by J. R. Gray
"Because I didn't want it to devolve into this. I don't know what this is, but I hate fighting with you." My voice hitched.
"Then why are you fighting with me?" Harden asked, frustration written all over his face.
"I'm not trying to." I pulled at my hair like it was the best option to get all of this to stop. It only served to give me a headache.
"Then what is the point of this?" Harden asked.
"To figure out where we are after…" I gestured behind us. "If this kills our friendship, I'll never forgive myself."
He shook his head. "I just said I don't think there is anything you can do that would make me not love you."
"What if this is it, Harden? What if this does it. Look, we’re already fighting, and we never fight."
"Why would I? I agreed to it. I am a fucking adult. You're an adult. I know what I'm doing. What is the damn disconnect?" Anger edged into his voice, and it crackled around us.
Me falling in love with you more than I already am? That was the fucking problem, but I couldn't say that. He would never feel that way about me. Even if gay sex didn't disgust him, that's not what he was. Every step we took further felt like I was jeopardizing us even more.
"I hate that you keep sitting there thinking and you won't tell me any of what's in your head."
“I’m worried, and I keep going over it in my mind. That's what I'm worried about," I admitted.
"Do you want to pull the plug on this? You can tell me. You're allowed to decide I don't do it for you and not want to lose your virginity to me." He stared at me, not letting a stitch of emotion show.
What were his real feelings? That's what I really wanted. The things he wasn't saying. I had to lay myself bare to him, but he was sealed up. I couldn't ask. To expect that from him and not give him mine felt wrong.
"I don't want to pull the plug," I said, wringing my hands in my lap.
He reached over, putting his hand on top of mine, stilling them. "Your hands say different."
"It's not that. I told you. I'm not good at any of this."
"You seemed really damn good at it up there."
"It's easier when we don't talk." I swallowed past the lump in my throat.
He climbed over the center console and into my lap before I could react. He straddled my hips and cupped my face. "This part?"
"Well, now that you've caught me off guard, less, but generally so." I squirmed.
He smirked. "I like when you're uncomfortable."
"Mean," I said half-heartedly.
"Are you trying to tell me you don't like anything spontaneous?"
"I'm adjusting." I slid my hands up his thighs, tight coiled muscle under his jeans, to cup his round ass, totally playing this by ear.
He parted his lips over my lower one and sucked. "The spontaneous hasn't killed your hard-on.”
"Nope. It is fully on board. I guess my cock is better at reacting." I chased his lips.
"You seem to be doing just fine reacting." He glanced at my hands on his ass. "Are you still coming over tomorrow?" He gave in and kissed me.
"Yes," I said, breathless between kisses. I didn't think I could say no to him. My dick wouldn't let me.
"Good."
Seven
My skin prickled, and I rolled over, reaching for the body I wished laid next to me, half stuck in a dream, half awake. But I wasn't at Harden's. His father had a charity breakfast this morning, and they insisted he be with them. Not sleeping there last night, while annoying, was fine, but the agony of waiting all day weighed on me already, and the sun barely peaked over the horizon.
I rolled over again, this time reaching for my phone.
Harden: Are you awake.
The simple stirring of feelings from a single text.
Vance: Yes.
Harden: Why?
Vance: Because I woke up. Aren't you happy about it?
Harden: Maybe you need more sleep and I'm worried but that doesn't negate my happy.
Vance: You're a confusing individual.
Harden: I prefer the term complex.
Vance: sure sure. Why did you message?
If I let him get off on a tangent we might never get back.
Harden: Maybe I forgot.
Vance: Don't fuck with me.
Harden: My parents are making me go to this brunch thing.
Attached to the message came the most thirst trappy photo of Harden I'd ever seen. He wore a blue button down that matched his eyes, and the first two buttons were undone. He'd held the camera over his head, letting some of his wavy hair fall in his face. His shirt wasn't tucked in yet, and his pants were still open.
Jesus. I needed a cold shower after that photo. What had his point been? To work me up?
What did I even say? Was he looking for anything? Teasing me about tonight? I didn't know.
Vance: You look good.
I sent it before I could over think it. What would I have said before all of this? I didn't know anymore. I didn't feel like the person I'd been a few days ago. I'd been ripped out of that head space and gotten stuck here, clutching my phone like I couldn't stand another second to go by waiting for another message from him.
Harden: I figured you'd like that?
Vance: Is that all you wanted.
Harden: what?
Van: to tease me so I jack off until I see you later?
He typed for a long ass time. I nearly threw my phone and tried to roll over and go back to sleep, but I knew it wouldn't happen. There would be no sleeping until I knew what his message said.
Harden: Don't touch yourself.
Vance: What?
All that waiting for this? What had he erased? I died to asked. But at heart I was a coward when it came to Harden and ruining tonight.
Harden: What is hard to understand?
Vance: I don't get what you mean.
Harden: No jacking off. No touching yourself. You get to wait until tonight.
Did he get to just order me around? How would he even know? Even as I thought it, I knew he would.
Harden: Do you understand me?
I swallowed hard, feeling the tone in his voice.
Vance: Yes.
Harden: Good.
It felt so final. He owned my orgasm today. How was I going to get through the day thinking about it? Thinking about him.
Vance: is that what you messaged me for?
Harden: No
Vance: What?
Harden: I wished you were here with me.
I couldn't help the smile that formed on my lips. Could I ask him why? Did I dare ruin the moment?
Harden: Remember when my parents used to go to these all the time and they didn't make me come with them? How you'd come over and we'd eat pizza and talk about what we'd wear when we were allowed to go?
I remembered. How could I forget? When Harden's father first ran, he'd had these brunches for nearly two years leading up to his win.
I didn't risk shattering this moment. It took me a long time to type a reply.
Vance: Those were the best times. I can't believe you're going with them now.
Harden: I don't really have a choice. As the golden boy.
I tried to picture him as the son of the president. I didn't like the image at all. I couldn't figure out why at first, and then it hit me. I didn't fit into the regal photo. Not me nor my father. Nothing about my life fit into the territory he ventured towards.
He was the golden boy, and I was the blue collar trash.
Van: no, you don't.
What if it changed things between us? What if his father did win, and he ended up with security and the secret service? College wouldn't be the same. I knew it was far out, but still.
Harden: Come with me to the next one?
Before I could answer, three more texts came through in rapid succession.
Harden: I know it won't be pizza and video games.
Harden: but we could make it fun.
Harden: Steal some booze...
My chest warmed with each message. Jesus I was weak for him, and I hadn't really realized how much.
Vance: Yes.
Harden: Really?
I could feel his smile coming through the phone.
Vance: Really. Tell me when. I might have to shop for something to wear.
Harden: We're about the same size. You can wear some of the shit my mom keeps buying me.
Vance: Only if you pick it out for me.
I don't know where that text even came from or how I had the balls to send it, but it was out in the universe. I bit my tongue, wondering how well he'd take a demand from me.
Harden: You're spoiling me.
Well, that wasn't what I expected.
Vance: Really? You like the idea?
Harden: What's not to like? I get to order you around and bring you with me.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Vance: I didn't know you were into that.
Harden: Have you met me?
The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. He did love to tell me what to do, and more so now that we had this sexual tension between us.
Vance: Fair and valid.
Harden: Sectionals weekend there is a big dinner. I want you there.
Vance: You have me.
More than he knew. As long as tonight didn't ruin anything.
Harden: You should go back to sleep. We are going to have a long night.
Vance: Are we?
Harden: Do you have any doubt?
Harden: Sleep more and drink a damn protein shake.
Vance: Are you coming to practice?
Harden: Do you think I'd miss it for anything?
Vance: No. I'll see you there.
Harden: You're coming home with me after right?
Vance: Yes
Harden: Pack a bag.
Harden: I'm serious about the nap and the shake.
There was no way I was gonna sleep now. If he hadn't told me not to touch myself, I'd be jacking off in the shower to the photo Harden sent me.
Harden walked into practice in the suit he'd had on in the picture this morning, and I was weak for it. I couldn't stop looking at him while he slowly undid his cuffs. He was later than he normally was. There were only a few of us still in the locker room. I'd waited, not wanting to be out there without him.
He eyed me but didn't challenge it. Didn't even bring it up, which wasn't like him at all. Had something happened at the breakfast?
"You okay?" I asked.
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"That's not an answer."
"No, it's not."
"You going to tell me about it?" I asked, pulling off my shirt because if I kept staring at him, we'd never get to the pool.
"Maybe." There was so much hesitation in his voice. I hated it for him. I hated not being able to get more from him.
"I don't like that answer."
"Neither do I." He stared at me as he said it slowly unbuttoning his shirt.
"We are going to be late."
"Are you trying to get rid of me?" he asked.
"We swim next to each other," I muttered like it made any difference. We didn't have time to talk in the water.
"I thought you wanted me to talk." He balled up his shirt and tossed it into his locker.
"I do, but you denied me. Even though I can see you need it."
He turned on me, body tense. "I don't know what I need." His face was all screwed up.
My brow creased as I pushed to my feet. "Harden—"
He closed his eyes and shook his head. "Don't. I won't be able to go to practice."
I ignored him and pulled him into a hug. "You don't have to talk, but you can't stop me from doing this."
"I could if I wanted to."
I waited, brows raised. He didn't move.
“What happened?” I asked again.
“Just shit with the governor. It’s a lot. I’m processing.” He tightened his arms around me, and I didn’t press for more.
"Are you two coming?" our teammate James called from the door.
We jumped apart like we'd been doing something wrong.
"In a few. I was late," Harden called out, and I realized we were alone.
"Coach said the longer you two take, the rougher this practice is going to be," Fin said.
"Then you better leave me alone so I can change."
"Send Vance out," James called.
"Will it fucking matter?" Harden said, sounding annoyed.
James grunted. "Hurry up. I don't want to be here all day. I have a fucking date later."
"Fuck off." Harden must really have been in a mood. Usually, he was way nicer.
"If you two are fucking, the least you could do is be early," Fin yelled.
"We aren't changing our sex life to suit you two." Harden held up a middle finger they couldn't see.
I stared at him.
"What did you want me to say to them?" he asked.
"I don't know," I hissed, feeling like we had to be quiet for no reason at all. "But isn't that like giving us away?"
"What did you want me to say? I think not joking around would give it away more."
"Okay, you have a point." We all made jokes about fucking; it would have been weird to deny it.
I was way too in my head for any of this. I hoped getting it out of my system would help. Otherwise, I didn't know what I'd do.
He reached out and squeezed my cock through my spandex. "I always have a point.”
"We have to get out there."
"Are you trying to get rid of me?"
"I'm trying to make sure you're not in trouble with the coach. Or the team for that matter." My hips pushed into his grasp of their own accord and on a whim, I reached out to grab his dick, finding him hard. "Fuck."
"Like that?" he asked with a satisfied sneer.
"Of course I like it when I make you hard. Who fucking wouldn't?"
I couldn't believe I'd admitted that out loud. What the fuck was wrong with me. No one felt that way about their best friend.
He leaned in, putting his lips next to my ear. "I've been like this since I woke up thinking about later."
"At the breakfast?" I asked astonished.
"The whole time. Painfully so. You should have seen me in my slacks.”
"Jesus." My mouth watered.
He gave me a final squeeze and released his hold. "We should go, since you don't want me to get in trouble."
"Evil. So fucking evil."
"What did you expect?" he asked, pushing his slacks off.
I swallowed hard. "Maybe we should ditch and go fuck for the rest of the day."
His eyes widened for half a second. "I don't want to be interrupted, and we would be by my parents and brother when they get home. We need to wait until they leave for the night."
"Right." I'd forgotten.
"No quickies for your first time. That comes later." He said it like there would be a later.
I coughed. "What?"
"You heard me." He pulled on his jammers and walked away.
I jogged to catch up with him, but we needed to get out there. "Fuck’s sake, Harden."
He turned around, walking backwards out onto the pool deck, gripping his cock as he did. I stood there and stared as he turned back around to jump into the water.
"Hurry the fuck up, Vance," our coach yelled.
I did as I was told but was stuck on Harden's words. Did he mean we'd keep fucking after tonight?
"Ready?" Harden asked as soon as we got out of the pool.
"Let me put some fucking clothes on."
He eyed me. "If you insist."
"I think your parents will."
"Fair." He pulled sweats on and a shirt over his shorts, not even bothering to dry off.
"You're going to freeze your balls off."
He twirled his keys around his finger. "You can warm them up later with your mouth."
I coughed.
He smiled over at me, hooking a finger in my swe
ats. "You really are bad at this."
"I told you I was," I muttered.
"I'm just trying to break the ice." He pulled and eyed the bulge quickly forming in the spandex underneath.
"Right." I wasn't sure which was worse—how much I liked the flirting or him insisting over and over it was only to get me used to it. I needed to cut off the false sense of security it gave me. None of this real.
He backed away. “Come on."
I rushed through getting dressed and getting out of there. Chasing the intoxication of being alone. I slid into his car, and he didn't make a move to leave, instead turning towards me. "We have a few hours before everyone leaves tonight."
"I know. I can't decide if that's better or worse." All the thinking about it was going to make me sick. "But I think it's better than going home with my dad there."
"He still injured?"
“It’s not healing well because he keeps using his hand.” I nodded. "He'll go back next week against doctor’s orders, I'm sure."
Harden shook his head, but he didn't comment. He knew as well as I did how my father was. He took off in the direction of his house.
"You're still sleeping over, right?" He chewed his lip.
Did he not want me to?
"That's what I told my dad." I slept over so often, I didn't think twice about it. Would it be weird?
"Good." He studied me for another moment at a red light.
He pulled into his drive but grabbed me when I tried to get out of the car.
"Hold up," he said when I looked over my shoulder.
"Yes?" I settled back in.
"Let's try and be cool around my parents, yeah?"
"Aren't we always cool around them?" Then it clicked. "Does this have to do with this morning?"
"I don't know. It's more than that too."
"Why are you bringing it up? Your parents buy you condoms." I was dying to know what had put him in a mood this morning.
He rubbed a hand over the back of his head. "I don't like to tell them who I'm dating or sleeping with. They get weird about it. It almost felt like the condoms were a cover because the next day, I found my mom going through my phone. She said she was looking for a number she'd deleted, but I don't know. It came off really weird."
"Okay." His words stung, and I hoped my wince wasn't too evident. "Why didn't you tell me about that?"