Beautifully Broken Control

by Catherine Cowles

  Footsteps sounded on the stairs, and I looked up to see Jensen. She glanced at the clock on the wall. “Shoot. I took longer than I thought. Sorry. Get out of here. I know you have ballet.”

  I wiped my hands on the towel and set it behind the counter. “I’ve got plenty of time. Don’t worry about it.”

  “No, you don’t. At least, let me handle Chuck’s walk.”

  I grinned. “You know that would make his day. Thank you.” Chuck loved Jensen, probably because she snuck him bacon from the savory scones she made each morning.

  “No problem. Now, skedaddle.” She shooed me on.

  “Sir, yes, sir.” I jogged up the steps, laughing as I went, but came to a screeching halt at my open door. Cain was crouched, examining the lock. “What are you doing?”

  He looked up. “Putting in an alarm. This lock is actually pretty good. I don’t think it needs to be replaced, but there will be sensors on all your windows, a keypad on this inside wall here. I could do motion sensors, but you have a dog.” He inclined his head towards my bed, where Chuck was snoring away. “Though I don’t get the sense he moves much.”

  “I don’t need an alarm.” It was such a waste.

  “Sure, you do.”

  “Cain. It’s not like someone is going to drag a ladder over here and climb up two stories to try and break in and steal…what? My five books?” I gestured to the handful of worn paperbacks on my shelf.

  Cain’s jaw tightened. “There are bad people in this world. It’s better to be safe.”

  I fought the urge to throw something at him. I didn’t need any of this. My stomach twisted as I took in all the gadgets strewn across the floor. How much money did all of this cost? Hundreds of dollars, at least. Maybe thousands. My mouth went dry. How many more worthwhile things could that money be spent on?

  I squeezed my eyes closed. It wasn’t my money. I couldn’t decide how it was spent. “Fine. I need to grab a bag and go, so please don’t set the alarm until I know how to use it. The last thing I need is to wake up the entire town when I don’t know how to shut the damn thing off.” I crossed to my closet, footsteps a bit heavier than necessary, and reached for my dance bag.

  “Where are you going?”

  I tossed a leotard and my pointe shoes into the bag, not looking up. “I’m teaching a class in twenty minutes.”

  “A class?” Cain’s voice was closer now. I still didn’t look up.

  I threw in a sweatshirt for my bike ride home. “Yup. I teach ballet.”

  Cain let out an exasperated sigh. “How many jobs do you have?”

  I straightened and turned. “Two. Why? Is it a crime to work hard?”

  “Of course, not.” He opened his mouth to say something else, but then seemed to think better of it. “Are you riding your bike?”

  “Yup.” I lifted the bag over my shoulder and headed for the door.

  “Hold on a sec.”

  I turned to face Cain, annoyance tingling under my skin now. “Yes?”

  He looked sheepish now, almost a little hesitant. “I have a friend who owns a dealership near here. I think he’d lend you a car until you’re ready to buy one.”

  My jaw fell open. If there had been a fly nearby, it would’ve flown right in. “Lend me a car?”

  Cain’s expression brightened, mistaking my dumbfounded shock for excitement. “Yeah, I can give him a call in a few. I’m sure he could have one here by tomorrow.”

  My hands tightened around the strap of my dance bag, and I did my best to keep my voice calm and even. “What have I said or done that has given you the impression that I want a vehicle?”

  He looked almost a little bewildered now. Adorably so, but I pushed that down. “You don’t have one.”

  “Did it ever occur to you that I don’t have a car because I don’t want one?” And I didn’t. I could’ve scrounged together the money for one, but it would’ve been a waste. I didn’t need one, and I was done with being wasteful. “I am perfectly capable of providing everything that I need for myself. I don’t need you sweeping in here, thinking you’re some white knight who’s going to fix everything for the poor Cinderella. I’ve got everything I need. So, just stop.”

  I didn’t give him a chance to say another word. I didn’t trust myself not to do something incredibly stupid, like throw one of his ridiculously expensive gadgets at the wall. I turned on my heel and stormed out.

  I jogged down the stairs and was met by Jensen. “What was all that about?”

  I held up a hand. “I can’t right now. I’ll talk to you about it tomorrow.”

  Jensen nodded slowly. “Okay. Ride carefully, you’re upset.”

  I pulled her into a quick hug. “Thank you.” Tears threatened behind those words. I held them back until I was riding away. My emotions were all over the place. Anger. Frustration. Guilt. Shame. I let myself cry it out; the wind stinging my face where the tears tracked down my cheeks. I’d let it out as much as I could, and then I’d bottle it back up. Just like I always did.

  12

  Cain

  “Fuck.”

  Jensen’s face appeared in the doorway. “What the hell happened?”

  I swiped a hand over my face. “I might’ve overstepped my boundaries.” That was a giant-ass understatement.

  Jensen glanced around at the array of sensors, wires, keypads, and other gadgetry. “Uh, Cain? I said you could put some sensors in here, but you didn’t need to wire Fort Knox.”

  I sat down on the end of Kennedy’s bed. “I got a little carried away.”

  J took a seat on the couch opposite me. “What’s all this about?”

  Jensen knew my story—the broad strokes anyway. The finer details were mine to carry, and mine alone. “Something triggered me last night.” Jensen stayed quiet, letting me get to it in my own time. “Kenz was going to ride that damn bike home after eight at night, and my thoughts just started spinning, and I couldn’t seem to get a hold of them. Each scenario that flashed through my brain was worse than the one before.”

  “And that’s why you drove her home?” Jensen’s voice was gentle, holding not even a hint of judgment.

  I nodded. “When I dropped her off, I saw that there were only basic locks on the back door, and my mind started cycling again. How easy it would be to break in. That no one would be around to hear Kennedy scream if something happened.” I forced my eyes closed, trying to block out the images, the memories. A wet, rough tongue licked at my hand. My lids flew open to see a brown and white face looking up at me as if to say, “it’s okay.” I gave the dog a scratch behind the ears. He started to drool.

  “Cain.” My gaze rose to meet Jensen’s. “Is this about Kiara?”

  I don’t think Jensen had ever spoken her name out loud to me. Maybe at the funeral, but that time was all a blur. “It always is.” The grin I gave her was sad more than anything else.

  “It wasn’t your fault.”

  Fire licked at the back of my throat. I’d heard the words a million times before, and never once had I believed them. “I knew my mom was a basket case. I shouldn’t have left Kiara with her.” I rose and began to pace. “But I just had to go to college, use that fancy scholarship.”

  “You had an opportunity to make a better life. For you and your sister. Can you tell me for one second that you were going to leave Kiara and never look back?”

  I ran a hand through my hair. Of course, I wasn’t. I’d had a plan. We’d had a plan. I studied my ass off in high school, worked nights and weekends, saving every penny I could for my and Kiara’s college funds. God knew my mother wasn’t saving anything, it all went to her booze and a premium cable TV package.

  Then, I’d gotten a scholarship to Portland University. One of the best criminal justice programs on the west coast and their computer programming department hadn’t sucked either. Kiara and I had made a new plan. I’d go to college, keep working and saving so that we’d have enough to send her to university when she graduated two years later.

 
I’d checked in with her every day. She’d never said a word about Mom slipping from drinking into drugs. Not a single hint that Mom had started bringing sketchy guys back to the house for parties. My little sister, who was better than I would ever be, kept silent so I could have my fucking dream.

  But what good was that fucking dream when she’d lain dying hours away? My breaths started to come quicker. I couldn’t seem to hold on to the air.

  Jensen rose and crossed to me. “Breathe, Cain. Just breathe.”

  I watched J’s chest rise and fall and copied the movements. Fuck. I’d thought I had put these panic attacks to rest. It had been so long since my entire life had crumbled around me. I’d learned to control it all—my fears, my anxiety. I’d built a life where I didn’t have to feel any of those things, and that was the way I liked it. Then, my mom had to invade my city. Even in death, she was able to ignite the pain of all the wounds she’d inflicted over the years.

  Jensen pulled me in for a hard hug. “I know my hugs make you feel awkward and uncomfortable, but you’re just going to have to suck it up. You’re loved, Cain Hale, and there’s nothing you can do to change that.”

  The burn in my throat was back. “I’m going to tell Tuck you hugged me for so long.”

  J laughed into my neck. “Good. It’ll keep him on his toes.” She slowly released me. “You going to be okay?”

  I nodded. God, I hated that J had gotten this glimpse into all the insanity that swirled in my mind. But there was nothing I could do about it now. “I’m going to dial back the security in here.”

  Jensen grinned. “Probably a good idea.” Her brow furrowed. “Was this what got Kenz all upset?”

  I scrubbed a hand over my jaw. “This was part of it, but I think the kicker was when I told her I had a friend who owned a car dealership who could loan her a car.”

  Jensen dropped her face into her hands and slowly shook her head. When she looked up, I could tell she was trying desperately to hold in her laughter. “You don’t have a friend who owns a dealership here.”

  My lips pressed together in a firm line. “I could have a friend you don’t know about.”

  J couldn’t hold her laughter in any longer. “But you don’t. You were going to buy her a freaking car, weren’t you?”

  Heat crept up the back of my neck. “Don’t be crazy.” I paused as Jensen arched a brow at me. “I was going to lease one.”

  Jensen’s laughter grew until tears rolled down her face. “Oh, Cain. You picked the wrong girl.”

  “What do you mean?”

  J straightened, her laughter subsiding. “She’s not charmed by expensive gifts. In fact, I’d say they have the opposite effect. I mean, look around you.”

  My gaze traveled over the space that was Kennedy’s. Everything about it said simple and homey. The two-seater table in the kitchen had an old jar she’d turned into a vase by tying a ribbon around it and filling it with the wildflowers from the field behind the Kettle. The bookcase held worn paperbacks, a photo of her and a blond young man from at least ten years ago that burned my gut, and more jars. These jars were painted with the word gratitude. There were a few that were full of slips of paper, and one that was three-quarters of the way there.

  The quilt on her bed was worn and housed a snoring-again dog, though the pup looked to be purebred, looks could be deceiving. The door to her closet was still open, and there were hardly any clothes inside. Fewer than any other woman’s wardrobe I’d seen.

  “She likes to live simply.”

  Jensen’s words brought my gaze back to her. “I’m getting that.”

  She patted my arm. “Give her a chance to get to know you. Are you going back to Hope House?”

  I’d planned on it, but I wasn’t sure Kennedy would greet me with open arms now. “Tonight.”

  “Good.”

  “I’m not interested in her like that.” The lie tasted bitter on my tongue. “I just want to be her friend.” Now, I sounded like a five-year-old. Great. I shoved a hand through my hair.

  Jensen’s lips twitched. “Whatever you say, bigshot.” She glanced down at the mess around us. “Now, what are you going to do about all of this?”

  I grimaced. “I still want to put a system in here, but I promise I won’t go overboard.”

  “Sounds like a plan. I have to go pick up Noah, but here’s an extra set of keys. Lock up on your way out?”

  I caught the keys as she tossed them to me. “No problem. And I’ll swing back by tomorrow morning to finish setting things up and to walk you through the system.”

  “Thanks, Cain.” Jensen looked as if she were fighting the urge to hug me again. “You’re a good man.”

  Her words seared my skin, but I said nothing. She shook her head. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  I buckled down and got to work, doing everything I could to push the lingering memories from my mind. I focused on wires and sensors. There was so much out of my control, but giving Kennedy a safe home was something I could do, paying things forward just a bit.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket. Pulling it out, I gave the screen a quick glance. “Hale.”

  “It’s Jake.”

  His tone told me all I needed to know. “What’s wrong?”

  “We lost the Criterion account to Raider.”

  I sucked in air. They weren’t one of our biggest, but it was still a blow. “What did they say?”

  “They’re making cutbacks, and another company offered tech and software similar to ours at a more affordable price.”

  My grip on my phone tightened. “Were you able to figure out the price break?”

  “Twenty percent less than our starting packages.”

  It didn’t add up. Either Raider was cutting corners on their equipment, or they were paying their employees next to nothing. Unless they had succeeded in getting their hands on some of our software. If they’d stolen that and didn’t have to pay anyone to develop their own, they just might be able to offer those prices. “I want a full diagnostic on our systems.”

  “What? Why? What we need is a game plan to make some cuts so we can compete with Raider’s pricing structure.”

  I began packing up the last of my gear on the floor. “Run the diagnostic. I’m almost positive they got in and stole some software. Tell Pete I want a report in an hour. Call my cell.”

  “Fine. But we need to discuss a game plan.”

  We needed a game plan, all right, but I wouldn’t be discussing it with him. For all I knew, he or someone else in-house could’ve given someone a back door into our system. Anyone on the alpha team could have. Right now, there wasn’t a single person at my own damn company that I could trust.

  13

  Kennedy

  Late. I was so freaking late. And it was all Cain Hale’s fault. It had been years since I’d been that frustrated with someone. The more space I got from my outburst, the more I wondered if I’d overreacted. But second-guessing myself just pissed me off more.

  I had started over. And the gift of erasing my past, of being a blank canvas, was that I got to decide what my life looked like. I got to choose whether I drove a car or rode a bike or…hell, if I trained a donkey and trotted all over town. It was my choice, and mine alone.

  I drew up short as I entered the rec room space of the shelter. Lizzie was sitting on a chair, her back to Cain, legs swinging. She chatted up a storm as he braided her hair. And it wasn’t an awkward, uneven design either. He was weaving her hair into two intricate French braids without a single strand out of place.

  What the heck? Nothing about this man added up. And yet again, I had to swallow my judgmental assumptions.

  I slowly walked towards the duo, listening as Lizzie recounted the trip to a farm her preschool had taken that day. “They had three pigs and more chickens than I could count. There were horses, and I reeeeeally wanted to ride one, but my teacher said no because I didn’t have pah-mission.”

  Cain nodded along with her chatter. “I would’ve wanted to ri
de one, too.”

  Lizzie gave a little jolt in her chair, twisting to face him. “Maybe we can find a horse to ride together!”

  Cain expertly followed her jerky motions, moving his hands so there was no pull on her hair, but he didn’t lose his hold on her braid either. “I think that sounds like a great plan. I’ll see what I can find.” He tied a bright pink rubber band around her pigtail.

  “Kennie!” Lizzie leaped up and ran straight for me.

  The collision knocked me back a step and startled a laugh out of me. “Hey, you.”

  “Look what Cain did! Look at my braids!” She twirled in a circle, her pigtails swinging out around her.

  “You are stylin’, Lizzie.” I tugged on one of the braids as she came to a stop. “I love them.” My gaze tangled with Cain’s over Lizzie’s head. “This is pretty impressive.”

  Cain rubbed at the back of his neck. “Better at braids than meddling where I shouldn’t, apparently.”

  My lips twitched. “It’s good to recognize where your calling lies.”

  Cain’s shoulders eased a fraction, and he pushed to his feet. “I’ll try to remember that.”

  Lizzie’s head swung back and forth as if she were watching a tennis match. “What’s meddlin’?”

  Cain chuckled. “It’s when you stick your nose in something that’s none of your business.”

  Lizzie nodded as if she had a deep understanding of the issue. “My mom says I do that a whole lot. But I just want to know what’s going on.”

  “I have the same problem, Lizzie.” Cain turned to me. “Is it okay that I’m here?”

  My cheeks heated as guilt flooded me. “Of course. You’re always welcome.” Anyone who could put this kind of look on Lizzie’s face would be.

  He gave me a small smile. “I’m not sure Doug agrees.” He inclined his head to where the director stood in the corner with a clipboard and a scowl.

  “He’ll get used to you.”

  “I’m not so sure about that.”