Elbow-Room: A Novel Without a Plot

by Charles Heber Clark

  CHAPTER XV.

  _LOVE, SUFFERING AND SUICIDE_.

  Peter Lamb, a young man who is employed in one of the village stores,some time ago conceived a very strong passion for a neighbor of his,Miss Julia Brown, the doctor's daughter. But the Fates seemed to beagainst the successful prosecution of his suit, for he managed toplunge into a series of catastrophes in the presence of the younglady, and to make himself so absurd that even his affection seemedridiculous. One summer evening, when he was just beginning to makeadvances, Miss Brown came over to see Peter's sister, and the twogirls sat out upon the front porch together in the darkness, talking.Peter plays a little upon the bugle, and it occurred to him that itwould be a good thing to exhibit his skill to Julia. So he went intothe dark parlor and felt over the top of the piano for the horn. Ithappened that his aunt from Penn's Grove had been there that day andhad left her brass ear-trumpet lying on the piano, and Peter got holdof this without perceiving the mistake, as the two were of similarshape. He took it in his hand and went out on the porch where MissBrown was sitting. He asked Miss Brown if she was fond of music on thehorn; and when she said she adored it, he asked her how she would likehim to play "Ever of Thee;" and she said that was the only tune shecared anything for.

  So Peter put the small end of the trumpet to his lips and blew. Heblew and blew. Then he blew some more, and then he drew a fresh breathand blew again. The only sound that came was a hollow moan, whichsounded so queerly in the darkness that Miss Brown asked him if he wasnot well. And when he said he was, she said that he went exactly likea second cousin of hers that had the asthma.

  Then Peter remarked that somehow the horn was out of order for "Everof Thee;" but if Miss Brown would like to hear "Sweetly I dreamed,Love," he would try to play it, and Miss Brown said that the fondestrecollections clustered about the melody.

  So Peter put the trumpet to his lips again and strained his lungsseverely in an effort to make some music. It wouldn't come, but hemade a very singular noise, which induced Miss Brown to ask if thehorse in the stable back of the house had heaves. Then Peter said hethought somebody must have plugged the bugle up with something, andhe asked his sister to light the gas in the entry while he cleaned itout. When she did so, the ear-trumpet became painfully conspicuous,and both the girls laughed. When Miss Brown laughed, Peter looked upat her with pain in his face, put on his hat and went out into thestreet, where he could express his feelings in violent terms.

  A few nights later the Browns had a tea-party, to which Mr. Lamb wasinvited. He went, determined to do his full share of entertaining thecompany. While supper was in progress, Mr. Lamb said in a loud voice,

  "By the way, did you read that mighty good thing in the _Patriot_ theother day about the woman over in Bridgeport? It was one of the mostamusing things that ever came under my observation. The woman's name,you see, was Emma. Well, there were two young fellows paying attentionto her, and after she'd accepted one of them the other also proposedto her and as she felt certain that the first one wasn't in earnest,she accepted the second one too. So a few days later both of 'emcalled at the same time, both claimed her hand, and both insisted onmarrying her at once. Then, of course, she found herself face to facewith a mighty unpleasant--unpleasant--Er--er--er--Less see; what's theword I want? Unpleasant--Er--er--Blamed if I haven't forgotten thatword."

  "Predicament," suggested Mr. Potts.

  "No, that's not it. What's the name of that thing with two horns?Unpleasant--Er--er--Hang it! it's gone clear out of my mind."

  "A cow," hinted Miss Mooney.

  "No, not a cow."

  "Maybe it's a buffalo," remarked Dr. Dox.

  "No, no kind of an animal. Something else with two horns. Mighty queerI can't recall it."

  "Perhaps it's a brass band," observed Butterwick.

  "Or a man who's had a couple of drinks," suggested Dr. Brown.

  "Of course not."

  "You don't mean a fire company?" asked Mrs. Banger.

  "N--no. That's the confounded queerest thing I ever heard of, that Ican't remember that word," said Mr. Lamb, getting warm and beginningto feel miserable.

  "Well, give us the rest of the story without it," said Potts.

  "That's the mischief of it," said Mr. Lamb. "The whole joke turns onthat infernal word."

  "_Two_ horns did you say?" asked Dr. Dox. "Maybe it is a catfish."

  "Or a snail," remarked Judge Twiddler.

  "N--no; none of those."

  "Is it an elephant or a walrus?" asked Mrs. Dox.

  "I guess I'll have to give it up," said Mr. Lamb, wiping theperspiration from his brow.

  "Well, that's the sickest old story I ever encountered," remarkedButterwick to Potts. Then everybody smiled, and Mr. Lamb, lookingfurtively at Julia, appeared to feel as if he would welcome death onthe spot.

  The mystery is yet unsolved; but it is believed that Peter wastrying to build up the woman's name, Emma, into a pun upon the word"dilemma." The secret, however, is buried in his bosom.

  Peter professes to be an expert in legerdemain, and he came to Brown'sprepared to perform some of his best feats. When the company assembledin the drawing-room after tea, he determined to redeem the fearfulblunder that he had made in the dining-room.

  Several of the magicians who perform in public do what they call"the gold-fish trick." The juggler stands upon the stage, throws ahandkerchief over his extended arm and produces in succession three orfour shallow glass dishes filled to the brim with water in which livegold-fish are swimming. Of course the dishes are concealed somehowupon the person of the performer.

  Peter had discovered how the trick was done, and he resolved to do itnow. So the folks all gathered in one end of the parlor, and in a fewmoments Lamb entered the door at the other end. He said,

  "Ladies and gentlemen, you will perceive that I have nothing about meexcept my ordinary clothing; and yet I shall produce presently twodishes filled with water and living fish. Please watch me narrowly."

  Then Peter flung the handkerchief over his hand and arm, and we couldsee that he was working away vigorously at something beneath it. Hecontinued for some moments, and still the gold-fish did not appear. Thenhe began to grow very red in the face, and we saw that something was thematter. Then the perspiration began to stand on Peter's forehead, andMrs. Brown asked him if anything serious was the matter. Then thecompany smiled, and the magician grew redder; but he kept on fumblingbeneath that handkerchief, and apparently trying to reach around underhis coat-tails. Then we heard something snap, and the next moment aquart of water ran down the wizard's left leg and spread out over thecarpet. By this time he looked as if joy had forsaken him for ever. Butstill he continued to feel around under the handkerchief. At lastanother snap was heard, and another quart of water plunged down hisright leg and formed a pool about his shoe. Then the necromancerhurriedly said that the experiment had failed somehow, and he dartedinto the dining-room. We followed him, and found him sitting on the sofatrying to remove his pantaloons. He exclaimed,

  "Oh, gracious! Come here quick, and pull these off! They're soakingwet, and I've got fifteen live gold-fish inside my trousers flippingaround, and rasping the skin with their fins enough to set a mancrazy. Ouch! Hurry that shoe off, and catch that fish there at my leftknee, or I'll have to howl right out."

  THE GOLDFISH TRICK]

  Then we undressed him and picked the fish out of his clothes, and wediscovered that he had had two dishes full of water and covered withIndia-rubber tops strapped inside his trousers behind. In his struggleto get at them he had torn the covers to rags. We fixed him up in apair of Dr. Brown's trousers, which were six inches too short forhim, and then he climbed over the back fence and went home. Suchmisfortunes would have discouraged most men utterly, but Peter wasdesperately in love; and a week or two later, without stopping toestimate his chances, he proposed to his fair enchantress. She refusedhim promptly, of course. He seemed almost wild over his defeat, andhis friends feared that some evil consequences would ensue. Theirapp
rehensions were realized. Peter called upon young Potts and askedhim if he had a revolver, and Potts said he had. Peter asked Potts tolend it to him, and Potts did so. Then Peter informed Potts that hehad made up his mind to commit suicide. He said that since Miss Brownhad dealt so unkindly with him he felt that life was an insupportableburden, and he could find relief only in the tomb. He intended to godown by the river-shore and there blow out his brains, and so end allthis suffering and grief and bid farewell to a world that had growndark to him. He said that he mentioned the fact to Potts in confidencebecause he wanted him to perform some little offices for him when hewas gone. He entrusted to Potts a sonnet entitled "A Last Farewell,"and addressed to Julia Brown. This he asked should be delivered toMiss Brown as soon as his corpse was discovered. He said it mightexcite a pang in her bosom and induce her to cherish his memory. Thenhe gave Potts his watch as a keepsake, and handed him forty dollars,with which he desired Mr. Potts to purchase a tombstone. He said hewould prefer a plain one with his simple name cut upon it, and hewanted the funeral to be as unostentatious as possible.

  Potts promised to fulfill these commissions, and he suggested that hewould lend Mr. Lamb a bowie-knife, with which he could slash himselfup if the pistol failed.

  But the suicide said that he would make sure work with the revolver,although he was much obliged for the offer all the same. He said hewould like Potts to go around in the morning and break the news asgently as possible to his unhappy mother, and to tell her that hislast thought was of her. But he particularly requested that she wouldnot put on mourning for her erring son.

  Then he said that the awful act would be performed on the beach, justbelow the gas-works, and he wished Potts to come out with some kind ofa vehicle to bring the remains home. If Julia came to the funeral,she was to have a seat in the carriage next to the hearse; and if shewanted his heart, it was to be given to her in alcohol. It beat onlyfor her. Potts was to tell his employers at the store that he partedwith them with regret, but doubtless they would find some other personmore worthy of their confidence and esteem. He said he didn't carewhere he was buried, but let it be in some lonely place far from theturmoil and trouble of the world--some place where the grass growsgreen and where the birds come to carol in the early spring-time.

  Mr. Potts asked him if he preferred a deep or a shallow grave; but Mr.Lamb said it made very little difference--when the spirit was gone,the mere earthly clay was of little account. He owed seventy cents forbilliards down at the saloon, and Potts was to pay that out of themoney in his hands, and to request the clergyman not to preach asermon at the cemetery. Then he shook hands with Potts and went awayto his awful doom.

  The next morning Mr. Potts wrote to Julia, stopped in to tell them atthe store, and nearly killed Mrs. Lamb with the intelligence. Then heborrowed Bradley's wagon; and taking with him the coroner, he droveout to the beach, just below the gas-works, to fetch home themutilated corpse. When they reached the spot, the body was not there,and Potts said he was very much afraid it had been washed away by theflood tide. So they drove up to Keyser's house, about half a milefrom the shore, to ask if any of the folks there had heard the fatalpistol-shot or seen the body.

  On going around to the wood-pile they saw Keyser holding a terrier dogbacked close up against a log. The dog's tail was lying across thelog, and another man had the axe uplifted. A second later the axedescended and cut the tail off close to the dog, and while Keyserrestrained the frantic animal, the other man touched the bleedingstump with caustic. As they let the dog go Potts was amazed to seethat the chopper was the wretched suicide. He was amazed, butbefore he could ask any questions Peter stepped up to him and said,"Hush-sh-sh! Don't say anything about that matter. I thought betterof it. The pistol looked so blamed dangerous when I cocked it that Ichanged my mind and came over here to Keyser's to stay all night. I'mgoing to live just to spite that Brown girl."

  A CURTAILMENT]

  Then the coroner said that he didn't consider he had been treated likea gentleman, and he had half a notion to give Mr. Lamb a pounding.But they all drove home in the wagon, and just as Mrs. Lamb got donehugging Peter a letter was handed him containing the sonnet he hadsent Julia. She returned it with the remark that it was the mostdreadful nonsense she ever read, and that she knew he hadn't courageenough to kill himself. Then Peter went back to the store, and wassurprised to find that his employers had so little emotion as to dockhim for half a day's absence. What he wants now is to ascertain if hecannot compel Potts to give up that watch. Potts says he has too muchrespect for the memory of his unfortunate friend to part with it, buthe is really sorry now that he ordered that tombstone. On the first ofMay, Peter's bleeding heart had been so far stanched as to enable himto begin skirmishing around the affections of a girl named Smith; andif she refuses him, he thinks that tombstone may yet come into play.But we all have our doubts about it.