IT WAS ALWAYS YOU

by Erika Kelly

“Of course not, silly.” She pulled down a can of cheese. “We’re putting this on them.”

  “That’s disgusting.”

  “How would you know, Mr. My Body is My Temple? Have you ever tried it?”

  “Will it make me run faster? Throw more precisely?”

  “I’m down to put it to the test if you are.”

  “Training camp starts in six weeks, leave my temple alone.”

  Further up the aisle, they came upon cookies. “What were you thinking for dessert?”

  “I’ll get some berries, some fresh cream…”

  “Yeah, okay. You’ve got enough on your plate with the main meal. I’ll take care of appetizers and dessert.” She snatched a package of frosted animal crackers.

  “That’s not…” He pulled the bag out of her hands and shoved it back. “Okay, no. We’re not serving toddlers.” He nudged her aside and took over the cart. “Jesus, no one would believe you’re Tyler Cavanaugh and Joss Montalbano’s daughter.”

  “I’ll tell you what, when you grow up weighing portion sizes and finding raw broccoli in your lunch bag, you tend to go wild when you leave home.”

  “That was nine years ago. You haven’t found some kind of balance by now?”

  “Where’s the fun in that?” She tossed a bag of Twizzlers into the cart.

  He looked at them like they were poisonous snakes. “We’re like night and day.”

  She scanned the gourmet chocolate bars. “Desert and ocean.”

  “Sweet and sour.”

  “Open and…wait.” She looked up at him. “Which one of us is sweet and which is sour?”

  “Well, I think your sniping speaks for itself.”

  “I only snipe around you.” She smacked his arm. “Because you’re a dick.”

  He watched her for a moment. And then he said, “But not anymore, right?”

  She looked into those intense green eyes, took in his handsome features, and saw the man no one else in the world got to see.

  And this feeling swept in, water coursing over parched earth, sunlight hitting frosted glass…forgiveness healing a broken heart.

  “No.” She touched his arm. “Not anymore.”

  * * *

  The suite smelled amazing. Gigi had only stepped out for ten minutes to take a call from her manager, but Cassian already had something baking—something with onion and garlic. Yum.

  She took a moment to watch him at work. Wearing a long-sleeve navy blue Henley—the sleeves pushed up to his elbows—worn jeans, and bare feet, he looked like a domesticated bad boy.

  He glanced at up her. “Everything okay?”

  “It’s only been four days, but so far everyone’s behaving. Maybe there’s hope for this third album after all.”

  As he chopped an array of colorful, fresh vegetables like a pro, his muscles flexed. Those broad shoulders and taut stomach, his strong jaw and sensuous mouth...

  Good God, the man’s gorgeous.

  Stop staring. “Well, I guess I’ll set up the hors d’oeuvres.” She ripped open a sleeve of crackers, squirted some cheese onto one, and popped it in her mouth. “Mm.” She prepared another one and brought it to his mouth.

  “Get that thing away from me.” Smiling, he twisted away.

  As they worked easily together, she felt this rush of intimacy with him. She used to dream about moments like these. They’d be in their tree house, talking about any old thing, and she’d imagine them in their kitchen cooking together. Or her legs on his lap as they watched TV. Him shaving at the sink, while she showered...just being so comfortable together.

  She never saw careers or kids or even what their house looked like. It was just random scenes with him. Easy, simple moments bursting with love. “Truth or Dare?”

  “I’m going with truth since everyone’ll be here in less than an hour.”

  She dumped the crackers onto a plate. “What’s your proudest moment? In your whole life?”

  He didn’t even hesitate. “My first touchdown, freshman year.”

  That made sense, she supposed. Her dad had turned a delinquent kid into a quarterback in under a year. She peeled the plastic off the Brie. “You’re prouder of that than being invited to play in the Pro Bowl? Making it to the Super Bowl? Being chosen MVP?”

  He shoved the hair off his face with the back of a hand. “You remember the first thing I did when I crossed the line?”

  Warmth spread through her. Of course, she did.

  Chop chop chop. His fingers moved deftly. He didn’t look up from his task. “I looked for you. You were on the sidelines with your dad. I wanted to know if you’d seen me do it.”

  “I did.” She’d expected—like everyone else watching—for him to do some kind of victory dance or jump into a huddle with his excited teammates.

  But he hadn’t. He’d searched her out in the crowd—and when he’d found her, he’d looked almost startled, like Did I just do that? And then he’d given her a grin as shy as a little boy who’d just learned to tie his shoes. It had rocked her world, the way he’d shared that special moment with her. “But I mean your proudest. The one thing in life that—”

  “I heard you, and that’s my answer. Up until then, I’d been angry and…defiant. Pissed at the world. I’d made life hard on everyone. But then I met you, and I wanted to be better.” He stopped chopping, shoving at his hair with the back of a hand. “It wasn’t about football at first. I didn’t know how to play, and the guys didn’t want me joining the team after the season had already started, so it wasn’t like it was fun. Most of the time, I felt embarrassed, because I kept screwing up. Coach didn’t have time for a new guy who’d never touched a football before. He needed someone who’d hit the ground running. So, making that touchdown, it meant…” When his hair fell forward, he shook his head in frustration.

  Gently, she tucked the errant lock behind his ear. His whole demeanor softened, and she recognized the want in his eyes.

  “What did it mean?” she asked quietly.

  “It meant your dad was right. He’d heard from the gym teachers that I was athletic, so he’d taken a chance on me, and I was glad to pay back his investment. But it also meant I wasn’t a loser anymore, which gave me a shot at you. Gigi Cavanaugh wouldn’t want anything to do with a kid in detention, but if I were a winner, you’d give me the time of day.”

  A week ago, she’d been a glacier. Now, this man’s words were melting her so completely the ocean levels would surely rise. “You were always good enough for me. If only you’d felt it in here.” She pressed her hand over his heart.

  He dropped the knife to grasp it. “Your dad used to talk to me about being self-destructive. Said he was the same way before he met your mom, so he could see it in me. He said…” He looked away, clearly embarrassed. “He said he had it hard growing up, that his parents didn’t have time for him, so he didn’t have much self-worth. And he said, ‘Neglect does that to a kid.’ Until that moment, I’d never really seen myself that way. It made me think about my childhood, and…yeah, your dad was right.”

  “I think that’s why he fell so hard for my mom. She takes care of people, and he needed that. I mean, right from the beginning, she was just so attentive to him. She dotes on him.”

  “Yeah, they’re good together.”

  It struck her, what her dad had inadvertently done. “How ironic, though, right? My dad helped you gain self-esteem, and then he took it right out from under you.”

  “How’s that?”

  “By telling you to stay away, he was saying you weren’t good enough for me. He might’ve said, Let Gigi reach her potential, but you heard, Keep your dirty, self-destructive hands off her.”

  His features twisted into raw, unyielding pain. “I…” His jaw snapped shut. He swallowed. “Yeah. Guess I did.” He picked up the knife and started chopping again. Only, this time, his movements weren’t so smooth.

  “You have to know he didn’t mean it like that. He thinks the world of you.” But her words couldn’t reach t
hat deeply ingrained belief. As she washed grapes and set them on a plate, she wished so badly her dad hadn’t interfered. Who knows where they would’ve wound up?

  Pulling a baguette out of its sleeve, she decided to tell him the truth. “I wanted your dirty hands on me. More than anything, I wanted all of you, and it killed me, because when I was alone with you, I was so sure you were mine, but then we’d leave our little cocoon, and you’d be with my dad, your coach, your teammates…or Melissa, Carrie, Jen…and you weren’t mine at all. It was just so confusing.” Hurtful.

  “I’d have spent every minute with you, if I could have.” Done chopping, he scooped a handful of vegetables and dumped them into the simmering quinoa pot. He wiped his hands on a kitchen towel and turned to face her. “I’ve missed you, and if you want the truth…the only time I don’t feel alone is when I’m with you.”

  Tears burned, and she wanted to step into the shelter of his arms and say, I feel that, too. She wanted to forget the rest of the world and just be with him.

  And she would, too. She could see herself selling her house in Los Angeles, moving in with him and sleeping beside him every night, running into his arms when he came home after practice.

  They’d watch movies and snuggle and wander the farmer’s market, have dinner parties with his teammates.

  She could see them having all that…if he changed.

  But she didn’t believe he would. Whatever it was that had driven him to grab Ashton that night…it was still there.

  It wasn’t their past that blocked their way forward.

  It was the damage life had done to him.

  And that meant she couldn’t trust him.

  Because, inevitably, he’d hurt her again.

  Lured by Gigi’s powerful voice, Cassian hurried down the corridor. The oncology wing’s community room, crowded with staff, family, and patients, throbbed with music and excitement.

  He’d come too late, though. The song ended, and the audience burst into applause.

  “Thank you.” With her platinum braids, black shorts, polka dot tights, and combat boots, she waved. “You guys are the best.”

  “Encore,” a man called, and others joined in enthusiastically.

  “Kev,” Gigi called. “Do we have time for one more?”

  “We can absolutely squeeze in one more song.” His eyes shone with happiness.

  She scanned the room, breaking out in a big grin when she landed on Grant. “You want to hear a duet Grant Banner and I have been working on?”

  The applause grew louder, a man in front whistling with two fingers in his mouth.

  “Come on.” Gigi gestured for him, and the country star lifted his guitar case and made his way to her. “This is a big moment, you guys. You’re the very first people to hear the finished song.”

  “Woo hoo,” a teenage girl called.

  “Yeah,” shouted a boy.

  A doctor gave up her chair for Grant, and he sat down and opened his case.

  “It doesn’t have a title yet.” Gigi had great stage presence. She talked like they were all good friends, gathered around a campfire. “So, after you hear it, we’d love your suggestions.”

  Over the shouts and applause, a little girl clapped and said, “We get to name a Lollipop song.”

  The duo launched into the music. Gigi looked so happy, so beautiful, and when she turned to Grant and whispered something in his ear, Cassian felt a stab of jealousy. He wanted that closeness with her.

  And you’ll get it. This tour had given him the chance he’d needed. He’d done the hard work, apologizing, explaining, which had enabled him to chip away at the wall she’d erected.

  He hoped he’d helped her heal.

  Sure, tomorrow, she’d be in Los Angeles, and he’d be busy with his football camp. But this is a beginning. He’d fly out to see her as soon as camp ended.

  As Gigi sang, she closed her eyes.

  * * *

  A million years ago you owned my heart

  Back when life was simpler

  When all I did was think about you,

  And wonder who you were with

  and what you were doing with her

  that you wouldn’t do with me

  * * *

  When she opened her eyes, she looked right at him, and he felt a seismic shift in his bones.

  * * *

  If only you’d been a better man

  If only you’d been worthy of my love

  If only I’d seen the heart of you

  If only…

  * * *

  A million years have passed, with you long gone

  So how can you be standing in the place I last saw you

  I thought you’d moved on and never looked back

  But I was wrong, and now I don’t know

  If I’m looking at the man you’ve become

  Or the man I wish you’d be

  * * *

  If only you’d been a better man

  If only you hadn’t twisted my heart

  If only I could trust myself again

  If only…

  * * *

  If only…

  If only…

  If only…

  * * *

  As the last note hung in the room, Gigi’s held his gaze expectantly. He knew she wanted a response, but he couldn’t give her one.

  Because the song expressed exactly what he’d done to her, and it jammed his gears.

  The roar in his ears drowned out the audience’s applause. His skin went hot at the same time his blood ran cold.

  Healed her? Fuck, he hadn’t gained any traction. And that meant, when she went back to Los Angeles, she’d get swallowed up in her life as if this tour had never happened.

  They’d be over.

  And he’d have to live the rest of his life without her.

  Slowly, he rose out of the fog, tuned into the clapping, the shouts and calls. Grant grinned like he knew he had a hit on his hands, but Gigi still watched Cassian carefully.

  This is her moment. It’s not about me. So, he lifted arms that felt like lead bars and clapped, forcing a smile.

  When the room quieted down, she said, “Okay, hit me with your titles.”

  “A Million Years Ago,” someone said.

  “Worthy of My Love,” someone else called.

  A little girl whispered, and her mom leaned low to hear. When she straightened, the woman said, “’If Only.’”

  Gigi gave the girl a warm smile. “Yeah, that’s my pick, too.” She nudged Grant. “What do you say? ‘If Only?’”

  “’If Only,’ it is.”

  “We’ll give a credit to you, Arianna, on our liner notes,” Gigi said. “Would that be all right?”

  Grinning, the girl nodded vigorously.

  Kevin got up and murmured something to Grant and Gigi, before turning to the audience. “I know I speak for everyone when I say we’ve had a great time with you all. Thank you for welcoming us so warmly. Miss Dana has my contact information, so if you’ve been promised anything or just want to say hey, you can always reach me.”

  Movement all around Cassian prompted him to go, but he was stuck.

  He had to face a hard truth. He’d never been good for her. Back in high school, he’d had her all twisted up. Confused. Because, when he was alone with her, no one else in the world existed, but when they were around others, he acted like she didn’t matter.

  He’d hurt her even while he’d loved her.

  And now, as the Bad Boy Quarterback, he could damage her reputation. Her career.

  “You coming?” Macy said.

  “Yeah.” He followed her out, resolve grabbing hold of him.

  There was only one choice.

  He had to be a better man.

  Because a life without Gigi was unthinkable.

  Chapter Ten

  That night after dinner, a bunch of them gathered in Cassian’s suite. They’d borrowed a karaoke machine from the manager, and now they were taking turns.

&n
bsp; After Gigi had kicked things off with Prince’s “I would Die 4 U,” she passed the microphone to Macy.

  She was trying really hard to be in the moment, but she couldn’t get Cassian’s expression out of her mind. When she’d asked Grant to do the duet with her, she hadn’t been thinking about the lyrics. She’d written that song at the beginning of the week, before they’d talked things through, when seeing him again had revitalized all the anger, and she’d needed to make sense of it all.

  Every word was true, and she loved the song, but it had gutted him.

  Yes, because he got it. Like, down to his bones, he understood what she’d gone through. That’s a good thing.

  Gigi looked over as Macy belted out a Pat Benatar song. It was hilarious. The closed-off introvert had become a funny, sarcastic woman who jumped right into the fun. Nice to see.

  Gigi wished she could get into it, but tonight was her last night. Tomorrow she’d go home to LA, and she wouldn’t see Cassian other than when they happened to cross paths in Calamity or at her parent’s house.

  And she wasn’t ready to leave him.

  Her phone vibrated, and she pulled it out of her pocket to see her manager’s name on the screen.

  Michelle: Heard from Dale today. She’s thrilled with the press you’re getting.

  Gigi: Glad to hear it.

  Though, she wasn’t doing it for Dale.

  Gigi: My lovely bandmates still behaving?

  Michelle: LOL. Dani was trying to lay low in Mexico but got caught by the paps drunk off her ass in a club, and Tanya had a blow-out fight with her boyfriend in public. But no one’s heard from Jess in rehab, so that’s a good sign.

  Fear sucker-punched her. How could they take risks like that when so much was at stake?

  Gigi: What does this mean for the band? Has Dale said anything?

  She really wanted to finish this album, leave Clean Beatz on good terms. She didn’t want a ruined reputation.