by J. R. Gray
I climbed on the block, and while I should be used to swimming this race without Harden on the block, it still felt weird to look over and not have him there. Not have his smirk and nod, him telling me to focus on my own race. I needed to focus on this one, focus on trying to secure a spot close to him, but there was too much in my mind.
I tried to push it aside as the referee told us to take our marks, but even after the buzzer sounded and my body hit the icy water, I kept coming back to Harden and Liam. Woods and the governor. I hit my first wall and scuffed the turn a little, cursing myself out. I wasn't behind the pack, but I wasn't in the lead. Being in the outside lane didn't help me any. I'd run into the drag from all the other swimmers, eating white water.
None of it mattered. None of them would change my life. Only I could leave it all here in the water and hope the universe didn't screw Harden and me.
I put everything I had into my race, nailing my second and third turn. Only twenty-five meters left.
My heart hammered in my ears. I didn't see anyone around me, just the wall, just those final few meters to get a scout to want to give me money. Just the future. In the white water. Our future.
I slammed both hands into the wall but didn't dare look. I didn't need to. I'd left everything I'd had in the water, and if I didn't make state, I didn't make state. I wouldn't let it bring me down. I had one two one-hundredths of a second to shave off in the next race, and that was all I was going to worry about.
I pulled my goggles off my head and climbed out of the pool. Harden wasn't there to meet me. I bet he wasn't allowed. Better that way. I needed to do this on my own. I needed to keep this inner peace until my next race.
Woods sat on the edge of the pool, watching as I approached.
“Good swim,” he said, softer than his tone had ever been.
“It felt good.”
“So close too.” His eyes trailed up my body, and a smile formed on his lips.
My heart sank. It was the only confirmation I needed. I blew out my cheeks. “I need to get warmed down and ready for the hundred free.”
“Same.” He tilted his head. “That one you’ll get.”
“I’m just going to come out and say it: you being nice to me is weird.”
He stared at me for a second, and I was sure he was about to go off, but then he said, “I’ll be whatever you want me to be. Are you more attracted to assholes?” He tilted his head and glanced at where the rest of my team sat. “Is that your type?”
“He’s not an asshole.”
“Only to me then?”
I shook my head. “You are to each other.”
“Only because he hated that I always beat him. We used to swim together.”
“What?” I shook my head. “I’d remember that.”
“You weren’t in our lane. It was before I changed swim clubs.” He looked away, and there was some sort of sadness there.
Had I not realized he’d swam with us as kids? I’d been just starting in eighth grade, and Harden had been swimming since he was eight. My dad could barely afford the fees. I did it to spend more time with Harden, and it had earned me part of my scholarship here. If I hadn’t, I’d be in the same public school as Woods.
“I didn’t know.”
“You only had eyes for him then too.”
“Then why do you flirt with me?” I asked taking a seat next to him.
“Because I realized it pisses him off.” He smiled and shrugged.
“We’d probably all get along if you hadn’t been better than him all these years.” And I realized Harden probably did hate him for being better. Not even on purpose but because it was expected of him by the governor to always be the best. It was the only way he got love from his father.
Love for Harden had always come with conditions. Expected behavior, expected excellence. A fine line to toe. I’d probably hate anyone who stood in the way of that too.
“You know, I believe that.” He held my eyes, and a silent moment passed between us. “He might today. I taper for state, not for sectionals. He has a chance. Will that change things?”
“Change what?”
“Never mind.”
Something occurred to me. “Why didn’t you come to Boniface with us?” He could have easily gotten a scholarship like I had.
“My parents don’t believe in religious schools.” He slipped into the water. “Come on. We need to cool-down and get to the hundred so I can kick Harden’s ass one last time.”
“What were you and Woods talking about?” Harden asked when I joined him in the holding area waiting for the hundred to be called.
“I didn’t realize he used to swim with you.”
“For a long time.” Harden’s face stayed hard.
“He wasn’t flirting with me.”
“He was checking you out.”
I held out my hand for his. “Only to piss you off. And he said as much too.”
Harden put his hand in mine, and I stepped into his space. A little moment, right here in the middle of the chaos of a meet, but it felt like we were alone.
“It’s more than that. You’re an attractive guy.”
“Well, it’s too bad. I’m taken and pretty obsessed.”
“Pretty?” he asked, a smile creeping onto the edge of his lips.
“Yes.”
“Good.” He gave me a rougish smile. “Ready for this?”
“Actually, yes.”
“You were so close on the fly. You dropped a shit load of time.”
“I didn’t look.”
He stared at me. “What?”
I shrugged. “My headspace wasn’t in it for the first twenty-five. It’s going to be better for this one.”
“You did look different after you fucked up the turn…” He didn’t say I could have made state if the first twenty-five had been good, and I was grateful. “I expect the same for this then.”
“I’ve got this, and so do you.”
He held out his fist and I bumped it.
“To your lanes,” the ref called.
"Just remember, if you make it to state, I get to shave you."
I stared at Harden.
"You heard me."
My brain short-circuited. "Excuse me?”
"You're excused."
"You want to..."
"Not want to, am."
"Am I into that?" I tilted my head side to side, ignoring Harden's smirk. "Shit, I am."
"I know."
"Bastard."
"Go to your lane or you’re going to be disqualified!”
"We are revisiting this!" I wasn't sure if this was going to help or hinder my swimming. Jesus Christ, what a thing to be thinking about.
I got up on my block and glanced over at Harden like I did every race. It felt like a lifetime had happened between the beginning of this and where we were now. It was almost impossible to believe we were here.
I had faith that no matter what happened with this swim and with college, Harden and I would find a way. Much better than I’d felt at the beginning of last race.
“Take your marks.”
Time stood still.
Or maybe it moved without me. Or me without it.
I’d swam hundreds of races in the last four years, and they’d all brought me here. For good or bad. I left it all in the water. It was the best I’d felt about a swim in my entire life.
My hand slammed into the touchpad, and I kept my eyes closed, holding onto the wall.
Look, Vance.
Just look.
Either way, you did your best.
Arms wrapped around me from behind. I knew those arms. Harden had come over from his lane and wrenched me into a hug. He was yelling something, but it was too loud to make it out. I squirmed, causing our wet bodies to rub together so I could get a look at his face. He wore a massive smile.
“Did you beat him?”
“Are you fucking asking me that right now?” He shook his head, eyes alight with amusement.
I turned to look at the board. To see where he’d placed.
Lane three: First.
“YOU BEAT HIM.”
“Stop looking at my time. Look at yours!”
“What?” I glanced again to see I’d taken third from an outside lane. “Damn. How’d I get third?”
Wait.
I’d got third.
How fast had I gone? I checked the board again.
“Holy shit.”
“Holy shit is right.” Harden hugged me tighter. “We have to get out of the water before they yell at us.” He released me, and we climbed out of the pool.
I kept checking the board like it was some kind of prank the universe played on me. “I really made it and you won?”
He laughed. “No. The universe hates me. Look again.”
I frowned trying to figure out what I’d missed.
No!
I joined him laughing. “You tied?”
“That bastard couldn’t even let me have a clean win.” At least Harden seemed to be in good spirits about it.
We made our way to the cool-down pool so the next race could take the space.
“You still have state to get him.”
“I don’t need to beat him. I don’t need anything else.” He nudged his shoulder into mine.
I stared into his eyes when we stopped, wanting to grab him and kiss him.
“I know that look.”
“What look?” I lied.
“You are impossible to resist.” He caught my jaw in his hand, bringing his face close to mine. “I want to kiss you so badly.”
My heart stopped for a full second, but too soon, his lips were gone. I had to be dreaming.
“Did I kill you?” he asked releasing me.
I touched my lips. “No, but I think I’m dreaming.”
“You’re not.” He wrapped his massive arm around me.
“This means you’re shaving me right?”
“Is that really what you’re thinking about?” He looked at the ceiling.
“Of course it’s what I’m thinking about!”
He shook his head with a laugh. “Yes. I’ll be shaving you, but I’m not shaving your legs or your back.”
My eyes went wide. “What?”
His lips twisted into a smirk that I felt in my groin.
We had time before the four hundred relay, so we cooled down and returned to the bleachers with our team. I sat against the wall, pulling my phone out of my bag.
“No.” Harden sat next to me, then lifted my arms and took my phone out of my hands. He then proceeded to lay his head in my lap.
Again, I was left frozen. “Are we just out now?”
“I don’t care. I want to do what I want. I told you, I’m done tempering my behavior for what my dad might think.” He tossed my phone back in my bag and put my hand in his hair.
“Needy?”
“I like when you play with my hair.” He rolled toward me, looking up at me.
“You’re like a giant cat.”
He nodded, rubbing his cheek over my half-hard dick. “Act like you don’t like it.”
“I wouldn’t even pretend to.”
He pulled his earbuds out of his pocket holding one out to me. I stuck it in my ear, and he put the other in his. “Let me nap.”
“You okay?” I asked, scratching over his scalp, avoiding the staples. He usually was full of energy the entire meet.
“I think the last few days are getting to me.” He smiled and closed his eyes.
He stayed like that until coach came and got us to warm up for the relay.
I asked him again if he was okay, and he waved me off. “I swam the best time of my life and tied with Woods. We are going to win the relay, and you’ll be going to state in two events.”
“Okay.” I still didn’t like it.
I led off the relay, getting us a half-body length lead. Harden was beaming when he helped me out of the water. Our teammate Josh kept the lead, giving Frank a good place to keep up.
We held our breath. Frank started to lose the lead on his final twenty-five.
“Shit.”
“It’s fine,” Harden said, getting on the block.
It would be him against Woods. Down to the final lap.
I wrung my hands as Harden focused on his relay start. He leapt off the block a half-second before Woods as Frank stretched for the wall. A perfect transition.
He took off faster than I’d ever seen him, but Woods wasn’t going to let him have it. I’d seen the look in his eyes. He wasn’t happy about the tie. They cut through the water, and the crowd screamed.
Woods gained on Harden, and I could have passed out right there. Shit, shit, shit. I stood at the end of the lane screaming. Encouraging. Cheering. Woods was on him. They were neck and fucking neck coming out of the final flip.
I pulled my hair, going hoarse but not stopping. They came toward the finish, and Harden stretched for his touch, reaching to brush his fingers over the wall, and Woods slammed his hand on the board.
I spun, eyes on the scoreboard, waiting the half-second delay for it to populate the winner.
FUCK.
The stands exploded.
I clapped my hands over my mouth.
He did it.
He'd done it.
Harden met my eyes, a smile taking over his entire face. I held out a hand for him, pulling him from the water, wrapping my arms around him. He grabbed my face with both hands and kissed me. Right there in front of everyone. Not tucked away in the corner, not hidden. This was out in the open at sectionals.
I blinked staring at him.
He gave me a rueful smile and shrug. "You did it!"
"You helped!" He staggered a step back, but I didn't let go of him. I wasn't ready yet.
"We need to celebrate!"
I couldn't believe I was going to state in two events.
"Vance..."
"Yes?"
"I think I need to sit down..." Harden pulled out of my grasp, but he didn't move. He swayed and went down.
Twenty-Four
"Can you drive any faster?"
"Not if you want to get to the hospital safely." My father's voice low and steady. How could he be so calm?
"What if he's not okay?" I pulled at my seatbelt and adjusted my seat for the hundredth time in the short drive.
"He's going to be okay," my father said with conviction, but doubt crept into my mind and heart.
How could I believe him? Harden had slipped through my fingers. Why did he have to step out of my arms? Had he passed out seconds before, he'd have fallen on me. I could have supported him, kept him from hitting his head on the fucking tile.
There was so much blood.
"You're white as a sheet, son."
"I'm fine. I just need to fucking get to the hospital and see him."
My father reached over and squeezed my knee. "You can't go in there like this. You'll pass out."
"Jesus, Dad, I'm fine." I knew he meant well, but I couldn't handle anything but getting to Harden.
"It's going to be okay. Should I come in with you?"
I shook my head. "Can they move any faster? Maybe I should jog from here." I reached to unbuckle my seatbelt.
My father grabbed my wrist. "I'm not letting you jog a mile in this cold looking like you’re 'bout to topple over."
"Dad!" I groaned but didn't fight him.
He pulled into the bay in front of the ER. I was out the door before he rolled to a stop, running towards the desk.
"Can I help you?" the nurse asked.
"Harden Hart. He's my...boyfriend. They just brought him in."
A crease formed in her brow. "He's no longer in the ER."
"Why?"
She checked the computer again. “I'm sorry, I can't say. You’re not listed as someone who can receive his private medical information.”
"Is he in the fucking morgue or something?"
"You need to go to his guardians or his next of kin and ask."
"They aren't going to answer their phones."
"Walk through the ER to the normal hospital entrance and ask for him there." She must have taken pity on me.
I called out a thank you as I jogged in the direction she'd pointed. I ran through the twists and turns, trying to figure out the maze of a hallway. Finally, I found the visitor’s desk.
"Harden Hart," I said through gasps.
"Visiting hours are over. I'm sorry."
"He's my boyfriend. He was brought in through the ER. I have to see him. I have to know he's okay."
She narrowed her gaze at me, and I pleaded with my eyes. She sighed and tapped a couple of keys. "Oh..."
"What?" My heart was in my throat.
"Let me make a call."
"Yes, this is the visitor's desk. I think he's here..." She paused. "Yes. Okay, sir."
"What? What was that?" I asked when she hung up the phone.
"Governor Hart will be down to see you in a minute."
"Why?"
"I'm sorry, you'll have to wait for him."
I pressed my eyes closed and spun around so she wouldn't witness me losing it.
I couldn't do this. Harden had to be okay. It wasn't fair. I'd only had him for a few weeks. I couldn't lose him, not when we had finally gotten together.
"Vance." The governor's voice pulled me from my spiral.
I turned towards him. "Please take me to Harden."
"I'm afraid I can't do that, Vance."
"Why?"
"You need to go home." His voice was cold. Dead. Heartless.
"Tell me what's going on," I demanded, squaring my shoulders and looking him right in the eyes.
"This is a family matter, Vance. You need to go home."
"I am family."
"You're not." He turned and stalked to walk away.
I chased after him. "Will you at least tell me how he is?"
"It's not your concern, Vance."
I broke right there. My insides shattered. I’d watched Harden go down. Watched his fucking head hit the damn pool deck. I watched his blood fill the drain and leak into the pool. I stood there fucking helpless as they carried him out on a stretcher, and this motherfucker was denying me even the decency of letting me know he wasn't dead.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Rage ran buzzed under my skin.
"Don't cause a scene."
"What do I care if I cause a scene?” I said, fighting back the crushing weight on my chest. “I need to know.”