I Have No Secrets

by Penny Joelson

  ‘Told you.’ Olivia pouts.

  ‘She must be staying with one of the friends she went with to the concert,’ says Mum.

  ‘She could have let us know.’ Dad sounds irritated. ‘I’ll text her, just to check she’s OK.’

  He does, but an hour later he’s had no reply. ‘Probably still asleep,’ he says.

  I’m trying not to panic, but I don’t believe Sarah has gone back to Richard’s. She sounded really certain when she said she doesn’t want to be with him any more, so why would she?

  Could Dan have found out about Richard – found out that Sarah was going to the concert with him? I feel like my worst fears are coming true.

  Hours go by. I keep wishing Sarah would walk through the door, bubbly, pretending not to be hungover, full of what a great concert it was.

  She doesn’t.

  Mum tries phoning Sarah, but says her phone seems to be switched off. ‘She probably turned it off for the concert and forgot to put it on again,’ says Mum. ‘Or left her charger at home.’

  By 4 p.m. Mum and Dad are both looking anxious.

  ‘I don’t even know who she was going with,’ Mum comments. ‘Was it Dan? Do you think we should try to call him? Or her friends . . . that Rihanna? Who’s the other one – Emma, isn’t it? But how would we get hold of them? All their numbers will be in Sarah’s phone . . .’

  ‘Shall we call the police?’ says Dad.

  ‘Let’s give it a few more hours,’ says Mum. ‘She’s probably still hungover at Dan’s or a friend’s house – something like that.’

  Mum doesn’t sound sure that she believes what she’s saying, even as she says it. I am even less sure.

  A few more hours go by. Mum says she’ll try looking at Sarah’s laptop – see if she can find a number for Dan or one of her friends, but she comes down saying she can’t get into anything without Sarah’s password. She finds the phone number for Sarah’s sister Kate, which Sarah gave her for emergencies. Dad phones Kate after dinner, but there’s no answer. Then he phones the police.

  ‘They took the details, but they didn’t sound that interested,’ he tells Mum. ‘She’s an adult – it’s not like when we lost Finn.’

  ‘It isn’t like her to go off and say nothing, though,’ says Mum.

  ‘I did tell them that,’ says Dad. ‘I’ll keep trying Kate. Sarah doesn’t have any other family, does she?’

  ‘No, her mum died years ago,’ says Mum. ‘I don’t think there was anyone else.’

  I’m facing towards the doorway and I can picture Sarah coming through, smiling and laughing. Then I see her at the concert, like she was in my dream. But as I try to fix the image of her in my mind, it fades. What happened, Sarah? Where are you? Did you get to the concert? Did Dan find out? Just come home, Sarah. Please.

  23

  I wake with a moment’s calm on Monday and then my stomach drops when I remember that Sarah is missing. She’s still not back. This is seriously worrying. And the police aren’t even looking for her yet.

  Mum gets me ready. She is gentle, but her face is weary, her eyes droopy. I don’t think she’s had much sleep.

  The glint of my varnished nails keeps catching my eye. It feels like only moments ago that Sarah was putting it on me.

  ‘Don’t worry, Jemma. I’m sure Sarah will be home soon,’ Mum tells me.

  It doesn’t feel right for me to swan off to school and carry on like normal. Olivia doesn’t want to go either. She tries hiding the car keys, but when Mum quickly finds them she starts screaming.

  ‘Dylan will kill me for breaking his tooth!’ she yells.

  ‘If you’re worried about anything, tell a teacher,’ Mum says. ‘I’ll come in with you and explain about Sarah – I’ll tell them today is a difficult day for you.’

  ‘I’m not going! I’m not going!’ Olivia blubs.

  The minibus is here to pick me up. I am wheeled out, leaving Olivia still in a tantrum.

  We drive away from the house, but the same series of images runs through my mind. The frosty look Sarah gave Mum. The front door slamming as she left. Sarah at the concert, blurry figures around her. Is one of them Dan? Sarah and Richard – he’s thrilled to be with her, she’s worrying Dan will call. Sarah and Dan, him begging her to live with him. Sarah’s phone beeping – always Dan’s name.

  A new thought hits me. Could she have planned this? Could she have run away with Dan?

  The next image is Dan’s sneering face as he watched Ryan’s funeral on telly and told me no one would catch him. If she has run away with him, she’s not safe.

  At school I have swimming. It’s a pain being changed and dried and changed back again, but it is always worth it. I am held in the water by Sheralyn, my volunteer helper, with the aid of some floats. My arms and legs stretch out in the water. I feel free – floating and uncurling as if I’m moving through air. In my chair I feel heavy and unwieldy; it’s hard for people to move me. In water a nudge is enough – I am as light as air and nothing presses into me at awkward angles. The water is so soft – softer even than my bed and so gentle. It feels delicious – the strongest sensation I experience apart from eating, and far more pleasurable.

  I lie on my back in the pool and stare up at the panelled ceiling. I can see my reflection repeated in a number of mirrored tiles all at once as if there are three or four of me. The mirror reflects reality, but not quite. That is how things feel with Sarah – real, but not quite. She can’t really have disappeared, can she?

  The water is warm, but I get cold quickly. Sheralyn comments that my fingers are going white. It is time to come out. I like Sheralyn. She is very gentle. She’s training to be a teacher and says she wants to teach ‘people like me’. She’s good, but she sometimes forgets to talk to me. Sometimes while they are changing us the volunteers start chatting to each other and forget that we are people who need to be talked to as well.

  On the way home from school in the minibus I try to picture Sarah sitting in the living room. Running into the hall when I come through the door. I pray, even though I don’t know if I believe in God.

  ‘Please, God,’ I say, ‘please let Sarah be home.’

  She is not.

  Later, after dinner, Mum is putting Finn and Olivia to bed and I’m keeping Dad company in the kitchen while he washes up. The phone rings and he quickly dries his hands on a tea towel and grabs it.

  I hold my breath. My heartbeat thuds in my ears.

  ‘Oh – hello, Kate,’ says Dad. ‘You got my message?’

  Maybe Kate knows something. Maybe Sarah’s with her. I listen eagerly, but Dad takes the phone out of the room.

  Mum comes running down the stairs. ‘Who is it?’ she says. ‘Any news?’

  ‘Kate only just saw the message,’ says Dad as they both come back into the kitchen. ‘She’s not spoken to Sarah for about a month, but that’s not unusual. They’re not that close. She didn’t sound too worried, though. She said Sarah’s sometimes a bit impulsive. She went missing for a few days when she was a teenager. She’d gone off with some boy she fancied and not bothered to tell anyone.’

  ‘She’s not a teenager now, though,’ Mum says doubtfully. ‘She’s a woman in her twenties with a job and responsibilities. If she wanted to go off with Dan, why wouldn’t she just tell us? What do you think, Ben?’

  Dad shrugs. ‘It’s hard to believe she’d go and leave all her stuff here.’

  ‘Go where?’ Olivia has appeared in the doorway in her nightie. ‘You’re talking about Sarah, aren’t you? Where’s she gone? Tell me.’

  ‘Bedtime, Olivia,’ says Dad. ‘We’re sure Sarah will be back soon.’

  24

  Sarah’s been missing for three days. Mum and Dad are talking a lot in hushed whispers.

  ‘Kate suggested we try her laptop again. She gave a few suggestions for passwords,’ Dad tells Mum.

  ‘I’ll try,’ says Mum. ‘One of her mates must know where she is.’

  The one person they need to contact is the
one they won’t even think of looking for. They need to speak to Richard.

  Dad puts on a Disney film for us when we’re all back from school. I don’t feel like watching it. I want to do something – I want to help find Sarah.

  Mum spends a while in Sarah’s room. She comes down sighing.

  ‘I checked and I’m sure all her stuff is still there, like we thought – her iPad, her clothes, her jewellery,’ Mum says. ‘I tried a few passwords for the laptop and would you believe it was “Jemma” and her birth date.’

  I am Sarah’s password! I get a painful ache in my chest. I wish they’d realise that I am also the real-life password to the information they need.

  ‘Well done!’ says Dad, impressed.

  ‘I searched her contacts and Facebook friends, but I can’t see Dan there, which is strange. She doesn’t use email much,’ Mum tells Dad. ‘I guess it’s all texts these days. But she’d sent messages to Rihanna and Emma. I’ve emailed both of them to see if they were with her on Saturday or if they know how to get in touch with Dan. The emails don’t mention the concert, but one to Rihanna mentions what a “cow” I’ve been to her lately.’ Mum’s voice cracks slightly. ‘I know we haven’t been getting on brilliantly. Surely things weren’t bad enough for her to walk out on us, though?’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ says Dad.

  I think about Dan trying to convince Sarah to leave me. She was tempted, I’m sure. She wasn’t as happy here as she used to be.

  The police arrive just after dinner. Two officers walk into the kitchen. They are both tall and with their uniforms the kitchen seems instantly too full. I see the man glance at me and then quickly look away, while the woman smiles as if she’s ignoring the tense atmosphere. It’s like the room itself is holding its breath.

  ‘I’ll put the television on for the children,’ Mum tells them. I wonder if I am going to be dispatched to the living room with Finn and Olivia.

  ‘Have you found Sarah?’ Olivia asks the policewoman.

  She shakes her head. ‘We’re trying our best,’ she says, and then introduces herself to us as PC Sahin.

  ‘You should look harder,’ Olivia tells them. ‘Dad found Finn with some chocolate finger biscuits. Maybe if we get something that Sarah really likes then that’ll make her come back. I know! She loves Glowlight. Maybe if we put their music on – or maybe we can even get the band to come here and put an announcement on the telly. She won’t want to miss that.’

  ‘Thanks for your help,’ PC Sahin says, smiling. ‘It’s nice to hear your ideas.’

  ‘So will you do it, then?’ Olivia demands.

  ‘Come on, Olivia,’ says Mum.

  Olivia hesitates. She’d love to stay just as I would – but she loves TV too and follows Mum. Finn goes with them. The police officers sit down at the kitchen table. They smile at me, but seem unsure whether to speak to me.

  ‘You must be worried about your carer,’ says PC Sahin.

  I certainly am. My head jolts back and an ‘ughhh’ noise comes out of me.

  ‘Is she compos mentis?’ the man, PC Hunt, asks Mum quietly as she comes back in.

  ‘Oh yes, but she can’t communicate. I wish she could – Sarah talks to her a lot.’

  ‘Not much use to us, then,’ PC Hunt mutters, screwing up his nose.

  I wish I could kick him.

  Mum looks at me and then makes tea for the police officers. She leaves me where I am. She’s decided I should be in on this – maybe because Sarah is my carer or maybe she feels bad about what the policeman just said.

  PC Hunt starts asking Mum questions. It’s all background stuff – how long Sarah’s been here, how the care is paid for. I have a question of my own: how is this going to help find her? Mum tells them about Dan, that she’s been trying to get hold of him.

  PC Hunt finally begins asking questions about the night Sarah went missing. But of course all Mum knows is that Sarah was going to the concert. She doesn’t know who with – she doesn’t think it was Dan. Emma and Rihanna replied to Mum’s email, but they didn’t know about the concert and haven’t heard from Sarah either. They also didn’t know much about Dan.

  ‘Most missing people reappear within forty-eight hours,’ PC Sahin tells Mum. ‘Now it is three days this is of course more concerning, but please try not to worry. We will pass the details to the Missing Persons Bureau, but we have classified her as “low risk”. The most likely thing is still that she has gone off of her own accord – that she’s with her boyfriend or some other friends.’

  ‘I really don’t know,’ says Mum. ‘Dan seems like a good sort to me. I don’t see why they’d go off together without telling us.’

  ‘We will try to trace Sarah’s phone,’ says PC Hunt, ‘and also speak to Dan. It’s a shame no one knows his last name.’

  It seems shifty to me that he isn’t on Facebook and Sarah’s friends don’t know him.

  The doorbell rings while the police are still talking things through.

  Mum goes to get the door, leaving the kitchen in silence. I recognise the voice, even though I’ve only met him a few times. It’s Richard. Is Sarah with him?

  ‘Is Sarah in?’ I hear him ask Mum.

  ‘Oh . . . Richard,’ says Mum. ‘No, she’s not –’

  ‘Her phone’s been off since the concert,’ Richard interrupts. ‘I’m a bit worried she’s not been in touch. Maybe I did something to upset her?’

  ‘She went to the concert with you?’ says Mum.

  ‘Yes! Who did you think she went with?’ says Richard. Then he pauses. ‘Wh-what’s wrong?’

  Mum lowers her voice as she explains to him what’s happened. I can’t hear his reaction, but the next moment Richard comes into the kitchen, blinking likes someone who’s come into a bright room from somewhere dark.

  He looks from PC Hunt to PC Sahin and back at Mum. He shuffles his feet. Then he glances back towards the front door as if he wishes he could make a fast getaway.

  Mum explains to the police about Richard being with Sarah at the concert. Richard begins to babble.

  ‘We met in town, went to the concert and afterwards I drove Sarah back here. She got out of the car and I watched her walk up the path to the front door. She had her door key out. I didn’t wait for her to go inside. I drove off. Oh my God! How could something happen to her at the front door?’

  ‘Do you remember what time you dropped her off ?’ PC Hunt asks him.

  ‘Oh . . . let me think. It must have been about half eleven.’

  ‘Are you sure she didn’t come in and then go out again?’ PC Sahin asks Mum.

  ‘I didn’t hear the door and it doesn’t look like she changed or anything. I really don’t think so.’

  I know she didn’t. I’d have heard the front door. But what Richard’s saying sounds so unlikely – he brought her back and she disappeared before coming inside. Can that really be true?

  PC Sahin turns to Richard. ‘And you didn’t have any kind of row? She wasn’t upset?’

  ‘No, we had a great time. She’s always smiling, Sarah. I don’t think I’ve seen her upset in the ten months we’ve been going out! We’ve never rowed – I can tell you that.’

  I see Mum’s eyebrows shoot up to her hairline. Her mouth drops open. She’s not sure what to say. As far as she’s concerned they split up three months ago, when Sarah started going out with Dan.

  PC Hunt turns to Mum. ‘I thought you said her boyfriend was called Dan?’

  ‘Dan?’ Richard repeats. ‘Who’s Dan?’

  Mum’s hand covers her eyes as if she wishes she could hide. She slowly takes a breath and then looks at Richard.

  Richard’s mouth is taut as Mum explains about Dan, his eyes still, staring at her and then at the wall.

  ‘I don’t believe it . . . I don’t believe it.’ His eyes are glassy now.

  He’s being so dramatic I begin to wonder if he knew already.

  I’d been worrying so much that Dan would find out about Richard, but what if Richard fou
nd out about Dan? Does that change things?

  ‘You appear to be last person who saw her, then,’ says PC Sahin.

  25

  There is still no news about Sarah. Four days. That’s double the time they said missing people usually turn up in.

  Finn is doing his head-banging thing more and more, and Olivia is having even more tantrums than usual. Mum’s put the TV on for them and they’re quiet for the time being, watching a kids’ series about aliens. I’m in the kitchen keeping Mum company while she cooks dinner. She seems to like having me close to her at the moment. I don’t think she likes being alone. Or maybe she’s worried about how I’m feeling without Sarah.

  Someone rings at the door and Mum hurries to open it. I hear Paula’s voice.

  ‘Lorraine! I heard about Sarah. The police came to speak to us. What do you think has happened to her?’

  ‘Come in, Paula,’ Mum says. ‘Have a cup of tea.’ Mum catches my eye as she leads Paula into the kitchen, with a look that says she could have done without Paula turning up.

  ‘The police think she’s gone off somewhere of her own accord,’ Mum says, pulling out a chair.

  Paula sits down.

  ‘You don’t mind if I carry on?’ Mum says, pointing to the chopping board, full of waiting carrots.

  ‘They said that when I first reported Ryan missing,’ says Paula. Mum stares at her and then glances at me.

  But Paula doesn’t seem to take the hint. ‘I said to Graeme, it’s strange that the police should come to us. Only a few doors apart. And so soon after my Ryan . . .’

  There’s a loud snap as Mum chops a carrot with extra force. I see her breathe in and compose herself. ‘Paula, I’m not sure what you’re –’

  ‘Do you think they’re linked? It . . . it can’t just be a coincidence.’

  Paula gives me an awkward glance – she’s clearly wondering if she should be saying all this in front of me. I swallow. I want her to keep talking. Even though what she’s implying has happened to Sarah is making my chest hurt, I want them to realise there is a connection – Dan and Sarah, Dan and Ryan. Dan.