Beautifully Broken Control

by Catherine Cowles

  We worked mostly in silence for the first hour, moving in the coordinated pattern we’d perfected over the past few months. Then Jensen eased on the music—low at first, then louder. By the time customers arrived, we’d be energized and ready to go.

  A timer dinged, and J moved to one of the ovens, removing perfectly golden-brown scones. She glanced over her shoulder at me. “Want one?”

  I grinned. “Like you even have to ask.” The perks of working at a tea shop with a bakery meant my choice of treats whenever I wanted.

  J quickly but methodically moved the scones to a cooling rack. “Give them a minute or two to cool.”

  I measured out flour for our next batch. “You know that’s torture. I’ve been smelling them for half an hour.”

  Jensen laughed. “You’re going to burn your tongue again.”

  I grimaced. Patience had never been my virtue. And I had burned myself on more than one baked good in this kitchen. “Fine.”

  There was a knock on the glass of the front door. Both Jensen and I peeked our heads out of the kitchen. The smile that overtook Jensen’s face was sheer joy. She crossed to the front, unlocking the door and pulling it open. “What are you guys doing here?”

  Noah bounded into the shop. “Hi, Mom!” Then he ran for the kitchen. He grinned at me and then eyed the scones. “They ready to eat yet?”

  “Hey, bud.” I gave his hair a ruffle. “Give them just another minute or two.”

  Tuck pulled Jensen into his arms. “We wanted to see if you would feed us before we headed off for our days.” He gave her a wicked grin. “We’re growing boys, you know.” Jensen let out a soft laugh. “And I needed a little more of this.” His mouth took hers in a slow kiss that should’ve scorched the paint off the walls.

  I averted my eyes. I loved that my friend had this, that she’d built a family after enduring so much. Noah had a father figure now, and Jensen had someone who would do anything to make sure the life she lived was the most beautiful one she could imagine.

  A flutter of jealousy flitted through my chest, lighting a faint burn along my sternum. I rubbed at the spot. Maybe, one day. One day, I could find that, too. Build my own family.

  Since the one I’d been born into would rather I hadn’t been born at all.

  2

  Cain

  My gaze went unfocused as the coffin lowered into the ground. I thought that the finality of the moment might stir something within me. Sympathy. Sadness. Anything that wasn’t a distant numbness. If I searched hard enough, I knew I’d find the rage. It had turned to a low, simmering fury over the years, but it would never be gone entirely.

  “I’m sorry her life was such a hard one.”

  I blinked rapidly, the priest coming into focus in front of me, the only person present other than the men lowering the woman who had given birth to me into the ground. My jaw tightened, making a faint clicking sound in my ear. “The harshness was of her own making.”

  The priest gave me a sad smile, one that had me resisting the urge to clench my fists. He’d been prying since the moment I’d called to arrange a burial. Wanting to know details of my mother’s life, tidbits he could share at the service. He’d been in for a shock. I was the only one in attendance, and there were no sweet stories to share. The woman had drunk and drugged herself into an early grave, only after she’d ruined the lives of those who wanted nothing more than her love.

  I extended a hand. “Thank you for performing the service.”

  The priest’s grip, like the rest of his demeanor, was full of sympathy. “If you need to talk, my son, you know where I’ll be. My door is always open.”

  “I’m not your son.” I ripped my hand from his grasp and had a sudden urge to deck the old man. God, I needed to get a grip. The memories were battering at the door to my brain, and I wasn’t sure how long I could hold them off. I gave my head a little shake. “I’m sorry, Father.”

  I didn’t wait for an answer, simply turned on my heel and strode towards my car. The skies gave an ominous rumble that was so very fitting. The city spread out before me as I crossed the hillside graveyard. I hadn’t even known she was in Portland. The social worker from the hospital had informed me that she’d been here for years before being admitted months ago for liver failure. She wasn’t a candidate for a transplant.

  She’d known she was dying and hadn’t called. I guessed I could be grateful for that small mercy. She didn’t force me to refuse to see a dying woman. Because that’s precisely what I would’ve done.

  And while I hadn’t seen her once in this city that I’d claimed as my own, I now saw her everywhere. At the café where I picked up my coffee each morning. On the treadmill down the row from me at the gym. Hell, I’d sworn I saw her walking into a conference room at my office the other day.

  I beeped the locks to my Aston Martin and pulled open the door. I slid inside just as the first few drops of rain began to fall. I let my head slump against the headrest, my fingers squeezing the bridge of my nose where I could feel pressure building.

  Images flashed in my mind. Dark brown hair gleaming in the sunlight. A laugh carried across the breeze. Cain, come on! Hurry! Kiara let out another giggle. I want to go swimming before it gets dark. I shook my head, trying to clear the image, but it was too late. My chest tightened as my fingers started to go numb. No. I refused to go back there.

  My phone buzzed in my suit pocket. The pressure in my chest crept higher but lessened a fraction as I saw the screen. I hit the button to accept. “Walker.” My voice sounded hoarse even to my own ears, and I cleared my throat.

  “Hey, Cain. How the hell are you?”

  The sound of a friend’s voice, one who was more like a brother, eased something in me just a bit. I stared out at the headstones gone blurry with rain, unsure what the hell to say. I cleared my throat again. “I’m fine.” I flexed and clenched my hands, trying to get some feeling back in my fingers.

  “Cain—”

  Walker could hear something in my tone, knew that my answer was total bullshit. I hurried on. “How are you? Taylor?”

  He paused for just a moment before speaking. “We’re good.” I could hear the smile in Walker’s voice, as though it were utterly impossible for him not to have a cheesy grin plastered on his face when he spoke of his fiancée. “I’m actually calling to see if you can make it to our engagement party.”

  “At the ranch?”

  “Yup. Taylor wants something simple and outdoors.”

  He’d know I was a wreck the second he saw me. So would Tuck. That’s what happened when your friends knew your darkest demons. But maybe that wasn’t a bad thing. They’d helped me fight off the darkness before. And it wasn’t nearly as bad this time, but I couldn’t allow it to get its hooks in. Gears turned in my brain, an idea that was only slightly insane coming to light. “I can make that happen.”

  Walker chuckled. “I haven’t even told you when it is. Hell, we haven’t even set an exact date yet. That’s why I’m calling, we want to make sure the most important people in our lives can be there.”

  My chest tightened at his words. I picked up a coin from the cupholder, flipping it over and over in my fingers, relishing the feeling that had finally returned to them. “What would you think about me buying a place in Sutter Lake? Someplace I could use as a vacation home. Somewhere to get away.”

  There was silence on Walker’s end of the line for a few seconds. “I’d be thrilled, but you’ve always sworn that the city was the only place you’d ever call home.”

  It was true. After the childhood I’d spent in rural Oregon, I’d wanted to build a life that was the polar opposite. That meant cities and high-rises, not small towns and wide-open spaces. But now, I was desperate. I needed an escape. A place where I could be around people I trusted, who knew my demons. And that list was short. So short, it only included two names: Walker Cole and Tucker Harris. They’d been with me through my darkest days, and I trusted them both with my life.

  “I need a
getaway. Some distance from Portland.” My city was tainted now. My mother had infected it like everything else. I cleared my throat, trying to keep my tone light. “Why not Sutter Lake?”

  Walker’s voice grew serious. “What’s going on?”

  Of course, Walker saw through it all. I watched the rain track in rivulets down my windshield. “I just buried Karen.”

  “Where are you? I’ll grab Tuck, and we’ll start driving. Be to you as soon as we can.”

  Walk knew better than anyone all the toxic crap this event was bound to bring up. “That’s not necessary.” There was silence on the other end of the line again. “You’ve got my word. I’m fine. Just let me wrap things up here, and then I’ll head to Sutter Lake.”

  “When are you coming?”

  I thought through everything I needed to do before I could leave. “Tomorrow.”

  Walker let out a chuckle, but it sounded forced. “I should’ve known you wouldn’t mess around. What can I do to help?”

  “I’ll need a realtor, someone who can handle a higher-end sale.”

  The sound of Walker tapping on his keyboard came across the line. “There’s only one company in town that handles that kind of business. I’m emailing you their info now.”

  I put him on speaker and pulled up my inbox. “Got it.”

  “You know my mom is going to want you at dinner as soon as you arrive.”

  The corners of my mouth turned up for the first time since I’d gotten the call from the hospital a week ago. The Cole family was everything I didn’t have growing up. Warm, welcoming, full of life, and willing to include anyone in their mishmash brood. “How about the day after tomorrow?”

  “I can probably hold her off till then.”

  I chuckled. “Looking forward to it.”

  “Me, too. It’s been too long, Cain.”

  It had been. I’d let far too many months go by without seeing my brothers. “It has. But now I’ll be around so much, you’ll get sick of me.”

  Walker’s tone remained serious. “Travel safe.”

  “Will do.” I checked my watch. “I’ve got to run, Walk. I’ll see you soon.”

  “Soon, brother.”

  The elevator doors opened, and my mask slid into place. I strode in the direction of my office, giving simple nods of acknowledgment to any employees who greeted me. I had even less time for niceties than normal.

  My assistant rose as I approached our wing, a smile on her face. “Welcome back. I sent your messages to your device, ranked in order of importance.”

  “Thank you, Rachel. Will you grab Jake and meet me in my office?”

  She gave a quick nod. “Of course.” Concern flitted across Rachel’s features, but she said nothing more, simply turned in the direction of Jake’s office.

  I pushed open the double doors to my suite and headed for my safe, holding my forefinger to a fingerprint reader and then punching in an eight-digit code. I removed my personal laptop and the handful of files that rested there.

  My gaze caught on a photo, worn with age. She’d been young, but so vibrant, beautiful, full of promise until all of the possibilities that lay in front of her were cut down. I shook my head as though the action could clear away the memories. The pain. But nothing ever would.

  I crossed back to my desk, placing all the items in my bag, careful to slip the photo between two other files. Protected. Even though I hadn’t been able to do that in life. A knock sounded. “Come in.” I eased into my desk chair.

  My second in command strode through the doors, followed closely by Rachel. Jake lowered himself into one of the chairs opposite me while Rachel remained standing. “So, what’s up? You finally going to tell us why you’ve been such a moody bastard for the past week?” Jake asked as he rolled up one of the cuffs of his shirt.

  I swallowed back the urge to put Jake in his place. Sometimes, he forgot that this was my company, and he worked for me. I understood why. Jake and Rachel had been with me since the days the company only had five employees, and we were renting space in a warehouse. But, sometimes, it pissed me the hell off. “I’m going to be working remotely for a while.”

  Jake’s movements stilled. “Why? We’ve got at least five projects that are in critical phases right now. Not to mention prospective client meetings. And what about the program prototype? Aren’t you supposed to be close to finishing?”

  “There’s nothing on those projects that I can’t do from another location, and you’re the schmoozer, not me. Those prospective client meetings will probably go a lot smoother without me in attendance.” It was true. Jake had always handled the interpersonal part of the business, the small talk. I’d taken care of the tech, the strategy. It worked well that way.

  Rachel cleared her throat. “Would you like me to come with you? So you have someone to manage wherever you set up your mobile office.”

  The thought of Rachel hovering had my jaw clenching, but I forced a smile. “The last thing you want is to hang out with a moody bugger like me.” She opened her mouth to argue, and I hurried on. “Plus, I need you to be my point person here.”

  Rachel nodded slowly. “Okay, but let me know if you change your mind.”

  “I will.”

  Jake studied me. “Where are you going?”

  I flipped the coin over and over in my pocket. I had no excuse for not telling them. “Sutter Lake.”

  Jake blinked. “That tiny town in the middle of nowhere?”

  “That’s the one.”

  Jake’s eyes narrowed. “Why?”

  I leaned forward, just a bit. I owed him no explanations. He might’ve been with me from the beginning, but this was my company. My life. But I’d called on him to cover more than a couple of meetings this week, and he didn’t deserve to have his head bitten off on top of the extra work I’d dumped on his plate. “I’m ready for a change of scenery. And I think it’s time for a little vacation.”

  Jake ran a hand through his hair. “What’s really going on, Cain? I can let you off the hook for the client meetings and project management, but the prototype? That’s the future of our company.”

  A muscle in my cheek ticked. “This is my company, Jake. I know how important the prototype is, but I think you’re forgetting who’s steering this ship.” The program was one that would cement our company as the leader in security systems for the next decade. I had a firm hold on the concept, but the execution had been evading me. The last thing I needed was Jake bearing down on me, adding to the weight already crushing my shoulders. Just another reason to get the hell out of Portland for a while.

  A muscle in Jake’s cheek ticked. “Am I your VP, or not?” I didn’t respond, and he pushed on. “It’s my job to make sure we bring your vision to fruition, but I can’t do that without your help.”

  I let out a long breath. He had a point. “I’ll make sure you have what you need for the program by the end of the summer.” The set of Jake’s shoulders eased just a bit. “But I need this break.”

  Jake jerked his chin. “Thank you.” He grinned. “Now, do you really need to go to bumfuck nowhere to do whatever it is that you’re planning on doing? Soul-searching or some shit?”

  I chuckled, the tension between my shoulder blades easing a bit. “I’m leaving tomorrow.”

  Rachel stepped forward. “Do you need me to prepare anything for you, Cain?”

  Jake rolled his eyes. “Stop kissing his ass, Rachel. You’re already the highest-paid assistant known to man.”

  Rachel scowled at him and opened her mouth for what I was sure would be a verbal smackdown. I held up a hand. “Now, children.”

  They both scowled at me. I laughed. I’d missed this. The back and forth that we so often had when the company was just getting started. The camaraderie. Somewhere along the way, as the company grew, we’d lost some of that. Once I got my shit together, I’d figure out how to get us back there.

  I placed my hands on my desk as I rose. “I’m trusting you to hold down the fort while I’m go
ne.”

  Jake headed for the door, holding up a hand in a backwards wave. “Strippers and booze on Fridays.”

  Rachel let out a huff. “You’re really going to leave me with him?”

  I grinned. “If it gets too bad, let me know, and I’ll have a talk with him.”

  Rachel nodded, her gaze zeroing in on my face. “Is everything okay, Cain?”

  I swallowed, fighting the mounting dryness in my throat. I thought about the nightmares that had awoken me in a cold sweat every night since I’d gotten the call about Karen. Her ghost haunting every corner of my city. The flashbacks. The fear that I was going to lose my hold on the control I’d gained. “Everything’s fine. I just need a vacation.”

  What I needed was to feel like I could breathe.

  3

  Kennedy

  My phone buzzed in my pocket as I wiped the last of the fingerprints from the glass bakery case. I tossed the rag on the counter and pulled out my cell. An alert danced across the screen. Davis Barrington granted early parole hearing.

  My heart thudded so hard, my ribs seemed to rattle. I slid my thumb across the screen, and the news article popped up. I had told myself time and again that I should simply turn off the alerts, that reading updates on my father and all the people he’d hurt would only cause me more pain. But it felt like something that I needed to face. To bear.

  My eyes skimmed the text. My father had, in fact, been granted a hearing for parole less than two years into his sentence. Apparently, he had enough money left to grease palms somewhere. My gaze caught on a photo, a woman who couldn’t be much older than I was. A woman whose face would be forever ingrained in my mind, the twisted pain of her features right before she doused me in fake blood. “My father wasn’t one of Mr. Barrington’s wealthy clients. We were a working-class family, but Barrington promised he would invest my dad’s savings and get him early retirement. Instead, he stole it all, and my father hanged himself the day the truth came out.”