Complete Works of Frances Burney

by Frances Burney

  “But what was it?” cried Miss Port.

  “Why, I tell you — a great, large lump of leather, with ‘Madame Schwellenberg’ wrote upon it. However, I’ve ordered it to be sold.”

  “To be sold? How will you have it sold, Sir? You might tell me that, when you please.”

  “Why, by auction, ma’am.”

  “By auction, Sir? What, when it had my name upon it? Upon my vord! — how come you to do dat, sir? Will you tell me, once?”

  “Why, I did it for the benefit of my man, ma’am, that he might have the money.”

  “But for what is your man to have it, when it is mine?”

  “Because, ma’am, it frightened him so.”

  “O, ver well! Do you rob, sir? Do you take what is not your own, but others’, sir, because your man is frightened?”

  “O yes, ma’am! We military men take all we can get!”

  “What! in the king’s house, Sir!”

  “Why then, ma’am, what business had it in my bed? My room’s my castle: nobody has a right there. My bed must be my treasury; and here they put me a thing into it big enough to be a bed itself.” ——

  “O! vell! (much alarmed) it might be my bed-case, then!” (Whenever Mrs. Schwellenberg travels, she carries her bed in a large black leather case, behind her servants’ carriage.)

  “ Very likely, ma’am.”

  “Then, sir,” very angrily, “how Come you by it?”

  “Why, I’ll tell you, ma’am. I was just going to bed; so MY servant took one candle, and I had the other. I had just had my hair done, and my curls were just rolled up, and he was going away; but I turned about, by accident, and I saw a great lump in my bed; so I thought it was my clothes. ‘What do you put them there for?’ says I. ‘Sir,’ says he, ‘it looks as if there was a drunken man in the bed.’ ‘A drunken man?’ says I; ‘Take the poker, then, and knock him on the head!’”

  “Knock him on the head?” interrupted Mrs. Schwellenberg, “What! when it might be some innocent person? Fie! Colonel Manners. I thought you had been too good-natured for such thing — to poker the people in the king’s house!”

  “Then what business have they to get into my bed, ma’am? So then my man looked nearer, and he said, ‘Sir, why, here’s your night-cap and here’s the pillow! — and here’s a great, large lump of leather!’ ‘Shovel it all out!’ says I. ‘Sir,’ says he, ‘It’s Madame Schwellenberg’s! here’s her name on it.’ ‘Well, then,’ says I, ‘sell it, to-morrow, to the saddler.’”

  “What! when you knew it was mine, sir? Upon my vord, you been ver

  good!” (bowing very low).

  “Well, ma’am, it’s all Colonel Wellbred, I dare say; so, suppose

  you and I were to take the law of him?”

  “Not I, sir!” (Scornfully).

  “Well, but let’s write him a letter, then, and frighten him: let’s tell him it’s sold, and he must make it good. You and I’ll do it together.”

  “No, sir; you might do it yourself. I am not so familiar to write to gentlemens.”

  “Why then, you shall only sign it, and I’ll frank it.”

  Here the entrance of some new person stopped the discussion.

  Happy in his success, he began, the next day, a new device: he made an attack in politics, and said, he did not doubt but Mr. Hastings would come to be hanged; though, he assured us, afterwards, he was firmly his friend, and believed no such thing.(236)

  Even with this not satisfied, he next told her that he had just heard Mr. Burke was in Windsor. Mr. Burke is the name in the world most obnoxious, both for his Reform bill,(237) which deeply affected all the household, and for his prosecution of Mr. Hastings; she therefore declaimed against him very warmly.

  “Should you like to know him, ma’am?” cried he.

  “Me? — No; not I.”

  “Because, I dare say, ma’am, I have interest enough with him to

  procure you his acquaintance. Shall I bring him to the Lodge to

  see you?”

  “When you please, sir, you might keep him to yourself!”

  Well, then, he shall come and dine with me,’and after it drink tea with you.”

  “No, no, not I! You might have him all to yourself.”

  “but if he comes, you must make his tea.”

  “There is no such ‘must,’ sir! I do it for my pleasure — only when I please, sir!”

  At night, when we were separating, he whispered Miss Port that he had something else in store for the next meeting, when he intended to introduce magnetising.

  MRS. SCHWELLENBERG’s FROGS.

  July 2.-What a stare was drawn from our new equerry(238) by Major Price’s gravely asking Mrs. Schwellenberg, after the health of her frogs? She answered they were very well, and the major said, “ You must know, Colonel Gwynn, Mrs. Schwellenberg keeps a pair of frogs,”

  “Of frogs? — pray what do they feed upon?”

  “Flies, sir,” she answered.

  “And pray, ma’am, what food have they in winter?”

  “Nothing other.”

  The stare was now still wider.

  “But I can make them croak when I will,” she added, “when I only go so to my snuff-box, knock, knock, knock, they croak all what I please. “Very pretty, indeed!” exclaimed Colonel Goldsworthy.

  “I thought to have some spawn,” she continued; “but then Maria

  Carlton, what you call Lady Doncaster, came and frightened them;

  I was never so angry!”

  “I am sorry for that,” cried the major, very seriously, “for else

  I should have begged a pair.”

  “So you meant, ma’am, to have had a breed of them,” cried Colonel

  Goldsworthy; “a breed of young frogs? Vastly clever, indeed!;

  Then followed a formal enumeration of their virtues and endearing little qualities, which made all laugh except the new equerry, who sat in perfect amaze.

  Then, suddenly, she stopped short, and called out, “There! now I have told you all this, you might tell something to me. I have talked enoff; now you might amuse me.”

  July 19.-In the afternoon, while I was working in Mrs. Schwellenberg’s room, Mr. Turbulent entered, to summon Miss Planta to the princesses; and, in the little while of executing that simple commission, he made such use of his very ungovernable and extraordinary eyes, that the moment he was gone, Mrs. Schwellenberg demanded “for what he looked so at me?”

  I desired to know what she meant.

  “Why, like when he was so cordial with you? Been you acquainted?”

  “O, yes!” cried I, “I spent three hours twice a-week upon the road with him and Miss Planta, all the winter; and three or four dinners and afternoons besides.”

  “O that’s nothing! that’s no acquaintance at all. I have had people to me, to travel and to dine, fourteen and fifteen years, and yet they been never so cordial!”

  This was too unanswerable for reply; but it determined me to try at some decided measure for restraining or changing looks and behaviour that excited such comments. And I thought my safest way would be fairly and frankly to tell him this very inquiry. It might put him upon his guard from such foolishness, without any more serious effort.

  July 20.-This evening Mrs. Schwellenberg was not well, and sent to desire I would receive the gentlemen to tea, and make her apologies. I immediately summoned my lively, and lovely young companion, Miss Port, who hastens at every call with good-humoured delight We had really a pleasant evening, though simply from the absence of spleen and jealousy, which seemed to renew and invigorate the spirits of all present: namely, General Budé, Signor del Campo, and Colonel Gwynn. They all stayed very late but when they made their exit, I dismissed my gay assistant and thought it incumbent on me to show myself upstairs; a reception was awaiting me! — so grim! But, what O heaven! how depressing, how cruel, to be fastened thus on an associate so exigeante, so tyrannical, and so ill-disposed!

  I feared to blame the equerries for havi
ng detained me, as they were already so much out of favour. I only, therefore, mentioned M. del Campo, who, as a foreign minister, might be allowed so much civility as not to be left to himself: for I was openly reproached- that I had not quitted them to hasten to her! Nothing, however, availed; and after vainly trying to appease her, I was obliged to go to my own room, to be in attendance for my royal summons.

  July 21.-I resolved to be very meek and patient, as I do, now and then, when I am good, and to bear this hard trial of causeless offence without resentment; and, therefore, I went this afternoon as soon as I had dined, and sat and worked, and forced conversation, and did my best, but with very indifferent success; when, most perversely, who should be again announced -but Mr. Turbulent. As I believe the visit was not, just after those “cordial” looks, supposed to be solely for the lady of the apartment, his reception was no better than mine had been the preceding days! He did not, however, regard it, but began a talk, in which he made it his business to involve me, by perpetual reference to my opinion. This did not much conciliate matters; and his rebuffs, from time to time, were so little ceremonious, that nothing but the most confirmed contempt could have kept off an angry resentment. I could sometimes scarcely help laughing at his utterly careless returns to an imperious haughtiness, vainly meant to abash and distance him. I took the earliest moment in my power to quit the room and the reproach with which he looked at my exit, for leaving him to such a tęte-ŕ-tęte, was quite risible. He knew he could not, in decency, run away immediately, to and he seemed ready to commit some desperate act for having drawn himself into such a difficulty. I am always rejoiced when his flights and follies bring their own punishment MR. TURBULENT’S ANTICS.

  July 25-Mr. Turbulent amused himself this morning with giving me yet another panic. He was ordered to attend the queen during her hair-dressing, as was Mr. de Luc. I remained in the room the queen conversed with us all three, as occasions arose, with the utmost complacency; but this person, instead of fixing there his sole attention, contrived, by standing behind her chair, and facing me, to address a language of signs to me the whole time, casting up his eyes, clasping ],is hands, and placing himself in various fine attitudes, and all with a humour so burlesque, that it was impossible to take it either ill or seriously. Indeed, when I am on the very point of the most alarmed displeasure with him, he always falls upon some such ridiculous devices of affected homage, that I grow ashamed of my anger, and hurry it over, lest he should perceive it, and attribute it to a misunderstanding he might think ridiculous in his turn.

  How much should I have been discountenanced had her majesty turned about and perceived him!

  (230) Colonel Greville, called in the “Diary” “Colonel Wellbred,” one of the king’s equerries, whom M. de Guiffardiere (“Mr. Turbulent”) was particularly anxious to introduce to Miss Burney.-ED.

  (231) I “The Paston Letters” were first published, from the original manuscripts, in 1787. They were chiefly written by or to members of the Paston family in Norfolk during the reigns of Henry VI., Edward IV., Richard III., and Henry VII. The letter above alluded to is No. 91 in the collection. It is a letter of good Counsel to his young son, written in a very tender and religious strain, by the Duke of Suffolk, on the 30th of April, 1450, the day on which he quitted England to undergo his five years’ banishment. The duke had been impeached of high treason, and condemned to this term of banishment, through the king’s interposition, to save him from a worse fate. But his fate was not to be eluded. He set sail on the 30th of April, was taken on the sea by his enemies, and beheaded on the 2nd of May following.-ED.

  (232) Miss Burney had obtained the tacit consent of the queen that M. de Guiffardiere should travel occasionally with the equerries, instead of taking his usual place in the coach assigned to the keepers of the robes. Her real motive in making the application had been a desire to see less of this boisterous gentleman, but she had put it upon his attachment to Colonel Greville-ED.

  (233) Benjamin -west, R.A., who succeeded Reynolds as President of the Royal Academy, on the death of the latter in 1792. This mediocre painter was a prodigious favourite with George III., for whom many of his works were executed.-ED.

  (234) The Duchess Jules de Polignac, the celebrated favourite of Marie Antoinette. She and her husband, who had been raised by the queen from a condition of positive poverty, were hated in France, both as Court favourites, and on account of the wealth which, it was believed, they had taken advantage of their position to amass. “Mille 6cus,” cried Mirabeau, “A la famille d’Assas pour avoir sauv6 l’etat; un million a la famille Polignac pour l’avoir perdu!”

  The ostensible object of the duches,’s visit to England was to drink the Bath Waters, but there are good grounds for believing that her real purpose was to make an arrangement with M. de la Motte for the suppression of some scurrilous Memoirs which it was rumoured his wife had written, and in which, among other things, Marie Antoinette was accused of being the principal culprit in the notorious Diamond Necldace fraud. M. de la Motte states in his autobiography that he met the Duchess Jules and her Sister-in-law, the Countess Diane, at the Duchess of Devonshire’s (the beautiful Georgiana), at the request of the latter, when certain overtures were made to him, and trustworthy authorities assert that a large sum of money was afterwards paid to the De la Mottes, to suppress the Memoirs which were however eventually published. When the French Revolution broke out the Polignacs were among the first to emigrate. The duchess died at Vienna in December, 1793, a few months after Marie Antoinette had perished on the scaffold.-ED.

  (235) Mrs. Schwellenberg had returned to Windsor the day before.-ED.

  (236) The storm had been gathering round Hastings ever since his return to England in June, 1785, within a week of which Burke had given notice in the House of Commons of a motion affecting the conduct of the late Governor-General in India. His impeachment was voted in May, 1787, and preparations for his trial were now going actively forward. We shall find hereafter, in the Diary, some sketches, from Fanny’s point of view, of scenes in this famous trial, which commenced in February, 1788.-ED.

  (237) This was an old grievance. In 1780 Burke had introduced a hill “for the better regulation of his majesty’s civil establishments, and of certain public offices; for the limitation of pensions, and the suppression of sundry useless, expensive and inconvenient places; and for applying the monies saved thereby to the public service.” The bill was defeated at the time, but was re-introduced with certain alterations, and finally passed both houses by a large majority in 1782.-ED.

  (238) Colonel Gwynn who had just arrived at Windsor to succeed

  Colonel Manners in the office of equerry in waiting to the King.

  Colonel Gwynn was the husband of Mary Horneck, Goldsmith’s

  “Jessamy Bride.”-ED

  SECTION 11. (1787-8.)

  COURT DUTIES: SOME VARIATIONS IN THEIR ROUTINE.

  MEETING OF THE TWO PRINCES.

  To-day, after a seven years’ absence, arrived the Duke of York. I saw him alight from his carriage, with an eagerness, a vivacity, that assured me of the affectionate joy with which he returned to his country and family. But the joy of his excellent father!-O, that there is no describing It was the glee of the first youth — nay, of ai ardent and innocent infancy, — so pure it seemed, so warm, so open, so unmixed! Softer joy was the queen’s — mild, equal, and touching while all the princesses were in one universal rapture.

  To have the pleasure of seeing the royal family in this happy assemblage, I accompanied Miss Port on the Terrace. It was indeed an affecting sight to view the general content; but that of the king went to my very heart, so delighted he looked-so proud Of his son — so benevolently pleased that every one should witness his satisfaction. The Terrace was very full; all Windsor and its neighbourhood poured in upon it, to see the prince whose whole demeanour seemed promising to merit his flattering reception — gay yet grateful — modest, yet unembarrassed……

  Early the next mornin
g arrived the Prince of Wales, who had travelled all night from Brighthelmstone. The day was a day Of complete happiness to the whole of the royal family; the king was in one transport of delight, unceasing, invariable; and though the newly-arrived duke was its source and Support the kindness of his heart extended and expanded to his eldest’ born, whom he seemed ready again to take to his paternal breast; indeed, the whole world seemed endeared to him by the happiness he now felt in it.

  Sunday, Aug. 5.-General Grenville brought in the duke this evening to the tea-room. I was very much pleased with his behaviour, which was modest, dignified, and easy. Might he but escape the contagion of surrounding examples, he seems promising of all his fond father expects and merits. . . .

  Kew, Aug. 7-The next day the now happy family had the delight of again seeing the two princes in its circle. They dined here; and the Princess Augusta, who came to Mrs. Schwellenberg’s room in the evening, on a message, said, “There never had been so happy a dinner since the world was created,” The king, In the evening, again drove out the queen and princesses. The Prince of Wales, seeing Mr. Smelt in our room (which, at Kew, is in the front of the house, as well as at Windsor), said he would come in and ask him how he did. Accordingly, in he came, and talked to Mr. Smelt for about a quarter of an hour; his subjects almost wholly his horses and his rides. He gave some account of his expedition to town to meet his brother. He was just preparing, at Brighton, to give a supper entertainment to Madame La Princesse de Lamballe, — when he perceived his courier. “I dare say,” he cried, “my brother’s come!” set off instantly to excuse himself to the princess, and arrived at Windsor by the time of early prayers, at eight o’clock the next morning.

  “To-day, again,” he said, “I resolved to be in town to meet my brother; we determined to dine somewhere together, but had not settled where; so hither we came. When I went last to Brighton, I rode one hundred and thirty miles, and then danced at the ball,. I am going back directly; but I shall ride to Windsor again for the birthday, and shall stay there till my brother’s, and then back on Friday. We are going now over the way: my brother wants to see the old mansion.”