by Trina Solet
As the agony of that moment returned to him, Rob just breathed. Julian took his hand, held it tight and put his head on Rob's shoulder. They stayed like that while Rob breathed through the pain that always came back fresh and strong any time he talked about his mom.
Raising his head from Rob's shoulder, Julian asked him, "How did you get through it?"
After a bit, Rob told him, "Sometimes I wonder about that too. Dad was a destroyed. He blamed himself, we all blamed ourselves. My sister and I were so scared for him. For his sake, we kind of buried our grief. But we had to. We couldn't lose him too. My sister was the one who really held us together. I don't know if I could have made it through those years without her. Lying awake when the house was so quiet, all I could hear was my heartbeat reminding me that I was alive and that Mom wasn't. It was too much. I didn't think I could hang on."
Suddenly Julian was hugging him. Finding himself in his tight embrace with the side of his face pressed against Julian's, Rob was afraid he might start sobbing. So many times he forced himself not to cry about his mother that it became second nature. He didn't want to upset his dad, his sister.
Now he just breathed through it and held onto Julian. "Sometimes it was so hard to push through the wall of grief and keep going, not let it crush me, bury me," he confessed.
"You made it," Julian told him.
They pulled apart slowly but sat close. A heavy silence descended over them, but Julian's presence next to him was comforting and warm.
Rob wanted to thank him for being there and listening to him, when Danny suddenly appeared in the doorway. He was breathing fast with his eyes wide and frightened. For a moment, the little boy stood in the doorway, his face anxious as he just stared.
Julian had been about to get up and got to him, but Danny was faster. He rushed in, saying under his breath, "Julian, you're here." He ran over and wrapped himself around Julian's knees.
"You're safe now," Julian told him and picked him up so he could sit in his lap.
Now Lenny was there too, trying desperately to climb on the sofa and failing. Rob helped him out.
"Lenny wants to sit with us too," Rob said as he snuggled with him.
Calmer now that Julian was holding him in his lap, Danny told them what had upset him. "I couldn't see you or Rob or Lenny."
"Wasn't Lenny right there with you?" Julian wondered and Danny shook his head.
"It was probably a dream," Rob said. He remembered nightmares from the time after his mother died about walking the empty house, not able to find his mom or his dad or his sister. Then Christie would shake him awake, reassuring him that at least she and Dad were still there.
"We were in here watching TV," Julian told Danny. "You want to watch TV with us for a little bit?"
As all of them sat together, Danny was calmer, even kind of happy. They watched a little TV together then Julian told his little brother, "Back to bed with you. I'll sit with you until you fall asleep."
Danny wasn't eager to go, but he cooperated as Julian carried him out and Lenny followed. Leaning his chin on Julian's shoulder, Danny waved to Rob.
"Good night again," Rob told him with a wave.
As long as he could run to Julian, that little guy was OK. Danny knew he was safe and loved. Julian and everything about him were like a cocoon that could keep all the bad things out.
Rob had gotten a little taste of that for himself when he was held in Julian's arms. He found comfort and warmth there and also a feeling of something hot and vibrant coming alive inside him, telling him not to let go.
Chapter 13
Rob started his morning helping Danny get ready and then taking him and Lenny for a walk before breakfast. The whole time, Julian was in the office, on the phone and working on his laptop. He didn't even have time for breakfast.
That's why Rob and Danny made him a little something he could eat at his desk. As Rob went in to take the plate to him, he heard Julian say, "My assistant will send you the details."
When Julian hung up, Rob got ready to deal with whatever needed to be done, but he then heard Julian talking with Ms Dover on the phone and giving her instructions about what she needed to send to the client.
"Ms Dover, umm... Is she still your full time assistant?" Rob asked once he was off the phone.
"Of course," Julian said, not 'for now,' or anything else that might help put Rob's mind at ease. That meant his time here would be over even sooner than he thought.
Noticing his reaction, Julian turned to face him fully. "That doesn't mean I don't need your help here, especially with Danny."
"OK," Rob said, not sure where things stood.
"I didn't think you minded," Julian said.
"I don't. Danny is great. I just didn't realize... Anyway. Danny and I made you this whole-wheat waffle sandwich for breakfast. He's a sandwich-making expert now," Rob said and he forced a smile.
"Thank you," Julian said as he looked at their creation.
His smile seemed genuine so that put Rob in a better mood. "It has apple slices and a little honey inside. We couldn't let you go without breakfast."
"I appreciate it, and thank you for spending time with Danny. Things get a little hectic sometimes," Julian said.
"Sure. I'll go clean up in the kitchen. A few things got kind of sticky," Rob told him.
Just a few words from Julian and Rob was so much happier as he left. Even if he didn't know any more than before about how long this job would last, Rob felt lighter.
At midday, Rico brought Sammy over along with their lunch from the café. They all ate together, and Mitch pointed to the two complimentary pieces of peach pie with whipped cream. "I bet no one ordered those."
Rico confirmed it. "Grandma sneaked them in there."
"That's what Grandma gives to the kids she likes," Sammy said to Danny. "Grandma was Rico's grandma first, but he let me borrow her. Now she's my grandma too."
"I don't have a grandma, but I have Lenny," Danny told her.
Rob glanced at Julian and saw him frown. It must have bothered him that he couldn't give Danny a bigger family.
"You can borrow my grandma. She's nice," Sammy said generously and Mitch gave his little daughter such a loving smile for that.
All through lunch, Julian was getting a lot of emails and Rob asked, "Are we going to be busy?"
"Seems so," Julian said. He was ready to rush off, but this time he wanted Rob to do some work too.
Mitch and Rico offered for them to let the kids hang out where they could watch them. Since Danny was doing fine, Julian and Rob went off to his office.
"You're still not comfortable letting him play with other kids?" Rob asked once they were away from the others.
"I'm worried something might go wrong."
"If it does, you're right here. But Sammy seems like a nice kid." She was lively and determined, more like Rico than her stolid and serious dad.
"You're right. I shouldn't expect the worst. I should be more positive," Julian said as he sat behind his desk.
"Is that what I said?" Rob asked.
"More or less. Now we better get to work. I'll probably want to check on Danny in a few minutes," Julian admitted with a sheepish grin.
As he helped Julian compile information for a prospectus report, Rob worried that he wasn't up to the task. To Ms Dover, the stuff he found difficult was a breeze. Rob ended up doing only the most basic tasks. At the end Julian still thanked him.
"I wasn't as helpful as I wanted to be," Rob admitted.
"Of course you were. I would be way behind if it wasn't for you. And I would have to work right through dinner," Julian said.
After Julian didn't need him any more, Rob sat on the floor of the library with the kids and read them the Super Strong Little Bee. The little bee was the tiniest bee of all the bees. The other bees teased him and he was sad. Then the little bee discovered how strong he was, and he went around lifting fire trucks and refrigerators. Rob read while the kids sat on either side of him so the
y could see the pictures of the bee lifting things over his head.
"He's really strong," Sammy said to Danny. "That's a good book."
Danny smiled, pleased that she liked it. "Lenny likes it too, but then he tries to eat it."
Sammy sighed at him. "Oh Lenny."
When Rob closed the book, he saw that Julian was leaning in the doorway of his office, smiling at them. Rob's eyes lingered on him, but he wasn't the only one who saw him there. Rico noticed him too.
He elbowed Mitch and whispered, "See that? What did I tell you?"
Both Rob and Julian glared at him, but he only shot them an innocent smile. Whatever he was implying, Rob refused to read anything into the way Julian smiled. That smile was for the kids, not for him.
That evening, right on cue, Danny's super strong bee costume arrived. Hurriedly, Rob stashed it in the closet under the stairs so Julian could surprise him with it on Halloween. He did it just in time as he heard Julian and Danny upstairs.
Rob went up to see if Julian needed anything, but he was already done giving Danny his bath. Ready for bed, Danny was stepping out into the hall. Julian kissed the top of his head then he told him, "Your hair smells nice."
Running over to say goodnight to Rob, Danny told him the news. "My hair smells nice."
He pointed to the top of his head, so Rob kissed his head too. "Sure does," he confirmed.
Going over to Lenny, Danny got down on the floor. "You sniff it, Lenny."
Laughing, Rob picked him up off the floor and hoisted him up and over his shoulder. "Everyone sniffed your hair now. Time for bed."
"I'm up here, Lenny." Danny waved to the little dog, who cocked his head to one side like he was wondering how he got up there.
Rob handed Danny off to a smiling Julian. Working as a team, the two of them put Danny to bed together and once again read to him about the super strong bee.
When Danny had been in bed for a while, Rob decided to go get the costume. It could wait until morning, but he knew Julian was awake too. Always alert for the sound of his footsteps, Rob heard him moving around. He would take the costume to Julian so he could have a look at it, check it over. Or maybe that was just an excuse so Rob could spend some time alone with him in the dead of night.
He didn't see Julian as he went out into the hall, so he went downstairs to get some water first. When he came back from the kitchen, he saw Julian coming down the stairs.
"I was a little restless so I figured I might as well get up and do something useful," Julian said to him.
"So you're going to be working?" Rob asked.
"I promised Danny I would find Lenny's friend, that purple seahorse, dog toy, so that's what I'm doing," Julian said. "I didn't see it upstairs."
"I think I saw it under your desk," Rob told him.
As they both went toward the office, Rob could tell that Julian was alert for any sounds coming from upstairs. He was ready to rush up there if Danny should need him.
When they reached the office, it was dark and it stayed that way even after Rob flipped the light switch.
"Why is this light out?" Julian asked almost angrily. Rob had noticed that he kept a lot of lights on at night. The lamp on his desk was always on at night, but it was out now, and Julian was suddenly tense and breathing fast.
After going in and checking the lamp, Rob told him, "Looks like the light bulb went out. I'll change it."
"You don't have to do that," Julian said, but he didn't sound very convincing as he forced out the words. Walking stiffly, he came into the room but not very far. He went to lean on the wall by the door.
Something was way off about him.
"It's no problem. I'm up anyway. Are you feeling OK?" Rob asked him.
"Fine," Julian said, but his voice was strained.
"OK. Be right back."
Rob was almost out of the door when he heard Julian speak again, his words coming out in a tight whisper. "Everything is fine."
Rob stopped and turned. "Are you OK?" he asked again.
"Yes. Fine." Julian was only a shadow pressed up against the wall. Was he this rattled because it was dark? Why didn't he go out into the hall then?
"You don't need to stay here," Rob told him.
"Danny likes it here," Julian said.
"What?" After a moment of confusion, Rob realized that he was talking about his reason for staying at the house. "You don't have to stay alone in this room."
"I'm fine," Julian insisted and Rob suddenly felt so sad for him.
"Come and help me find a light bulb." Rob went over and took his hand. For a second Julian resisted then he gave in and let Rob lead him out of the room.
Under the hallway lights, he could see Julian's pale face and haunted eyes. His lips were trembling until he raised his eyes to Rob. "Thanks."
As he led him to the kitchen, Rob kept a hold of his hand. The small light over the sink was on in there, but Rob turned on the big one as well. He made Julian sit at the kitchen table and handed him a bottle of water. Rob considered that he might want something stronger, but he didn't know if there was any liquor in the house.
"Why were you trying to torture yourself by staying in there?" Rob asked Julian as he sat across from him.
"I wasn't," Julian claimed though it certainly seemed that way to Rob. "It's just that I can't fall apart even in the dark. I need to stay strong."
"You are strong, but what you said... Do you hate being in this house?" Rob asked him.
Julian shook his head. "Not most of the time. I hate the house the way it used to be, the house where my grandfather made the rules."
"If you want to give Danny a quiet place, there are other houses in the country," Rob pointed out.
"But this one is rightfully ours. It's mine and Danny's." Julian groaned, lowered his head into his hands and rubbed his eyes. "I guess I had some idea of reclaiming it as our family home."
Rob found that he approved of his way of thinking. "You're right. Then just remind yourself that it's your house, your rules. And it's Danny's home," Rob told him and reached out across the table to briefly cup his hand.
Julian smiled. "That's a good way to think of it."
He seemed more at ease now, and Rob hated to upset him again. That's why he hesitated before he asked, "What is it about the dark?" Rob didn't want to pry, but he thought he should know.
Julian took a deep breath and nodded like he was agreeing that Rob should hear it. "I had a nanny when I was little, before I started school. She was kind but also quite old and she passed away. I found her sitting outside on a bench, slumped forward, with her phone slipping out of her hand. It was a shock, and once she was gone, I didn't have anyone who could help me through it. My grandfather didn't want me to have another nanny. I started to have nightmares, so I left my lamp on all night. When my grandfather found out I was sleeping with my light on, he was livid."
"Livid?" Rob said, not understanding.
"It was a sign of weakness," Rob said with a bitter smile. "Seeing that I was afraid of the dark made him furious. So to destroy that weakness, he forced me to sleep in the dark. He didn't trust me not to turn the light on. He made sure I didn't have a flashlight and he took the light bulb out of the lamp."
"Damn," Rob said. "Your grandfather was twisted." The thought that anyone could be so cruel to Julian infuriated him.
"Eventually he decided I was cured, and I got to have a light in my room again. But after that I never dared to turn it on in the middle of the night. When I got scared, I would reach under the lampshade and feel for the light bulb to make sure it was there. That was my only comfort."
"Damn. I'm sorry. It must be horrible for you when Danny has a nightmare," Rob said.
"It's worse for him. He's so small and helpless and scared," Julian said. He got up from the table, but he still looked troubled.
"You were too, but at least Danny has you," Rob reminded him and stood up as well. "He knows he can run to you and you'll make it all better." He had seen that f
or himself.
"I have to be there for him," Julian said in a hushed voice. Facing the kitchen window, he was staring into the lonely darkness of the countryside at night, and it seemed almost like he was talking to himself. "When there is no one to comfort you, that's when the fear sinks in deep, grows roots."
Rob stood to one side of him, tracing the lines of his profile with his gaze. Losing himself in those beautiful, haunted eyes, he reached out and put his arms around Julian. Rob embraced him gently, letting him pull away if he wanted to. He didn't do that. Julian stayed in his arms and rested against him for a moment, letting Rob feel the beating of his heart. It wasn't long enough for Rob. Julian pulled away before Rob was ready to let him go.
Keeping his eyes down, Julian told him, " Thank you."
"Just returning the hug you gave me." Rob shrugged, but it was a lot more than that to him. He needed to hold Julian, take some of his pain from him. "I wish I had known this sooner. I thought you left all the lights on for Danny's sake," he said as they went out into the hall.
"It's for him too," Julian said.
"I'll make sure every room has more than one light in it," Rob decided but Julian started to object.
"You don't need to..."
"It's not a big deal. It's just a safety measure," he said. He went to the closet under the stairs for a light bulb and saw the costume there. He gave the package to Julian. The sight of it seemed to cheer him up, and he took it upstairs.
Watching him make his way up the stairs, Rob hated to let him go. He didn't want to leave Julian alone or let him out of his sight for a minute. What did he want to do, stand guard over him all night to make sure he never had a nightmare or one bad moment in his life? Yes, that's exactly what Rob wanted.
Chapter 14
Daylight arrived while Julian was looking at his laptop screen, watching numbers scroll by. He stretched and stared for a moment at a pearl gray sky. It was still early, but it was a relief not to see all that blackness outside his windows.
That was one reason Julian never wanted to come back here. The view out of his apartment window was never black. City lights had reassured him, always there, always lighting up the street and the skyline no matter the time, like night never came.