Elbow-Room: A Novel Without a Plot

by Charles Heber Clark

  CHAPTER XXVII.

  _GENERAL TRUMPS OF THE MILITIA_.

  The principal warrior in our community is General Trumps, thecommander of the militia of the district. The general has seen servicein the South and West, and is a pretty good soldier. In these happydays of peace, however, he does not often have an opportunity todisplay his fighting qualities, but sometimes even now, when he isprovoked to wrath, he becomes bloodthirsty and ferocious. Last summerthe general went to Cape May. Previous to his arrival two young men,whom I will call Brown and Jones, occupied adjoining rooms at acertain hotel. One day Brown fixed a string to the covers on Jones'bed and ran the cord through the door into his own room. His purposewas to pull the covers off as soon as Jones got comfortably fixed forthe night. But that afternoon General Trumps came down; and as thehotel was crowded, the landlord put Jones in the room with Brown andgave Jones' apartment to the general. Brown forgot about the string,and he and Jones went to bed. About midnight Jones' dog, whileprowling around the room, got the string tangled about his leg, and instruggling to reach the window he slowly dragged the bed-clothes offof the soldier, next door. That gentleman awoke, and after scoldinghis wife for removing the blankets went to sleep again. PresentlyJones' dog saw a rat and darted after it. Off came the covers again.Then the man of war was angry. He roused his wife and scolded hervigorously. She protested her innocence, and while she was speakingJones' dog heard another dog outside, and hurried to the window tobark. The covers were again removed. Then the general fumbled aboutuntil he found the cord. Then he loaded up his revolver, drew hissword and dared Jones and Brown to open their door and come out intothe entry. They peeped at him over the transom, observed his warlikepreparations, glanced at the string and the dog, packed theircarpet-bags, slid down the water-spout outside, and went home in thefive-o'clock train. The manner in which that battle-scarred veteranroared around the hotel during the day was said to have beenfrightful; and when rumors came that Brown and Jones had gone toanother place in the neighborhood, he spent the day hunting for themwith a purpose to commit violence. He gradually became calmer, and ashis anger subsided the humorous aspect of the matter appeared, and hefelt rather glad that he had not encountered the two young men.

  THE GENERAL IN A RAGE]

  Several years ago the general was out upon the plains fighting theIndians. One of the men who accompanied his command was a MajorBing. It happened that the major was captured by the savages, and itdevolved upon the general to bear the melancholy tidings to Mrs. Bing.It appears that while the general was on his way home Mrs. Bingmoved into another house; and when the general returned with the sadintelligence, he did not know of the fact, but went to the old house,which was now occupied by Mrs. Wood. He told the servant-girl to tellher mistress to come into the parlor, and then he took a seat on thesofa and thought how he could break the news of the major's death toher so as not to give her too violent a shock. When Mrs. Wood entered,the general greeted her mournfully; and when they had taken seats, thefollowing conversation ensued:

  "Madam, I have been the major's friend ever since our childhood. Iplayed with him when we were boys together. I grew up to manhood withhim; I watched with pride his noble and successful career; I rejoicedwhen he married the lovely woman before me; and I went to the Westwith him. Need I tell you that I loved him? I loved him only less thanyou did."

  "I don't understand you, sir," said Mrs. Wood. "Whom are you referringto?"

  "Why, to the major. I say that your love for him alone was greaterthan mine; and I am--"

  "Your remarks are a mystery to me. I have no attachment of that kind."

  "Call it what you will, madam. I know how strong the tie was betweenyou--how deep the devotion which kept two loving souls in perfectunison. And knowing this, of course I feel deeply that to wound eitherheart by telling of misfortune to the other is a task from which a manlike me might very properly shrink. But I have a duty to perform--asolemn duty. What would you say, my dear madam, if I should tell youthat the major had lost a leg? What would you say to that?"

  "I don't know. If I knew a major who had lost a leg, I should probablyadvise him to buy a wooden one."

  "Light-hearted as ever," said the general. "Just as he told me youwere. Poor woman! you will need your buoyant spirits yet. But, dearmadam, suppose the major had lost not only one leg, but two; bothgone; no legs at all; not a pin to stand on; now, how would thatstrike you?"

  "Really, sir, this is getting to be absurd. I don't care whether yourmajor has as many legs as a centipede or none at all. If you have anybusiness with me, please transact it as quickly as possible."

  "Madam, this is too serious a subject for jest The major has lost notonly his legs, but his arms. He is absolutely without limbs of anykind at this moment. That's as true as I'm sitting here. Now, don'tscream, please."

  "I haven't the slightest idea of screaming."

  "Well, you take it mighty cool, I must say. But that's not the worstof it. All his ribs are gone, his nose has departed, and he only hasone eye and a part of one shoulder-blade. I pledge you my word that'sthe truth. I hardly think he will recover."

  "I shouldn't think he would, in that condition; but, upon my life, Icannot see that the fact interests me at all."

  "Not interest you! Well, that is amazing! Not int--Why, my goodness,woman, that's not half of it. The major's scalp's all gone; he hasn'tenough fuzz on his head to make a camel's-hair pencil; he has a stakethrough his body, and he's been burnt until he is all doubled up in ahard knot; and, in my private opinion, it's mighty unlikely he'll everbe untied and straightened out again. If that doesn't fetch you, youmust have a heart of stone."

  "I don't care anything about it, sir. It's none of my business."

  "Well, then, as long as you're so indifferent, let me tell you, plumpand plain, that the major's dead as Julius Caesar! The Indians killedhim, burnt him and minced him up! Now, that's the solemn truth, andhis last words to me were, 'Break the news gently to Maria.' You seethe man loved you. He cared more for you than you seemed to do forhim. He would have welcomed death if he had known you had ceased tolove him."

  "What did you say his last words were?"

  "Why, just before his soul took its eternal flight he whisperedsomething in my ear. Then I made a sudden dash and escaped from thesavages, to bring his message back to you. That message was: 'Breakthe news gently to Maria.' That's what the major said with his dyinglips."

  "Well, then, why don't you break the news to Maria?"

  "Madam, such levity is untimely. I have broken it--broken it gently.You have heard it all."

  "Do you suppose I am Major Bing's wife?"

  "Certainly."

  "Well, she moved around into Market street last December. Maybe you'dbetter hunt her up."

  The general looked at Mrs. Wood solemnly for a minute, and then hesaid he would. Then he bade Mrs. Wood good-morning, bowed himself outand walked around to look for the widow. When the real widow heard thenews, she was deeply affected, and she sobbed in a most distressingmanner. Subsequently she went into mourning. The life insurancecompany paid her the money due upon the major's policy. The major'slodge passed resolutions of regret, his family divided up hisproperty, and the community settled down comfortably in the convictionthat the major was finally and hopelessly dead.

  About a year afterward, however, Major Bing suddenly arrived in townwithout announcing his coming. He had been held as a prisoner by theIndians, and had escaped. As he stepped from the cars a policemanlooked at him a minute, then seized him by the collar and hurriedhim around to the coroner's office. Before he could recover fromhis amazement the coroner empaneled a jury, put the action of theinsurance company in evidence and promptly got from the jury a verdictthat "the said Bing came to his death at the hands of the Indians."

  Then the major went to his house and found his widow sitting on thefront porch talking to Myers, the man to whom she was engaged to bemarried. As he entered the gate his widow gave one little start ofsurprise, and then, regain
ing her composure, she said to Myers,

  "Isn't this a new kind of an idea--dead people coming around whencommon decency requires them to keep quiet?"

  "It's altogether wrong," said Myers. "If I was dead, I'd lie still andquit wandering about over the face of the earth."

  "Maria, don't you know me?" asked the major, indignantly.

  "I used to know you when you were alive; but now that you're gone, Idon't expect to recognize you until we meet in a better world."

  "But, Maria, I am not dead. You certainly see that I am alive."

  "Not dead! Didn't you send word to me that you were? Am I to refuseto believe my own husband? The life insurance company says you aredeceased; the lodge says so; the coroner officially asserts the fact.What am I to do? The evidence is all one way."

  "But you _shall_ accept me as alive!" shouted the major, in a rage.

  "Mr. Myers," said the widow, calmly, "hadn't we better send for theundertaker to come and bury these remains?"

  "Look here!" said Myers. "I'm the last man to do a dead friend aninjury, but I ain't going to have any departed spirit coming in hereand giving this lady hysterics. You pack up and go back, and staythere, or I'll have you hustled into a tomb quicker'n lightning. Hurryup now; don't stop to think about it!"

  "This beats the very old Harry!" said the major, in astonishment.

  "No answering back, now," said Myers. "When I want communicationsfrom the other world, I'll hunt up a spiritualist medium and get myinformation out of knocks on a table. All you've got to do is to creepoff into the tomb somewhere and behave."

  "You're perfectly certain I'm dead, are you?" said the major, gettingcalmer.

  "Why, of course."

  "Can a dead man violate the laws?"

  "Certainly not."

  "Well, then, I'm going to hammer you with this club, and I reckonyou'll find me the most energetic corpse in the county."

  They say that the fight was terrific. First the major was on top, thenMyers; and as they rolled over and over in the porch the widow sat byand surveyed the scene. Finally, Myers explained that upon the wholehe believed he had enough; and when the major had given him a fewsupplementary thumps, he got up, and gazing at the prostrate Myers andat the widow, he said,

  "Take her; take her, young man. You're welcome to her. I wouldn't haveher if she was the only woman in the temperate zone. But let me tellyou, before you get her, that when you are married to her you'll wishsomething'd happen to send you down to the bottom of the ocean andanchor you there."

  "TAKE HER, YOUNG MAN!"]

  Then the major slammed the gate and left; and he started life afreshin New York. Myers has written to him since to say that the onlygrudge that he has against him is that he didn't kill him in thatfight in the porch, for the widow has made death seem blissful to him;and the major's answer was that the reason why he spared his life wasthat he wanted to make his revenge fiendish.

  Of course I do not vouch for this part of the story which tells of themajor's return. General Trumps is responsible for that; and I knowthat sometimes, when his imagination is unduly warmed, he is proneto exaggeration. The general's own domestic matters are in the mostcharming condition. According to his own story, he never had anyunpleasant feeling in his family but once. Several years ago he was inWilliamsport attending to his business. While there he had a strongpremonition that something was the matter at home; so, in order tosatisfy himself, he determined to run down to Philadelphia in the nexttrain. In the mean time, his mother-in-law sent him a despatch to thiseffect: "Another daughter has just arrived. Hannah is poorly; comehome at once." The lines were down, however, and the despatch was heldover; and meanwhile the general reached home, and found his wife doingpretty well and the nurse walking around with an infant a day old.After staying twenty-four hours, and finding that everybody wastolerably comfortable, he returned to Williamsport without anythinghaving been said about the despatch, his mother-in-law supposing ofcourse that he had received it. The day after his arrival the lineswere fixed, and that night he received a despatch from the telegraphoffice dated that very day, and conveying the following intelligence:

  "Another daughter has just arrived. Hannah is poorly; come home atonce."

  The general was amazed and bewildered. He couldn't understand it. Hewalked the floor of his room all night trying to get the hang of thething; and the more he considered the subject, the more he becamealarmed at the extraordinary occurrence. He took the early trainfor the city, and during the journey was in a condition of franticbewilderment. When he arrived, he jumped in a cab, drove furiously tothe house, and scared his mother-in-law into convulsions by rushing inin a frenzy and demanding what on earth had happened. He was greatlyrelieved to find that there was but one infant in the nursery, and tolearn how the mistake occurred. But he felt as if he would like tosee the telegraph operator who changed the date of that despatch. Hewanted to remonstrate with him.