Alannah
I drive through the gates knowing Cas won’t like me coming here. A dull ache creeps up my arm as the last painkiller begins to wear off and I park in my usual spot by the main house.
I still can’t believe that asshole took over our club, but, we have it back now and I’m hoping to walk inside and see Ellis’s body dead on the floor. There’s always so much I see when I look at this place, loyalty, family, protection…my home. But then the bad weaves itself in and I see and feel the violence, the blood, and loss. Death lingers here as much as life does and sometimes it’s hard to be here when all you can see are bloody memories and ghosts.
Turning in my seat, Rayna has drifted off to sleep during the drive. When she wakes up she’s going to want her momma and daddy. My arm makes it hard work getting her seat out and by the time I make it halfway to the bar door, a prospect quietly takes the baby seat from me and silently walks beside me.
“Where’s my son?” I ask him.
“He’s…um…Luca took him upstairs?”
“He’s not with India?”
She’s the one he came here for.
“Um…no…and Cas followed them up.”
Walking inside, the atmosphere is flat. Whispers hit my ears, but no one is making eye contact with me. A large pool of blood is congealing on the floor and my heart races away with itself as dread sets in. I spin on the prospect.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
“You should go and see Leo,” he tells me and goes to hand over Rayna. Shaking my head, I tell him, “Watch her like a hawk. Take your eyes off her and I’ll have my husband scoop your eyes out with a spoon. Got it?”
“Got it,” he answers quickly.
“Good.”
Again, no one makes eye contact with me as I pass the brothers. Ricky sits with Kyla as they hold a sobbing Victoria.
Upstairs is quiet and I find Luca sat on the floor, with his back against the wall outside Leo’s room. His head is hung and his fingers grip around his ankles so hard his knuckles are white.
“Luca.”
His head shoots up hearing his name and he jumps up to his feet. He comes towards me and wraps his arms around me. My boy hasn’t hugged me since puberty and now he clings to me. Holding him back, I see he’s shaking and on the verge of throwing up.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart?”
He pulls back, frowning. “Haven’t you heard?”
He steps back and opens Leo’s door. Cas is sitting on the bed, pale like I’ve never seen on him before, and my eldest son’s cries hit my heart like a knife.
Darting into the room, Cas stands and grabs onto my arm.
“Talk to me, Cas.”
“Ellis. He killed India.”
No.
Oh my god.
As if Leo can hear, a roar comes from the bathroom and I shrug out of Cas’s hold. Slamming the door with the palm of my hand, it bangs against the wall and it’s a mother’s nightmare. Curled up, shivering under the cold spray of water, my son is broken. I lean over him and shut the water off, I reach for the towels and cover him over.
Blood is splattered across the tiles and I push through the bile that is threatening to rise. It’s like he’s forgotten how to function, and I understand that. Helping him up, I guide him into the bedroom. Luca steps inside and Cas frowns at the sight of his son.
“She’s dead,” Leo whispers.
There is no anger in his eyes, only an eternity of grief already settling inside him. For the sake of my son, I push out my breaking heart and think with my head.
“Which means the path you’re on is going to be the longest, most dangerous path you’ve ever walked. You don’t have time to question what happened or what you could have done or shouldn’t have done. It won’t help, not right now.”
I take the towel from his shoulders and pat his arms down. I spy their bags, still unpacked from our trip to Mercy, and I snatch one of his tees laid on top.
Shaking it out, I do exactly what I did when he was a child and pop the shirt over his head.
“You won’t ever feel better for killing him but leaving him alive won’t be a regret you’ll live with. Hunt him down and make him regret. When he’s the one taking his last breath, that’s when you can shut down and drown in pain surrounded by your family and your brothers.”
He’s looking at me, but there is nothing behind the grief. He’s like a stranger before me.
“Lean on your brothers, Leo,” I urge him.
The last thing he should do is sink into himself, no matter how easy that would be to do. Cas steps up and rests his hand on Leo’s shoulder.
“It’s crippling me that she was taken from you, but during all my years on this earth it has taught me that anger is a lot easier to deal with than raw pain. Don’t think of her, don’t let the image of her invade your mind, use the rage you’re feeling to find the energy you’ll need to hunt him down.”
His father gets a reaction from him and then he’s turning his back on us and grabbing his jeans from the chair in the corner of the room.
Cas places his hand at my lower back and guides me out of the room. When I first had Leo, I thought the worry I felt over him would ease with each day that passed and he got older. I quickly realised that the worry grew each day and escalated when he was old enough to leave home. It’s the same with Luca. All you want for your children is for them to be safe and happy, my boys aren’t safe and one of them will most likely be never happy again.
“What happened?” I ask as soon as we’re at the top of the stairs and alone.
“He shot India in the head, and then while Leo was down on the floor with her, Ellis took off with Harper.”
“No.”
“Yeah.”
“He’s never going to be the same,” I whisper the words through a thick throat.
“No shit, babe,” he grunts, and I widen my eyes at him. “Don’t look at me like that.”
How the hell should I look at him?
“He saw his fiancé, the mother of his kid die in front of him, he’s never going to smile again, let alone be the same, and here you are, sending him out on a murder mission.”
I spin around to face my youngest son standing half way up the stairs and the disgust on his face is very clear to see.
“Son,” Cas starts but our boy storms past us and into the room he’s been staying in while we’ve been here.
“Leave him, we’ll talk to him later. Come on, you need to be with the brothers. Leo will leave the first chance he gets.”
As we walk down the stairs, Kristen is sat on the couch holding Rayna as she cries. Zach and his old lady sit with her and my first instinct is to go and get my granddaughter. She doesn’t need to be around such sadness. She’s already motherless and going to grow up without a mommy to run to, and as I know how that feels, my bond with my granddaughter is growing stronger by the minute.
“I’m going to get Rayna, you do what you got to do,” I say to Cas and jump out of my skin when Leo speaks up from behind us.
I didn’t realise he had come down yet.
“No,” he grunts. “She stays with Kristen, she needs her right now.”
“So do you,” I argue.
I can sense Cas wanting me to keep my mouth shut, but I know he won’t come out and say it, not when it comes to my son.
Leo shakes his head and checks the barrel of his gun.
“No, like you said, I’ve got shit to handle, she stays with Kristen.”
He walks outside and I’m left biting my tongue. Sure, Kristen is her grandmother too, but she is grieving hard right now, and it’s bound to effect Rayna in her arms.
I follow Leo out, but stay by the door when Cas catches me up.
“Leave him, if it were you, I’d be doing the same.”
“Rayna should be with us.”
“She will be in time, but for now, I need you. Harper is missing and a young girl, who was going to be our daughter is dead, I fucking need you.”
JJ joins Leo and together, like always, they climb on their bikes and ride out of the club. The club has crumbled before and it’s always built itself back up, I have to have hope it will again.
“Tell me what you need?”
This is what he needs to hear and quite frankly, I need something to do to take my mind off my son riding to god knows where on a murder mission. Don’t get me wrong, I feel nothing for Ellis and when he dies it’ll be a weight off my shoulders. He’s taken too much from this club and it ends, hopefully, today.
“Go and see Slade, I don’t want him alone for too long with her body.”
Casting one last look at Rayna, I head for the back of the club. The last person who lost their life and was laid in this room, was Oak. It’s cold when I step inside and close the door behind me. A white towel is covering her head and Slade is holding her hand as he rests his head on them. Blood stains her jeans and her sweater is stretched out and covered in even more blood than her jeans. One of her shoes are missing and I have no idea why I’m focused on such things. I pull up the chair from the corner and place it next to Slade. Tension has been tight between us ever since it came out that Leo and India had been seeing each other and the pregnancy made it worse. It got slightly better when Rayna was born, but not by much. Kristen’s always had a stick up her ass about the club, but everyone allows it because she’s Slade’s old lady and she doesn’t come around the place very often.
I rub my hand up and down his back and I don’t know how he knows it’s me as he hasn’t looked up since I came in, but he cries my name and I move closer and hug him.
“I don’t know how I’m breathing,” he admits, sobbing. “It isn’t real, it can’t be.”
“Of course it doesn’t. It’s so wrong, I could kill him myself.”
He sits up straight and I pull back to give him his space. His face is saturated with his tears and when he looks at me, the disbelief and confusion shines through the water pooling in his eyes.
“She wasn’t a part of this,” he says. “No matter what happens in the club, they don’t factor into any fight.”
Because we’re not dealing with your average enemy, I think to myself.
“Do you need me to do anything? Name it and I will get it done for you.”
He shakes his head slowly, no doubt able to think straight right now. I keep my eyes off the body and keep going.
“Are you sure?”
“I just want to be alone.”
Standing, I lean over and hug him once more. He holds my hand in return for a few moments and then I leave him be. I avoid the bar and slip out the back door. Everything is the worst it’s ever been.
Cas
“Cas?”
I snap out of my thoughts and Lily is sitting herself down on the chair beside me. Alannah is still with Slade, not that she would be worried seeing the two of us like this, but still, I like to keep my distance where this woman is concerned, for my sanity and her safety. I’ll never forgive her for keeping Harper from me.
“What do you want, Lily? As you can see, I’m a little preoccupied.”
Her jaw flexes as she keeps her temper reigned in with my reluctance to speak to her.
“And if you’re here to make sure I bring Harper home, don’t bother, she’s top of my list. You don’t need to bother asking.”
“If you give me a chance to speak, I was going to tell you that while you barely know her, I do, and below the façade she wears, she just wants to feel a part of something-”
“And whose fault is it she feels that way, ‘cause it wouldn’t have been mine if I knew about her.”
The fucking nerve on this woman.
“Please. Listen,” she snaps. “When she came through that door with Leo, it was like I could already see how it was going to end. She wouldn’t have done it before she knew about you or her brothers, she thinks she can help because it’s her he wants and because she’d want to feel connected to you. She’ll stay with him as long as he stays away from you, JJ, from everyone.”
Yeah, I tend to agree, and I haven’t known her long.
“What are you asking, Lily? Just spit it out so I can get on finding my daughter.”
“I’m not asking for anything, I’m trying to tell you that even if you bring her home, she won’t be her. Last night he took her upstairs and when he brought her down this morning, she was a shell blindly listening to his every word.”
My mouth dries and I crave a smoke, bad.
“It doesn’t matter what state she comes back in, she’s coming back, and we’ll make it right when she does.”
Nodding, she seems to relax, taking my word as gospel.
“I need her, Cas. I need her to come back to me.”
Snorting, I barely contain my amusement.
“You’re mistaken, Lily. I’m not bringing her home to you. I’m bringing her home to me and my family. You had twenty-odd years with her and look how that turned out. I’ll be the one she turns too, I’ll be the one who makes sure she returns to the Harper before and I sure as shit will be the dad she always wanted. You’re irrelevant now and you have no place here. Maybe you should think about moving on.”
“What? That old cliché? You gonna pay me to go or something?”
“Fuck no. My money is too good for you. I originally thought I couldn’t touch you because you were her mom, but the longer you’re around and the more I learn, that counts for shit. If she doesn’t come home and I don’t get to make up for the years I’ve missed, you’re not just gone, you’re dead. So you pray I find her, for your own life, you fucking pray.”
Her golden tan begins to pale and water pools in her eyes. They have zero fucking effect on me, and I’m surprised she doesn’t know that.
“You were always cold but now you’re just cruel.”
“No, this is who I am when shit flows over my family. Only you wouldn’t have seen that because you fled with her.”
The sickness returns and I exhale heavily and breathe in slowly to quell it. “Now fuck off before I wrap my hands around your neck and take every last ounce of your breath from you.”
Her chair slides out, scraping against the floor and my ears and my phone rings for the tenth time today and I don’t need to look to know it’s the hospital. Looking around my club, the club I’m supposed to keep a safe place, my brothers need me more.
Lily disappears and I don’t give a fuck where. I hope she does leave town, it’s not like I’ll be letting Alannah invite her to anymore dinners and family days. And thinking of family, Luca is perched by the bar, and Sparky is making his way over to me before he leaves to join up with our sons.
“Luca!” I didn’t mean to snap, it came out wrong, but my boy isn’t soft and takes no offence as he struts over.
Leo is my first born but Luca is more of me. He has no reason to be the brooding little shit he is, but I guess it’s just something I passed down to him.
“You’re going to go with Sparks, don’t leave his side, do everything he tells you. No fucking heroics, you get me?”
“I got you.”
“Good.” Taking a deep breath, I dig my keys from my jeans pocket and hand them over to my son. “Take my bike. Don’t fuck it up.”
“Dad?”
“Yours isn’t ready and it isn’t here. Take mine, break it, I’ll break your fucking legs,” I threaten him, but the eye roll he gives me makes me smirk, he knows I won’t do shit.
He struts outside and I pray I don’t regret handing him my pride and joy. But in these dark times, there are calls for big sacrifices.
“Do you need anything before I leave?” Sparky asks me and there is a whole list I could spin off.
“Our sons are out there; my daughter is fuck knows where with a fucking psycho and I can’t even take a step without wanting to hurl. I’m weak as fuck when my family needs me the most.”
“Brother…”
I brush him off, there isn’t time for him to pander to me and I don’t have the pat
ience to watch the pity in his eyes.
“Leo won’t have gotten very far, take everyone, you’re now in charge, what you say on the road, goes. Anyone has a problem with it, deal with it, take no shit.”
I don’t think he would, but I have to say it.
“No shit is being taken today; I’ll check in when I can.”
With that said, he too leaves and rolls out with the rest of the brothers. Holding down my stomach, I’m grateful when the prospect walks by.
“Tal.”
He stops immediately and comes over.
“After you messed up with Harper, I didn’t want to keep you around. Make it up to me now. You lock the place down and hold it till I or Sparky return. Hear me?”
“Yes, Prez.”
“Hold it down and you’ll get the patch. Now get my old lady.”
I can’t hide this much longer, and I must lose time because when my nausea subsides enough for me to concentrate on something, anything, but how I’m fucking feeling, Alannah is in front of me.
“Cas?”
“Get me to the hospital, babe.”
* * *
“Mr Jackson, you really should answer our calls. You’re lucky I’m still here, I should have left for my daughter’s piano recital an hour ago.”
I refrain from rolling my eyes. An hour ago, I was staring at a hole in the head of my granddaughter’s mother. It’s safe to say I couldn’t give a shit what he’s late for. It’s been hard enough on previous visits not to launch over the table and smash his head against the wood because he’s a jumped-up prick, taking one look at me in my leather and judging my ass. Today is not a day to push me much further.
“I’ve been feeling like shit, why?”
They ran a bunch of tests before it all kicked off with Ellis and they best have my results back.
“That’ll be you messing your therapy around, I warned you you’d need to be at every appointment, and that this was serious.”
His One Regret: Sons Of Lost Souls MC Book Four Page 8