Finn is home. He isn’t playing or lining things up either. He just sits rocking. I hope he is OK. I hope Olivia will be OK too.
45
The next morning, the hour and a half between Finn leaving for school and the time the sniff controller is due to arrive passes so slowly I wonder if the clock on the living-room wall has stopped. I’m starting to get a headache.
At last there is a ring at the door. He’s here!
Mr Fogel introduces himself and tells me it’s great to meet me. He says it with such enthusiasm it’s like I’m a celebrity or something. He’s short and tanned and speaks English with an American accent. He says I’ll be set up in no time.
‘No time’ turns out to be another hour. First he has to download the communication software on to Mum’s tablet. From the frown on his face I think he’s having problems. What if he can’t get it working? I hope I’ll be able to sniff OK – be able to work it. What if the other day was a fluke and this time I can’t do it at all? I try to practise while I wait. My headache gets worse.
‘When you’ve a moment, I’ve got some forms I need you to sign to say you’re happy for Jemma to be part of our research project,’ says Mr Fogel. ‘And then we’ll go through the records we need you to keep.’ He switches his gaze to me. ‘I wanted to try this out with someone with a disability like yours and it’s great to have the opportunity.’
I wish he’d get on with it. He has no idea about the urgency.
‘Here we go, sorry it’s taken so long,’ he says finally.
He puts the sensors into my nostrils and turns the screen so that I can see it.
‘Now, I know you’ve had a go at this – but not much chance to practise yet! We’ll start with the YES and NO screen. Big sniff when the cursor is on your choice of word. Are you ready?’
I am flummoxed for a moment. I wish my head would stop thumping. How do I tell him I’m ready? Then I realise. A big sniff !
‘YES,’ speaks the voice.
‘Great! Well done. Can you see the screen clearly enough?’
‘YES,’ I sniff.
Then we switch to the letter board. He gets me to spell a few words, which I do, slowly and carefully. I guess it may seem slow for someone listening, but I can do it! The thrill of it surges through me all over again. It’s like a kind of magic.
‘Would you mind if I asked Jemma some things in private?’ Mum asks.
‘Of course,’ says Mr Fogel. He smiles at me as he heads off towards the kitchen.
‘Jemma,’ Mum says softly. ‘Do you know why Olivia was threatening you?’
The seriousness of what I have to say brings me back down to earth.
‘YES,’ I sniff.
‘Please – tell me,’ says Mum.
I hesitate. I want to answer Mum, but I am not sure she is asking the most important question. I need to talk about Dan – and Sarah. Is it wrong to answer the question I want to answer rather than what Mum is asking? Will it confuse her? I feel panicky. I’m not used to having to make decisions like this!
I begin to spell. I select D. But when I try A I miss and get B so I’ve typed DB. How do I erase a letter? I panic. Then I remember there is an eraser key. I select it. Now I’m back to D. I wish I could do this faster. At last I have sniffed DAN.
‘Dan?’ Mum repeats, clearly confused.
I ignore her. I have to think how to do a space – yes – I’ve selected a space. I need to explain, but I want the fewest words. I spell RYAN hoping she will get what I mean. Sometimes I pass the letter I need and have to wait for the cursor to go round again. I know Mum is watching. I don’t know what she’s thinking. I have to concentrate. I select the microphone and the voice speaks, ‘DAN RYAN’ – although I know Mum has already read what I’ve typed. Hearing it aloud I feel suddenly overwhelmed. My head spins.
‘Dan Ryan?’ Mum repeats. Her eyes are wide. ‘Is this to do with Olivia?’
‘NO,’ I sniff.
‘You’re telling me something else. Am I right?’ Mum asks.
‘YES,’ I select, with relief.
Mum pulls her chair close to me. ‘Jemma, what are you trying to tell me about Dan and Ryan?’
‘KILL,’ I slowly sniff.
‘What? Dan killed Ryan?’ Mum asks. ‘Is that what you’re saying?’
‘YES,’ I sniff.
‘How do you know this?’
‘TOLD ME,’ I sniff.
‘Who told you?’
‘DAN,’ I sniff again. Then I carry on sniffing as I don’t want another question. Mum waits patiently.
‘KILL SARAH TOO.’
Mum’s eyes are even wider. ‘Jemma, wait. I need to call the police. I don’t want to make you tired – I know it’s a lot of effort. We’ll speak to the police together.’
Mum phones the local police station and explains. When she says, ‘Jemma has important information,’ I feel pleased. I just hope I can explain clearly and that they’ll believe me.
‘They’ll be here in half an hour,’ Mum tells me. ‘Do you want to rest?’
I am aware that I haven’t answered Mum’s question about Olivia. Although I’m tired and my head is spinning, that feels important too.
‘OLIVIA,’ I sniff.
‘You want to tell me about Olivia?’ Mum gives me an encouraging smile. ‘I’m all ears, Jemma.’
‘MONEY,’ I sniff.
‘Money?’ Mum frowns.
‘PURSE,’ I sniff.
Mum hasn’t got it yet. She’s frowning as she tries to piece it together. I’m not being clear enough – this is so hard!
‘Olivia took money from my purse?’ Mum says, at last.
‘YES,’ I sniff.
‘I thought money was going missing. I had no idea it was her . . . but why was she threatening you with a knife?’
‘I SAW,’ I sniff.
‘She thought you would tell me?’ Mum asks. ‘She was scared?’
‘SENT AWAY,’ I sniff.
‘She was scared she’d be sent away? What a mess!’ says Mum. ‘But we can’t keep her here after what happened.’
‘SAD,’ I sniff.
‘Yes, Jemma, I’m sad too. Do you know why she took the money?’
‘NO,’ I sniff.
Mum suddenly holds her head in her hands. She has tears in her eyes.
I feel bad. I didn’t want to make Mum cry.
‘Social services weren’t sure about placing her here, but I convinced them – I thought we could help her.’ It is Mum sniffing now. ‘Maybe this wasn’t the right place. And everything with Sarah – it means we’ve been giving her a lot less attention than she needs. What useless foster parents we are – we’re supposed to be keeping you all safe!’
No! I don’t want Mum to feel useless and sad!
‘YOU GOOD,’ I spell. ‘LOVE YOU.’
‘Thank you, Jemma. I love you too – so much. I’m going to phone Ben. I think he needs to be here. I still can’t take all this in.’
I’m thinking about Olivia, about how terrified she was of being sent away – so terrified that she pointed a knife at me. And now her worst fears might come true. I’m sure she didn’t mean to hurt me. I’m sure she wouldn’t do it again. When she first came, Olivia never really felt like part of our family, but now she does. Since she’s confided in me about things, I’ve started to feel like a big sister to her and now that I’d be able to talk to her, I could be that even more.
‘OLIVIA STAY,’ I tell Mum.
‘What? I’m not sure, Jemma. Not after what she did . . .’
‘STAY,’ I repeat. ‘FAMILY.’
Mum sighs and wipes her brow. She looks like she has a headache and I think her hands are shaking.
My own headache is getting worse. I wish someone would give me some painkillers. We wait. Then I suddenly realise – I can actually ask for some!
‘HEAD PAIN,’ I sniff.
‘Of course. I’ll get you some painkillers,’ says Mum.
I am stunned at how easy this is. I can com
municate! I really can! And I don’t have to stay in pain with no one knowing. This is huge!
46
While we wait for the police and for Dad, I have a break from sniffing. It takes a lot of effort. The painkillers start working. My headache is still there, but easing off.
Mr Fogel seems unsure what to do once Mum has explained what’s going on. He tells Mum he feels he should stay a while longer in case anything goes wrong with the sniff controller, but he doesn’t want to be in the way. Mum reassures him and makes him a cup of coffee. He comes to sit with me in the lounge and tells me more about his research, how he is a neurobiologist specialising in olfaction – which he says is all things to do with the nose and sense of smell. They came across the idea of sniffing as a means to control things purely by chance. I am fascinated.
‘I never imagined one day I’d be sitting with someone who is using the sniff controller to give a crucial witness statement to the police!’ he says, giving me a big smile.
Then Mum puts on the TV and Mr Fogel and I watch a programme about people who want to move to Australia.
Mum phones Olivia’s social worker to tell her what I said. She’s in the kitchen, but I can hear snippets. It sounds like Olivia can’t come back. I feel sad.
Dad’s home. Mum starts crying when she tells him about Olivia. He hugs her and then he comes and hugs me too, so tight I worry he might pull out the sensors in my nose.
‘I think I’m still in shock,’ Dad says.
The police arrive. They’re the same two that came when Sarah first went missing. Dad takes his newspaper into the kitchen for Mr Fogel to read while he waits. So I have Mum, Dad, PC Hunt and PC Sahin in the lounge with me. Mum explains to the police how the sniff controller works and that I have only just got it so haven’t had much practice.
‘Can you tell us what you told your mum?’ PC Sahin asks.
It is very slow, but now I see how I can use the predictive text, which makes it slightly quicker. Even so, by the time I’ve spelled a word, PC Hunt is already fidgeting impatiently.
‘DAN KILL RYAN,’ I sniff.
PC Sahin has been watching the screen, but she looks startled as the voice finally speaks my words.
‘And you know this because?’ she asks.
‘TOLD ME,’ I spell again.
‘Who told you?’ she asks.
‘DAN,’ I sniff. ‘WONT CATCH ME.’
‘Dan won’t catch you?’ PC Sahin asks.
I thought I was doing well – I’m definitely getting faster – but I’m frustrated now. ‘NO,’ I sniff. I try to think how to be clearer.
‘Ahh – are you telling us what Dan said?’ asks PC Sahin.
I am so relieved that she has understood. ‘YES,’ I sniff. ‘THEY WON’T CATCH ME.’
I can’t believe I have managed to say a whole sentence. Suddenly I remember the knife. I didn’t tell Mum that.
I sniff quickly before PC Sahin can ask another question.
‘KNIFE.’ Is that clear? She looks unsure, but Dad’s eyes light up.
‘I think I know what Jemma means – can I . . .?’ Dad begins.
‘I’d rather we ask the questions if you don’t mind. We have to make sure we don’t ask anything leading,’ says PC Hunt.
‘Oh, OK,’ says Dad.
‘You know something about a knife?’ PC Sahin asks me. ‘Can you tell me more about it?’
‘OLIVIA KNIFE,’ I sniff.
PC Hunt looks confused. I’m not explaining clearly enough. I wish I could talk more in whole sentences, but sniffing each letter is so much effort.
Dad can see I’m struggling and he ignores PC Hunt’s request to keep quiet. ‘Olivia found a knife in our garden,’ he says. ‘I’ll get it.’
I hear his footsteps leave and come back a few moments later. ‘Here.’
I can’t see because of the angle, but I assume Dad is giving PC Hunt the knife. I hear the rustle of plastic. ‘Just put it straight in here,’ says PC Hunt.
‘KNIFE RYAN,’ I sniff.
‘Does it look like the kind of knife that stabbed Ryan?’ Dad asks.
‘I couldn’t comment on that,’ says PC Hunt.
‘DANS KNIFE,’ I sniff.
‘Do you know that?’ PC Hunt asks.
‘THINK,’ I admit.
‘Jemma, when did Dan tell you he killed Ryan?’
There’s a tone in his voice as if he’s not sure he believes me.
When did he tell me? I can’t remember! It was weeks ago. Is it OK to say that?
‘WEEKS AGO,’ I sniff. I feel I need to explain more although it is taking a lot of effort.
‘Do you know anything about Sarah’s disappearance?’ PC Sahin asks.
What can I say?
‘DAN,’ I sniff.
‘You know Dan is responsible – or you think he might be?’
‘THINK,’ I sniff.
‘Do you know of any reason why Dan might be responsible?’
‘RICHARD,’ I sniff.
PC Sahin nods, thoughtfully.
All the energy has drained from me. I need a break. I hope there are not too many more questions.
‘TIRED,’ I sniff.
‘OK,’ says PC Sahin. ‘I think that’s enough questions for now.’
‘What happens next?’ Dad asks. ‘I mean, Jemma can’t sign a statement or anything.’
‘We’ll need you to bring Jemma to the station so we can film her answering these questions,’ PC Sahin explains. ‘The video evidence can be used in court if needed. You have been very helpful, Jemma – very helpful indeed.’
‘Well done, love,’ says Mum, stroking my arm.
‘TIRED,’ I sniff again.
‘You look washed out,’ Mum says, stroking my cheek. She turns to PC Sahin. ‘I really don’t think she can answer all these questions again now.’
‘How about you have a rest and come to the station after lunch?’ PC Sahin suggests.
‘Thank you, we’ll do that,’ says Mum.
‘GET DAN,’ I sniff.
‘We’ll certainly be making further enquiries,’ she assures me.
I’ve done it! I’ve told them – although I wish I didn’t have to do it all over again for the video. At least they are taking me seriously. The police will arrest Dan and they’ll find out what happened to Sarah. I feel ecstatic at being able to communicate something so important.
‘Do you want to have a lie-down?’ Mum asks, when they’ve gone.
‘YES,’ I sniff.
‘It’s so nice to be able to ask you what you want rather than decide for you,’ she says as she wheels me into my bedroom.
But lying there on my bed, I couldn’t sleep. My head felt like it was full of bees buzzing round and round. I couldn’t switch off until I knew the police had locked Dan up.
I heard Mr Fogel leave and wished I’d said goodbye to him properly and told him how grateful I was – though I could hear Mum and Dad thanking him again and again.
By the time I’d been to the police station with Mum and gone through all the questions again, I felt like I’d got nothing left. I wish I’d managed to ask if they’d arrested Dan yet, but answering the questions used up all my energy.
As we left the police station, we passed a police car arriving. Maybe Dan was in it – I wish I could have seen.
Back home I was able to ask to lie down again. Mum took out the sniff controller tube and that time I fell asleep instantly.
Now I’m awake, and I have no idea how much time has passed. I can hear Mum’s voice. I think she’s in the kitchen on the phone. I try to listen, but I can’t hear what Mum’s saying or work out who she’s talking to. Is it the police?
Mum doesn’t come. I’m lying here, waiting and waiting.
Finally her head appears round the door.
‘I was feeling impatient wondering what was happening,’ she tells me, ‘so I called the station.’ She smiles. ‘They’ve got him, Jemma! The police have got Dan. They’re questioning him now.’
&
nbsp; I’m so relieved. They’ve got him! I wish I could have seen his face when he opened the door to them.
But what about Sarah?
47
Mum sits me up gently and moves me into my wheelchair. She pushes me into the lounge before connecting the sniff controller. It takes a few tries to get the tube up my nose properly. ‘We’ll get some kind of clamp so we can attach the tablet to your chair,’ she tells me as she props it up on a tray so I can see it. I am impatient, eager to ask about Sarah.
‘SARAH?’ I finally sniff.
‘No news yet,’ says Mum, ‘but give them a chance, Jemma. Would you like a drink? I’m going to make myself a cup of tea.’
‘WATER,’ I sniff. It still feels incredible to be able to ask for things.
I think about Dan, imagining him being questioned. I hope he’s squirming in his chair, stuck for words. I’d love him to know what it’s like when you can’t speak. I hope he’s scared too – really scared.
Mum brings the drinks, sits down near me and helps me drink the water from a straw.
‘It must have been terrible for you,’ she says as she sips her tea, ‘knowing all that and not being able to tell us.’
‘YES,’ I sniff slowly.
‘And we were all taken in by him, apart from you.’
‘YES,’ I sniff. Though I know if I had been able to talk, Dan would never have shared his secret with me.
‘SARAH?’ I ask again, after dinner.
‘I’ll phone the station and see if there’s any update,’ Mum tells me.
‘WANT,’ I sniff.
‘What do you want, Jemma?’ she asks.
‘HEAR,’ I continue.
‘Of course,’ says Mum. She fiddles with the phone, turning on the loudspeaker.
I wait while Mum gets through to PC Hunt.
‘We wondered if there was any news about Sarah,’ Mum asks.
‘Well,’ says PC Hunt, ‘we’ve talked to Dan Harris, but unfortunately we’ve found no reason to hold him.’
‘Oh?’ says Mum.
‘He has an alibi for the evening Ryan was killed and we have no other evidence against him. There is nothing to indicate he is connected with Sarah’s disappearance either. He has an alibi for that night too. So we’ve had to let him go.’
I Have No Secrets Page 15