Take Me With You When You Go

by David Levithan

  Love,

  Your sister

  Bea x

  Subject: Over coffee

  From: Ezra

  To: Bea

  Date: Thurs 25 Apr 19:34 EST

  How weird that you had to travel all that way to see the Bea I know. But I get it. Sometimes that’s what it takes. I’m glad you found her.

  I won’t lie: I wish you were here. I understand why you’re not, and I’m going to live with why you’re not. But the wish will always be there.

  Meanwhile, there’s this:

  I finally had coffee with Jessica Wei. We met up after school, and as soon as we were out of range of everyone else, the conversation started.

  “You’re not still living at home, are you?” she asked.

  I said no, I was living at Terrence’s for now.

  “Good,” she said. “That’s a relief.”

  Then she started to talk about how she and Terrence had been friends when they were little kids, and how she’d loved it over there because for some reason her mom didn’t think Play-Doh was a good idea, while Terrence’s mom bought fresh Play-Doh every week, it seemed. I thought, okay, now we’re talking about being kids, so I tried to find some good stories to tell back to her, although it was a stretch. Mostly I focused on crafts projects we had in school, the ones I’d never bring home because I knew there was no way Mom or Darren would hang them up on the refrigerator. There was this one box I made out of Popsicle sticks—I hid it under my bed and it got all dusty. Mom must’ve thrown it out. I forgot about it, and then when I remembered it, it wasn’t there.

  I didn’t tell this story to Jessica. I told her instead about the time the cafeteria let me borrow all kinds of round fruits and vegetables so I could model the planets in orbit. Since it was made of fruit, she didn’t have to ask me what happened to it after.

  We got to The Coffee Tree (Sloane wasn’t around) and sat down. Almost immediately, Jessica’s face got serious. Like, super serious.

  “So here’s the thing,” she said, before she’d even taken a sip. “I have no idea what you know about me, or about my family. But I’m going to tell you. My father was a raging alcoholic, emphasis on the raging. He’d beat the shit out of my brother regularly, and he would push me around without crossing the line into hitting me outright. By the time we got to middle school, my brother was taking after him. My father had this rule that nothing that happened in our house was ever to be mentioned outside of our house. My brother thought he could enforce this rule too. And I was stuck. Really stuck. Because I knew that if I told my father what my brother was doing, he’d kill my brother. I know that sounds extreme, but it felt extreme. You know? I didn’t trust my mother to do anything. She was as stuck as I was. Then it got so bad, it couldn’t be hidden anymore.”

  “He broke your jaw,” I volunteered.

  Jessica didn’t look surprised. “I guess you heard that part. Everyone did. He broke my jaw. Knocked a few teeth out. Left me bleeding in my room. I sucked it up, bandaged myself up—poorly, I might add—and went to school the next day. My friends took one look at me and steered me to the school nurse. I told her I’d fallen down the stairs. And she looked at me and said, ‘Do the stairs have a name?’ And that did it. I don’t know why. Maybe because my friends were there and they clearly weren’t buying my story. Maybe because the nurse had given me an opening that nobody else had given me before. But that was it. Moment of revelation. I told her what happened. She called the counselor. He asked me if there was anyone I could think of who could help, and I gave him my aunt’s number. My mother’s sister. The strongest woman I could think of. And when they called her to tell her what had happened, she wasn’t surprised. She didn’t doubt me for a second. She came right away. And the next thing I knew, my mother and I were living in her guest room. Mom on the bed, me on an inflatable mattress. My brother was sent away to a boarding school, and he’s better now. Or at least he sounds better. Whenever we see each other, it’s awkward.”

  Jessica stopped. Looked at me. Continued.

  “This is what I want to say to you, Ezra. This is why I want you to know where I’m coming from. Because I have some idea of what you’re up against. Maybe not in the same way. But similar. Am I right?”

  I nodded.

  “So here’s what I’ve learned. One: There’s no point in hiding what’s happened to you, because other people’s mistreatment of you is their shame, not yours. Two: We are in a club we never wanted to belong to, the club of people who’ve had someone actively try to break us, and who discovered our strength in surviving. We have to reach out to each other whenever we can. And three: Whenever you’re in the worst place, there is always a better place. Your abuser will try to hide it from you, but other people can help you get there. Like Terrence. Or his parents. Or your sister. She knows what she’s doing.”

  Words failed me, Bea. All I could say was “Yes.” And then again: “Yes.”

  What overwhelmed me at that moment—what’s overwhelming me now as I’m writing this—wasn’t just the recognition, the understanding. It was even larger than that. Because not only was I connecting to what she was saying, I was connecting to the way she was saying it. The past tense. I was thinking of what you and I went through in the past tense. All the things that happened to us—they are no longer happening. They happened. And that doesn’t guarantee anything, and it doesn’t erase all the pain our lives have had, but it also feels like we’ve proven that stories can change. The story we’re telling now isn’t the story we were given, the story we were forced to have. We’ve reached the better page.

  I told Jessica all this. She nodded and chimed in and understood, really understood. Finally, she asked, “So what are you going to do?” A question I might not have been able to answer before. But now, I had an answer. I have an answer.

  This is what I want to tell you:

  I’m going to stay, Bea.

  I’m going to stay, and then I’m going to leave.

  I’m going to finish out this year. I’m going to rely on the kindness of Terrence’s parents. I’m going to avoid our house, our mother, our stepfather. I’m going to wrap things up and lay the groundwork to keep Terrence and Jessica and a few others in my life.

  Then I’m coming to you, Bea. I’m coming.

  You’re the only family I have. You’re the only family I want.

  I don’t know how we’re going to do it, but I know we’re going to do it.

  You’ll go to college. I’ll still go to high school. Somehow, we’ll make the life we were never given, and be the people we want to be.

  I’m hitting send now.

  I’ll call you in a few minutes.

  Here’s to the future.

  Ez

  Acknowledgments

  Much like Ezra and Bea, we could not have done this alone.

  Big heartfelt thanks to our brilliant, incomparable agents and comrades on this journey, Kerry Sparks and Bill Clegg. As well as our Take Me with You When You Go book home, Penguin Random House—including Melanie Nolan, our editor, as well as Barbara Marcus, Judith Haut, Emily Harburg, Jake Eldred, Arely Guzmán, Dominique Cimina, Mary McCue, Jillian Vandall, Morgan Maple, Barbara Perris, Janet Renard, Nancee Adams, Artie Bennett, Ray Shappell, Alison Kolani, John Adamo, Caitlin Whalen, Megan Mitchell, Kelly McGauley, Jules Kelly, Janine Perez, Elizabeth Ward, Jenn Inzetta, Kate Keating, Whitney Aaronson, Adrienne Waintraub, Kristin Schulz, Pam White, Jocelyn Lange, Lauren Morgan, and Catherine Kramer.

  Thank you also to the incredible Tito Merello for the beautiful cover. And to Ben Horslen and the amazing team at Penguin Random House UK for being our UK home.

  Thank you as well to Sylvie Rabineau and Anna DeRoy of WME for believing in us and our story.

  And oh the gratitude for Janet Geddis and Avid Books, as well as the Book Loft of A
melia Island, Florida, Once Upon a Bookseller in Saint Marys, Georgia, and Mitchell Kaplan’s Books & Books in Miami. Not to mention Little City Books, Books of Wonder, and every other indie bookshop, bookseller, teacher, and librarian on this planet. We can’t do what we do without you. You are our heroes.

  We are fortunate enough to be blessed with wonderful families and friends, who offer constant support, encouragement, inspiration, and love.

  Jennifer is eternally grateful for her husband and forever-first reader, Justin Conway, for being her person, her best, and her home. And to her kids and her literary cats—Rumi, Scout, Linus, Luna, Kevin, Zelda, and Roo, and the late great Lulu, prettiest soul kitty who ever lived. Writing is not the same without Queen Lulu sitting by Jennifer’s side (or on the keyboard) and yawning at the screen.

  Jennifer is also grateful for her beloved family, especially Bill Niven, surrogate dad, granddad, and kitty whisperer, and sister-cousin Lisa von Sprecken (tots and taters!). For her honorary brothers, Angelo Surmelis and Joe Kraemer, and honorary sisters, Ronni Davis, Kerry Kletter, Lisa Brucker, Beth Jennings White, Grecia Reyes, and Kami Garcia. For her early readers and their invaluable feedback—Adriana Mather, Annalise von Sprecken, Kenzie Vanacore, and Lila Vanacore. For the remarkable Kenzie, Lila, and Violeta Morales Fakih, whom Jennifer is lucky enough to work with on a regular basis. For Adriana Mather, James Bird, Jeff Zentner, Emily Henry, Brittany Cavallaro, Kerry Kletter, Angelo Surmelis, Danielle Paige, and their cherished kinship. And for Claudia Dane-Stroud, Patrick Dane, and Aaron Dane for home-cooked dinners, friendship, and kitty love. And for Angelica Carbajal and Stacy Monticello for being such bright places.

  Infinite thanks to Jennifer’s parents, Penelope Niven and Jack F. McJunkin Jr., for all they mean to her, on this earth and beyond. For teaching her to believe in herself. For teaching her she is limitless. For boundless, unconditional love, which still surrounds her, even though they are no longer here. I love you more than words.

  David is writing his acknowledgments at his father’s desk, while his mom is in the kitchen, calling to him that the cardinal is at the bird feeder. This feels exactly right. The fact that all the pieces in his life fit so well is entirely because of them. He’s also very happy to think of his dad smiling at the publication of this book; Dad was very happy to hear about it when it started—because David was so excited to write with Jennifer, and also because David finally, finally collaborated with someone whose last name came after his alphabetically.

  As is often the case with David, a good amount of this book was written with other people in the room, often themselves writing. So thanks to Billy Merrell, Nick Eliopulos, Zack Clark, Andrew Eliopulos, Nico Medina, Anica Rissi, Mike Ross, Ben Lindsay, Caleb Huett, Elizabeth Eulberg, Justin Weinberger, and the purveyors of coffee at Think and City of Saints. Thanks, too, to everyone at Scholastic.

  Finally, Jennifer and David would like to express their profound gratitude to their readers. You mean more to us than words can truly say.

  Authors’ Note and Resources

  Too many young people are struggling in silence. If you or someone you love is suffering from abuse, please reach out, speak up.

  You matter and you are not alone. Help is out there.

  HOTLINES/WEBSITES

  National Domestic Violence Hotline | thehotline.org

  1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

  Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline | childhelp.org

  1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

  NO MORE | nomore.org

  LGBT National Help Center | glbtnationalhelpcenter.org

  VictimConnect | victimconnect.org

  WomensLaw | womenslaw.org

  Match Group | mtch.com/​safety-details-international

  Futures Without Violence | futureswithoutviolence.org

  Women Against Abuse | womenagainstabuse.org

  Love Is Respect | loveisrespect.org

  Hotline: 1-866-331-9474

  That’s Not Cool | thatsnotcool.com/​?ref=logo

  The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) | ncadv.org

  Helpful page: NCADV’s Personalized Safety Plan

  ncadv.org/​personalized-safety-plan

  Mission statement:

  The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)’s mission is to lead, mobilize, and raise our voices to support efforts that demand a change of conditions that lead to domestic violence such as patriarchy, privilege, racism, sexism, and classism. We are dedicated to supporting survivors and holding offenders accountable and supporting advocates.

  The blog: ncadv.org/blog

  INSTAGRAM/SOCIAL MEDIA

  NO MORE | instagram.com/​nomoreorg

  The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence | instagram.com/ncadv

  Joyful Heart Foundation | instagram.com/thejhf

  Love Is Respect | instagram.com/​loveisrespectofficial

  RESOURCES/WHERE TO LEARN MORE

  Youth.Gov | youth.gov

  The National Child Traumatic Stress Network | nctsn.org

  American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry | aacap.org

  Additional: Trauma and Child Abuse Resource Center

  aacap.org/​AACAP/​Families_and_Youth/​Resource_Centers/​Child_Abuse_Resource_Center/​Home.aspx

  DAVID LEVITHAN’s many acclaimed novels include Every Day, Two Boys Kissing, and Boy Meets Boy. Some of his bestselling collaborations include Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist and the Dash & Lily series (both written with Rachel Cohn) and Will Grayson, Will Grayson (written with John Green). David received the Margaret A. Edwards Award for his contribution to YA literature.

  DAVIDLEVITHAN.COM

  JENNIFER NIVEN is the #1 New York Times and internationally bestselling author of All the Bright Places, Holding Up the Universe, and Breathless, in addition to several books for adults. Her books have been translated into over seventy-five languages and have won literary awards around the world. When she isn’t working on multiple book and TV projects, Jennifer also oversees Germ, a literary web magazine for high school age and beyond. Jennifer divides her time between coastal Georgia and Paris with her husband and literary cats.

  JENNIFERNIVEN.COM

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