‘Goodness,’ says Mum.
My breath comes fast. I don’t believe it. The police have made a mistake. Dan must’ve lied about his alibis. I know he did it. I know!
‘But Jemma was so sure,’ Mum says quietly. ‘I don’t believe she was making it up.’
‘It wasn’t exactly your average witness statement,’ PC Hunt says. ‘She’s never spoken before. Maybe she got overexcited – started making up stories. Maybe it’s all jumbled in her head.’
He doesn’t believe a word I said! He’d rather believe Dan. Making up stories . . . jumbled in her head. How dare he say that?
Mum glances at me and I think she’s wishing she hadn’t put the loudspeaker on. I hope she doesn’t turn it off now.
‘TRUE,’ I sniff to Mum. ‘WAS DAN.’
‘I think Jemma believed what she told you to be true,’ Mum tells PC Hunt. ‘Dan may have been having a laugh with her, but I’m sure Jemma heard what she says she heard.’
‘You know her best, of course, but like I said – it’s a weird situation. Perhaps she just wanted something dramatic to say. She’s a teenager, after all.’
Even Mum is speechless at this. I can speak, but I don’t know what to say either.
‘What about the knife?’ Mum suddenly asks. ‘Was it the one that killed Ryan?’
‘The knife will be tested,’ PC Hunt tells her.
‘And Sarah?’ asks Mum.
‘Sarah remains on the missing persons list. Hopefully in time she will make contact. We’ll keep you informed.’
Mum comes off the phone and looks at me. ‘Are you all right, Jemma?’
I am seething. I want this tube out of my nose – but I don’t feel like sniffing, not even to say that. How can he have an alibi? It must be a lie. Why can’t the police see through him? They’d rather believe him than me – just because I’m in a wheelchair and he’s standing on his own two feet. I know I’m right. The way PC Hunt spoke about me was utterly humiliating.
‘Jemma?’ Mum asks again.
I don’t answer. I’m not sniffing again, not ever. I have nothing more to say.
48
‘Jemma’s had a shock,’ I hear Mum saying. It’s the next morning and she’s on the phone to Mr Fogel. ‘I’m not sure if she’s stopped trying to sniff or whether the sniff controller’s stopped working,’ she tells him. There’s a pause. ‘OK,’ Mum says. ‘I’ll contact you in a few days. We’ll see what happens. Thank you.’
Surely Mum realises. She doesn’t really think it’s broken, does she?
At breakfast Dad tries to encourage me to speak. I don’t. I won’t. Breakfast is very quiet. No Sarah and no Olivia either. I miss her – in a weird way I even miss her tantrums.
After breakfast, Finn has his box of matchsticks and is lining them up against the kitchen wall when he accidentally steps on the box and the matches spill. He is horrified, frantically trying to pick them up and put them back, but he’s trying to do it too fast and some of them spill out again.
This is how I feel – like everything’s spilling out, all over the place. Like Finn, I want life to all be straight lines for a change.
‘Here, let me help you, Finn,’ Dad says gently. Finn doesn’t react, but he doesn’t stop Dad either. Soon the matches are all back in the box and Finn goes back to lining them up.
‘Jemma,’ Dad says, sitting beside me and touching my arm. ‘You told the police what you knew. It isn’t your fault that Dan lied to you. What he did was very unkind.’
Unkind. I still can’t believe it was a lie – not when I think about what he said when he learned there might be a way for me to communicate.
‘Don’t let that spoil things. You can talk to us, Jemma! It’s incredible. Don’t let Dan or the police take that away.’
They’re not taking it away. I just don’t want to do it any more. That’s all.
By the evening there is no further news and I am still not sniffing. Dad phones Kate, but she has nothing to report.
‘Talk to me, Jemma,’ Mum begs, as she clears up from dinner. ‘Tell me how you’re feeling. I know it must be tough.’
She has no idea how tough. And no, I’m not talking, not to anyone.
‘What would cheer you up?’ Mum asks.
Dan in prison, finding Sarah, everything getting back to normal – but that’s not going to happen, is it? Nothing will cheer me up.
By bedtime I have still not sniffed at all.
‘What about Jodi?’ Mum suggests gently, putting an arm round my shoulder. ‘Would you like to see her?’
My sister. I don’t feel like talking, but maybe . . . Jodi. That’s different. Now that Mum’s said it, I know she’s right. Mum has said the only thing that might possibly make me feel a little better.
But she’s given up waiting for me to answer. She’s stood up and is walking out of the room.
‘YES,’ I sniff.
49
I am waiting for Jodi. Yesterday passed so slowly and now she’s late and I’m scared she’s changed her mind. Apart from sniffing ‘YES’ to seeing Jodi, I have kept quiet. Dad’s attached the tablet to my wheelchair with a clamp so I can speak whenever I want to, but I still don’t feel like talking. I’m not even sure I’m going to talk to Jodi. I want to see her, though.
We wait. Where is she? She was meant to be here half an hour ago.
Mum looks at her watch. ‘I’ll text her in a minute if she’s still not arrived,’ she tells me.
Then I hear the bell, and Mum goes to answer the door.
‘Hi, Jodi,’ I hear her say.
‘So sorry I’m late!’ Jodi replies.
‘Don’t worry. Jemma will be delighted that you’re here,’ says Mum. ‘Come through.’
‘I’m a bit nervous,’ I hear Jodi say. ‘This sniff thing – how does it work? Will I need to do anything?’
I don’t want Jodi to be nervous.
‘It’s easy,’ says Mum. ‘Jemma does it all! We’ll show you. She might not say much, though.’
Finally they come in from the hallway. Mum points Jodi towards the sofa.
She turns me so I’ll be facing Jodi, who sits down a little awkwardly.
‘Hi, Jemma. So sorry I’m late! The bus took forever – the traffic was terrible.’
‘I’ll get you a drink,’ Mum tells her. ‘What would you like? Tea? Coke?’
‘Coke, please,’ says Jodi.
Mum goes out. Jodi leans towards me. ‘Now, show me how this thing works,’ she says. ‘I’m so excited that you can speak!’
Her excitement is infectious. My lovely sister is here and I can talk to her. I want to – I really do.
‘HAPPY,’ I sniff slowly.
‘Wow! That’s so cool,’ she says, watching patiently as the letters appear and the voice finally speaks. ‘I’m so happy to see you too, Jemma!’
There’s an awkward pause. I guess it’s my turn to speak. What do I say? My mind goes blank. Maybe Jodi will say something else – but she doesn’t. I have to say something. Now I understand what Professor Spalding meant about learning to speak. Even though I can think clearly and my thoughts just come into my head with no effort, with speech I have to decide what to say and choose the words. And then with AAC I need to find the shortest words, to use the least effort to express what I want to say. I feel panicky. I say the only thing that comes into my head.
‘SAD SARAH,’ I tell Jodi. It takes me a long time to get all this out.
‘Sarah’s sad? No, you’re sad about Sarah? You must miss her so much.’
‘YES,’ I sniff. Jodi gets it – she understands me!
There’s another pause. Jodi’s not saying anything. I realise I should ask her something, but I can’t think what.
‘Actually, I’ve had quite a week myself,’ she tells me. ‘I split up with Jack. We’d only been going out for a month, but I really liked him. He went off with another girl from my class.’
‘IDIOT,’ I sniff and Jodi bursts out laughing. It’s brilliant that I can
make her laugh.
‘NEW BOY,’ I sniff.
Jodi smiles. ‘I need a new boyfriend? Yes, actually there is a boy I’ve got my eye on . . . He’s in the year above.’
‘GOOD LUCK,’ I sniff.
‘Ha ha – thanks!’ Jodi grins. ‘I’ll let you know how it goes! Is there anyone you fancy, Jemma?’
I am about to sniff ‘no’ but then I remember. Actually, there is.
‘LEO GLOWLIGHT,’ I tell her.
‘You like Glowlight too! You’re right. He’s awesome!’ Jodi laughs.
A strange snort comes from my throat. I think I am actually laughing too!
‘LOVE YOU JODI,’ I sniff.
‘I love you too, Jemma,’ Jodi tells me. ‘It’s so cool that we can talk properly now!’
Mum comes back with a Coke for Jodi and an apple juice for me. She’s taken a while – maybe she was just giving us some time to talk. She puts the straw in my cup and holds it up.
‘I can do that,’ says Jodi.
‘I’ll leave you to it, then,’ says Mum, smiling. ‘Just call me if you need anything.’
Mum’s gone. Jodi holds my cup and eases the straw into my mouth. I sip.
She puts the drink down. She is quiet again. I’m tired from all the sniffing, but I don’t want to stop. Only I’m not sure what to say.
‘FIND SARAH,’ I sniff.
‘It must be awful not knowing what’s happened,’ says Jodi. She strokes my hand. ‘I wish there was something I could do to help, but I think you’ll have to leave it to the police.’
‘NO GOOD,’ I tell her.
She laughs. ‘It’s their job – I’m sure they’re trying their best.’
‘WE FIND HER,’ I sniff. ‘YOU ME.’
‘But . . . how?’
‘TRY,’ I sniff.
‘OK, then.’ Jodi sighs and leans forward. ‘You must’ve known Sarah so well, better than anyone, maybe. Think about everything you know, Jemma. Tell me if you can think of anything – anything – at all that might help.’
I think hard. I love it that Jodi is listening. But what do I know that I haven’t already told the police?
‘SARAH LOVE DAN,’ I sniff. I’m pleased that I’m already getting faster at it, though it still takes me a long time.
‘OK . . .’ she says, frowning.
‘DAN BAD MAN,’ I sniff.
‘But he didn’t kill Ryan,’ says Jodi.
‘DID,’ I sniff, ‘AND HE GOT SARAH.’
‘Come on, then.’ She smiles. ‘How are we going to prove it? What else do you know?’
I try to remember everything I know about Dan, every time that he came to the house. The things he said to me flash through my head, making me shudder. What do I know that could help? Surely there’s something, but I just can’t think.
Jodi sits waiting, fiddling with a pretty ring on her finger. Her phone starts buzzing. She looks at it and switches it off. ‘Nothing important,’ she says, smiling.
I have a sudden memory – Dan standing in here, his mobile ringing. Billy – it was Billy. Could he know something?’
‘DAN FRIEND BILLY,’ I sniff.
‘Do the police know about him?’ Jodi asks.
‘NO,’ I sniff. I don’t know for certain, but I don’t think so.
‘What do you know about Billy?’ she asks.
I remember what Sarah called him. ‘BILLY NO BRAINS.’
Jodi laughs. ‘Oh yeah?
‘BIG HEAD BIG BRAIN?’
‘Big heads don’t always equal big brains, Jemma,’ Jodi laughs.
‘DAN PHONE BILLY,’ I continue.
‘You heard him? What did he say?’
I try to remember. It wasn’t anything that interesting or it would have stuck in my mind. Then it comes to me. ‘BEHIND THE CO OP.’
‘Interesting,’ says Jodi. ‘What do you think he meant was behind the Co-op?’
‘DON’T KNOW,’ I sniff. This is hard work. I can’t keep sniffing like this. It’s wearing me out. But then I have another thought. ‘YOU ME GO.’
‘Go where?’
‘CO OP,’ I sniff. ‘NOT FAR.’
‘You really think this might be important?’
‘YES.’
Jodi smiles at me. ‘OK, then.’
50
She goes into the kitchen and asks Mum if she can take me for a walk. Mum sounds pleased and a minute later she comes in with my coat.
‘Don’t be out too long. It still gets dark so early. Oh, and if you pass the Tesco Local, would you mind picking up a few onions for me?’ Mum asks her. ‘Here, I’ll give you the money.’
‘Sure,’ says Jodi. ‘I’ve never pushed a wheelchair before,’ she adds, suddenly sounding nervous. I hope she’s not going to change her mind.
‘Jemma’s well strapped in,’ Mum tells her. ‘Going up and down kerbs is the only tricky thing. Come outside and I’ll give you a demo.’
Soon we are off ! I am out with my sister. I jerk the first couple of times we go down a kerb, but then Jodi gets the hang of it. She seems to be enjoying it. She starts to run, pushing me fast so the wind zooms past my face. This is great!
I direct her to the Co-op. It’s not near the Tesco Local, but we can get Mum’s onions there. Left then second right. Then all the way to the other end of the road and left. She stops at each junction and I tell her which way to go. It’s not complicated, but I hope I’m doing it right. I’ve only been there a couple of times – and I’ve never given directions before.
To my relief, the Co-op comes into view. This part of town is a bit run-down and dingy. There are some parades of terraced houses, but it’s mostly flats, warehouses and office blocks. Some of the buildings look derelict and have boarded-up windows. Others have scaffolding round them. There are very few people around. I start to feel nervous. The tablet attached to my wheelchair might look very tempting to a thief. And I got so carried away with the idea of coming here, I didn’t actually think about what we’d do when we got here.
Jodi stops outside the Co-op. ‘What now, Jemma?’
I don’t know what to say. Jodi turns me right and left so I can see in both directions. It doesn’t help much. Jodi stops, and I stare at the door to the Co-op, thinking. Then I remember what Dan said.
‘BEHIND,’ I sniff.
‘OK – here we go,’ she says.
Round the back of the Co-op there are bins. Lots of bins. Some of them are overflowing.
‘Hmmm,’ says Jodi. She turns me slowly so I can see all the way round.
There is the delivery entrance for the Co-op, a few spaces for cars to park. Not much else. No houses or buildings or any sort of place that could hold a clue.
‘Shall we go?’ Jodi asks me.
I am about to sniff ‘YES’. This was a stupid idea and I wish we’d never come. What Dan said to Billy, it was the only thing I could remember and I thought it might mean something. That was ridiculous, wasn’t it? But I am reluctant to leave.
‘TURN,’ I ask.
‘OK.’
Again Jodi turns me. There’s a passageway between two tall buildings. It looks dark and uninviting, but I think we should investigate. It’s hard for me to get Jodi to stop in the right place so she’ll see where I mean.
‘Well?’ she asks.
‘TURN,’ I repeat.
She turns me twice more and I am starting to feel giddy before we are finally pointing in the right direction.
‘THAT WAY,’ I sniff.
‘OK,’ she says. ‘We’ll have a look and then we’ll go.’
The buildings tower above us as Jodi pushes me along the path between them, their flat roofs merging with the grey-black of the late afternoon sky. I feel very small. There is no pavement so I hope no cars choose this moment to appear. We come out into a narrow yard with a row of run-down garages. A few have closed doors, but some are hanging off and some have no doors at all. The nearest open one has stacks of bricks inside and another has a pile of wooden planks. Jodi pushes me nearer. There i
s a smell like unclean toilets. It’s getting darker too.
‘I don’t like it here,’ says Jodi. ‘Can we go now?’
I don’t like it here either, but I’m reluctant to leave. I can’t exactly ask Jodi to look in those creepy garages. ‘YES,’ I tell her. ‘SORRY.’
‘It’s OK,’ she says. ‘It was worth a look, if you thought it might be important. I’m not sure what we were looking for, though.’
She is pushing me back towards the passage when I hear a sound behind us – a clang of metal – but Jodi doesn’t seem to hear and I can’t turn to look. We’re moving so I can’t tell her to stop. It was probably nothing.
We’re nearly at the gap between the buildings when I hear voices – men’s voices. They’re coming from the path we are heading to – and they are getting closer. Jodi instinctively pulls me back and round the side of the garages so they won’t see us. I suddenly feel very vulnerable. What if they find us?
I want to know what’s happening, but Jodi doesn’t dare risk putting her head out in case she is seen. I hope I can keep quiet – I can’t help making sounds sometimes. The more I think about trying to keep quiet the more I worry a sound will come out. I try not to think about it – to focus on listening as the voices come nearer.
‘I don’t like it,’ says one man. ‘It’s gone on too long.’
The voice sounds familiar. It could be Billy – it sounds like him, though the tone is anxious, not relaxed like when I met him. It could easily be a stranger.
‘Quit whining,’ says another voice.
That’s Dan. Now I’m sure it’s Billy too. I can barely breathe.
‘You’ve gotta let her go, man!’ says Billy, pleadingly. ‘We . . . we can’t just keep her . . .’
‘I told you to shut it! I’ll sort it, right?’ says Dan.
‘What . . . what do you mean?’ says Billy.
‘Don’t know why you’re scared after what you . . .’
I don’t catch the end of the sentence. They’re moving away from us now. I hear the clink of keys. Then the sound of one of the garage doors lifting and going down again.
I’ve got to get Jodi to call the police. She’s got to do it quickly. But my breathing’s gone all weird and I can’t sniff. I get a surge of panic.
I Have No Secrets Page 16