by Reana Malori
Their current relationship was no longer enough for her.
The way he made her feel when they were together was amazing. And talk about being treated like a queen. The man didn’t seem to know any other way to deal with her. That just made what his ex did to him that much worse, besides being the kind of woman that made men lose their shit and put people in the ground, which was what Jackson had almost done.
Tomorrow was Saturday and she had plans to catch up with Heather Forrester, her and Kara’s other best friend. She’d been traveling for work these past few weeks and had just returned home the other day. It was time for some good old-fashioned girl time.
“I miss you, Jackson,” she whispered into the quiet room. Propping her feet up on the table, she flicked on the television and prepared to veg out with the boob tube before heading off to bed.
At that moment, her phone rang. Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Laughing at her own predictions of doom and gloom, she picked up the phone and swiped it to answer.
“Hey Jackson,” she said into the phone.
“Hey sweetness. What’re you doing?”
Now she had to remember the excuse she gave him for not seeing him tonight. Work? No. Her mom? No. Damn.
“Um, just relaxing. My stomach isn’t feeling very good. I think I’m going to bed early tonight,” which was partially true. While her stomach didn’t hurt from sickness, regret that she was lying to her man turned her wine to acid in her stomach.
“Open the door, baby,” his soft voice stated.
Oh no. If he was outside her door tonight…well, she wasn’t sure what to do; be completely annoyed that he hadn’t listened to her, yet secretly pleased that he hadn’t just walked away.
Jackson tended to do his own thing, so she wasn’t surprised that he’d decided to stop by, even though she told him not to. Peeling her body from the couch, she walked over the door and looked through the peephole. Well, there went her plans to avoid him for one more day.
Opening the door, she let him in and he walked toward her kitchen.
“I have homemade chicken soup,” he boasted proudly.
“You made chicken soup?”
“Well, no,” he sheepishly replied. “I bought it from that little restaurant that we like to visit. The one with the homemade apple pie.”
“Oooh, you went to Mama Cici’s? What else you got?” she asked. Whatever sickness she was pretending to have, quickly disappeared at finding out he’d went to her favorite place for good old fashioned southern cooking. Whenever she had a craving for some good food, like biscuits and gravy, deep dish apple pie, or fried catfish, Mama Cici’s was the only place she’d go. That Jackson would remember that caused her to look up at him in surprise.
“You can’t eat it. Your stomach is messing with you and I’m not trying to give you anything that’ll make it worse,” he said with a laugh as he brought out container upon container from the bag.
“Well then, who’s all that food for?” Yeah, she was pouting. So what.
“For me. My diet got all fucked up while I was away. Why are you looking at my chicken and dumplings like you’re a starving woman?” he asked with a smile.
“Because...give them to me!” she yelled as she lunged toward his plate.
“Nope. Now go sit down and I’ll bring you your chicken soup,” he demanded. He carried on, laughing like a damn hyena, until she stalked away and plopped onto the couch.
Watching him fill her bowl with soup and grab some crackers, her heart melted a little. Why was she fighting him on this so hard? Was she really angry with him, or was she just confused in her feelings about not knowing her place in his world?
This big, tough man was in her kitchen fixing her a bowl of soup because he thought she was sick. Feeling like a total fraud—which she was—she dipped her head and took a breath. If she could make it through the night without ratting herself out, it would be a miracle.
“Okay, here we go. Soup and crackers for you. Make sure you eat it all. You have that lunch with Heather tomorrow, right?” he asked as he settled in with his own plate.
“Mmm-hmmm,” she mumbled around the spoon full of soup she was shoveling in her mouth. Maybe she’d been hungrier than she thought.
“What’s on TV?”
Shrugging her shoulders, she answered, “Not sure. I was just flipping channels.” Curling her legs up on the couch, it caused her body to lean in toward Jackson. Turning his head to look at her, he gave her a devilish smile.
“You okay there? Feeling better?” he asked with a smirk.
The jig was up. He knew she wasn’t sick, but apparently he was going to play this out to the end.
Fine. Two could play at that game.
“Yes, much better. Thank you. This soup must have some crazy intense healing properties. Thank you for bringing it to me,” she replied, her tone agreeable.
“Anytime. Whatever I can do to make you feel better, I’ll do. You know that, right?”
Lisa paused for a moment before answering. She knew there was more to his statement than just him bringing her soup when she had the flu. Placing her spoon in the bowl, she looked over at him. Sincerity and truth was what she saw lurking in his eyes. She believed that he meant what he was saying.
The only question was, would that be enough for her?
Nodding her head, she stared at his face, taking in his strong jaw and gorgeous features. “Yeah, I know.”
“I care for you, Lisa. Probably more than you realize. I just need you to understand that. When things went south for me all those years ago, having any type of relationship was off-limits for me. Baby, what we have is what I needed at the time. You’re changing the rules on me. Not that it’s a bad thing, but it does take some adjusting.”
“I understand that, Jackson. I do. But what if this arrangement we have is no longer enough for me? Then what?” she pressed.
“Honestly, I don’t know. If it were an easy answer, I would be happy to give it to you. But I don’t know if I have it in me to give you what you want,” he sighed, turning his head away from her for a moment.
“Well, at least you’re honest. Until you decide what it is you do want from me—for us—let’s not put a name on it,” she said in the most grown-up voice she could muster. How she wasn’t lying on the floor writhing away in pain, she’d never know.
“Does that mean you’re gonna stop making excuses to not see me?” he asked with a smile.
“What? No, I wasn’t,” she answered with a smile of her own.
“Hey,” he whispered, lifting his hand to her jaw and tilting her head up so that his gaze captured hers. “Just don’t disappear on me. What we have—you and me—has been building up for more than two years. I know things are changing for you. I get it.”
Removing his hand from her face, he leaned forward and set his plate on the table. Stretching his body again, he leaned back against the couch and stretched his arm along the back. “No more lying and avoiding me. If you don’t want to see me, just say so. I’m a big boy. I can handle it.”
“Then why bring the soup?”
“Because I wanted to see if you would continue to maintain that you were sick. I think if I hadn’t called you out on it, you would have kept this going all night. You forget, I know you, babe. I’ve seen you sick. I know how you act when you’re not feeling well. As soon as you told me that bullshit sob story today about your lunch and the sniffles and how you caught the flu from checking the mail in your socks, I knew you were avoiding me.” He shook his head. “Tsk, tsk, tsk. You should have known better than that.” He looked at her as if he were amazed she had been so bad at the lie in the first place.
“Fine. Now that you know I’m not sick, can I have some of your chicken and dumplings? And did you really get apple pie?” Getting up from the couch, she picked up his empty plate and carried their dishes into the kitchen. Dropping them in the sink, she turned to the carryout bag and pulled out the remaining food containers.
&nbs
p; “That’s it? You’re not gonna mention anything else about what’s going on with us?” he asked.
“No. You know where I stand on this. I know where you are and what you’re struggling with. Either we’re going to get through this together or we’re not.”
Hopefully, he couldn’t tell that she was shaking with nerves as she put up a brave front. Being with him was all she wanted, but appearing weak in front of him was not something she was willing to do.
“And you’re okay with that?” he called out to her as she stood in the kitchen. “Can you honestly say that you can walk away from what we have so easily?”
Turning to face him, she bit her bottom lip as she seemed to ponder his questions. Hell no, she wasn’t okay with it, she thought. However, out loud, her words expressed the exact opposite.
“Jackson, you’ve been through some shit. But you’re not the only one. No one has a clean past. The question is, how do you handle it? If you’re decision is to let your past keep you from having something real with me in the future, then how do I fight that? How do I convince you that I’m not her? That we could build something different?”
“I’m not asking you to convince me,” he began.
“You’re right,” she interrupted him. “Because I can’t. I know what we have is good. But I’ve told you I want more. Either you want more with me as well, or you don’t. But I won’t wait forever. I can’t. I love myself too much to allow you to keep me in limbo forever.”
“That’s not fair, Lisa.”
“Yes, it is. We can either handle this like adults, or we call it over. I want you, Jackson. You know this. I know this. Having you with me means something. I just need to know that you feel the same about me.”
Turning to look at the food again, she clasped her hands together. “Now, do you want any more of this? I’m starving and these dumplings are calling my name.”
“Those are not for you,” he replied with a chuckle as he walked up behind her. Bringing her body flush with his, he pressed up against her. His body towered over hers, and while she sometimes resisted the fact that she was so much shorter than him, it also felt good to be in his arms.
“Come on. Let me have some. You know I love their food. Now you’re just torturing me,” she retorted.
“Lisa, I—”
His phone began ringing before he could finish what he was about to say. Once the distinctive ring sounded in the room, he paused, kissed her softly on the temple, then walked over to his jacket and pulled it out. She watched him sigh before swiping the screen.
“Hello?”
Lisa tried to appear as if she weren’t listening to every word. Opening the container with the pie nestled inside, her mouth watered. This is gonna be so good, she thought with glee.
“Yeah, I can do that. I can be there in a bit. See ya.” He sighed deeply as he hung up.
Chewing slowly so that she could savor every flaky sweet bite, she looked up once his call was finished. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, it’s cool. I have to head out,” was his vague response.
Immediately, she stopped chewing and swallowed the tasty pastry. “Does that mean I won’t see you for a while?” she asked.
It wasn’t that she was upset, not in the sense one would think. Lisa knew what he did for a living and she didn’t begrudge him that. Living in Springfield, Virginia while he was stationed in Norfolk, Virginia could be a bitch sometimes, but they made it work. Hell, they’d made it work for more than two years.
But sometimes she worried. What if one of those times he left, he never returned? What if he left out of her home, only to never return to her? That’s the one thing she could never handle.
“Nah, I’ll be back soon. I just need to go handle something real quick, but I’ll be back in a few days. You have your lunch with Heather tomorrow?” he asked.
“Yeah, she just got back into town the other day. It’s been a while since we’ve caught up.” Sure, she was annoyed with him, but now that he was here, she didn’t want him to leave.
“What about Kara?”
“Not sure. She’s going to try and make it. David is going through potty-training and Austin is being a big ol’ softie,” she said with a smile on her face, thinking about her little godson. That boy was something else, but she loved him fiercely.
Removing the fork from her hand, Jackson grabbed her shoulders and turned her toward him. He wrapped his strong arms around her, pulling her close to him. “I know we have a lot to talk about. But before I go, I need to say this. You belong to me, Lisa.”
“Jackson—”
Pulling back slightly to look her in the eyes, “No, don’t interrupt me, baby. You and I both know it’s true.”
“I just think we need to resolve what’s going on with us before you make those claims. You clam up every time I call you Jackson.” At his visible wince, she raised an eyebrow. “See what I’m talking about?” she challenged.
He sighed, closing his eyes before opening them to look at her. What she saw reflected made her breath catch in her throat.
“Lisa. Stop. I’m not comparing you to her. You’re nothing like her.” Jackson’s body seemed to vibrate with frustration.
“That’s what your words say, but that’s not what I’m seeing,” she countered.
“What do you mean by that?” he asked while pulling back from her.
She’d begun to hope the night would end better, but there was still so much between them. Until they hashed things out and figured out what they both wanted, it would be difficult to close the widening gap.
“It means if I’m as important to you as you keep saying I am, then you need to let that bullshit with Sarah go. Listen, I know she hurt you. But we’ve been doing…whatever it is we’ve been doing for a long time now and this is the first time I’m hearing the truth about her. You gave me hints, but now I know it was fake. It wasn’t even the truth. Jackson… You were married to her. Don’t you see how important that is?” she asked, getting more agitated by the second. Her voice was beginning to rise as she stared at him.
How dare he look at her as if she was the one who’d lost her mind? He was the one who’d kept this in his back pocket all this time. As a matter of fact…
“Honestly, Jackson, I have been avoiding you these past few days,” she admitted.
“I know you have,” he responded.
“But do you know why? Do you understand why I had to pull back from you?” she asked.
Crossing his arms over his chest, he took another step back. “Maybe you should tell me so that I’m clear this time. Because it seems to me that I keep getting mixed signals from you. I left the other day and we seemed to be fine. Then I don’t hear from you for days. You avoid my calls and you act like I don’t exist. Now I’m here and we seem to be getting on track again. Then…here we go again. I’m not really sure what the hell is going on with us, but I’d like you to explain it to me,” he finished.
As he spoke, the steam began to build, but she didn’t let it out. He had a point. In fact, he had several. That didn’t change anything.
Was she unreasonable to expect him to understand what she needed from him? Probably.
Was he a mind reader? No.
“Don’t you need to leave?” she asked.
“Don’t change the fucking subject,” he stated.
“Yeah, well, fuck you,” she yelled, her voice rising and her brow furrowing.
“I planned on that when I arrived, but it looks like I’m going to have blue balls when I leave here,” he mumbled.
“Oh honey, you’re gonna have blue balls for longer than that. I think it’s time you left.”
Placing his hands up as if holding her back from him, Jackson didn’t know when to stop. “Are you serious? Babe, you’re blowing this outta proportion. You gotta relax.”
His words just set her off more.
Shaking her head in disbelief, Lisa felt her blood boiling. “Nope. I’m not doing this with you, Jackson. You
can leave and you can take your food with you. I’m for real this time.
His mouth fell open in shock. He stared at her as if she’d suddenly grown another head. “Baby, what are you saying?”
Hands to her side, she lifted her chin and gave him a chilly look. “We need a break from each other. I need to decide if I can still do this with you.”
“What the fuck does that mean? Oh, I get it now.” The laugh that escaped was low and gravelly. “This is so you can get with that smooth motherfucker that was hugged all up on you in your office last week?” he demanded with fire in his eyes.
“This has nothing to do with him. Do you hear me? Nothing,” she yelled. “What’s going on with us has been brewing for a while. You want something from me that I’m not willing to give any longer. You’re happy with the status quo. I'm not.”
“So you just kick me out?” he asked. “What kind of shit is that, Lisa?”
Taking several deep breaths, she calmed her tone. “I just need space, Jackson. When you’re around me, my thoughts get turned upside down. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. I know what’s best for me. I know that,” she implored as she looked up to him. “But I need time to come to that decision on my own.”
“Is the decision you’re struggling with telling you that I’m not what’s good for you? That what we have is not good for you?” His voice was deep and low as he seemed to force the words from his throat.
Blinking rapidly to hold back the tears welling in her eyes, Lisa tried to think of what to say. How did they get to this point so quickly? How did she answer his question without pushing him away for good?
“I’m struggling with asking for what I need from you. Whatever that is, it’s me who has to decide what I need. Not only from you, but what I need for me. What will make me happy,” she said in a pleading tone, her voice cracking.
Lisa struggled to get the words out. Could she walk away from him if Jackson was unable to give her what she needed? That she didn’t know.
“Fine, I’m leaving, because I don’t know how else to fix this. But know this, Lisa, we were fine. What we have between us was good—still is. We were happy, you and me. We don’t need all those labels and names on what we have. It worked for us,” he stated emphatically.