Beautifully Broken Control

by Catherine Cowles

  Kennedy rolled her eyes. “Who knew you were such a sore loser?” I nipped at her earlobe, and she squealed. “Okay, okay, I promise not to embarrass you in Monopoly again.” She paused, pressing her lips together briefly. “I was actually thinking it might be nice to get out of the house a bit. Maybe go into town. Do you know if Walker got my bike when he picked up your car? I need to take it to a bike shop and see what happened to the brakes.”

  I stiffened. That damn bike. I wanted to run it over with my SUV.

  “What? You just got all scowly.”

  “I don’t want you riding that damn bike.”

  Kennedy pushed up in bed, the oversized t-shirt she wore slipping off one shoulder. “Excuse me?”

  “It’s a death-trap. You could’ve been killed.”

  “Which is why I want to take it to a bike shop and have someone look it over. They’ll know what went wrong.”

  I ran a hand through my hair as I pushed up against the pillows. “Even if they can fix it, it’s not safe.”

  “Cain, you’re being ridiculous. People ride bikes all the time. I had an accident. That’s all.”

  I turned to face Kennedy. Her auburn hair was in wild disarray from sleep, her green eyes flashing. Nothing could happen to her. “I need you safe.”

  Kennedy’s expression softened, and she scooted closer to me, placing both palms on my chest. “I am safe. What is this really about?”

  My chest tightened. “You know what it’s about.”

  “But can you tell me a little more? So I can understand better?”

  I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but I just couldn’t. The idea of recounting every painful detail of Kiara’s death was too much. I couldn’t do it. I’d never actually had to say the words before. Walker and Tuck had been with me when I’d gotten the call, they’d spoken directly to the police. And they had been the ones to bring Dr. Murphy up to speed when I’d started seeing him. We’d talked about Kiara, sure, what had happened, but I’d never had to tell the tale from beginning to end. I never wanted to. Something about saying the words aloud made me fear I would break.

  I swallowed against the cracking dryness in my throat. “I can’t talk about it. I’m sorry. I know that’s not fair. I just—I can’t.”

  Kennedy pulled her knees up to her chest and curled into herself. “It’s okay. You don’t have to. I’m here whenever you’re ready.” There was a hint of hurt in her tone, one that had me kicking myself. She deserved more. I would give her everything I had to offer, but I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to give her this.

  I pressed my lips to the crown of her head. “Thank you.”

  We were quiet for a while, both lost in our own thoughts. My phone buzzed on the nightstand. I reached over and picked it up. It was a text from my assistant.

  Rachel: Health insurance for Kennedy Charles is all set up. I’ll have them send the card directly to you.

  I typed out a quick reply.

  Me: Thanks. I appreciate you moving so quickly on this.

  Rachel: Whatever you need.

  “Is that Walker?” Kennedy asked, pushing off my chest.

  I cleared my throat. “Um, no. It was my assistant. I asked her to get some health insurance set up for you—”

  “What?”

  I let out a little cough. This would not be good. “I had her set up some health insurance for you.”

  That fire was back in Kennedy’s eyes. “I appreciate that you covered my hospital bill, but I will be paying you back for that. It might take me a while, but I’ll do it.” Like hell, she was. “But I didn’t ask you to get me health insurance. I don’t want you to get me health insurance. I already talked to Jensen about getting me an affordable plan through the Kettle so I’m covered in emergency situations.”

  “Kenz, things have changed. We’re together, figuring this thing out. I want to take care of you. Why won’t you let me?”

  She swung her feet off the bed and stood, beginning to pace. “Did it ever occur to you that I don’t want someone to take care of me? That I can take care of myself?”

  I got to my feet. “Oh, you take such good care of yourself that you were begging me to send the ambulance away because you had no health coverage? You can take that good care of yourself?”

  Kennedy glared at me. “It was an oversight that I’ve now corrected. Jensen has already submitted an application for me.”

  “Yeah, for some budget plan that will have crappy coverage. I have the means to get you the best. Why won’t you let me?”

  “And what happens when you leave, huh?”

  My body jolted. She thought I was going to leave her. That as soon as this nasty business with my company passed, I’d be gone for good. Even if things didn’t work out between the two of us, I’d never cancel her health insurance. Was that seriously what she thought of me? When my eyes really took in her face, I saw it, the fear, the uncertainty. She’d opened up to me completely, given me everything, and I was still holding back. Like I always did. I crossed to Kennedy, pulling her into my arms and resting my chin on her head. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “You live in Portland.”

  “I live here.”

  “But you’ll need to go back there eventually.”

  The idea of going back to Portland, a city I’d always thought I wanted, didn’t hold the same appeal anymore. There was something special about Sutter Lake, the energy that flowed through the town and the wilderness surrounding it. This place was good for me. Being surrounded by people I trusted, who I knew cared for me, not for what I brought to the table, but because I was family to them. There had to be a way for me to stay on permanently.

  I pressed my lips to the top of Kennedy’s head. “I may have to go back occasionally, but I like it here. And when I go, you can come with me.” Already, I couldn’t imagine leaving her here, spending a night without her. I’d slept better last night than I had in almost two decades.

  She pressed her face harder against my chest as if she were trying to burrow inside me. “My name is death for any business. When the truth of who I am gets out—and it will if we’re ever photographed together—it could ruin things for you.”

  “Kenz, if anyone doesn’t want to do business with me because I’m with a woman who was so brave, and cared so much about doing the right thing that she helped the FBI arrest her own father, giving up every privilege she’d been raised with in the process, then I don’t want their business anyway.”

  Kennedy seemed to sag against me. “You say that now, but it might be different when half your clients walk.”

  They wouldn’t. She overestimated how hated she was. Her brother was at work for another financial firm already. Time dulled people’s memories. I rubbed a hand up and down her back. “It’ll be okay. I promise.”

  “I want to try. But we have to find a way to meet in the middle.”

  I pulled her back to the bed, sitting and tugging her into my lap. “What does that look like?”

  She nibbled on her bottom lip. “I’ll ask Jensen if there is a better plan I can get under her insurance. You can pay the difference in plan prices until I can handle it on my own. Fair?”

  I wanted to argue how ridiculous this was, that the price of the premium plan I’d gotten her was mere pocket change for me, but I held those thoughts back. What was important was that she was protected, would have no reason not to go to the doctor. “Fair. What about the death trap?”

  Kennedy sighed and rolled her eyes. “I want to keep riding my bike.” My muscles tensed. “But I know my body needs some recovery time. Could you give me a ride to ballet and the shelter for a couple of weeks?”

  I hated that she was already planning on going back to work. That she wasn’t asking for a ride to the Kettle because she was planning on staying in her studio. Well, that was fine, I’d just stay there with her. “I can do that. Will you avoid that hill from now on?”

  “There’s another route I can take. It’s just a little longer.�
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  “Thank you.” I brushed my lips against hers. “I have one more request.”

  She studied me. “And what’s that?”

  “You let me stock your fridge with Perrier.”

  Kennedy burst out laughing. “If that will make you happy, go right ahead.” She gave a happy sigh. “It has been nice to have my Perrier again.”

  She’d been drinking it like crazy since she was at my house. It was such a tiny thing, but it brought a smile to her face, and Kennedy had been depriving herself of those little things for far too long. I could see clearly that it was some messed-up form of atonement for a situation that wasn’t hers to assume. I was going to do everything in my power to get Kennedy to let herself enjoy the simple pleasures in life again. Giving her endless Perrier wasn’t enough, but it was a start.

  31

  Kennedy

  “You can take me to work, or I’ll walk. And think of all the bandits who could get me then.” It had been a week since the relationship between Cain and me had changed since we’d had our meeting of the minds—and bodies. And things were good. Mostly great, actually.

  We spent our days, tangled together on the couch. Cain worked while I watched Murder, She Wrote, and I’d even gotten him to try and predict who the killer was with me. He was also trying to teach me to cook. So far, I’d mastered scrambled eggs without setting fire to his kitchen.

  We spent the nights tangled together in a whole different way. I’d never had someone light my body on fire the way Cain did. It was as if he knew the exact map of my nerve endings and took great pleasure in tracing every single one.

  The only hitch had been when he’d insisted on accompanying me to my follow-up doctor’s appointment. He’d basically bullied the doctor into agreeing that I needed another week’s rest. I think he’d scared the older man, actually. But I was done. There was only so much Angela Lansbury and Cabot Cove a girl could take.

  In an attempt to appease me, Cain had loaned me his fancy tablet so I could work on research for the shelter and the community center. I had a few ideas for programs that I thought would be perfect. One was bringing in horses and a therapist to work with residents who had been through trauma. Another was getting someone like Cain to offer free classes on working with computers, everything from the basics to programming. Those skills were things the job market was desperate for, and it would set the shelter residents and the community members up for success. But now that my wheels were turning, I was even more hungry to get back to work and Hope House.

  “Kenz, the doctor said—”

  I held up a hand to stop him. “Cain, you basically threatened to sue the man if I went back to work and got so much as a headache. Of course, he said I needed another week off.” I crossed to Cain, gentling my tone. “Baby, I need to go back to work. I’m going stir-crazy. If I start to feel bad, I promise I’ll call it quits and go upstairs to rest.”

  Cain huffed out a breath. “Fine. But Chuck’s staying with me.”

  I let out a laugh, and Chuck raised his head from where he lay on the couch, his gaze going back and forth between us like a tennis match. Chuck had started following Cain around like he was his new best friend. I knew it was because Cain slipped him bacon every morning, the cheater.

  “Fine. Chuck can stay here today.” We hadn’t talked much about me returning to my apartment over the Kettle. I needed to, but I wasn’t quite ready to say goodbye to the routine I’d built here with Cain, either. Stand on your own two feet, I reminded myself. It was important. I’d fought so hard for so long to build the independence I had. I didn’t want to lose it.

  “All right, go get ready. I’ll fix us breakfast for the road.”

  I chuckled and kissed Cain’s cheek. “Don’t sulk, it’s not very manly.”

  “I’ll show you manly.” Cain took my mouth in a bruising kiss that had me panting when he pulled away.

  “Much better than sulking.” Cain smacked my butt as I walked away, and I couldn’t hold in my laugh.

  “You’re back! Ohmigosh, I didn’t think you were going to be back for three more days. Get over here.” Jensen wrapped me in a warm hug. “Missed you.”

  “I missed you, too, J. Sorry I left you high and dry.”

  She released me. “It’s not your fault.” She looked behind me to Cain and burst out laughing. “I take it someone isn’t too happy you’re returning to work.”

  “She’s supposed to take another three days off.” Cain had been full-on pouting since we’d pulled out of his driveway.

  “I promise I’ll make her take it easy. Frequent breaks. And she can always lay down upstairs if she needs to.”

  Cain nodded and crossed to me. “I’ll see you in a couple of hours.” He cupped my face with his hands and took my mouth in a slow kiss that lit a simmering fire in my blood that would burn for hours. “Call me if you need me.”

  I nodded, watching him leave. When I turned back to Jensen, her mouth was hanging fully open. She closed it and opened it a few more times before she got any actual words out. “What? When? Tell me everything!”

  I laughed. “Come on, I’ll fill you in while we prep for the lunch rush.”

  Jensen and I spent the rest of the day catching up as we worked. I hadn’t realized just how much I’d missed her. My body held up pretty well. My ribs began to twinge towards the end of my shift, but Jensen picked up on my awkward movements and put me to work in her office, adding receipts to a spreadsheet. Before long, Cain was knocking on the open office door. “How are you feeling?” The look of concern in his eyes had me melting just a bit.

  “I did great. Thanks for picking me up.” I pushed to my feet and went to grab my bag.

  “Are you sure you’re up for ballet, too? This is a lot for your first day back.”

  “It’s just one class, and then I want to go by the shelter for a little while, too.”

  “Kenz.” My name was a low warning.

  “Just for an hour. I haven’t seen Anna or Lizzie in too long.”

  “Fine. But then straight home to rest.”

  “Sir, yes, sir.”

  Cain grabbed hold of my hand and tugged me to him. “Why is it that the sass always makes me want to fuck you?”

  My breaths started coming a bit quicker. “That’s really just encouragement for me to be more of a smartass.”

  Cain chuckled and nipped my bottom lip. The move sent an electric hum straight to my core. My hands fisted in his shirt, and I pressed my mouth to his, my tongue darting in, hungry, searching. Cain cupped my ass, pulling me flush against him.

  A throat cleared behind us. “Uh, this is a place of business. Children come here. Take it upstairs, would you?” Jensen then burst into laughter.

  My cheeks were on fire. “Sorry, J.”

  Cain scowled at her. “Like you and Tuck are any better.”

  “Fair point, well made.”

  I glanced at my watch. “Shoot, we gotta go, Cain. I can’t be late.” Seraphina hadn’t exactly been happy when I’d told her that I needed almost two weeks off work. If I was late my first day back, I might have to kiss my dance job goodbye. “I’ll see you tomorrow, J. What time do you need me?”

  “Not till ten.”

  My brows rose. That was a lot later than usual.

  “I’ll fill you in tomorrow.”

  I nodded and tugged Cain out the door. We made the drive to the dance studio in a matter of minutes, and I was inside with more than ten minutes to spare, but Seraphina was waiting. “Cutting it a little close, aren’t we?” she asked with a huff.

  “Sorry, my other job ran a little over.” I felt Cain at my back, but Seraphina barely spared him a glance.

  “It’s clear this job isn’t very important to you. Maybe it’s time I start looking for a new teacher.”

  My stomach sank. As much as I hated dealing with Seraphina, this was my favorite of all my jobs. Getting to introduce little ones to dance, seeing them gain strength and confidence, it was the best feeling in the world
. “Please, don’t.”

  Cain stepped forward, his face hard. “I’d hate to think that you were threatening an employee for taking a medical leave of absence. I’m fairly certain the court system would have something to say about that.”

  Seraphina’s mouth fell open. “Excuse me? And who are you?”

  “I’m her boyfriend. Someone who also happens to have the top law firm in Portland on retainer. So, just go ahead and try me, lady.”

  Seraphina sucked in a sharp breath. “Well, I never.” Her head whipped in my direction. “This is who you choose to associate with, Kennedy? I’m disappointed. Though I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.” She jerked her chin up and turned for her office.

  Cain turned back to me, carefully assessing my reaction. I let out a long breath before I spoke. “I can fight my own battles.”

  He took a step towards me, brushing the hair from my face before cupping my jaw. “That doesn’t mean you should always have to.”

  A burning sensation started up along my sternum, but it was different than the usual fire I felt there. This was a mixture of pleasure and pain. It had been so long since I’d had someone fight for me. Maybe Cain was right. Perhaps it was okay to set down my sword for a little while and rest. Let someone who cared for me take up the mantle for a minute.

  This man was slowly slipping behind every defense I had. And as much as he seemed to care for me, I knew I cared for him more. But care wasn’t the right word. It wasn’t strong enough. I was dancing closer and closer to the strongest word there was. I was falling in love with Cain Hale. And I was absolutely terrified.

  32

  Cain

  I watched her through the studio windows as I listened to the phone ringing on the other end of the line. She was grace with a little bit of whimsy thrown in. Kennedy’s arm arced, and her back bowed, curving into a shape that seemed to defy logic, but then she threw in a funny face at the mirror where her students could see when she came out of the move.