Guilty

by Siobhan MacDonald

  ‘This isn’t a fridge-freezer or a flatscreen TV we’re talking about here, Alison.’

  ‘No, of course not,’ she said briskly. ‘I know that. I’m really excited about it all, aren’t you?’

  ‘I’m apprehensive, if the truth be told,’ he said. ‘And we need to let the orphanage know in the morning which child we want to see again tomorrow afternoon.’

  ‘Well, that’s an easy one, isn’t it?’ Alison smacked her lips together, having applied a slick of red gloss.

  ‘It is.’

  The time had come to set his plan in motion.

  A knock sounded on Terence’s door. Luke stopped talking and looked at Terence. The therapist’s face creased. He turned his eyes to the door waiting for another knock to come. When it did he got to his feet with a look of apology. The door ajar, Luke heard the receptionist saying the next client had arrived and had been waiting some time.

  He got to his feet. ‘It’s OK, Terence, we’ll continue this later …’

  Terence looked over his shoulder. ‘You’re sure? It’s not really where I’d like to leave things.’

  ‘I’m positive.’

  ‘All right, if you’re comfortable with it. We’ll do lunchtime tomorrow or the day after. Whatever suits.’

  Pinky Promise

  It was three more days before Luke made it back to Terence’s office. Not because events conspired against him. The delay was deliberate. Luke was loath to establish any discernible patterns of behaviour through leaving the hospital at the same time every day. He sensed his movements were being watched.

  ‘Sorry we were cut short last time,’ Terence apologised, knocking against the rubber plant in the rattan container as he made his way to his chair, notebook in hand.

  ‘Not at all. I appreciate you squeezing me in,’ said Luke. ‘Just as well I headed back to the hospital when I did the last day. A colleague was called to a family emergency and I had to step in.’

  ‘OK, so where were we?’ Terence checked his notes. ‘Ah, yes. You were telling me how you’d agreed on the child you wished to adopt.’

  ‘Not quite.’

  ‘Oh?’

  Even now, as Luke recalled what happened, it gave him satisfaction. He closed his eyes. He travelled back to fifteen years ago. To Moscow.

  ‘What do you think – Raisa Forde or Raisa Forde-Thompson?’ Alison was dabbing perfume on her wrists in the hotel room.

  ‘Neither.’

  She turned to him, surprised.

  ‘What do you mean? I saw the way you looked at her. She was the prettiest child there by far. So many of those poor unfortunates are odd-looking in some way. Come on, Luke. I know you liked her too.’

  ‘It’s not a beauty contest, Alison. Remember all our prep sessions. All the hazards and difficulties that arise because of a lack of bonding from infancy, trauma, poor nutrition—’

  ‘Oh sure, I know her teeth are bad. That’s not a big problem, we can always get those fixed. And maybe she’s a bit short-sighted …’

  ‘That’s not why her eyes look like that. I’m glad you noticed it, though. That poor child’s eyes are like that because she hasn’t been socialised enough. Didn’t you notice how she didn’t make eye contact with anyone? She wasn’t capable of doing so. If I’m not mistaken, there are psychological problems there as well. I’m not for one moment saying that we shouldn’t adopt her because of that, but we both need to be sure what we’re taking on here. We won’t know the full extent of any difficulty until she’s back at home with us. But if that’s something you want to take on, Alison, I’ll support you one hundred per cent.’

  Alison sat on the edge of the bed, the weight of his words sinking in, a frown forming on her forehead. He continued on while he had her attention.

  ‘Contrast Raisa’s behaviour with that little girl who of her own accord, without any prompting, made her way over to us.’

  ‘The little snotty creature in that dreadful coat?’

  ‘The child with the undone shoelace, yes.’

  ‘But that child isn’t even on the list.’

  Luke smiled at this.

  ‘Considering all the strings that have been pulled to get us this far, I’m sure that won’t prove a problem. Surely you noticed how engaged that little girl was with her surroundings? How curious she was? She’d pick up English in no time. You heard the supervisor saying she was one of the clever ones. Imagine all the fun we could have.’

  ‘You think?’ Alison looked dubious. ‘I know it sounds shallow, but good Lord, she’s not one bit photogenic. And what a horrible squint the poor child has.’

  ‘As you said, all things that can be easily fixed. A correctional eye patch, a good haircut. But psychological damage, that’s not my area.’

  He felt awful saying this but he knew what he had to do to get her to change her mind.

  ‘Yeah, I see what you are saying …’

  ‘Maybe when we return to the orphanage tomorrow, we should at least ask to see Nina Yelena’s profile.’

  ‘Who?’ Alison arched her eyebrows. ‘Nina Yelena. That was what the supervisor called her, you didn’t hear?’

  ‘I didn’t notice,’ said Alison flatly. She cleared her throat. ‘All right. I know we don’t want to take on a situation we can’t manage. And perhaps I was a bit hasty … It’s just that, well, I felt a connection, you know.’

  ‘I know.’

  Luke had felt it too. But not with the pretty blonde-haired child. He’d felt it with the child swimming in a winter coat far too big for her. The child in the ill-fitting shoes, with the bad hair and the squint in her eye. He felt it with Nina.

  A flurry of phone calls took place between Seanie Higgins and Alison, and Nina Yelena’s name made it on to the list of children approved for upcoming adoption. In this endeavour, Seanie Higgins took a wide interpretation of his role as diplomatic trade ambassador.

  It was uncomfortable territory for Luke. He didn’t ask questions, preferring instead the comfort of ignorance. Before they’d left for Moscow, their preparatory group had looked at them in wonder on learning that they had been cleared for adoption. Luke and Alison had received the paperwork to proceed, ahead of many other couples, some of whom had been waiting for years.

  Over the next three days, Luke and Alison were driven to the orphanage to spend time alone with Nina. Alison brought the play kit she’d packed to help them get to know their prospective child and have some fun.

  In a see-through Ziplock bag she’d packed playing cards with cartoon characters, a small draughtsboard and draughts, some coloured paper and crayons, and two Ladybird books, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty.

  Alison demonstrated how the game of draughts worked by playing first with Luke. Every time Alison took one of Luke’s draughts, she whooped. He pretended to be upset. Nina looked from one to the other ponderously at first, not quite sure what to make of the interaction. Luke then took some of Alison’s draughts. He winked and smiled at Nina. She soon figured out the game.

  It came to Nina’s turn to play against Luke. As she studied the board, Alison held the child’s hair back from her eyes, toying with it, as if figuring how best to improve her hairstyle. Alison angled her head this way and that, examining Nina. She smiled at Luke when she caught him looking. Nina squealed with delight when Luke let her win her first game of draughts.

  Nina pointed at Alison, signalling that it was her turn to play. The second game ended much more quickly, Nina’s response not quite as ebullient as before. Alison won. Luke shook his head, laughing at his wife’s competitive streak.

  The Ladybird books were an instant hit. Nina’s eyes devoured the pages, her blunt fingers rubbing over Cinderella’s ballgown. As Luke read to her aloud, her eyes moved from him to the pages and back again. Though the child didn’t understand a word, she looked enthralled. When Luke came to the last page of the colourful storybook, he closed the hardback cover with a satisfied smile.

  ‘So, Nina Yelena, what do you make of that for
a story?’

  The little girl clapped her hands and uttered something Luke didn’t understand. He looked at the supervisor who sat behind them on a stiff-back chair in the green-walled room.

  ‘Again,’ said the supervisor. ‘She wants you to read it again.’

  Luke smiled at Nina.

  ‘Really? You want me to read it again?’

  She nodded vigorously.

  Alison smiled at Luke. ‘Go ahead,’ she said as she took her mobile phone out of her bag.

  This time when Luke came to the page where the handsome prince awakens and rescues the sleeping girl, Nina pointed a squat little finger to the prince. Then she pointed to Luke. He threw back his head and laughed. He decided to play along. He liked being compared to a prince.

  ‘And Alison …?’

  He pointed to Alison. She was busy texting. Nina took the book from him. She started to turn the pages. Then she stopped. She pointed at Cinderella’s stepmother and then she looked at Alison. Luke could understand it. Alison’s hair was dark, she wore red nail varnish, and her lips were glossy red. But there the similarity ended.

  He looked at Nina and raised his eyebrows. He spotted something else he liked. Mischief. There was a glint in her eyes and one corner of her mouth turned up. She was having a joke at his expense. With an inward chuckle, he shook his head. He moved her finger away from the wicked queen. Amusing as the incident was, he was glad Alison hadn’t noticed.

  Two days later, with all the paperwork in place, he and Alison were due to fly back home. They’d taken lots of photos. Nina smiling broadly on Alison’s knee. Nina smiling as Alison hugged her. The photos of Luke and Nina not quite so good.

  Luke found the idea of waiting for five months difficult enough to accept without having to explain it to a little child, three-anda-half years old. Nina sat with wide eyes and listened closely as the supervisor explained that her new mummy and daddy would return to the orphanage in five months’ time.

  Through the supervisor, Luke explained that they were building a brand new home specially for her, all made out of glass blocks. He sketched a picture of what their new house would look like and gave it to her. Just before he left, he bent down to hug her. He whispered softly in her ear, ‘I’m very glad you chose me to be your daddy. And I’ll be back for you very soon … Pinky promise?’

  She looked at him, confused. He took her little finger, entwining it around his own.

  ‘There, Nina, just like that.’ He smiled. ‘Now it’s a promise that can’t ever be broken. Never ever. No matter what.’

  ‘Pinky promise,’ she repeated, not sure what it meant but from the look in her eyes she understood it was something very important.

  ‘See you soon, sweetie,’ said Alison. She blew Nina a kiss and waved.

  ‘The next five months are going to be difficult,’ Luke said back in the car.

  ‘I know,’ said Alison, fixing her make-up.

  Terence sneezed.

  ‘Excuse me,’ he said, pulling a tissue from the box and blowing his nose. ‘It’s hard to imagine you had your choice of child back then.’

  Luke nodded in agreement.

  ‘I think the adoption protocols were very different fifteen years ago,’ he told Terence. ‘The rules changed on a whim. Russia halted adoptions to the US because of sanctions the US imposed. And they wouldn’t allow adoption to countries with same-sex marriage.’

  ‘It sounds like you and Alison were pretty fortunate your adoption story ended happily.’

  ‘Oh, but that’s where you’re wrong, Terence,’ Luke responded. ‘It didn’t.’

  A Time to Share

  The night before, Luke had tossed and turned in bed. He’d pictured himself hanging on a rope over a canyon. It was time to make a move. Should he struggle on to the other side, or should he let go and face the consequences? Eventually, he decided what he would do. And it turned out to be the first night in months that the white bird did not come to visit him.

  ‘Did I miss a beat somewhere?’

  Terence looked puzzled.

  ‘What I told you about visiting the orphanage,’ Luke replied, ‘that was only the start of it.’

  ‘Carry on.’ The therapist reached for his pen. ‘I might take some notes.’

  ‘Well, as you might have gathered, I was smitten,’ Luke began, ‘by this intense, clever kid we met in Moscow. Flattered I guess that she had chosen me. I clicked with Nina straightaway. But Alison … well … I guess she was just a little more …’ he paused, searching for a word, ‘… circumspect, knowing what a change it would be to her life.’

  Terence scribbled something.

  ‘I was really dreading the five months before we could return so I got stuck into preparing for exams when we returned home to County Clare. An opening for a consultant’s position had come up at St Matthew’s University Hospital and I was confident if the panel interview went well, I was in with a chance.’

  Terence looked up.

  ‘Alison, she was supportive. She was busy as well. Setting up the Thompson Consulting PR company with her business partner, Roddy Gilligan. And decorating the new house, of course.’

  Luke didn’t share how Cornelius persisted on joking about the arrival of Putin’s lovechild. Luke couldn’t wait to move out of Crow Hall and into the Glasshouse, even though the interior designers were still tinkering about their unfinished home.

  ‘Building your own home, changing jobs, and the arrival of a child are all recognised stress points in a person’s life,’ Terence offered.

  ‘Oh, Alison wasn’t stressed by any of that,’ Luke responded. ‘She was thrilled with the new house.’

  She’d even persuaded him to pose with her for the cover of an interiors magazine.

  ‘Everything was going according to plan. Neither of us had any inkling how fucked up it was all going to get.’

  The walls of Terence’s office suddenly felt like they were moving closer. Luke felt beads of perspiration on his forehead.

  ‘All right, Luke. Take a breath.’

  He closed his eyes. He took a moment. ‘If I could wind the clock back,’ he whispered. ‘Wind the clock the whole way back. It all started with that awful dinner party. The one we had in the Glasshouse before the paint had even dried …’

  Just a small gathering of hospital staff for a casual Friday-night supper, no big deal, Alison said. She’d invited them all without telling him. Now they’d all feel obliged to return the social invite. Luke could kiss goodbye to at least a further five or six other nights of his precious free time. He’d be forced to make small talk when he’d rather be out on Lough Carberry or fixing up his basement.

  The evening was excruciating. His dining companions were his peers, Hugh Smyth and his wife Miriam, Johnny Whelan and his companion who looked no more than sixteen, and two consultants who were tipped to be on the panel to assess candidates for the post of consultant cardiothoracic surgeon. Miriam Smyth drank a little too much and had to be helped to the car at the end of the evening.

  There was little subtlety in Alison’s efforts to advance Luke’s career and he was mortified. Rather than take her to task for what she perceived as being helpful, Luke resolved to be more careful in future in what he told her.

  Shortly after the dinner party, he had his panel interview. He left it feeling happy. He was ready and competent for the post. It would be a while before the panel would let him know. There were other candidates for them to see that day. Alison said they were external candidates in the main and she pronounced herself confident the job was his. How Alison came by this information baffled him.

  In the meantime, there was another tedious social engagement to get through. Hugh and Miriam Smyth had invited Luke and Alison to their home to celebrate their daughter’s first communion. Luke found such occasions a chore, but Alison said it would be helpful to know how to host a kids’ party. And so on a Saturday afternoon in May they set out for Hugh’s, driving a small Mercedes, one of Cornelius’s favourite cars
. His father-in-law had many penchants, all of which he indulged.

  ‘Nice view,’ Alison remarked as they stopped at the crest of the hill outside Hugh’s place. ‘Shame about the house.’ The house was an awkward, seventies-style, split-level build with large windows. Luke and Alison sat in the car, engine running, as they waited for Miriam to untie the gates. Children raced about the garden and Luke could make out the garish turrets of a bouncy castle.

  ‘Sorry about this,’ Miriam called to them as she undid the twine. ‘I’m just afraid the smallies might stray onto the road.’

  ‘Electric gates,’ Alison shouted. ‘That’s what you need. I’ll give you the name of the guy who did ours. They’re just the thing.’

  Miriam responded with a lukewarm smile.

  ‘Now, aren’t you glad you changed?’ Alison whispered to Luke after they’d parked and made their way through swarms of children. ‘Told you all the men would be wearing blazers.’

  Luke had been perfectly comfortable in his crumpled linen jacket but Alison had insisted.

  ‘Great you could make it, big fella.’ Hugh pressed a cold beer into Luke’s hand. Cigars poked out of his breast pocket. He was in flying form.

  ‘Cheers.’ Luke took the bottle even though he felt it a little early for a beer. ‘Johnny coming?’

  ‘Nope. Busy with the new girlfriend.’

  ‘Pity,’ said Luke. ‘She could have played on the bouncy castle.’

  Hugh chuckled. ‘She’s a bit on the young side, all right.’ Bottle in hand, he pointed to the bouncy castle. ‘C’mon with me. I have to keep an eye on the kids.’

  Luke did as directed, leaving Alison searching out a glass of sparkling water. Moments later, she sidled up to join them on the lawn. On her arm was a gold paper bag with white ribbons. ‘What are you two up to?’ She linked her free arm through Hugh’s.