Beautifully Broken Control

by Catherine Cowles

  I turned in Cain’s arms, and the pain I saw in his eyes stole my breath. “Cain, who did you lose?” It was impossible for me not to ask the question. I couldn’t see the depth of his pain and ignore it, even though I knew he wanted me to.

  His Adam’s apple bobbed. “I can’t talk about it.”

  “Why?” The one word was a plea. Tell me. Show me. Trust me.

  Cain released me. “I don’t want to. Don’t go there, okay? I’ve shared what I can.”

  The words stung, invisible barbs coating my skin. “Maybe you should paint me a roadmap of what I’m allowed to ask about and what I’m not.”

  His gaze met mine, and he nodded. I’d said the comment in anger, but he was taking it practically. “Anything after college is fair game. And I won’t talk about my family. Ever.”

  I blinked up at him. I could have his present, maybe even his future, but I could never have his past. I wanted Cain, but I was selfish, I wanted all of him—the way he had all of me. My gaze skimmed over his face, the raw pain in his eyes, the hard set of his jaw. I couldn’t let him go, even if it hurt every day for the rest of my life not to have it all, some would have to be good enough. “Okay.”

  Cain’s shoulders sagged, and he pulled me to him, wrapping both arms around me and pressing his lips to the side of my head. “I’m sorry.”

  I was, too. I hurt for him, for myself, and for whomever it was that he lost—the person I’d never know, who would always be a part of him. The present. The future. I had to stay focused on that. It was more than so many had, and I needed to be grateful.

  I shrugged out of his hold. Even his hug was painful. “I need to see if Jensen wants to get rid of any stock that will go bad in the next few days, and then we can take it to Hope House. That okay with you?” I looked up at Cain but couldn’t quite meet his eyes.

  “Of course.”

  We gathered everything Jensen wanted to part with, which turned out to be quite a bit, and headed for the shelter. The drive over was quiet, both of us lost in our thoughts, my heart squeezing in a painful rhythm. As soon as Cain came to a stop, I hopped out of the SUV, grabbing a bag from the back.

  Cain’s hand came to rest on mine when I tried to take a box, as well. “I can get the rest.”

  I nodded, and we headed inside. I waved to a couple of residents who were seated at tables in the rec room. Jay looked up from the cards he held. “Need a hand, Kennedy?” He seemed to eye Cain suspiciously.

  “We’ve got it. Thanks, though.”

  “I don’t like that guy,” Cain muttered as he pushed open the door to the kitchen.

  I let out a laugh. “That’s because you’re paranoid. Should I get you a tinfoil hat in case he’s an alien?”

  “Hardy har har.”

  Doug appeared in the hallway, looking a bit startled. “What are you guys doing here in the middle of the day?”

  I set my bag on the counter. “There was a gas leak at the Kettle. It’s going to be closed for a few days, so Jensen thought we might want the stock she can’t use.”

  Doug nodded. “That was generous of her. Please, thank her for me.”

  “I will.”

  His gaze jumped from me to Cain and back again. “Actually, do you have a minute? I wanted to discuss something with you.”

  I paused in unpacking the bag. “Sure. What’s up?”

  “Can we chat in my office?”

  “Of course.” I looked back at Cain. “Can you unload this stuff? I’ll be right back.”

  A muscle in his cheek fluttered. “Sure.” His eyes narrowed on Doug.

  Oh, boy.

  I sighed and started for the back office. As soon as we made it inside, I sank into one of the two chairs opposite Doug’s desk. He took the other.

  “How are you feeling, Kennedy?”

  “So much better. Thanks for putting up with me missing so many volunteer days.”

  Doug waved a hand in front of his face. “You don’t need to thank me, I’m just glad you’re okay.” He began to fidget in his seat. “That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.” My brows pulled together in confusion. “I’m worried about you, Kennedy.”

  I gave him a gentle smile. “I promise, I’m fine. You can call my doctor if that’ll make you feel better.”

  Doug’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “It’s not that. I’m concerned about your involvement with Cain. He doesn’t seem like the most stable fellow.”

  My mouth opened, then closed, then opened again, but I struggled to find the right words. “Doug…I really appreciate you wanting to look out for me, but Cain is a good man. He’s just a little overprotective. That’s all.”

  Doug snorted. “A little? He practically threatens anyone who goes near you.”

  “I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration.” My temper pricked. I wasn’t a child. I could make decisions regarding my own life.

  He reached out and grabbed my hand. “Kennedy, please. Just think about his behavior. It’s not normal.”

  I pulled out of Doug’s grasp. “Our relationship is my business. We’re friends, Doug, but I didn’t ask for your opinion. I’m a grown woman who can make choices for myself.”

  Doug’s jaw tightened. “Of course. Just know I’m always here if you need to talk.”

  I rose from my chair. “Thank you. I need to get going, but I’ll see you later this week.”

  I strode down the hallway, the weight of a day that wasn’t even half over seeming to feel heavier with each step.

  Cain straightened from where he leaned against the counter. “What’s wrong?”

  I shook my head as Cain pulled me into his arms. I let my forehead fall against his chest. “It’s just been a no good, very bad day. Can we go home and forget about the real world for a little while?”

  “Of course, we can.” He pressed his lips to the top of my head. “I’ll even give you a foot rub.”

  I lifted my face up to meet his gaze. “Sweet-talker.”

  “Always.”

  Cain led me out of the kitchen, our fingers intertwining. Just being with him, having that simple touch, gave me such peace. I only hoped he wouldn’t rip it all away one day.

  34

  Cain

  “I believe you have officially mastered scrambled eggs.”

  Kennedy beamed as she took a bite of egg and toast. “With cheese,” she said around chews.

  I chuckled. “The cheese is the most important part.” Kennedy lived with a joy I didn’t think I’d ever witnessed before. It was the simple things that gave her the most pleasure. Mastering a new dish, drinking a Perrier in the evening as we watched the sunset, watching her dog chase after his ball for the millionth time. The kinds of things I had been taking for granted for the past decade. She reminded me of what was important. And I had hurt her.

  Kennedy tried to hide it. Still, there was an underlying sadness just below the surface, almost as if she were mourning something. And I knew I had put it there. By holding back. By not telling her everything. I was a bastard for it. Asking her to give me everything but not doing the same in return. I would do everything I could to make up for it.

  I cleared my throat. “Sooo…”

  “Yes?”

  “I finished the program.”

  Kennedy shot up from her stool and launched herself at me with such ferocity, I had to hold on to the counter to keep us both from tipping over. “Cain! That’s amazing! When?”

  “Last night.” I hadn’t been able to sleep, so I’d pulled out my laptop and worked while Kenz slept peacefully next to me.

  The wide smile faltered a bit, and she released her hold on me. “Does that mean you’ll be heading back to Portland soon?”

  I pulled Kennedy back towards me so she was tucked between my legs. She still didn’t believe me, that I wanted a life with her here. “I’ve been thinking about building a headquarters in Sutter Lake.” There was an office park on the outskirts of town that I’d seen on my way to pick up food the other day
that would be perfect. I’d done a little research, and it was just lying vacant because the last company housed there wasn’t large enough to keep it afloat. Halo was. And I knew I had more than enough employees who would love to make the move with me. To have a chance to work for a company at the top of the game but raise their families in an idyllic small-town setting. It really was the best of both worlds.

  Kennedy studied my face, her hands resting on my shoulders. “Is that really what you want?”

  I brushed the hair back from her face. “I want you. I want the life I’m building here. A future that is full of you and that tiny terror.” I inclined my head towards the living area where Chuck snored away.

  The corners of Kennedy’s mouth tipped up. “I want that, too.”

  “Good.” I brushed my mouth against hers, cupping her ass and pulling her flush against me. I let out a groan. “But first, I have to deal with my company.”

  Adorable little worry lines appeared between Kennedy’s brows. “How are you going to do that? You still don’t know who the leak is.”

  I kissed the tip of her nose. “I’ve got a plan.” I let out another groan as I stood. “One that unfortunately doesn’t include taking you on this counter right now.” The flicker of heat in Kennedy’s eyes told me she wasn’t opposed to the idea. Shit. I had to focus.

  She gave my chest a little shove. “Go. Do what you need to do, and then we’ll celebrate.”

  “I’m holding you to that.” I headed back to my bedroom to get my computer and make some calls. I’d finally come up with the perfect plan to smoke out the traitor in my midst. I’d created a dummy program. One that would run for weeks before anyone knew something was wrong and that it wasn’t doing what it was supposed to. But once it was uploaded to a new computer and running, it would send me a new notification, and that notification would have a piece of code that was specific to whomever I’d given the program to.

  I would know if anyone gave it away. And I was starting at the top. The two people who knew the ins and outs of Halo better than anyone. If I could clear them, I’d breathe just a little bit easier. I reached for my cell and sent a text.

  Me: Not a word of this to anyone, but I finished the program. I think it’s going to take us to the next level.

  Within seconds, I had a reply.

  Jake: I’m in my office now. Can you encrypt and send?

  Me: Give me five.

  I got to work sending him the program while I tapped out another text.

  Me: Keep this between you and me, but I finished the program.

  Two minutes later, my phone rang.

  “Cain, that’s amazing! You must be so proud,” Rachel whispered, likely trying to avoid any listening ears.

  “Thanks. I want to get you a copy to upload to your company laptop for safekeeping.”

  She cleared her throat. “Why don’t I take the jet and we can do the transfer in person? You know how I feel about you sending that stuff. I don’t want to be blamed for something getting out.” I was silent for a minute, trying to read her reaction. She pushed on. “I have a bunch of documents for you to sign, as well.”

  Whether we did this in person or not, the test was the same. “All right. Have Vince accompany you. There are loaner cars at the airport he can use.”

  “Okay. I’ll be there tomorrow.” She paused for a moment. “It’ll be good to see you, Cain. Things haven’t been the same around here without you.”

  A trickle of guilt slid through me. I was a bastard for putting them all through this, but there was no other option. If I wanted to build a headquarters here, it had to be with people I trusted. I cleared my throat. “It’ll be good to see you too, Rach. Fly safe.”

  “Will do.”

  I hit end and stared at my phone. This time next week, I’d have my top two team members cleared, and I could start convincing Kennedy that I was here to stay.

  35

  Kennedy

  Cain was trying. I knew he was. That knowledge ignited something in me. Excitement. Hope. Maybe I could have a family again, one of my own choosing. But there was also a healthy dose of fear coursing through me. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hated it, but the fact that Cain wouldn’t tell me about his past, said that he didn’t completely trust me yet.

  But I had to hold on to that sliver of hope that, over time, he would. That he would fully let me in. It seemed like this was new for him. As if sharing even the mundane things about his days was a habit that had grown rusty over time. I wanted him to feel safe, accepted, loved. Even if I wasn’t ready to say the words yet. And that meant no more pushing.

  It went against my nature. If I saw something was wrong, I wanted to fix it. If someone was hurting, I needed to help heal them or at least bring comfort. It took everything in me not to dig, but I was holding strong.

  I keyed the code into the gate and waited while it swung open. I’d convinced Cain to let me borrow his car. I wanted to do something special for him, a real celebration of him completing the program he’d worked on for months. Something from the heart, something that would mean more to him because he knew me.

  A smile curved my lips. That was the ultimate gift, to have someone know you, all of you, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful, and love you because of the unique mix it all made. I just wished Cain could see that I wanted to give him the same.

  I pulled the Range Rover to a stop in front of the house and hopped out. Popping the trunk, I moved around to grab my two bags of groceries. The sound of tires on gravel had me turning around. An unfamiliar SUV with tinted windows appeared at the bend in the drive. It had to be Cain’s assistant. He hadn’t shared much of his plan to trap whoever was selling his company’s secrets, just assured me that, within a few weeks, he’d be able to start putting the pieces in place for an office here.

  The thought had more warmth spreading through me than I wanted to admit. This was just our beginning. A door slammed, shaking me out of my daydreams.

  “Hello,” I called as Rachel crossed to me, her mouth pressed into a tight line.

  “Hello, Callie.” Rachel’s gaze traveled the length of me, seeming to assess and find me lacking.

  “It’s Kennedy.” It was awkward, but if I didn’t correct her, I would come across as a timid mouse she could scare off. This was a different woman than the one I’d met briefly on the ride to the gala. That woman was professional and polite. This one was…not.

  She scoffed. “I can’t be bothered to learn all the names. You’ll be gone before I can blink, and I have more important things to focus on. More important things Cain wants me to focus on.”

  So, that’s how it was. I bit back the smile that wanted to surface. I didn’t blame her. Working around Cain twenty-four-seven for years, I’d want him, too. I knew Cain didn’t see her that way. The way he talked about her was the same as you’d discuss any colleague.

  I shrugged. “Sounds good. I’m just going to unload these groceries because I’ve got a celebration planned.”

  Her eyes narrowed on me. “And what exactly are you celebrating?”

  “Cain finishing the program.”

  Rachel’s jaw fell open. “He told you that?”

  “Yup. It’s amazing news, right?”

  Her cheeks began to redden. “I can’t believe he trusted a…a gold-digger like you with that information.”

  “Rachel…” The low warning came from Vince.

  I grinned at him, ignoring the heat coursing through me at her accusation. “It’s okay, Vince. I don’t blame her. Cain’s hot and kind and a million other things she doesn’t know about. That’d make me cranky, too.”

  Vince chuckled, but Rachel’s spine shot straight. “You’re the one who doesn’t know him. You’ve been around for…what? Two-point-five seconds? You think you’ve caught him because he’s fucking you? You couldn’t be more wrong. I’m the one he turns to. The one who’s been there from the beginning. The one who knows all his secrets. Knows why he built this co
mpany. The pain he’s trying to escape. Do you even know about Kiara?” She scoffed. “Of course, not. All you know is the shape of his cock.”

  “Rachel!” Cain strode from the house, anger seeming to tinge the air with each step. “What the fuck did you just say?” His words were slow, deliberate, and filled with so much fury I couldn’t help but take a step back.

  The problem was, his anger didn’t change the truth. One that might as well have been a barbed stake to the heart. Apparently, other people could know about Cain’s past. It was just me who couldn’t. I took another step back. I needed away from this. Space to let out the tears I was holding so tightly to at the moment.

  “Don’t.” The single word was a whip as Cain’s head snapped in my direction. “Don’t you move. The only one who’s going to be moving is Rachel. After she explains the bullshit that was coming out of her mouth.”

  Rachel’s face screwed up into a mix of hatred and longing. “I spoke the truth. It’s not my fault if she can’t handle it.”

  Cain’s jaw went to granite. “We are colleagues. We have only ever been colleagues. You don’t know the first thing about my personal life.”

  “Really? Who deals with your flings when they do everything they can to get a second or third go? Who stays until midnight when you’re working on a project just to make sure you remember to eat? Who has been with you from day one, giving everything? Just waiting for you to notice that the perfect woman is right next to you?”

  I felt bad for her then. She was a bitch, but so was unrequited love.

  Cain’s mouth fell open. He was totally and completely clueless. “Rachel…I’m sorry, but I don’t feel that way about you…”

  Rachel held up a hand to silence him, her face going red. “Shut up. I don’t want to hear it.” Maliciousness filled her features, and I knew that whatever she was about to say, it would be meant to cause the maximum amount of damage, to hurt Cain the way he’d hurt her. “Didn’t know there was a traitor under your nose just like you didn’t know there was one in your family. Isn’t that right, Cain? What does it feel like to know you couldn’t protect your sister then, just like you can’t protect your company now?”