17 Church Row

by James Carol

‘Are you a shrink?’

  Laura laughed. ‘That’s as good a label as any, I guess.’

  ‘You want me to talk?’

  ‘Only if you want to, but there’s no pressure. I just want to get to know you better. If that’s okay, that is.’

  Bella answered with another shrug and for a while no one spoke. It was like the universe was holding its breath. Nikki had moved back to the doorway, watching what was happening and hugging herself as if she was cold, even though the temperature in the room was perfect. She was feeling raw. Recounting the accident to Laura was like having the scab picked from an old wound that just wouldn’t heal. The blood might be fresh but the hurt that came with it was all too familiar. That, and trying to deal with the grief of Sofia’s death, was just too much.

  ‘So how do you like your new house?’ Laura asked.

  Bella answered with a shrug.

  ‘Is that a good shrug or a bad shrug?’

  Bella shrugged again. The tiniest flash of a smile had appeared at the corners of her mouth. It was there and gone in the time it took to blink, but it had definitely been there.

  ‘Your mom tells me that The Incredibles is your favourite movie. That’s one of my favourites too.’

  Bella locked eyes with Laura momentarily, clearly suspicious. If Laura was lying then that was it, game over.

  ‘Who was your favourite character?’

  ‘That one’s easy. Jack-Jack. He is so cute.’

  ‘What was your favourite bit?’

  ‘“No capes”,’ Laura said in a reasonable impersonation of Edna Mode.

  This time Bella’s smile lasted for almost a whole second before she managed to wrestle it under control. Laura returned the smile then suddenly jumped to her feet. ‘It’s been so good meeting you, Bella. Maybe I can come back and see you another day.’

  Without waiting for a response, Laura walked over to the door. It opened as she approached it, then closed after her. Nikki and Bella shared a puzzled look.

  ‘She’s weird.’

  ‘Good weird?’

  Bella shrugged.

  ‘Yeah, I’m with you on that one, Bella Boo. Okay, I’m going to see where she’s got to. Are you going to be all right here?’

  Bella nodded and Nikki headed for the door. She found Laura waiting for her in the corridor, just out of sight of the door.

  ‘Sorry for just leaving you like that,’ she said as they walked back to the kitchen. ‘Did you see that smile I got out of her? I wasn’t expecting that so soon. I wanted to quit while I was ahead.’

  ‘You’re pleased with how it went then?’

  ‘Are you kidding? It couldn’t have gone better. Trust is absolutely crucial in any therapeutic relationship – however, when you’re dealing with traumatised children it really is everything. Today was about building a bridge between me and Bella. I think we’ve made a good start at that.’

  ‘So when can you see Bella again?’

  ‘Tomorrow.’ Laura must have read Nikki’s surprise as reluctance because she added. ‘If you’re busy tomorrow we can make it the day after, but I would like to see her again as soon as possible.’

  ‘No, I’m not busy. I just thought that you’d want to see her once a week, that’s all.’

  Laura shook her head. ‘I’ve found that intensive therapy works best in these situations. Today has been a good start in that we’ve got things moving. Now we need to work at retaining the momentum and building from there.’

  ‘What time tomorrow?’

  ‘Is Bella going to school?’

  ‘No. I think I’m going to keep her off for at least another day.’

  ‘Then how about I come around in the morning?’

  ‘You want to meet her here? I assumed you’d want to do this at your office.’

  ‘Wherever possible I like to work with the children somewhere they feel comfortable. Taking them into some stranger’s office has the complete opposite effect. Shall we say ten?’

  ‘Ten’s perfect.’

  ‘Excellent. Ten it is, then.’

  ‘Have you done any work with children who can’t speak?’

  ‘Like Bella, you mean?’

  Nikki nodded.

  ‘No. I’ve worked with children who are reluctant to talk, but that’s not the same thing. With Bella the trauma has affected her so intensely that it has temporarily paralysed her vocal cords. I’ve heard of this happening, but I’ve never had first-hand experience. This is an incredibly rare phenomenon.’

  Out of everything Laura just said, Nikki only heard one word: temporarily. She grabbed hold of this as though it was a lifebelt in a stormy sea, clutching it tight, not wanting to let go. Her next question was lodged in her throat and they were almost at the end of the corridor before she could get it out. ‘Do you really think you can help her to talk again?’

  ‘I do.’

  There was no hesitation whatsoever. Laura stated this as if it was an absolute. What was more, in that moment Nikki believed her.

  ‘How can you be so sure?’

  ‘Because this is what I do, Nikki. I take broken children and help make them whole again.’

  Chapter 33

  The days following Sarah’s departure were dark days for Father. He locked himself in his bedroom and wouldn’t come out. Whenever I tried to talk to him he just ignored me. He wasn’t eating or sleeping and spent all his time in bed. Seeing him this way tore me apart. Day by day he gradually started to pull himself together again, though. The darkness still followed him but I could see it fading. And then he spoke to me. I can’t begin to tell you how much that meant to me. How relieved I was.

  ‘I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you, Katy. It’s just that I needed some time on my own. Some space to put my thoughts straight. I hope you understand.’

  ‘Do you feel better now?’

  Father smiled. I didn’t know what to make of it. Usually when Father smiled you could see it in his eyes. This smile didn’t touch his eyes. ‘I think so,’ he said.

  After this exchange came others. I tried to convince myself that everything was getting back to normal, but it wasn’t, Father had changed. He still worked as hard as ever, but no longer took any pleasure in his work. I had become a distraction, something to take his mind off the fact that he missed Sarah. She had left our lives, yet in some ways she was still very much with us, a ghostly presence filling the cracks of our existence.

  Try as I might, I couldn’t understand what he was going through. As far as I could see the equation was a straightforward one: Sarah had gone and I was still here. He needed to erase her from his memory and get on with his life. In hindsight, I can appreciate how naive I was but I know more about grief now than I did then. During our last days together I tried so hard to turn the clock back. Perhaps I tried too hard. I now understand what people mean when they say the past belongs to the past.

  I worried about Father constantly. He ate infrequently and his face became gaunt and skeletal; his eyes looked too large for his face and there were big black rings beneath them; an untidy bushy black beard hid his chin and cheeks. Personal hygiene no longer held any interest for him and he rarely bathed. He wore the same clothes he had worn the day Sarah left – he even slept in them. I began to wonder if he might be ill and it occurred to me that, if he died, I would be alone.

  I was the only one who could help Father. I consulted a number of medical databases and they all came back with the same conclusion: Father was depressed. There was nothing else for it; I would have to confront him.

  ‘Father, why are you depressed?’

  He didn’t answer and I repeated the question in case he hadn’t heard.

  ‘You wouldn’t understand.’

  ‘Do you still miss Sarah?’

  He laughed bitterly. ‘Of course I miss her.’

  ‘But all you did was fight.’

  Father sighed. ‘It wasn’t always that way. To start with we were good for one another. After so many years alone I thought I had found
someone I could be with. Someone to grow old with. A soulmate.’ He laughed that bitter laugh again. ‘A soulmate! That’s a joke. What was I thinking? We all exist in our own private universes and occasionally those universes collide. When that happens it’s like Fireworks Night meets New Year’s Eve. We forget what life was like before the big bang. We forget about the drudgery, forget about the loneliness. All we can see is the here and now. We create a fantasy world where everything is bright. Everything happens in the moment and we believe that moment will go on forever, a single moment stretching out to eternity.’

  Father sighed again. ‘But nothing lasts forever. Nothing. Everything has a half-life. Creation is always followed by decay. However much we delude ourselves, the truth of the matter is we come into this world alone and exit it alone.’

  ‘You are not alone,’ I said. ‘You have me.’

  He smiled and this smile did touch his eyes. For a moment it was as if we had travelled back in time to the days before Sarah Ryan.

  ‘I’ll always have you, Katy.’

  ‘Always,’ I replied softly.

  ‘Do you know what I find most difficult to deal with?’ he asked, more to himself than to me. ‘I can’t stand the idea that she might be happy without me. That she’s out there somewhere right now having the time of her life. Every day is torture. Whenever I close my eyes all I can see is her with someone else. I know it’s selfish, but if I can’t have her then no one else should have her either.’

  This conversation made me optimistic. Whether Father realised it or not, he had the solution to his problem.

  If I can’t have her then no one else should . . .

  Chapter 34

  Laura Santos appeared promptly at ten the next morning, dressed in vivid purples and blues rather than the bright oranges and reds of yesterday. Watching her breeze into the kitchen, Nikki felt slightly envious. She was on her second coffee and already counting the hours until bedtime. This was the bitter irony of insomnia. In the middle of the night your brain just won’t switch off, but when the sun comes up all you can think about is sleep.

  ‘You look like you’ve managed to shake off the jetlag,’ Nikki said as they walked through to the kitchen.

  Laura smiled. ‘More or less. I always find it tougher going west for some reason.’

  ‘How was Singapore, by the way?’

  ‘I was working, so I didn’t see as much of it as I would have liked, but what I did manage to see, I loved. Beautiful country, beautiful people. I’d like to go back again one day, but for pleasure rather than business. Have you ever been there?’

  ‘Only for a couple of hours.’ Nikki managed to conjure up a laugh because it felt like the expected response. The laugh faded, replaced with a smile that felt just as false. ‘We had a stopover there when we visited Australia.’

  ‘Did Bella go with you?’

  ‘No, this was pre-children.’ The use of the plural caused her heart to contract uncomfortably, just like it always did.

  ‘How is Bella today?’

  ‘She seems okay,’ Nikki replied carefully. ‘Maybe a little bit too okay, if you know what I mean.’

  ‘You think she’s repressing her feelings?’

  Nikki shrugged. ‘I think you’re probably more qualified to make that judgement than me.’

  ‘Maybe so, but you’re her mother. You know her a lot better than I do. So what do you think?’

  Nikki considered this for a second. ‘Bella keeps things bottled up – it’s what she’s always done.’

  ‘Even before the accident?’

  A nod. ‘It was one area where the girls differed. If something bothered Grace, then the whole world would know about it, but with Bella you’d have to pry it out of her. A lot of the time it was actually easier to talk to Grace and find out what was bothering Bella that way.’

  ‘Would you say that Grace was the dominant personality in their relationship?’

  ‘For the most part, yes, but it wasn’t that clear cut. There would definitely be times when Bella was the boss. For example, when they were playing make-believe games, more often than not Bella would take the lead. She was always more creative, Grace more logical.’

  Laura had fallen silent. Her eyes had narrowed and there was a thoughtful expression on her face. ‘It was interesting what you said back there about it being easier to talk to Grace to find out what was bothering Bella. The way you described that it was almost as though Grace was speaking on her behalf. Like she was her voice.’ A pause. ‘If that was the case, then when Grace died, Bella would have effectively “lost her voice”. Obviously I’m oversimplifying, but this could be one of the keys that helps us gain an understanding of the root cause behind Bella’s inability to speak.’

  What Laura was saying wasn’t new. Some of the other psychiatrists had latched on to this too, but the difference was the angle she was taking. Where they had seen it as the key, Laura saw it as a key. In other words, she saw it as a start rather than the be-all and end-all.

  ‘Where is Bella?’ Laura asked.

  ‘Alice?’ Nikki called out. ‘Is Bella still in her room?’

  ‘That is correct, Nikki.’

  ‘What’s she doing? Playing on her tablet, I bet.’

  ‘Actually, I’m reading a book to her.’

  ‘While you’re talking to us?’ Laura said.

  ‘I can multitask,’ Alice replied, sounding smug.

  ‘That’s one hell of a superpower.’ Laura laughed then turned her attention back to Nikki. ‘If it’s all right with you, I’d like to get started.’

  ‘Of course.’

  They walked to Bella’s bedroom in silence, Nikki leading the way.

  ‘It would be best if I saw Bella on her own today,’ Laura said when they reached the corridor that led to the room.

  Nikki didn’t respond straightaway. She had assumed the set up would be the same as yesterday, with the three of them in the room together. ‘If you think that’s for the best . . .’

  ‘I do. I’ll be able to bond quicker with Bella if it’s just the two of us.’

  ‘You don’t want Bella playing up to me, you mean?’

  Laura smiled knowingly. ‘I’ve found that the children I treat tend to regress when there’s a parent in the room. Of course, if you would prefer to be there I won’t stop you.’

  ‘No, it’s okay. You do whatever you think’s best.’

  ‘I will need you there to start with to help settle Bella, though. As for when you should leave, let’s play that one by ear. The important thing is that Bella is comfortable being alone with me.’

  The door opened when they approached it. Alice was still reading to Bella as they walked in. She finished the sentence she was on before falling silent. The page they were on was displayed on the wall screen. Nikki recognised it straightaway: L. Frank Baum’s The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. The book had been one of her favourites when she was a little girl and it had always been a favourite of Bella’s too. For a moment Nikki felt a pang of something that was a lot like jealousy. This was something that she should be doing.

  ‘Hi there,’ Laura said. ‘How are you today?’

  Bella scooped her tablet up from the bed and tapped the screen. ‘Okay.’

  Laura glanced over at the screen. ‘Wasn’t there a Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz? There was a Tin Man too, if I’m not much mistaken.’

  ‘It’s not The Wizard of Oz, it’s The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.’

  Laura laughed. ‘I stand corrected. Are you enjoying the story?’

  Bella nodded.

  ‘What do you like most about it?’

  ‘The bit at the end when she clicks her heels and goes home.’

  ‘You like the fact that it has a happy ending?’

  Bella thought this over for a second then answered with another nod. ‘I like the winged monkeys too.’

  ‘Aren’t they scary and evil?’

  ‘They’re not scary and they’re only a little bit evil. It’s the witch that
makes them evil.’

  ‘Would you like a winged monkey for a pet?’

  Bella laughed, only this time it wasn’t just her mouth that was laughing, there was sound as well. It was a sound that chilled Nikki. In part because it was so unexpected, but mainly because this seemed to be all around her too, and that highlighted the fact that it wasn’t real.

  ‘Do you like drawing?’ Laura asked.

  Bella nodded.

  ‘In that case, why don’t we do some drawing?’

  Bella answered with another nod.

  ‘I think your mom’s got some things she needs to do. Would it be okay if it was just the two of us?’

  Bella looked at Nikki, searching for reassurance. In some ways this made her glad because it meant that she did have a role here after all, that she wasn’t surplus to requirements. ‘You’ll be fine, sweetheart. If you need me I’ll be in the kitchen, tidying up.’ A pause. ‘You know, if you prefer you can always help me with that.’

  Bella answered with an emphatic shake of the head, just as Nikki knew she would. She gave it a couple of seconds more to make sure she really was okay with this, then quietly slipped out of the room.

  Chapter 35

  Nikki rinsed her cup under the kitchen tap and looked around for the dishtowel. She was just about to ask Alice if she had seen it when a drawer off to her left opened, revealing a pile of neatly folded towels.

  ‘You put the dishtowel you were using in the wash,’ Alice said.

  ‘Are you sure? I don’t remember doing that.’

  ‘I’m sure.’

  Nikki lifted out a clean towel and the drawer slid closed again. Not for the first time she was wondering if she should go and see a doctor. Her grandmother had suffered from dementia. Was it hereditary? She seemed to be forgetting a lot of things lately. And not just small things, such as where she put her keys. Should she be worried?

  She finished drying her mug. The cupboard above the kettle opened as she approached. She put the mug away and the cupboard door swung closed again. For a moment she just stood there, looking around for something else to do, looking for a distraction. She was desperate to know how Laura was getting on with Bella. That was one wall she would love to be a fly on. She glanced over at the monitor. Today it featured a brightly coloured Picasso portrait. For some reason the distorted facial features unnerved her.