Privilege

by Mary Adkins

  What did he mean? Because Stayja wasn’t rich, she couldn’t tell when food had gone rotten? She must not know what fucking tuna salad was supposed to fucking smell like?

  She dropped the plate into the trash, then returned to the register to issue the girl a refund.

  STAYJA HAD NEVER been inside a Carter dormitory or any college dorm, for that matter. In her imagination, wide, carpeted hallways were adorned with ornamented mahogany furniture, like the campus libraries and art museum. But as Tyler swiped his card and led them into the building, she was surprised to enter a sterile, tiled hallway lit by fluorescent bulbs.

  The first person they encountered as they made their way down the hall was a guy Stayja didn’t recognize, though he looked like every other white frat guy on campus. He gave Tyler a silent nod. The next, Stayja did recognize from the Rooster. Luke? Loren? As he passed, he whispered, playfully, “Shaggy, is this a good idea?”

  Tyler waved him off, and though she couldn’t see his face, she could tell he was smiling. Assuming that “this” had meant her, she made a note to spit in Luke/Loren’s coffee next time (which she’d never actually done to anyone, to Nicole’s disappointment).

  They finally reached his door, which he held open for her.

  “Why do they call you Shaggy?” she asked, surveying the room. He was clean. Things were in their place, neat—his textbooks lined vertically on his desk, his bag hanging on a single hook on his closet door. His bed was made, and a green hoodie hung on the back of his desk chair. On the windowsill were three glass candles whose wicks had clearly been lit in the past.

  “Because they’re jealous of my hair,” he said, tossing his keys on the coffee table, taking a seat at his desk, and bending over to untie his shoes. “Make yourself at home,” he said. “I’m just gonna change.”

  After he took off his shoes, he disappeared into a walk-in closet as Stayja took a seat on his brown leather couch. It sloped toward the back, the cushions giving way easily under her weight, and she sank into it, her thighs settling at a forty-five-degree angle. He reemerged in shorts and a T-shirt, shutting the closet door behind him to reveal a painting of the American flag on the wall next to it.

  “I like that flag. Where’d you get it?” she asked when he reappeared.

  “I painted it,” he said, falling onto the couch beside her. When she didn’t respond—she was remembering the part of the incident where Eric Gourdazi had shaken his head and was wondering why—he asked, “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

  And so she told him the story of the girl with the tuna and the comment about Stayja’s not knowing how to recognize rotten food.

  He listened, his eyes narrowing, and when she was finished, he squeezed her knee.

  “Fuck them. You’re going to be a great doctor,” he said and winked. Then he surprised her—he put his head down in her lap. She set a hand on his coarse, wild hair and stroked it softly. He closed his eyes.

  “What’s your biggest regret?” he asked, his eyes still shut.

  She considered it.

  “I kind of wish I’d applied to a real college and taken out loans now. Or maybe I’d have gotten financial aid. Who knows?”

  “You still could,” he said.

  “And you? What’s yours?” she asked.

  He didn’t answer but instead asked, “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?”

  “I broke my cousin’s bong on purpose,” she said. “I smashed it onto the tile floor.”

  “That’s it? Something you did out of concern for your cousin?”

  “I didn’t do it out of concern,” Stayja said, her gaze still fastened to the flag. “I did it because she liked it, and I was pissed at her.”

  He opened one eye just long enough to cast her a mischievous look.

  “And you?” she said. “The worst thing?”

  He didn’t answer for a long moment. When he did, he sat up and began to pull off his shirt.

  “A lot worse than breaking a bong,” he said from behind the blue fabric. “Come here, Miss Stayja.” He tossed his shirt aside, leaning forward to cup her chin in his hand. When he slid his hand under her bra strap, she could think nothing but yes, yes, yes.

  Case File: Case #234—Annie C. Stoddard v. Tyler J. Brand

  PART IA—COMPLAINANT TESTIMONY

  Name: Annie Stoddard

  Class Year: Second-year

  Policy Allegedly Violated: Sexual Assault

  Date: 9/2/17, 9/9/17 Time: 11:30 p.m., 9:30 p.m., respectively

  Location: PiKa fraternity house

  Incident Description (add additional sheets if needed):

  The first night I was drunk and sleeping on his couch. I woke up with his penis in my mouth. I didn’t push him off me at first because I didn’t understand what was happening. By the time I figured it out, I sort of pulled back, but he pushed me back and held my head in place.

  The next day, he convinced me that I had been confused and that it had been consensual.

  The second rape happened a week later. There was no alcohol involved. We were watching a movie in his room. We made out, and I consented to my shirt coming off, but after that I was clear that I was not consenting to intercourse. However, that is what happened.

  When I left his room, I went to the hospital to report it and have a rape kit done. I ended up not staying to have the test done, though, because it was overwhelming.

  I reported it the next day to the dean.

  PART IB—RESPONDENT TESTIMONY

  Name: Tyler Brand

  Class Year: Fourth-year

  Policy Allegedly Violated: Sexual Assault

  Date: 9/2/17, 9/9/17 Time: 11:30 p.m., 9:30 p.m., respectively

  Location: PiKa fraternity house

  Incident Description (add additional sheets if needed):

  Annie Stoddard was present in my room on the night of September 2 along with multiple other parties. Everyone was drinking heavily, including her and me. Several hours into the night, we hooked up.

  The next morning we discussed the night before and agreed that we were both very drunk and couldn’t remember the details. We made out again that morning, so I thought everything was fine and we were cool.

  The next weekend we went for pizza and to an improv show. Afterward she came back to my room, where we watched a movie and had sex. At no point did she tell me she wanted to stop, so I was completely under the impression that our actions were consensual. I am honestly shocked and appalled to hear otherwise.

  This has been devastating for me. I am a good person. I never meant to hurt anyone. I would never rape anyone.

  Investigator’s Report

  To: Dean Sharon Arroyo, Dean of Student Conduct

  CC: Annie Stoddard, Complainant; Tyler Brand, Respondent; Carla Bitman, Assistant Dean of Student Conduct

  From: Lila Wutke, Esq., External Investigator

  Re: Investigation into alleged sexual misconduct

  Date: Friday, September 22, 2017

  A. INVESTIGATION PROCEDURE

  Between September 15 and September 18, the investigator interviewed the following parties at the Carter Boathouse hotel:

  Annie Stoddard, Complainant

  Tyler Brand, Respondent

  Joelle Pasha, Witness for the Complainant

  Matty Tuttle, Witness for the Complainant

  Ellen Harris, Witness for the Respondent

  All witnesses agreed in writing to audio recording of their interviews with the understanding that the interviews would be used in connection with this investigation.

  B. INTERVIEW SUMMARIES

  I. Interview of Annie Stoddard, Complainant

  The investigator found no material discrepancies between the complainant’s version of events as described in her complaint and those presented in the interview. The investigator used the interview to clarify the precise nature of two particular aspects of the complaint that the complaint leaves unclear:

  How the complainant communicated her lack of cons
ent to the respondent, and

  Why the complainant left the hospital prior to the rape kit being performed.

  In regard to the former question, Ms. Stoddard stated the following:

  INVESTIGATOR: How did you know he knew you didn’t want to have sex?

  MS. STODDARD: I was making it really obvious with my body.

  INVESTIGATOR: What do you mean?

  MS. STODDARD: It’s not hard to tell if someone doesn’t want to have sex with you. Just like it isn’t hard to tell if someone doesn’t want to kiss you or touch you or talk to you.

  INVESTIGATOR: Physically and verbally, please describe for me exactly what you did to communicate this. Both times.

  MS. STODDARD: Well, on the first night, I gagged and pulled back, but his hands were there, so I just, um, kept going. And on the second night, I was just, like, squirming and trying to get out from under him. But he was on top of me, and I was, like, I’m not sure this is a good idea.

  INVESTIGATOR: You said you weren’t sure it was a good idea?

  MS. STODDARD: Yeah. It was, like, my way of saying no but not saying the word “stop.”

  INVESTIGATOR: Why didn’t you actually want to say the word “stop”?

  MS. STODDARD: I don’t know. I didn’t. I couldn’t say it. I didn’t . . . I think maybe I didn’t want to be raped. And I thought maybe if I didn’t actually tell him to stop, I could make it not be a rape, you know? Like, I could pretend to both of us that wasn’t what was happening. My friend and I were talking a little bit about this today. . . . We were talking about how, like, if you don’t say the actual words, you can try to convince yourself that maybe it isn’t what you think it is. But also if you don’t say the actual words, you’re going to make it harder to prove later that it was what you knew it was. And maybe you need to be able to do that to get, you know, peace. Like I am now. So it’s, like, you’re lying there, and you have to make a guess of what your future self is going to feel like. But you have no idea what you’re going to feel like. And you don’t have any time to think about it because it’s happening right then. . . . It’s just so awful and confusing. So I was . . . I think I was sort of pulled in different directions and ended up kind of, like, going with this middle ground where I didn’t say no but I did struggle? I mean I didn’t decide, like, “I’m going to struggle.” I just did because, I mean, I didn’t want to be doing that.

  INVESTIGATOR: That meaning . . .

  MS. STODDARD: Sex.

  INVESTIGATOR: When did you decide it was rape?

  MS. STODDARD: I knew it as it was happening.

  INVESTIGATOR: Do you think there is any possibility that he thought you were consenting?

  MS. STODDARD: Absolutely not. Like I said, my body language was very clear.

  In regard to the second question—why she didn’t get the rape kit—the complainant stated the following:

  INVESTIGATOR: Tell me about what you did after. You left his dorm room and then what?

  MS. STODDARD: First I went to student health. There was a nurse there, the weekend nurse, this older lady who gave me a pack of cheese crackers and a bottle of water and asked me if she could call an ambulance for me, which I turned down because I didn’t need an ambulance, I mean, I just . . . it was weird. She gave me Advil.

  INVESTIGATOR: What do you mean it was weird?

  MS. STODDARD: Like, I think it was more serious than cheese crackers and less serious than an ambulance. But those were the two things she offered.

  INVESTIGATOR: How’d you get to the ER?

  MS. STODDARD: Walked.

  INVESTIGATOR: How far is that?

  MS. STODDARD: A couple of miles. I don’t know. It took a long time. Maybe forty-five minutes.

  INVESTIGATOR: Then what happened?

  MS. STODDARD: I got to the hospital around 1 a.m. and was given a form to fill out, on a clipboard. I wrote that the reason for my visit was rape. I only waited a few minutes. The nurse—you are interviewing her, right? As a witness?

  INVESTIGATOR: I am, yes.

  MS. STODDARD: She took my blood pressure and had me tell her what happened. She told me she . . . she commended, I think that was the word she used, me. For seeking medical help, um, right away. Then she asked if I thought I was in immediate danger or if a dangerous person needed to be arrested. I said no. She said in that case, it was okay if I wanted to wait and call the police after the medical exam. I didn’t want . . . I told her I didn’t want to involve the police. She told me she was obligated to inform them and then asked if I was over eighteen. I said I was, and she said, Okay, well we don’t have to use your name, then, if you prefer to remain anonymous. And I did. I don’t know why.

  Then she told me that a complete medical and forensic exam would take two to three hours. First, I would need to take off my clothes and put on a hospital gown. She left to get me one.

  While I waited, I just sort of started to wonder, like, why I was there. To prove that I’d been raped, I guess? But also it hadn’t been that kind of rape. Like, I doubted there would be physical evidence of a struggle. So I just started to doubt if there was any point. And I was so tired by that point.

  So then she came back with a hospital gown and this big green bin and a clear plastic bag. She told me to put my clothes in the bag and put on the gown. And then when it was time to go home, I could pick out other clothes from the bin to wear home. She said they were all clean, donated items. She said I’d eventually get my clothes back but they had to keep them now for evidence.

  So I changed into the gown and put my clothes in the bag. She came in and took the bag and gave me a cup for a urine sample. She left again, and I was sitting there with this cup to pee in, and I was, like, just feeling like a specimen. It was too much. I left.

  INVESTIGATOR: In the gown?

  MS. STODDARD: No. I got a random sweatshirt and leggings from the bin.

  INVESTIGATOR: Then where’d you go? Home?

  MS. STODDARD: I was trying to get home, but I sort of collapsed in the quad on a bench before I made it. I was just really tired and overwhelmed. So I texted my friend Matty—you’re interviewing him too, right?

  INVESTIGATOR: Yes.

  MS. STODDARD: I texted him, and he came and got me. We went back to his room. I stayed there on his futon. I mean at that point it was after 2. And, then, you know what happened next. The next day I went to the dean to report it.

  II. Interview of Tyler Brand, Respondent

  The investigator found no material discrepancies between the respondent’s version of events as described in his written testimony and those presented in the interview. The investigator used the interview to clarify the respondent’s understanding of the complainant’s state of mind and the evidence on which he based his view that she was consenting to sex. The respondent stated the following:

  INVESTIGATOR: Ms. Stoddard has said that her body language made it very clear that she wasn’t consenting to intercourse with you. How do you respond to that?

  MR. BRAND: I do not agree.

  INVESTIGATOR: Can you elaborate? What do you remember?

  MR. BRAND: I don’t remember specifics because to be honest I was pretty drunk both times. I was pretty hammered. And she was, too, the first time. I’m not saying that as an excuse. But it’s just why I can’t give you really specific information. And, honestly, I think it’s probably why this kind of thing happens sometimes, because neither person is making great decisions.

  I’m not saying my bad decision was rape. I would never do that, no matter how drunk I was.

  I just think . . . I don’t know, I can see how people can get confused. Not that I was confused. She didn’t tell me no or to stop or whatever, and even if she wasn’t that into it, I mean, am I supposed to read her mind? Like, what does she mean she made it clear with body language? Not to be too graphic but people do all kinds of stuff during sex. . . . Sometimes people like doing weird stuff. You can’t just assume someone, like, moving their body in a certain way means they
want to stop.

  INVESTIGATOR: Do you remember her pulling away?

  MR. BRAND: I do not.

  INVESTIGATOR: Squirming, trying to get out from under you? She said you held her down.

  MR. BRAND: I don’t remember doing that, no. But, like I said . . . squirming? Sex is a physical act. There’s going to be some squirming. [Laughs]

  INVESTIGATOR: Okay. Anything else you want to add before we move on?

  MR. BRAND: I just want to say that I would definitely know if there were any possibility that I had raped her. That seems really obvious to say. But I feel like I should say it.

  Also, I don’t know if you want to know my theory of what’s going on. But if I can just share it. Annie is very self-conscious of these scars she has on her legs. She just had cosmetic surgery last summer, and now she’s more comfortable in her skin and, like, wearing different clothes, really short skirts . . . going out . . . drinking. She was supposed to have a roommate, but that girl transferred last minute. Now she has a single. I know they were good friends. She doesn’t really have many friends here now, honestly, that I know of. And I thought it was weird that the roommate just left suddenly.

  Anyway, point is her lifestyle dramatically changed this semester. And I wondered if this behavior—the instability, the alcohol, the accusing me of rape because she, like, regrets it and is ashamed . . . it all sort of falls in line if you think about it. I mean, you don’t understand how drunk she got at my place. It wasn’t normal drunk. She was out of control.

  And, like, why did she go out with me again if I’d raped her? It doesn’t add up.

  One other thing I know is that she is on a bassoon scholarship but is kind of tired of bassoon. She told me that. And that she couldn’t afford to go here except for her scholarship. And so part of me wondered—is she trying to, like, set herself up to, you know, sue my family or something? I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but is it actually? It’s pretty well known at the university that my parents are big donors. She definitely knew.