The Friendship Equation

by J. R. Gray

  "We have plans," the governor said, hardening his face.

  "You have plans. We are going to stay home and do homework." Harden had thought this through.

  "No, we’ve already discussed this with you. We want you there tonight, and it’s even more important you make an appearance after the accident. We don't want anyone thinking there was foul play." He exchanged a glance with his wife.

  "I got stitches in my head last night and have to swim, and you want to keep me out all night."

  "We promise not to keep you late."

  Harden threw his hands up in the air. "I'm talking to Coach."

  "We already ran it by him. Why do you think we are here? He seemed to think it was fine." Mrs. Hart sounded so smug.

  Harden's jaw tightened. "This is shit. This is one of the most important weekends of my life, and you're dragging me to a fundraiser to use me."

  "Can't be that important to you," his father threw back under his breath.

  "What?" The hurt was written all over his face. "I've been working for this for years."

  "And yet the stitches in your head claim otherwise."

  "It was an accident." Harden clenched his hands at his side.

  This was well on the way to out of control.

  "Horsing around has a time and place. If either of you were serious about today, you would have been long abed."

  Harden hit me with a side glance. "I've always been serious. Vance is coming home with us, or I'm going home with him. So it's both of us or neither."

  "You think you make the decisions here?" the governor said through his teeth.

  "I think if you want me to not make a scene at your little event, you should let me bring Vance."

  "Vance doesn't want to go," his father countered.

  Both parties turned to look at me, and I swallowed hard.

  Harden pleaded with his eyes. Subtle, but after knowing him most of my life, I could pick out the nuances in his expression.

  "I don't mind going," I said at length.

  His father sneered like I might be the most disgusting person in the universe. "Fine. Make sure he has something suitable to wear, Harden, and I don't mean dressed down."

  "I have plenty for him to choose from." Harden grabbed me by the bicep and dragged me toward where we'd left our bags.

  "Do you think this is a good idea?" I asked once out of ear shot.

  "Better than being apart, don't you think?" He chewed his lip. The gesture made him look more vulnerable than I'd ever seen him.

  "Yes," I said and reached out to skim my fingers along his hip.

  "Please come. For me?" Harden softened and begged with his eyes. I was about to say yes when he went on, "I'll make it worth your while."

  "Worth my while?" I asked taking a step closer, skin prickling.

  "Plenty of bathrooms and coat closets to duck into in big fancy places like that. We can make the rounds and then we can find some place to be alone.”

  “I thought you were waiting until after sectionals?” I asked, arousal thick in my voice.

  “I’ve changed my mind. If I have to go to this thing, I’m going to enjoy it.” This wasn’t normal for Harden. He was usually way more cautious when it came to his father. From Liam, I’d totally expect it but not from him.

  I didn’t know how to ride the line between fun and exciting with my boyfriend and making sure he didn’t screw up everything with his parents. He said he didn’t care, but I knew how important his father’s love and approval was to him.

  "Do you think that's a good idea?" Being caught in a compromising position flooded my mind. "I don't want to make your life more difficult."

  "It's exciting." He turned, skimming his knuckles along the inside of my arm. "And it's not me you're putting in a difficult position. I don't care if we're caught."

  "If you're sure." I'd feel out the temperature when we got there. If there wasn't a place to hide out, we could always sneak some alcohol and get a little toasty. Maybe that would calm Harden down.

  "I'm sure." His finger ventured further, stroking along my hip. The moment so personal and out in the open. Like we hid in plain sight. It was magical to have us in my heart where it was only ours. "I want you." The last was mouthed, filthy and sultry, his eyes matching the desire laced in his words.

  Selfishly, I didn't want it any other way. I wanted more time with it, protected and happy. Later, we could share it and be out, but right now I wanted him all to myself and free.

  "I want you too. I've always wanted you."

  "Then let's go."

  I went, trying to ignore the lump in my gut telling me none of this was a good idea.

  Nineteen

  "Want a little more?"

  "We still have to swim tomorrow," I whispered, holding my glass out despite it being against my better judgment.

  He tipped some of the flask he'd brought into the cup. The fumes coming off it could have killed someone, but we drank it anyway. It was the only way Harden got through all the glad-handing. He'd taken it with a smile, showing off the new missing parts of his hair and the staples. He smiled through his parents telling a harrowing tale of how he’d be swimming in spite of the injury.

  Finally, the adults grew bored, and we were left to our own devices to get more and more intoxicated.

  "I like you in my clothes," Harden said, his voice husky with the alcohol.

  "They fit pretty well."

  "Tighter across your shoulders," he said, directing his eyes there.

  "Mine are a little bigger than yours. But you're taller." And fuller, but I couldn't think of a better way to word it with as buzzed as I was.

  He tugged on the front of it. "I think they look better on you than me."

  "I don't think that's possible." I leaned into his touch, unable to deny myself anymore.

  "I know it is. It's standing in front of me." Harden hooked his finger in one of the buttonholes, dragging his nail over my skin. "I want to be alone with you."

  "What do you mean?" I glanced around in the sea of people we were with. It didn't matter that we were surrounded; we were always alone, because no one else existed when he was near. "We are alone." No one in the direct vicinity. I didn’t think he’d really follow through with what he’d said earlier. The risk was too great.

  "I mean more alone." He grabbed my tie with his thumb and first finger, adjusting it a bit. "I want this off."

  "What did you have in mind? Can we leave?" I wanted badly to get out of there. My body lit on fire from the suggestive gesture. It was enough. Who was I kidding? All he had to do was look.

  "Come get lost with me," Harden whispered, slipping his hand into mine, dragging me towards a door.

  "Is this a good idea?" I asked as we slipped into the hallway.

  "Do you care?"

  "I don't want you in more trouble than you're in already." Glancing around, I tried to get my bearings. "I don't think we’re supposed to be in here."

  "I do this all the time at these things. No one's going to notice." He squeezed my hand. "I'm already in trouble. If my father wants me to stay in line at all while he runs for office, he can shut up."

  This would turn into a dangerous game of chicken, but a part of me warmed. Harden wanted me, and it was worth pissing off his father to get me. The knowledge of it sunk into my chest and wrapped my soul tight.

  "Thank you," I said as he opened the doors and checked behind them.

  He paused and glanced over his shoulder. "For what?"

  "It would have been easy to do what your father wanted—” I cut myself off, not sure how much I should admit to. I trusted Harden but…but what? There shouldn't be a but when it came to him. He'd always kept his word to me. He'd been there for me when no one else was. He'd been by my side through all our storms.

  "You going to finish that, Vance?"

  I shook my head and looked at my feet. "No."

  He turned into me, keeping his hand in mine while sliding his finger under my chin, lifting i
t so I'd look into his eyes. "Good. Because I don't want easy. I want you. No matter how hard it gets, we are in this together."

  He kissed me. Right there in the hallway where anyone could see.

  "I want you. I've always wanted you."

  He smiled into my lips, and it felt like kissing sunshine. "I believe that."

  "How could I not?"

  "You're my best friend, Vance. Being in love with you fits like no one else ever has."

  My chest swelled and my heart ached. "And you're mine."

  He rubbed his nose against mine. "I need to be inside you."

  "Not right here!" I grabbed the back of his neck and kissed him harder, my actions betraying my words. I would have let him fuck me right there if he asked.

  I would have done anything for him, and the realization scared me.

  "No, but close. I need you now." The urgency that edged into his voice fed my own. I tugged at his shirt, and he snatched my wrist. "Not yet."

  "Where then?" I didn't stop the fight for his shirt, desperation bleeding out of me.

  Would there ever be a day I wasn't desperate for him?

  I hoped not.

  “I don’t know.” He shoved me into doors and opened them at random. Closet. Media room. Hidden staircase. Kitchen. He growled. "There has to be a place..."

  He opened another door to reveal tile.

  "A bathroom. Perfect." I took his hand dragging him inside.

  He flipped on the light to reveal a massive en-suite. There was a hot tub, a walk-in shower, and a row of towels. We ventured further to find a steamer.

  "Swanky," Harden said, opening the door to look inside.

  The back window looked out into a massive pool, and it all made sense. "Little escape."

  "I wonder if they throw orgies or something in here." Harden flipped on the steam dial.

  "What are you doing?" I asked.

  "Nothing. They won't even notice." He turned on me, a hungry leer in his eyes.

  "You still don't need to turn everything on..." I reached around him to flip the steamer off. "I wish we could swim, but all the windows look at the pool." We didn't have suits or anything either.

  He wrapped an arm around my waist, following my gaze towards the pool. "One day."

  "You reading my mind?"

  "Maybe I am." He brushed his lips over mine pressing me against the glass door. "One day we'll be able to swim and hold one another."

  "I was thinking skinny dipping."

  "We did that," he said into my mouth, reaching again to turn on the steamer.

  My brows pulled. "Why do you keep turning that back on?"

  "Because I want to fuck you in it."

  "We don't have time..." I couldn't help the groan that accompanied my words nor the way I wanted him. My heart swelled when he pulled back to leer at me again.

  "We'll be quick." He grabbed at my belt, and when I hesitated, he urged, "Come on."

  "We'll be wet..." My protest was only half-hearted while I loosened his tie.

  A smile curled over his mouth, and I would have done anything for him. He grabbed my face with both hands, kissing me hard until my heart pounded.

  How were we going to hide us? The weight of it crashed into me. The impossibility of not being able to be out because of his father. I tried not to let it sink like a weight tied to my soul, but as he kissed me, fingers creeping under clothes, it only got heavier.

  "What's wrong?" he asked, pulling me away from the glass door to open it.

  Steam wafted out towards us, clinging to our clothes and skin.

  "Nothing," I whispered, shedding my shirt.

  "You stopped touching me." He studied my face, ridding himself of his own shirt. I stalked forward reaching for his pants. He shoved my arm aside. "Don't fuck with me, Finch. Tell me the truth."

  My heart ached. Why could nothing be simple? "I don't want to ruin our night. It's already been a long day."

  "Do you think your feelings would ruin anything?"

  I nodded, feeling bad about it as I did.

  He grabbed my chin, capturing my mouth. "I grew up in a house of secrets. We've never kept anything from each other, and I don't want to start now."

  A pang of guilt hit me that I was sure showed on my face. "I'm sorry."

  Harden shook his head. "You're not allowed to be sorry, just be honest with me. I don't want to hide our feelings." He brought his mouth to mine again, keeping hold of my chin while he kissed me. "Promise me we won't do that to each other. Not ever."

  "I promise."

  His lips brushed mine again and again. I was lost to him. Never had my heart ached so much for another person. "Good. Now tell me what you were thinking."

  I reached between us, wrapping my fingers around him over his slacks. "I thought we came in there to fuck?" When did sex become easier than speaking?

  The realization hit me. A few months ago, I would have done anything to not expose my body, would have told Harden anything.

  He grabbed my wrist and shoved me into the glass behind me. "We did, and then you got that look in your eyes." His words were said with love, but it only made them sting a little less.

  "Okay, do you want to release my wrist?"

  "Nope."

  My brows lifted, but he didn't offer any other explanation.

  "We are going to get caught."

  "And who's fault will that be?"

  Why was I resisting so hard? "I'm worried."

  "About?" he prompted when I didn't go on.

  "About how we are going to…well, it sounds stupid when I try to say it out loud."

  He pressed kisses to the corners of my mouth and my cheeks, each one more reassurance than I'd known. "It's not stupid if you're feeling it."

  How easily his words filled the cracks in my soul. The little seeds of doubt soothed.

  "Please, Vance." The pleading in his eyes cut me through. This amazing guy needed the words from me. He needed reassurance from me. I'd spent so long thinking I wasn't good enough, held up on our friendship and being in love with him that I hadn't even taken into account he might need the same things I did.

  I cupped his face and kissed him again.

  "Vance." A frown pulled at his brows.

  "I'm not trying to distract you again," I said when I realized how my kiss appeared. "I had to kiss you."

  "Why?" Skepticism shined in his beautiful eyes.

  "Because I realized you need to hear things as much as I do." I hated the doubt. I rubbed my thumb between his brows, trying to ease the crease there.

  "What are you doing?" He swatted my hand away, then grabbed my wrist again pinning it behind my head. "Of course I do." Emotion carried his words. I'd known he loved me, but this was something more. Deeper.

  He dipped his fingers in my soul with every word as simple as they were.

  "What if he wins?"

  Confusion washed over him again. "My father?"

  "Yes."

  "Then he's the president, and my life is more complicated but not impossible."

  "And we have to hide for the next two years…” I didn't have to give him more.

  He nodded as soon as I'd gotten it out. "Oh."

  Had it not occurred to him the impossibility of us if his father won? Had he not processed what we were? What we would be? He released my wrist, and I expected him to back off, but he guided my arms around his neck and rested his forehead against mine.

  "He can't expect me to..." Harden started but we both knew what he'd expect. "Shit. The election isn't even for eighteen months."

  "And then reelection after that."

  "If he wins and runs for a second term..." Harden's tone turned bitter. "We'll be—”

  "Twenty-four," I finished for him.

  "It's a lifetime."

  "All of college. Grad school too.” It did feel like a lifetime at this moment. Maybe looking back in ten years, I'd think it went fast, but not being able to be out with my boyfriend for six years? All of college, we'd have to pr
etend to be friends.

  It would break me. I didn't dare say it, but I knew it in my bones. I wouldn't be able to watch Harden be who he'd been in high school with everyone half in love with him. I should have been able to take solace in knowing he'd come to me, but it didn't feel like enough.

  "What if..." He trailed off, and I wished he'd finish something. Say anything so I could know the ache in his chest throbbed as mine did.

  "Yes?" I asked, preparing myself to have my heart ripped from my chest.

  Would I hide for the next six years if he asked? I knew I would. I didn't have to even contemplate the question. Any part of Harden was better than none of him. His love would be enough. I'd have to endure.

  "I can't do it."

  My heart sank. "What?"

  "I don't think I can do it. How could I hide for four years?" He was shaking his head.

  "Oh..." I searched his face as his words settled in my brain. I hadn't considered he'd be leaving me because he couldn't stand to stay hidden. My heart started to beat a mile a minute and my ears rang. I felt like I needed to vomit, and I shoved at him.

  "Move."

  He didn't, and I shoved at him harder.

  "Vance."

  "Move!" I said putting my weight into it and using my leverage against the glass to get enough space.

  "What's wrong?" He tried to catch me, but I wriggled out of the space and ran towards the toilet, heaving my guts up by the time I hit my knees.

  His hand found my back, and I wished he'd go. If he was going to do this, he needed to rip my fucking heart out right now. I couldn't do another day of feeling like I'd found my forever if I didn't fit into his life.

  Twenty

  "Are you okay?" Harden asked as my dry heaving slowed.

  "I will be." Or I had to tell myself as much. Losing him wasn't just losing a boyfriend. It would be losing my best friend too. How could I look at him for the rest of the year and beyond and watch him fall in love with other people knowing my feelings wouldn't fade?

  I might have sounded like a dumb teenager, but I knew it to be true, and I hated his dad for it. I hated the circumstances we were born into that made our love impossible.