The First 100 Kisses

by Danielle Bannister

  For several moments, I didn’t say anything. There had to be a punchline. However, when he didn’t say anything, and worse, when he wouldn’t make eye contact, I knew he was being serious. Still, Liam was a literal man, so I wanted to make absolutely sure what he needed help with, because my interpretation of ‘how’ and his were likely to be two very different things.

  “You mean, like pointers?” I offered. “From a woman’s point of view? Types of things that will drive her wild, or what to avoid, that sort of thing?”

  “Wild? Um, well, yes. I suppose,” he admitted, “but mostly I need to know the physical mechanics of it. The step-by-step how-to manual.”

  The physical mechanics? What was this, a middle school sex-ed class? What did he mean by a manual—oh no. He couldn’t be…

  “Liam, are you a virgin?”

  He took in a long breath and let it out, lowering his eyes even further.

  “No,” I said, trying to process this. “You can’t be a virgin. You’re like thirty-five-years old!” I screamed.

  “Thirty-three, and yes, I can be a virgin. People do wait, you know?”

  “For what? Hell to freeze over?” I realized how insensitive my comment was but there was no way on earth he was still a virgin. It just didn’t register.

  “Not that it’s any of your business, Chloe, but I was waiting for my wedding day. While I may have disengaged with the church I was a part of as a youth, I haven’t given up on the plan of saving that part of me for the woman I marry. I know it’s considered old fashioned, but there is nothing wrong with waiting.”

  He was right, of course. His sex life was none of my business, and yet, I had questions. A million of them. “So, what about all those bimbos you brought home…?”

  “They weren’t bimbos. They were perfectly nice women that never stayed beyond coffee. Once I declined their advances and told them I wanted to move more slowly, they found excuses to leave pretty quickly.” He lowered his eyes back to the floor, seemingly embarrassed that he had driven women away.

  Could that be true? I didn’t really pay attention to when the chicks left. I only noticed them coming in because Liam walks like an elephant. Naturally, I would look through my peep hole to see what skank he was bringing to his place, then put headphones on for the next few hours because I didn’t want to hear it. The walls in this building were remarkably thin, or so Liam tells me after I’ve had a ‘friend’ over.

  My brain wasn’t letting his words sink in though. If Liam were just an average looking guy, maybe, but he wasn’t. He was an untouchable beauty for people like me, in the Average Joe world. There was no way he hadn’t been with multiple women looking as fine as he did. I mean, yes, he was socially awkward as hell, but his looks forgave him those idiosyncrasies. Beautiful people were forgiven a multitude of sins.

  “What about college? You didn’t sleep around in college?” I asked. Every guy I knew, even the ugly ones, got laid plenty in their 20s. It was like their rite of passage or some shit. Was he seriously trying to convince me he was a hold out?

  “For starters, I went to an all-boys school, Chloe, so, no. I did not ‘sleep around.’ Not that I would have even if I hadn’t. I was resolved to wait.”

  “For Angel,” I said.

  It wasn’t a question. It was a statement. One that made this screwed up puzzle work. From what I’d gathered over the scraps of information he let slip on Angel over the years, was that they knew each other in high school. They were neighbors. She was insanely religious, and he sort of tagged along with the idea because he liked her. It was probably her idea, initially, to wait for marriage. She dumped him sometime after he graduated high school. He never wanted to talk about her, but it was clear she had broken his heart when she ditched him.

  Liam looked up at me. “Yes. I was waiting for Angel.”

  And there it was. The secret he never told me. In all that time, he hadn’t given up his virginity. He was waiting for her to come back to him, and now that she may have, he needed to be ready.

  “Okay…So, the love of your life is going to have dinner with you and you want to have knowledge of sex in your back pocket because you think she’s going to want to elope after one dinner?”

  Liam took out his phone. Pushed a few buttons and showed me the picture of a beautiful brunette with model bee-stung lips. Huh. Not blonde. She was brunette. Her boobs were obscured by the toddler she was holding.

  “She has a kid,” I said, stating the obvious.

  “She does. Out of wedlock,” he shook his head, seemingly disappointed. “The father served in Iraq and died there shortly after she got pregnant. She’s moving back home to be closer to family.”

  My alarm bells went off.

  “And the first thing she does knowing she’s moving back here is to call you?”

  Liam nodded. “She said she wanted to reconnect. And that she missed me.”

  “Oh, Liam. Poor, sweet, ignorant, yet beautiful, Liam,” I said, shaking my head.

  “What?”

  “I hate to be the one to break it to you, but that girl isn’t interested in you. She’s shopping around for a dad for her kid,” I said. “She’s playing you, Liam. She’s taking advantage of your good heart and better paying job.” Liam was a financial consultant and made a shitton of money, though he rarely spent it. He was never frivolous with finances. He was saving it. For what, I had no idea. He was the poorest rich person I knew.

  “I’d considered that, actually.” Of course he had. “And perhaps she is, but I’m advancing in my years. And I have always wanted to have kids one day…” His face seemed to crumple under the weight of running out of time to squeeze out those 2.5 kids society says we all need. “Maybe this is God’s way of providing me a ready-made family?”

  God’s plan my ass. Angel knew a good bet when she saw one. Maybe it was unfair, but I didn’t trust this Angel chick as far as I could throw her. There was something dishonest in her eyes. It had nothing to do with how gorgeous she was, even with brown hair.

  “So, you’re just going to disregard your plan to wait until marriage? Now that Angel has a kid you figure you don’t need to hold onto that moral code anymore?”

  Liam rubbed his hands over his face. “I don’t know, Chloe. You said it yourself. I’m thirty-three. What am I waiting for? She certainly didn’t wait for me!”

  “Did you really expect her to?” I asked, genuinely curious.

  He sighed. “No. Of course not. I suppose a small part of me wondered if we’d ever get back together, and now that she’s back in town…I might get that chance. But if I don’t… then I’m still in the same situation I was before.”

  “Which is?”

  “I’m a grown male who doesn’t know how to be intimate with a woman. I’d like to correct this inefficiency. Angel is the catalyst, I realize, but I hate not knowing things, Chloe. You know that. I started thinking, maybe my floozie of a best friend could help me learn her ways.”

  I folded my arms over my chest waiting for him to register that he did, in fact, call me a whore. Again. At first, he didn’t understand why I was cross, then his eyes shifted, almost as though he was rewinding his brain.

  “Sorry. I just heard how that sounded,” he said. We’d worked very hard over the years to tone down his brutal honesty. I know it wasn’t ever intended to be mean, it’s just how his brain worked, but it didn’t mean it didn’t sting every time he slammed me.

  I walked to the kitchen and hopped onto the counter. Liam hated it when I did that. He thought it was unsanitary and unladylike, but screw him. This was my apartment, damn it.

  “You need some work in the compliments department, I’ll give ya that.”

  “This is precisely what I mean, Chloe. I don’t know how to be around a woman. I don’t know the right things to say, let alone the right things to do.” He was agitated. He scooped his keys of the coffee table. “I’m sorry. Forget I said anything.” As he walked past me to get to the door, I found myself reaching ou
t and grabbing the corner of his shirt.

  It surprised both of us, but I didn’t let go.

  “You still love her, don’t you?”

  He closed his eyes in affirmation and it broke my heart. He was right to be nervous. Without help, he was going to be a bumbling idiot and blow his second chance. When we first met, he was such a turtle. It took me so long to get him out of his shell, a shell I would bet dimes to dollars Angel had put him in when she broke things off. I suppose that’s where my hatred of her stemmed. I saw the void she left behind. The bits of the man she left fragmented in her wake. I didn’t want my friend to ever have to go through that pain again. I’d invested too much in his recovery.

  “I’ll help you,” I said, “but you have to promise me one thing, okay?”

  “Of course. What is it?” There was a level of relief in his tone I wasn’t expecting.

  “Not so fast. This will be hard for you to agree to.”

  He stood up taller, ready for his marching orders. “What is your condition?”

  “You, Mr.-Know-It-All, will have to succumb to the fact that in this, in this one area, I am the expert. Not you.”

  His face shifted seeing the gauntlet thrown down. I watched as his eyes narrowed. His lip twitched like he wanted to say something, but he was silent.

  “Fine,” he said through a clenched jaw.

  “I need to hear you say it,” I smirked.

  He sucked in a breath but relented. “You, Chloe Clark, Goddess of all things sex related, are the expert, in this one area.”

  I ignored the jab. “I could get used to being called a Goddess,” I mused.

  Liam rolled his eyes, but I giggled. This might actually be fun.

  “Okay,” I said, clapping my hands together, “lay it out for me. What do you know how to do so I know where to start? What are you already comfortable with? Like, when you and Angel were together, how far did you get?”

  “Well, we held hands and kissed, of course.”

  I nodded. “Naturally. With tongue, yes?”

  “Um.”

  “Um?” I repeated.

  “That wasn’t really allowed. They were quite chaste kisses. Quick pecks on the lips, or cheek.”

  Rolling my eyes, I frowned at him. “Okay, fine. What about girls who weren’t Angel? How far did you get with your bimbos?”

  He didn’t answer me. He just swallowed.

  “Liam…please tell me you at least kissed those women.”

  “I’m quite certain we would have kissed if I hadn’t told them I had no desire to do such things on a first date. Is that wrong to say to a woman?”

  Yanking his arm, I forced him to look at me.

  “Hold up. You mean to tell me that in addition to not having sex with a woman for thirty-three years, you also haven’t slipped a woman the tongue?”

  “I can tell by the tone of your voice that my agreeing with your assessment is a bad thing.”

  I studied Liam for a moment with my mouth agape. I wasn’t exactly sure where to begin with his er…’training.’ He didn’t need help with just sex…he needed help with everything. Before I started wigging out, I needed to understand his endgame. That would help me figure out what we had time to teach him before his date.

  “Okay. Answer me this, Liam. Is your ultimate goal to marry Angel, or just sow some wild oats?”

  He pondered my questions with great consideration. He always did. He was never rash with the things he said. Often times, it seemed like finding the right words agonized him.

  “I don’t know if marriage is still on the table. A lot of time has passed. I’ve changed, I think. I suppose for the purposes of this date, I don’t want her to think she’s stalled my life in any way. I don’t want her to think I was waiting around for her to come back to me.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Even if it’s true?”

  “Especially, if it’s true,” he whispered.

  Shit. This was going to be hard.

  “Well, given your inexperience what we need to do is start with some basics. Something simple. Maybe we can watch some movies of great love scenes?”

  Liam made a face of disapproval. “We watch the same movies, Chloe. And I don’t think I need to tell you that seeing a passionate kiss on screen and performing that same move on a woman in real life would, I imagine, be quite different.”

  “That’s true. My pillow never kissed me back the way Johnny Miller did in 11th grade.” I sighed at the memory. “That boy knew how to kiss.”

  He didn’t laugh at my joke. In fact, Liam’s skin had turned quite pale, and it dawned on me in that second what he was really asking of me. He didn’t want a description of how to be intimate with a woman. He wanted first-hand knowledge.

  “Liam, you want to practice kissing on me, don’t you?”

  I saw him swallow once before he clenched his jaw.

  “If it wouldn’t be too much of an inconvenience, that is.” Was his reply.

  “Ah.” I sort of felt like a moron for not picking up on that sooner.

  “It’s just that…you and I are such good friends. I thought this might be the ideal working relationship to conduct such an education.”

  I had to hand it to him. Liam was ever a thinker. Always trying to find the most logical solution to a problem even if it was completely wackadoo. Still, he did have a point. Who better to ask help of than someone he trusted to give it to him straight and who wouldn’t confuse the situation and get their heart smashed into smithereens in the process?

  My feet swung back a few times on the counter as I considered his proposal. He leaned on the edge of the couch about a foot away from me, awaiting my answer.

  “Stand up,” I said after a moment.

  He did. His back was ram-rod straight. His hands tucked themselves into his jeans pocket.

  “Take your hands out of your pocket and come closer, moron. I can’t kiss you way over there.”

  His eyes grew wide. “Now? You want to do it now? Don’t we need to talk about the techniques first? A flip chart maybe? Or perhaps a drawing to illustrate movements?”

  I shook my head. “This sort of thing you don’t practice by the book. It’s a lips-lips sort of experience.”

  He stood frozen as though not sure what to do.

  “Liam, I am not going to beg you to kiss me. You asked me to help you. You either get your skinny ass over here, or the deal’s off.” Honestly, I had better things to do then show my best friend how to kiss. Like Netflix and wine.

  That seemed to kick him into gear. He took one small step towards me.

  I frowned and grabbed his arm, pulling him closer. I looped my legs around his waist, so he wouldn’t run. That seemed to panic him.

  “Relax. Honestly. This won’t hurt.” I laughed. “I’ll do the work this time. All you need to do is receive. Okay?”

  There was an inhale from him as I locked my ankles around his waist. The movement forced our torsos to be pressed close. We were nose-to-nose and he was absolutely freaking out. It was great fun watching him squirm, but I took pity on him.

  “Fine, ya big baby, here’s your blow by blow. I’m going to run my hand up your arm slowly, put my hands on your face, then pull you in for a kiss.”

  He nodded quickly but his eyes stayed just above my head, too nervous to look at me. I decided to let that slide. For now. I’d work him up to eye contact.

  Trying to be as gentle as I could, I placed my hands on his elbows. He flinched but steadied himself. I slowly worked them upward. When my hands touched the sides of his face, his eyes finally flicked down at me.

  “It’s okay, Liam. It’s just Chloe. I won’t hurt you.”

  He nodded.

  “I want you to close your eyes.”

  They stayed open for a moment, but he finally relented to my command. With his eyes pinched shut, I pulled myself close to his ear.

  “Relax,” I whispered, being sure to breath hot against his ear. My hand worked to the back of his neck where I felt the
hairs rising against my touch. Unable to resist, I nibbled his ear lobe, sucking the end of it ever so lightly. His breath caught, but he didn’t move. Scooting my ass forward to the edge of the counter so I could press my breasts firmly against his chest, I licked my lips in preparation to kiss him. And that’s when my ass hit the floor.

  Ow.

  Liam had pulled away from me just as I was about to kiss him, leaving me off balance. My ass had been too close to the edge of the counter, so when he bolted, I fell. Hard.

  When the wind came back into my lungs, I noticed that Liam was clear across the room and almost to the door.

  “Sorry. This was a mistake. I can’t do this,” he said without turning around.

  A second later he was gone, leaving me and my bruised, rejected butt on the floor.

  Chapter 3

  The rest of the week, Liam didn’t call or text. Whatever. I wasn’t going to reach out to him. He was clearly upset with my methods, so he’d have to find another guinea pig to play with. I was out. I wasn’t angry at him, because Liam always did shit like this. He’d say or do something socially awkward and then vanish for a week. I never brought up what he did wrong, because clearly he knew, and never did whatever offensive thing he’d done or said again. It was how he proceeded. Which was fine. I wasn’t going to worry about him. He’d show up when he was mentally ready.

  Until then, I had a busy Friday with plenty of other things to think about. Like trying to figure out what to wear to work when I didn’t think to do my laundry last night. Not that I needed a spectacular wardrobe to wait tables, but I did need a clean black shirt and pants, which I was currently out of. I dumped out the bin and sorted through what was there and picked out the least dirty of the bunch. The shirt was wrinkled beyond acceptable, so I threw it in the dryer with a wet washcloth and set it for ten minutes and hoped it would be ready by the time I had to leave.

  While I waited for my shirt to dry, I walked into the kitchen in just my jeans and bra to make my coffee and slap a bagel in the toaster. I’d have to eat it on the train at this point. I really needed to force myself to go to bed earlier so I didn’t have hit the snooze button twenty times forcing me to make a mad dash to work every damn day.