touched me, the more I felt like I was gay. That maybe women were my block, not intimacy.
“Then what’s your deal?" he asked, and I wished he wouldn't.
I wanted to ask if he still believed himself to be straight. If he was attracted to me. But the words froze on my tongue and wouldn't come. I couldn't deal with knowing he wasn't into me and go through with tomorrow.
"Spit it out, Finch."
"Are you attracted to me?" I asked.
"You want me to answer stuff when you won't?" His grip tightened on the steering wheel, and his nostrils flared.
"I told you I’m bi."
"You. Didn't. Answer."
I thought back over the conversation, trying to figure out what I hadn't answered. "What did you ask?"
"Are you into me?" he repeated.
"I answered that."
"No, you said you think you’re bi. That has nothing to fucking do with me." He threw the words at me stiffly, still refusing to even look at me.
He drove, so he had an excuse, but I wanted to see his eyes.
"I'm obviously turned on by you. You saw my dick; it was pressed into yours. How could there be any doubt?"
He finally turned towards me with a raised brow. "You have a hard-on the second you touch yourself. It could be that."
"It wasn’t." How much more could I give away? "And why are you giving me the third degree when you're the one who's not even attracted to my gender at all?"
He huffed and ground his teeth. "I was hard too, wasn't I?"
"For me?" I guess I needed him to spell it out.
"I guess so." He put a hand over his mouth. "We've known each other forever. Shit is easy with you like I never expected it to be. And don't tell me that's a non-answer. It's as honest as I have right now. That's why you came to me in the first place, right?"
He had a point.
"Maybe this isn't a good idea," I whispered, half hoping he wouldn't hear me over the radio.
"Are you fucking serious?" Harden glared.
"I don't want to…” I shrugged.
"What?" he demanded.
"Fuck up our friendship or anything. Push you into something you're not comfortable with and have you hate me later for it."
"I'm not a fucking homophobe. I'm secure enough in my masculinity to know I decided to do this, and I'm not going to have a goddamn identity crisis if I suck a cock or like fucking you." He yanked the wheel sharply to the left.
I grabbed the door, fighting as his sharp turn flung me into the center of the car. "Jesus Christ, dude."
He threw the car into park and turned towards me with fire in his eyes. "I told you I was hard for you too."
"I know," I said sheepishly.
Silence engulfed us.
"Then why do it?" I forced myself to say. I wasn't going to play this game. I had to know.
"You asked me to." He turned towards me again. "Did you want me to say no?"
“I didn’t really ask you.” Maybe I could cling onto this argument to make it less awkward.
“Did you want me to say no?” he asked again.
"Maybe a little."
"Why the fuck would you bring it up if you wanted me to say no?" Hurt and confusion bled through his tone and so much more played over his expression.
"Because I had to. I needed to say something, and I couldn't hold it in anymore. I don't like not telling you what I'm thinking. I felt like I was going to burst." I couldn't take him looking at me the way he was. I turned to stare straight ahead, willing him to not hate me.
Harden didn't speak.
"Can you say something?" I said when the silence became painful.
"What would you like me to say?" he asked.
"That you don't hate me?" I said softly.
"I can't hate you. You know that.”
"Is that true or just you indulging me?" I almost didn't want him to answer.
"You know I couldn't ever hate you. I don't know what you'd have to do to push me there, and even then, I think I'd still love you." His words were laced with sorrow.
"I wouldn't ever do anything to hurt you on purpose."
"No, just ask me to fuck you when you don't really want it." The tone in his voice nearly killed me.
"I never said I didn't want it." I turned towards him again, brows pulling, chest tight.
"You said you wanted me to say no." Dejection crept into his voice.