by Ivy Smoak
“What?”
“I barely even remember my first time, Brooklyn. He used me. And I let him.” She started crying again.
I pulled her into my chest. A million thoughts were running through my head. Wasn’t that rape? She needed to tell someone. She needed to get tested. She needed to…I looked down at the top of her head. Right now, she needed to cry. And she needed someone to hold her. I cried too. For everything she lost. For how much she was hurting. I cried because she’d been alone in this secret for days. I was so acutely aware of my own pain, how had I not seen hers?
“I really liked him, Brooklyn,” she sobbed. “And I thought he liked me back. Why does no one ever like me back?” Her body shuddered as she cried.
I held her until she ran out of tears.
“You need to tell your mom about this, Kennedy.”
“How? She’d be so ashamed of me.”
“No, she’ll hurt for you. She’ll be mad for you. But she won’t be ashamed. He took advantage of you, Kennedy. He can’t just do that and get away with it.”
“Of course he can.” She finally looked up at me. “You really think our lawyer - the one who couldn’t even get you away from the Pruitts - is going to get some kind of justice against the Dicksons? Everyone at Empire High can get away with anything they want. Except for us.” She sat up and wiped the remaining tears from her eyes. “I just feel so dumb.”
“You’re not dumb, Kennedy.” I sat up too.
“Everyone else knew he was selling except me.”
“I didn’t. Hey.” I grabbed her hand. “You’re one of the smartest kids at Empire High. Everyone else goes there because their parents pay the exorbitant tuition. You’re there because you’re smarter than everyone else. And you’re going to go farther than everyone else too. We both are.”
She sighed. “Well, I might be book-smart. But not relationship-smart. I asked Cupcake to stop selling. That’s why he dumped me. Apparently money and cocaine are more important to him than I am.” She shook her head, but the sadness was gone from her voice. The fiery Kennedy I knew was back. “Puta mierda.”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing worth repeating. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I was just so mad. And then embarrassed. And then I couldn’t even think about it without crying.” She looked determined not to cry again.
“Can I tell you something if you promise not to get mad?” I asked.
She nodded.
“I’ve always hated Cupcake.”
She laughed. “Yeah, I kinda figured you hadn’t forgiven him for nailing you in the face with a dodgeball.”
“I mean…who does something like that?”
“Cupcake. Ugh. And what a gross nickname.”
“Right?! Seriously, if that kid went to my school back home, he would have been made fun of so hard.”
“I’m just pissed that I already wasted money on a homecoming dress.”
I looked over at the beautiful purple dress hanging in her closet. “I don’t think that should go to waste,” I said.
“Homecoming is this Saturday. I won’t find a date before then.”
“Me either. Which is why we’re going together. We’ll make everyone there so jealous that they didn’t think to go with a friend instead.”
She suddenly looked sad again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t even ask you about what’s going on with Matt. Did you talk to him after lunch?”
“No. All the Untouchables kind of disappeared from school after that.” I tried not to think about the fact that it bothered me that Matt hadn’t reached out. I didn’t blame him for running after James. But it was like he’d completely forgotten that the news would affect me too. “But I’m definitely not going to homecoming with him after that. And Felix isn’t talking to me. So…will you go with me?” I’d gone from two dates to none. And I was actually a little relieved. A girls’ night sounded so much better.
“It’s a date,” she said with a laugh. “Do you know what you’re going to wear?”
I had dozens of appropriate dresses now. But they weren’t me. There was only one dress that I wanted to wear. The blue one my mom used to wear on special occasions when I was growing up. I just hoped it would fit me as well as it had fit my mom. I’d never tried it on before. “Mhm. I already have the perfect dress picked out.”
“I should probably get some homework done. I’ve gotten a little behind over the weekend.”
I climbed off her bed. “Will you tell your mom?” I asked before I could stop myself.
Mrs. Alcaraz would know what to do. And I knew Kennedy would feel better once it was off her chest.
She nodded. “But don’t tell anyone else, okay?”
“I won’t.” Even though all I wanted to do was storm over to Cupcake’s and kick him right in the nuts. Or ask Mr. Pruitt to sic his lawyers on him. But what good would that do? Kennedy couldn’t get her virginity back. She couldn’t undo that night. And Cupcake would always be an asshole. I’d stay silent because she asked me to. But I really hoped she wouldn’t stay silent.
I closed the door behind me. Matt had stopped me from trying to have sex with him when I’d accidentally eaten tons of pot sugarcakes. He promised to be all my firsts. But I was so grateful that he hadn’t taken that one too. I was done with him. Done with the Untouchables. Done with all the boys at Empire High.
Chapter 20
Monday
“Princess, how was school today?” Mr. Pruitt asked Isabella.
Of course he calls her princess.
“Superb, Daddy. Is it okay if I go out on the town after dinner? I need to pick up my homecoming dress.”
I ignored the rest of their conversation when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I wasn’t sure why, but I’d been carrying around the stupid thing all afternoon. Hoping Matt would call. Hoping he wouldn’t. Hoping Felix would call. Hoping he wouldn’t either. I wasn’t sure anymore. But as soon as I felt the vibration, I couldn’t lie to myself. I wanted it to be from Matt. Even if I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to forgive him. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and hid it under the tablecloth so that no one would see.
It was from him. I held my breath as I read the words. “Meet me outside after you’re done with dinner.” I read them again as if a second glance would make them make any more sense. No apology. No explanation for what he’d done with James’ girlfriend. Nothing. Meet me outside after you’re done with dinner my ass.
“Daddy, she’s definitely on her phone,” Isabella said. “I heard it buzz.”
I looked up. I’d been doing a great job of avoiding Isabella and Mrs. Pruitt’s evil glares all night. But now I was locked in Isabella’s.
“We don’t allow phones at the table,” Mr. Pruitt said. “I’m guessing you haven’t finished going through the rules?”
“I’m almost done.” I wasn’t. And I was leaning toward just signing them like Kennedy had suggested. I quickly slid the phone back into my pocket.
“Did you hear what I asked you?” he said.
I shook my head. I hadn’t realized that their conversation had turned to me.
“Would you like to go with Isabella to pick up her homecoming dress? Maybe you can try on a few yourself?”
“Oh. No. That’s okay.” Even if I hadn’t already decided to wear my mom’s dress, I wouldn’t have taken him up on the offer. I’d stopped tattling on Isabella at dinner because there was no point to it. She’d always win. But I wasn’t going to go out of my way to do things with her. I wasn’t insane.
“Do you already have one or something?” Isabella asked.
“Mhm.”
“Oh. Is it one of the ones in your closet upstairs?” she asked.
“Yes.” It came out as more of a question. This felt like some kind of trap, but I didn’t know how.
“What color is it? What style?”
This was definitely some kind of trick. Because everything with her was a trick. “Why do you want to know?”
Sh
e laughed. “Because I don’t want to accidentally get something similar, Sissy. How embarrassing would that be? So describe it to me.”
“It’s green.” The lie came easily to my lips. I knew this was one of her games, even though I couldn’t figure out what exactly her motive was. It was easier to just go along with it. I tried to picture one of the new dresses hanging in my closet. “A deep emerald green. It’s tight all the way through except for the bottom that flairs out.”
“Sounds pretty,” Isabella said.
“It is.” Just not as pretty as my mom’s dress, which I’d actually be wearing. I was happy that I’d lied when Isabella got a smug smile on her face. What are you up to?
“May I be excused, Daddy? The girls are waiting for me outside.”
How did she know that unless she was also hiding her phone under the table?
“Sure thing, princess. Don’t be home too late.”
“I won’t.” She gave him a kiss on the cheek and practically skipped off in evil joy.
“I take it the two of you are getting along better now?” Mr. Pruitt asked.
No. You told her everything you promised you wouldn’t. She made another scene at school and dragged all the Untouchables into it. She’s worse than ever. But there was no point in the truth with the Pruitts. “Mhm,” I said. It was alarming how quickly I’d grown used to lying. My stomach twisted in knots with guilt. What would my mom think of that?
“May I be excused as well, Richard?” Mrs. Pruitt asked.
“Of course.”
Mrs. Pruitt placed her napkin down on the table and stood up. Without looking at me, she said, “Thank you for wearing shoes to the table.” And then she walked off. It was like Mr. Pruitt had asked her to give me a compliment and that was the only thing she could think of to say.
I’d never come to the table without shoes again if I knew she was going to be here. A shoeless home was just that. A home. This wasn’t a home. I’d learned that just as quickly as I’d learned to lie. Because I was living in a haunted mansion full of crazies. As if the ghosts could hear my thoughts, there was a loud crash in the foyer.
Mr. Pruitt and I both rushed out to see what happened. One of the large vases had toppled over. Glass was all over the floor. Mrs. Pruitt was nowhere to be seen. Had she knocked it over? Had it been something else? Someone else? A chill ran down my spine.
It didn’t matter who or what had done it. Someone needed to clean it up. I got down on my knees to start to help pick up the pieces.
“Get up.” Mr. Pruitt’s voice was stern.
I looked over my shoulder.
“It’s not your job to clean.” His voice softened when he saw my expression. “Not anymore.” He grabbed my arm and helped me to my feet. And for a second his hand just stayed there. “You look so much like her.”
“My mom?”
His smile was so sad. “I loved her. But she never would have fit into this world. I know you don’t want to be here. I know all this isn’t you. But please try. Please be patient with my wife and Isabella. I don’t want to lose you too. You’re all I have left of her.” He dropped his hand and walked into his study, slamming the door behind him. I was left all alone surrounded by the glass.
What the hell was that? I took a step forward and my shoes crunched on the shards. He loved my mom? Had he loved her all this time? I wanted to knock on his door. I wanted more information. But if he wanted to share, he would have stayed out here. I retreated up the stairs, trying not to think about the mess I was leaving behind.
I couldn’t handle today. I didn’t understand Mr. Pruitt. Or his horrid daughter or wife. All I knew was that I could feel the hole in my heart. Just him mentioning my mom made me want to cry. I’d been filling up my thoughts with Felix and Matt and even Miller. Like I’d been trying to latch on to someone to fill the void.
I walked as quickly as I could to my room, but my feet froze when I reached the room I wasn’t supposed to ever go in. There was a new lock on the door. A keypad like the one on the front door. It definitely hadn’t been there before when I’d tried to open it. Right?
The same chill I felt in the foyer ran down my spine. I spun around. Someone was watching me again. I knew it. I could feel it in my bones. I spun around again. But no one was there. I ran the rest of the way to my room, closed the door, and locked it behind me. Not that it would help. I’d locked the door before, and Justin had just magically appeared inside my room the next morning with tons of clothes I didn’t want.
Before I could reach my bed, my phone buzzed again, this time repeatedly. I pulled it out and saw that Matt was calling instead of texting this time. I answered it before I could chicken out. “I can’t do this with you, Matt.”
“Do what? I need to talk to you. Come outside.”
“I can’t.” And it wasn’t just because I didn’t have the code to get out. “I told you not to break my heart. I’ve told you a million times. I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay in a really long time, and you’re making it worse. Everything you do just makes it worse.”
“Just give me a chance to explain.”
“No one person should ever need to give this many explanations.”
“Brooklyn…”
“I can’t.”
“I didn’t sleep with Rachel. I would never do something like that to James. You have to believe me…”
“Believe you? I did believe you. That’s the whole problem. I believed that you cared about your friends. I believed that I was special. I believed a lot of things. And I don’t anymore. I don’t believe in you.”
“I do care about my friends. And you are special. You’re so fucking special.”
I closed my eyes. I could hear the emotion in his voice. He needed me. He’d held me when I needed him. But the circumstances couldn’t be more different. I thought about what Mr. Pruitt had just said to me. That my mom didn’t belong in this world. That he wanted me to. But I didn’t. I never would. “It wasn’t going to work out anyway, Matt.”
“What are you talking about? We’re forever, Brooklyn.”
Forever was too long for someone with his privilege to understand. But me? I understood that forever could be cut short far too soon. That forever felt endless when you were alone. I needed someone from my own world. “I’ll never fit in with the Pruitts and Hunters and Caldwells of the world. I’m a Sanders. I’ll always be a Sanders.” I hung up the phone.
It immediately started buzzing again.
God, why did anyone think cell phones were a good idea? I turned it off so that the grating buzzing noise would finally stop. And then I shoved it in a drawer for good measure.
I’d broken up with Matt once. You’d think it would hurt less the second time. But if anything, it hurt more. Because I didn’t love him any less. I hated him. I hated him so much. But God, I still loved him too. And it was infuriating. Why couldn’t I just stop?
I went over to my closet, pushed past the green dress I’d described to Isabella, and grabbed my mother’s dress. I’m a Sanders. If my mom had lived longer, she would have warned me about the kind of boys that went to Empire High. She’d have made sure I didn’t make her same mistakes. Matthew Caldwell was a mistake in all capital letters. I needed to be with someone like me. Someone who wanted to pick up glass when it shattered. Someone that knew what it was like to not be elite.
I held my mother’s dress in my hands as I retraced my steps past the locked room and down the stairs. Miller had shown me where the staff resided. Left, right. Left, left. This door wasn’t locked. I made my way down the second set of stairs and through the empty hallway.
There were nameplates outside each door I passed, but I didn’t recognize any of the names. The only two people I knew besides Miller were Tiffany and the chef Barbara, but I didn’t know their last names. And the nameplates were all last names. I passed door after door. So many people I hadn’t even met yet. And then finally, at the end of the hall, much like my room, was a nameplate that read Miller.
Miller answered the door. He was wearing a pair of gray sweatpants and no shirt. I wasn’t sure which was sexier. The outline the gray sweatpants gave the muscles in his legs or the exposed muscles of his very defined six-pack. I swallowed hard and my throat made a weird squeaking noise.
“You shouldn’t be down here,” he said.
I held up my mom’s dress. “I need to hide this from Isabella. Can I keep it down here with you?” I knew that Isabella was up to something devious. But I didn’t know what. And I’d be devastated if my mother’s dress got caught in the crossfire.
He leaned out of the doorway, looked both ways, and then grabbed my hand to pull me inside.
The room felt small as soon as I entered it. Or maybe it was just because Miller was so massive.
His hand fell from mine. He grabbed my dress and hung it in his closet amongst a sea of crisply pressed suits. He cleared his throat. “Was there anything else?”
I just want to be with someone like me. Even if only for a minute. I shook my head, but I didn’t move to leave.
“You’re going to get me fired.” He didn’t sound mad.
“You’d be fired if someone found me down here?”
“I’d be fired for a lot of things when it came to you. Letting you get high. Letting you go to the Alcaraz’s. But this? Yeah, this is probably the worst.”
“Why? I’m just standing here.”
I watched as his Adam’s apple slowly rose and fell.
Was he thinking it too? That he wanted to do more than stand? My eyes wandered to his bed behind him. It wasn’t made, and something about that felt so homey to me. I wanted to crawl under his sheets and never leave.
“You need to go,” he said.
“You’re the only one here that makes me feel like I’m not alone.”
“I can’t be that person for you.”
“Why?” I hated how small my voice sounded.