‘I’m sure a lot of women feel the same way but that doesn’t seem to put them off,’ Cary adds.
I don’t think a man can quite understand that having babies isn’t necessarily a given and why would he? It isn’t for everyone. But I so wish I hadn’t made that careless remark, when I was simply trying to be empathetic.
‘Maybe I wouldn’t have the patience. Who knows? I’ve never really spent much time with young children. I think my sister Beth might have put me off a little, if I’m being honest. She’s spoilt and always has been, being the youngest.’
Cary’s face lights up with a huge grin. ‘Sibling rivalry, eh?’
My attempt at going off on a slight tangent doesn’t quite work, as now he’s amused.
But I’m offended, which is crazy as he knows virtually nothing about me. ‘Not at all. It was a textbook case of being afraid of making a mistake with the first-born, due to lack of experience. My parents were quite strict in many respects, but it made me the person I am. By the time Beth came along, nine years later, they were so overjoyed that the rule book went out the window. Once a child learns that shedding a few tears will get them whatever they want, every little thing becomes a drama. Eventually it was easier for my parents to simply give in to her.’
‘You mentioned she’d recently become engaged?’ He sounds genuinely interested, although I can’t imagine why as our relationship is destined to be very short-lived. Then I realise that the more he knows about me, the more convincing he’ll be answering those questions.
‘Yes. On her twenty-first birthday last August. Planning is in progress for the wedding of the decade and the panic is on because it’s going to be held on her twenty-second birthday.’
Cary glances in my direction again and I incline my head, encouraging him to keep looking straight ahead. In fairness there aren’t many vehicles on the road but having come this far I want to get there in one piece.
‘You sound as if you don’t approve.’
I sigh. I love my baby sister Beth, but all that spoiling means she turned out to be high-maintenance.
‘I suppose I feel a bit sorry for Will. Beth is the bride from hell when it comes to wanting every single little thing to be perfect. Don’t get me wrong, she’s budget-conscious but just half an hour listening to her going on and on about the arrangements and my head feels like it’s going to explode. It’s not rocket science. Pick a venue, buy a dress, a few flowers, a cake and a photographer if you must. What’s the big deal?’
After my little admission he doesn’t turn to look at me, but I can see that he’s raised his eyebrows in surprise, I suppose.
‘You’re not big on weddings, either?’ he asks, a hint of almost disbelief in his voice.
‘No. I find them rather boring, to be honest. Beth’s will be the same. All that hanging around for zillions of photos when all the guests want to do is eat and dance.’
‘Cressida hosted Laurence and Sally’s wedding at the house. A huge marquee was erected in the garden and the champagne flowed late into the night. I prefer to remember them both on that day when their relationship was so much simpler. They used to gaze into each other’s eyes and that made Cressida very happy. In fact, the happiest she’d been for a long time. But then, after my big upset, she didn’t think she’d have to wait quite so long for a repeat event.’
‘But you have dated people since then, I assume.’ There’s an awkward pause.
‘If I’m in need of company then I take someone out to dinner. But I’ve learnt that after a couple of dates a woman tends to think it’s turning into something more. That requires effort and time, which I don’t have. So, I tend to spend my weekends getting my sorry ass to the gym in between perfecting the art of avoiding people. I spend much of my working week talking, so it works for me.’
Well, at least he’s honest but he’s living to work, not working to live.
‘Just a little tip. Don’t ever enlighten Cressida about that, will you?’
‘A full-blown relationship is way down on my agenda. So far down, in fact, it might have dropped off the bottom of the page.’
I burst out laughing and he joins me. ‘And now we’ve given her false hope! I feel awful about that.’
‘Don’t,’ he says, sounding fine about it. ‘You’ve made her Christmas. I’ll let her down gently when the time is right. Does this look familiar to you? The satnav is saying it’s the next left.’
I gaze out and sure enough I know where I am. Suddenly my stomach turns over. But I’m grateful to Cary for keeping the conversation going because it’s taken my mind off the inevitable.
‘Yes. Next left and there’s a little cul-de-sac off to the right-hand side. Here, turn here. It’s the one with the pale blue door.’
Cary pulls up outside a typical five-bedroom executive home on this pretty little estate.
‘Well, all that’s left to say is thanks for stepping up. I hope it goes well for you, and text or call me to say Merry Christmas. I doubt our stories will hold up if we don’t have even a brief exchange at some point tomorrow. I’ll hang around by the car to wave you inside so I can make a thing of being the mystery man.’
He looks across at me playfully.
‘Having a new man in my life is the last thing I need, so I only hope when the moment comes I can at least sound convincing.’
He raises his eyebrows, wrinkling his brow.
‘Oh. Right. Well, if you flounder give me a call and I’ll be over to whisk you away. A contract is a contract, after all. I know enough about you now to keep it going when I get back and answer most of the questions,’ he adds confidently. ‘Wish I could say I think it will be as easy for you. Personally, I think you’re making a big mistake even getting out of the car, given the circumstances.’
I’m angry with myself because I know he’s right, but it’s mean-spirited of him to point that out. I should have stood my ground in the first place, and I’m well aware of that. The harsh reality is that it’s hard to cut ties with people who have embraced you as family, when they reach out to you.
‘Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?’
Suddenly I’m in a fighting mood because his comment has annoyed me. I’ve just put up with his family saga, so where’s his empathetic compassion?
I swing open the passenger door and head round to the rear of the car where Cary is now lifting out my suitcase and hand luggage.
‘Okay. Fifty pounds says you’ll regret your decision and you won’t last until Boxing Day.’ His eyes flash with amusement and anger rises up within me. How dare he stand in judgement of my situation. Who the hell does he think he is?
‘Make that a hundred. There’s no doubt in my mind you won’t get off as lightly as you think. I’m going to be the one called upon to rescue you when the cracks in your plan start to show up. There’s no way Cressida will let you spend the entire holiday period apart from the new woman in your life.’
It’s a bold statement but I like a challenge. Having met her, I know I’m right and it does wipe that stupid, amused look off his face. We shake hands, firmly, and it occurs to me that maybe we’re both nervous about what’s to come and playing it down. Being single and totally unattached at Christmas seems sad to many people.
‘Merry Christmas, Leesa,’ Cary says, his voice suddenly warmer and sincere this time. ‘Thanks for putting up with me and my family. And if we both manage to get through the festive period safely, we’ll catch up in the New Year.’
I nod. ‘You’ll have the video by the first of February as agreed.’
‘Great. Good luck.’
We’re both hovering, which is embarrassing, and then suddenly he leans in to plant a kiss on my cheek. I know he’s only doing this in case anyone is watching but it’s still a little weird. I focus on lifting my luggage with seeming ease, as this won’t work if he has to help out and follow me to the front door.
As I walk away I call over my shoulder, ‘Thank you for getting me here safely, Santa. L
ove the upgraded sleigh.’
Before I reach the end of the path the door swings open and both Gwen and Peter welcome me into their arms. Peter immediately grabs my case and bag, turning as he does so to look at the car.
‘Peter thought he heard a car pull up. I can’t believe you’re here at last!’ Gwen says, sounding emotional.
I make a thing of leaning back a little to return Cary’s embarrassingly over the top wave. Oh well, it’s a start.
Now for the tough bit.
8
The Holiday Spirit is Flowing
‘At last! Christmas can finally begin!’ Gwen declares.
But I can hear a sob as it catches in her throat and I feel like the worst ex-daughter-in-law in the world. Here I am thinking only about myself and poor Gwen is facing the first Christmas without her lovely mum. Just thinking about Alice brings a tear to my eye, too, and before I know it we’re sobbing on each other’s shoulders. Peter is hastily trying to work his way around us as we’re part-blocking the doorway.
When I glance over Gwen’s shoulder, Rachel, Nathan’s sister, is standing there watching us. We exchange sad half-smiles and I can sense her own relief now that I’ve arrived. They’re all looking to me to lift everyone’s spirits. Nathan was always prone to mood swings so it inevitably fell to me to keep things jolly.
‘Gwen, let’s move into the sitting room where it’s warmer. This poor girl is probably in need of a fortifying drink. I know I am.’ Peter, bless, is so thoughtful.
Gwen releases me, looking up into my eyes with very real affection. ‘You’re safe and that’s all that matters to me. Lunch is nearly ready. I bet you’re famished.’
As I follow Gwen and Rachel through the small hallway into the cosy sitting room, I want to let out a sigh and fight hard to hold it in. There are too many memories here for me and one that I simply can’t allow myself to dwell upon.
Rachel picks up the TV remote control and starts channel hopping until she finds one playing Christmas carols. The opening chords of ‘O Come All Ye Faithful’ fill the room and she turns down the volume a little so it’s a gentle background noise. But it reminds me of so many Christmases past. Those before, and after my marriage. Feeling maudlin, I have to somehow get my act together and bring some lighthearted joy to the occasion.
‘You’ve redecorated this room, it looks lovely.’
Both Peter and Gwen glance at each other, then look in my direction. Clearly, they are delighted I’ve noticed. The Christmas tree standing in the corner is a bit of an odd shape. Huge at the bottom, in fact it looks like Peter has had to cut it back because it projected too far into the room. At the top it’s rather spindly and for some weird reason it tugs on my heartstrings. The baubles are rather haphazardly placed and yet it’s perfect in its own imperfect, lopsided way.
‘Gorgeous tree this year, Peter,’ I comment, and he shifts from foot to foot, looking pleased.
‘It took a bit of cutting to fit it in, but we got there in the end. Gwen, come and help me organise some drinks. It is Christmas Eve, after all!’
Moments later it’s just Rachel and me. At twenty-five she’s just five years younger than me, and six years younger than Nathan.
‘How has it been?’ I ask in a half-whisper.
‘Awful,’ she grimaces. ‘Nan’s last few days nearly did us all in. It broke Mum’s heart to see her suffering. At one point, Nan cried out and asked us to let her go. There was nothing we could do and it was horrible. Truly horrible.’
Rachel’s eyes begin to fill with tears. I walk over to drape my arms around her shoulders and give her a supportive hug.
‘I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve all been through. I’m so sorry, Rachel. How are you coping?’
I gently release her, and she pulls a tissue from her sleeve to dab at her eyes.
‘Okay, I suppose. I know I need to be here but I’m seeing someone now and… well, it would have been nice to have spent our first Christmas under the same roof. But I was needed at home, of course, as Nathan isn’t coming. I didn’t think it was fair on Mum, Dad, or Dan to invite him over given how tense things are at the moment.’
‘You’re a good daughter, Rachel. Nathan should have been here to help you all through this.’
‘But then you wouldn’t have come and Mum needs you. There are things she won’t share with me, or Dad.’
‘Look, this was always going to be a tough Christmas. Let’s just get through it, hopefully with some smiles. Life goes on no matter what happens and all we can do is try not to let grief blot everything else out. Talking about Alice will help and when Gwen wants to reminisce I’ll be here to listen.’
‘Thank you, Leesa. I feared you’d say no and I’m so glad you made it. Mum’s been worried sick about you,’ she adds, giving me a watery smile. ‘You know, being that time of the year.’
I will admit my tears weren’t solely for Alice just now. When you lose someone at Christmas time it’s hard to push the memories away because they are inextricably linked.
I smile at Rachel, willing myself to be strong. She looks back at me, hanging her head slightly as a hint of guilt flashes over her face and her eyes stray away to avoid mine. Her pale cheeks begin to blaze, and it isn’t from the heat of the open coal fire in the hearth behind us.
‘Mum lit a candle for—’
‘Let’s not dwell on that, now. It’s up to us to make the best we can of this Christmas. But when I leave it will be my final goodbye.’
‘We’ll all miss you, Leesa. It isn’t solely Mum and Dad – you’ve been like a sister to me.’
‘I know; change is hard to handle but next year will be very different for all of us. Come on, let’s plaster on a smile. Alice wouldn’t want us all to be maudlin. She loved Christmas, so we need to make an effort for all our sakes.’
At that precise moment Gwen pushes open the door to the sitting room. She calls over her shoulder at Peter, who follows her through the open door carrying a tray of bottles and glasses. ‘Merry Christmas. Let’s get in the spirit, shall we? Sherry, or Prosecco?’
*
After two glasses of Prosecco my head is buzzing slightly but at least the alcohol has taken the edge off my anxiety. Several times over the last couple of hours I’ve found myself on the verge of opening my mouth and letting it all out. I know that would be very wrong of me. There are occasions when it could be a huge mistake to say out loud the thoughts that run through your head, without due consideration. I came here for a reason. If I let my own sorrow take over then it’s going to be impossible to make a clean break because that will unite us.
‘Is everyone full?’ Gwen asks.
It was a lovely lunch, but in all honesty we were simply eating to please her. Nothing makes her happier than catering for the people she loves, and that includes me.
‘Shall we take a little walk and grab some fresh air?’ I suggest. Judging by the expressions around the table I don’t know who is the most eager to head for the door.
When we leave the house Peter immediately falls in beside me, as we walk double-file across the cul-de-sac and along the path leading to the common. Rachel and Gwen are behind us, deep in conversation.
‘It’s a beautiful day, even if it is a little chilly,’ Peter comments, sounding very relaxed.
He’s really happy I’m here and that makes me feel sad.
‘Yes, beautiful.’
The blue sky is now almost cloudless and as we continue walking, the snow covering the grass beneath our feet is satisfyingly crisp. It’s such a pity that once it’s trampled the beauty of it is lost.
‘It’s been a few years since we’ve had so much snow. It’s a pity you were delayed, you would have arrived before the chaos began.’
I know he’s only making polite conversation because we both know it’s Gwen I’ve come to support.
‘Yes, it was a pity and the landing was horrendous, due to crosswinds. The job over-ran by a couple of days and we were lucky to be able to change the
booking.’
‘You flew back with Jeff?’
‘No. Jeff stayed in Australia to do some sightseeing.’
Isn’t it funny how out of politeness, or maybe fear, we avoid saying the things that are going around and around inside our heads?
‘It’s great to be back in the UK. Christmas at the beach isn’t my thing.’
He nods, taking a moment to look around before answering.
‘Well, we’re very glad you came. I’m grateful, Leesa. You have no idea how much you being here has brightened Gwen up. The last twelve months have turned our lives upside down and nothing will ever be the same again. Our thoughts are with you always, though. How are you doing, beneath that brave face you’re showing the world?’
I glance sideways at him and I can feel the empathy.
‘I’m throwing all of my energy into work. It’s all I can do.’ The look we exchange is tinged with sadness and regret.
Gwen and Rachel have caught up with us now and we continue in silence, walking in a straggly line across the white expanse. There are people with dogs on leads, couples walking and talking, and families with kids jumping about in the snow drifts. For the UK it’s an unusual sight and everyone seems to want to get out and experience this winter wonderland setting.
After a couple of minutes Rachel holds back, saying she’s dropped one of her gloves.
‘You two go on, we’ll catch up when we’ve found it,’ Peter says, sounding very matter-of-fact, as if they aren’t deliberately giving Gwen and me a chance for some time alone.
We walk on, linking arms.
‘Nathan did a terrible thing and we’ll never forgive him for that, Leesa. It’s one thing when a relationship breaks down but another to cheat on your spouse. And hide it from them for such a long time given the situation; it’s unbelievable our son could do that, but he did. It was wrong and there is no excuse whatsoever. I wanted to tell you how sorry we are because we’ve never really had the chance to talk openly, have we? The fact that you care enough to be here for us says everything. The fact that he isn’t, tells you that we are having a hard time coming to terms with it all.’
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