I wonder if Nathan was glad he wasn’t forced to choose between the family who have supported him all these years and my cheating friend, Sheryl? It has probably worked out perfectly for them. But are Gwen and Peter trying to hang on to me because they fear they are going to lose him, too?
‘I’m over what happened and you have to do what’s best for you all, Gwen. I came because I miss Alice and I wanted you to know that. But life goes on and she would be the first one to point that out.’
Just the thought of Alice’s kindly eyes and the soft voice that had a little lilt to it is enough to have me blinking as my eyes tear up.
‘She’s with our little girl, Leesa. And that’s something to hang onto.’
I turn away unwilling to meet her eyes. If that’s what Gwen believes, then it must be a comfort, but no one knows for sure. Swiping away at a solitary tear before it’s noticed makes me steel myself. Today was always going to be a tough one for so many different reasons.
*
Dinner isn’t much better. I try to be as jolly as I can, and Peter asks me about my trip. At least talking about Australia is a safe topic. Gwen’s mood swings from moment to moment and at one point I can see she’s forcing herself to eat to be sociable. She’d expected all six seats around the table to be taken this year, but the empty chairs seem to dominate the room.
Fortunately, shortly after the meal is over the doorbell signals the arrival of two sets of neighbours and their offspring, who have been invited over for Christmas Eve drinks. With an extra seven bodies filling the room almost to capacity, it at least takes the pressure off. My phone pings, and I discreetly look down to see a text from Cary.
How’s it going?
Awkward. You?
I survived the questioning, just. Laurence and Sally had an argument at the dinner table. Cressida is looking decidedly put out.
He doesn’t need rescuing, so I suppose that’s a plus. It’s also a shame it isn’t going well, though. There goes Cressida’s attempt to make it a perfect Christmas for them all.
Another message pops onto the screen.
Boredom is a terrible thing.
I can’t stop myself laughing out loud. I quickly look around to see if anyone has noticed above the din of chatter and background music. Every single person in the room has a smile on their face and it’s heartwarming to see. Maybe Christmas is a time for pushing our worries firmly to one side. It’s a time to literally make merry and that’s infectious. The greatest gift has no price tag at all, because it’s laughter. And Cary just made me laugh.
Time to make an early New Year’s resolution and promise myself one thing. Next Christmas will be different. So, fate be warned – I’m talking about a Christmas miracle, no less. Now, let’s spread some joy and ramp the laughter up a notch.
I sidle up to Rachel and whisper, ‘It’s time to break out the karaoke!’
Her eyes widen and she grins. ‘I’m on it!’
9
’Tis The Season to be Jolly
It’s Christmas morning and as I open one eye a sharp pain ricochets through my skull, making me wince. It wasn’t so much about the wine I imbibed – I want to congratulate myself on being so restrained given the circumstances – but the fact that I didn’t drink any water. Jetlag and dehydration are knocking the stuffing out of me. I slip out of bed to slink down to the kitchen and grab the largest glass I can find.
The house is silent until I approach the kitchen and I stand outside the closed door listening. There it is again, clink. Easing the door open I cautiously pop my head around the side to see Gwen in her PJs in front of the kitchen sink. Streaks of pain keep flashing across my forehead, while a sharp pain stabs at my left eye.
‘Morning, Gwen. Sorry, but I’m in desperate need of some water. Actually, lots of water.’
She turns as I gently shut the door behind me.
‘Aww, Merry Christmas, lovely. Take a seat. I should have checked you were matching the wine, glass for glass, with water. All that singing makes you dry. It was a great evening, though.’
She runs the cold tap for a few seconds before filling a tall glass with water and carrying it across to me. Easing herself into the adjacent seat, she reaches out to squeeze my hand.
‘Merry Christmas, Gwen. I think we made Alice proud last night.’
‘I do too and that was down to you. Drink this and I’ll get you another one. Alice thought the world of you and she was so disappointed in Nathan. Well, that goes without saying for Peter and me, too. You will always be a part of our family, no matter what.’
She wipes a hand across her eyes and I can’t bring myself to look at her tears. I take my time to swallow down half of the glass of water, giving her a chance to compose herself.
This is exactly what I feared would happen. All links between us can be severed… except one. And that will tie us together forever.
‘Having you here means so much, Leesa, more than you can know. I just wish it was different because I know your emotions, like ours, would have been in total turmoil yesterday.’
She bows her head, staring down at the table and my heart constricts inside my chest for her pain; and for the pain I keep trying to push away. Gwen must feel like her little world is falling apart and, somehow, she needs to piece it back together. How can I tell her that it’s unrealistic to think that I can be a part of it still?
I know that neither Gwen nor Peter will be able to turn their backs on Nathan. Eventually they have to forgive him and, like it or not, welcome Sheryl into their family – or risk losing their son. Gwen thinks that’s the main problem facing her now. But that’s only one half of it and she seems to be oblivious to the fact that I can’t continue to be a part of the family.
I drain the glass and stand up to refill it, but she bids me to sit back down. Gwen begins talking as she turns away from me to walk across to the sink unit.
‘You see, Leesa, when you have children and they grow up the hurts become bigger. It’s easy to mop up the tears from a scraped knee but impossible to mend the damage done when a loved one makes a mistake that seriously affects someone else’s life. It’s tough to be a bystander watching things go from bad to worse. Even if you can forgive them, nothing will ever be the same again, will it?’
Oh dear. The water has eased the pain in my head a little but now I have a pain in my heart. The pain of knowing that I must begin to unravel the relationship between Gwen and me. It fills me with an uncomfortably cold chill, as she’s still in denial about so many things.
‘We were happy in the beginning, Gwen. But we started to grow apart quite quickly and that’s why Nathan strayed. You know that I’ve always said it takes two to break up a marriage. Yes, it hurt to cut off a friend I’d known since school but, in my heart, I knew that my love for Nathan had dissipated. We’d slipped into a strange sort of friendship up to that point and from there on even that was ripped apart. Now, none of that bothers me because I’ve moved on. It stopped hurting a while ago and that’s the truth.’
A light begins to shine in her eyes.
‘But that’s a good sign, isn’t it? We don’t need to lose touch, do we – after all we’ve been through?’
As she sits back it’s clear she’s trying to convince herself there’s another solution; anything other than accept the inevitable truth of the situation.
‘I’m seeing someone else and it wouldn’t be fair on him.’
Her face falls and that happy glow extinguishes as quickly as if a light switch has been flicked off. Instinctively her hands fly up to cup her cheeks and she lets out a little sigh of breath from between her fingers.
‘That’s what moving on means, Gwen,’ I add, gently. ‘Nathan has moved on and if he’s happy now, then that’s a positive thing. You have to be with the right someone, not just anyone. What he has to learn is that only he is accountable for his actions.’
Gwen stares back at me looking completely stunned as my words slowly sink in, resurrecting her worst fears. I wi
sh I could take back those words, but it’s too late now. Better to say them sooner rather than later. There’s no point in raising false hopes, as it only serves to prolong the pain.
Her head flops forward and she looks down into her lap. ‘You’re right and it’s my fault. I’m always there to sort out his problems for him and now he needs to stand on his own two feet. I can’t fix everything that goes wrong in his life and I also can’t condone some of the things he’s done. But how do I tell him that without alienating him?’
I take a hefty slug from the glass in front of me, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.
‘You’ll know when he’s ready to hear the truth because he’ll seek you out. He has nowhere else to turn now that Alice is gone. It will have hit him hard, too. I wanted to be here for you for one last Christmas, but I can see now that it would have been kinder to make a clean break. The least I can do is to handle this in the best way I can. But it’s down to me, not you.’
She begins to sob as the reality hits home. ‘I’m not sure I can cope with the thought of losing someone who is like a daughter to me on top of everything else. Love isn’t something you can switch off, Leesa.’
I pull my chair closer to her and place an arm around her shoulders, resting my head against hers.
‘I know, Gwen. You and Peter took me into your hearts and became my second set of parents. It hurts us all. But Nathan will need to know that this is the place he can come when things aren’t going right. And that’s why when I leave I can’t ever come back. The reality of divorce is that it impacts the whole family. He’s starting over afresh. At some point you will welcome Sheryl into the place you made for me, because that’s the future and I’m the past.’
We remain sitting at the table and talk about Alice for a while. Gwen shares some memories from her early childhood and it helps, I think. Somehow, we will get through Christmas day as lightheartedly as we can – what choice do we have? It will require a real effort, but there are Peter and Rachel to consider.
As I’m leaving the kitchen to go back up to my room, Gwen calls out. ‘Leesa, no one will ever replace you; you do know that?’
I nod and pull the door shut behind me, then head for the ensuite.
Even under the shower I can hear my phone pinging; clearly everyone is sending out Christmas Day greetings. Ping. Ping. Ping. It’s relentless. I wish I could close my eyes and when I opened them again it would be the second of January and I’d be back at work.
Wrapping a towel around me I collapse onto the bed and start flicking through the messages. Naturally, I respond to Mum and Dad’s, hoping they’re having fun in the sun and to Beth, who sounds like she might just be missing my company. Getting to know the future in-laws by staying with them for the first time is quite a daunting experience and you never quite know for sure how it will go. I lucked out with Peter and Gwen, we hit it off from the start and it grew from there. You can’t choose who touches your heart, it just happens.
Sighing, I trawl through another raft of seasonal greetings, sending a smiley Santa emoticon and a kiss to each one. Friends and colleagues alike – what the heck! There’s no message from Jeff, just a photo of Bondi beach in blazing sunshine.
Cary has sent a string of emoticons. As I look at each one it’s like a little story and a smile begins to grow on my face. It begins with a Christmas tree, then a face with rolling eyes, then a zipper–mouthed face and finally ends with a Christmas tree lying on its side. My thumbs get clicking.
I’d say ‘Merry Christmas’ but any man who kills a fully-loaded Christmas tree is clearly not having fun!
He sends back a green zombie man. I reply with a woman face-palming. Wish there was one with a woman face-planting.
I’ve been up since four this morning. Try telling kids to go back to bed when Santa has already left a stocking on their beds!
Despite the way I’m feeling I can’t help chuckling.
I’d swap. The deed is done and there isn’t one warm, fuzzy, Christmassy vibe in my entire body.
He sends back a fist pump. I shake my head. No one wins in a situation like this and I’m sure Cary is well aware of that. Besides, I still have to survive until the morning, when Peter is going to drive me back to my cosy little house in Nailsworth, in the Cotswolds.
Having told Gwen I’m seeing someone, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. The healing can begin for her because it has to – she can’t continue to cling onto the past and what might have been. As for me, well, I don’t know what the future will hold because there are things for which I can never forgive myself. How can I ever share that with a new person coming into my life?
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.
Keep your phone to hand – I might need rescuing after all!
Cary’s response doesn’t surprise me at all. Cressida will, I’m sure, be wracking her brains for a reason to get us together under her roof again, as soon as possible. But I have to say that Cary’s problems seem minor compared to what I’m facing here. If he knew, he’d be horrified, so all I can do is keep this light and cheerful.
I’ll take any denomination in notes.
It’s time to get dressed and head downstairs. Everyone will be gathering in the kitchen, which in this house is the hub of the home. While Gwen does the cooking, she’s pretty good at organising people to help out. A sudden thought flashes through my head. I hope the box of presents I sent through before the trip to Australia arrived safely and are among those lying beneath the tree.
Staring back at myself in the mirror I almost don’t recognise this worried-looking young woman wearing an ugly frown. Even when I try to relax my forehead it won’t take it away completely. I’m supposed to be carefree and single, having the time of my life, and yet nothing could be further from the truth. What makes me feel worse is that Mum and Dad never go away for Christmas. They did it, I’m sure, because they knew I felt obligated to accept Gwen’s offer. It was their way of resolving any potential dilemma for me. Now that’s love. I needed to be here, in this house, for one last goodbye.
My parents have been enormously supportive of me, but I never really shared my feelings when I knew I was falling out of love with Nathan – equally as easily as I’d fallen in love with him.
Maybe he wasn’t the only one who needed to do a bit of growing up. I wonder why I ever thought we were right for each other and that comes as a bit of a shock. It’s strange how I chose to ignore some things that were clearly out of order. He could be a bit of a bully at times and there were a few occasions when I felt a little intimidated. It’s easy now to say that but at the time I didn’t know how to handle it. I suppose that’s the whole point about life experience. With age comes wisdom and I don’t intend putting up with that sort of behaviour ever again.
*
Pushing open the kitchen door, Rachel and Peter are already sitting at the table, which Gwen has laid out with her best silverware and china.
‘I’m sorry I’m a bit late. I had a stack of Christmas messages to reply to and I feel bad I wasn’t here to help. I’ll give a hand preparing the veggies after breakfast, promise.’ My voice sounds bright and breezy and Gwen replies in a similar vein.
‘Just sit yourself down. Peter, you’ve forgotten to pour out the Christmas morning toast!’
I take the seat next to Rachel, stooping to give her a brief hug.
Peter pops the champagne cork and begins to make up the Buck’s Fizz. A little orange juice mixed with a liberal amount of fizz might put some life back into us all. My parents favour a good old-fashioned Bloody Mary but Peter is delighted when I take my first sip and pronounce it a winner.
In the centre of the table is a festive platter with a pile of hot buttered toast and a hot tray bearing a dish of fluffy scrambled eggs.
‘Who wants eggs benedict?’ Gwen calls across. ‘And Peter, can you take the marmalade and strawberry jam over to the table, please?’
Gwen organises everything like an experienced chef. She w
ould love nothing more than to be catering for a growing family, rather than a dwindling one. I can only hope that by next year the old wounds will have healed and they can all make a fresh start. You have to look forward with optimism because it’s too depressing to think otherwise.
I am starting to relax a little though, as my rumbling stomach responds to the aromas wafting around the kitchen. We begin by raising our glasses and Gwen nods at Peter, to perform the toast.
‘Merry Christmas everyone and thank you, Gwen, for being our rock. Here’s to good health and happiness for all in the coming year.’
For one moment I thought he was going to mention Alice and I’m relieved he didn’t. It was the perfect toast and as we raise our glasses, I think of the last time I saw her, sitting at this table drinking a cup of tea.
‘I’ll second that!’ I add, wanting Peter and Gwen to know that even though this is a painful time, I appreciate the heartfelt reasons behind them wanting to include me in their celebrations.
For today at least, I continue to be a part of their family. But after tomorrow there will be another vacant seat around the table until they make their peace with Nathan. Once that happens, now that Rachel has a boyfriend and with Gwen and Peter going strong still after thirty-plus years, there are blessings to be counted. This is real life reflected around this table, I tell myself. It’s not that I’ve given up on love, but I think love has given up on me.
10
The Calm Before the Storm
Things are going much better than I could possibly have hoped. A quick smear of lipstick and I’m ready to tackle those Christmas veggies. As I close the bedroom door behind me and step out onto the landing, I hear a click. Looking down over the banister rail the front door opens and to my horror, Nathan is staring up at me.
Magic Under the Mistletoe Page 10