by Levine, Nina
I don’t rush my answer. Instead, I attempt to find words that truly express my feelings. In the end, I fail to come up with anything better than my simple, honest truth. “I do. I should never have stopped believing in you. And for that, I will never stop feeling guilty.”
“I didn’t think you would come,” she says, reiterating her earlier statement. Heaving sobs fill her, and her body shakes while her tears fall and she gulps for breath.
“How could I not?”
How could I leave the mother of my child alone in her hour of need?
Indeed.
How the fuck could I have done that?
We sit staring at each other, both unsure of what to say and of the path forward.
I’ve spent the last three days going over and over our marriage. Wondering when the hell I lost my soul. When did I become a man who could turn against the woman I once loved? I’ve found no good answer to these questions and so I continue to beat myself up over it. I don’t think that will stop anytime soon. I’m certain that every time I see Jolene, guilt and loathing will consume me. I’m certain that the rest of my life will be spent trying to right my wrong.
“Callie hasn’t been to see me. I thought she would,” she finally says.
“I haven’t seen her either.”
She frowns. “Why not?”
My turn to frown now. “She told Mum instead of me. She didn’t think I’d believe her.” She was right, too. I wouldn’t have. I fought Mum on it tooth and nail, but for all her faults, my mother is the one person I’ve always allowed to have the last word. In the end, I listened because it was far easier than continuing to argue with her.
She continues to frown. “I don’t understand, Luke. Do you two not talk about this?”
I lean forward. “Did Callie tell you we broke up seven weeks ago?”
Her eyes widen. “No.” She shakes her head as she wipes her tears away. “I didn’t know.”
I shift the discussion. Talking about the woman I love to the woman I used to love isn’t something I want to do. “The lawyers are working on your case now. They’re going over all the evidence again. They hope to find some DNA that will prove it was Alanis. Once they feel the new evidence is strong enough, they’ll apply for leave to appeal. Apparently that can take a couple of months to be heard, depending on how busy the courts are. If they grant the appeal, we have to then lodge an appeal against conviction. The Crown will have to test the evidence also. It could take anywhere from nine to twelve months for the date to come up for the appeal.” I pause for a brief moment. “I’m so sorry, Jolene, but this could take a year or more to work through.”
Her tears flow heavier. Her voice is strangled when she speaks. “It’s better than the years I’m looking at now.”
I nod but I don’t reply. My thoughts are stuck.
The next words out of her mouth stun the hell out of me. More because of the raw emotion I hear than the actual words. “Will you please bring Sean to see me now?”
I sit up straighter. “Of course. I’ll bring him as soon as I can book a visit.”
“Thank you.”
I didn’t expect to hear desperation over visiting with her son in her voice, but that’s exactly what I’m hearing. I shove my fingers through my hair and lean back in my seat. “I didn’t think you’d ask to see him so soon.”
She watches me through those sad eyes that are still killing me. “Just like I didn’t think you’d come,” she says softly. “I think maybe there’s a lot of things neither of us thought that are true, Luke. I wonder if we’ll ever get through them.”
Fuck, this Jolene is not the woman I was married to—not in the beginning and not at the end of our marriage. She’s matured and lost the bitchy attitude. I guess prison has broken that out of her and forced her to grow.
I place my arms on the table. “We can’t go back, Jolene.”
Her eyes don’t leave mine. “I know.”
“But we can make a new start and do better as friends and parents.”
Her smile is sad when she nods. “I hope so.”
As I walk out of the prison, the heavy load I’ve carried for the last couple of years feels lighter. Only slightly lighter, but for the first time since it has weighed me down, I’m not struggling to breathe.
42
Luke
“Thanks, mate,” the guy I’ve just passed a beer to says.
I jerk my chin at him and he turns to leave. Surveying the bar, I know it’s going to be a quiet night.
Tyler comes into view as he slides onto the stool in front of me and slaps a fifty down on the bar. “Keep the drinks coming until that runs out.”
“Oh, poor baby,” Avery says beside me. “Did you have a shitty day?”
He scowls at her. “We don’t all have cushy bosses like you do,” he mutters.
She raises her brows. “Oh, really? You think your brother is cushy?”
“What the fuck is up with you two lately?” I ask. “You’re always arguing, driving me crazy with your whining.”
Avery hits him with a glare as dirty as I’ve ever seen. “It might have something to do with his asshole tendencies.”
He returns her filthy glare. “Or her inner bitch,” he shoots back.
She throws the towel she’s holding down onto the counter. “Oh, fuck you, Tyler. I should have known better than to have anything to do with you and your dick.” With that, she storms off and I’m left staring after her.
I finally glare at my brother. “What the fuck, Ty? The one thing I asked of you when I took over this bar was not to fuck any of my staff. If I lose Avery, there’s going to be hell to fucking pay. She’s the best staff member I have.”
He rakes his fingers through his hair. “Jesus, Luke, why do you think she’s pissed off with me? It’s because after we had sex, I told her it could never happen again. And let me tell you that was the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever had to say to a woman before, because—fuck me—Avery is everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman.”
I jab my finger at him. “Keep your dick in your pants. She’ll get over it soon enough.”
He picks up the fifty, reaches across the counter and slams it down right in front of me. “Like I said, keep them coming. And you owe me for this, big brother.”
I pour him a beer. Placing it down in front of him, I say, “I’m going to check on Avery. You keep an eye on the bar.” He’s worked behind the bar enough to be able to handle it.
I find Avery crying in the office.
Jesus.
She glances up at me from the seat she’s sitting on at my desk. “I’m sorry, Luke, but he can be an ass sometimes.”
I crouch next to her. “I know. It seems to run in the family.”
She smiles at that and wipes her tears away but they just keep coming. “Shit,” she mutters. “Fucking hormones.”
“Fucking hormones?”
She stares at me for a long moment and I know what’s coming next even if I don’t want to hear it. “I’m pregnant.”
I take a deep breath and stand.
I’ll fucking kill him.
I clench my fists. “How far along are you?”
“A month. I just found out.” Her tears increase. “Oh, God, this is such a mess.”
I nod, unable to comfort her and tell her it’ll all work out and she’ll be okay. “Yeah.”
“I’m sorry,” she says softly.
I frown. “You have nothing to be sorry for. My fucking brother should have used a condom.”
“He did. It broke. I told him it would be okay because I was on the pill. Seems I’m a fertile bitch and God wants to screw with my already fucked-up life. I’m sorry for the problems this might cause you here.”
I shake my head. “I’m not as worried about that as I am about you. When are you going to tell Tyler?”
“Soon. I just have to work up the courage. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. He’ll be pissed off about this.” Her tears are still falling.
She nods and silence fills the room for a beat before she says, “Why haven’t you been to see Callie? It’s almost been a week.”
“I’ve been trying to get my head together before I go to see her. This week has fucked with me more than I imagined.”
“It was a huge shock, wasn’t it? Have you seen Alanis?”
“No, she’s away with her family at the moment. Plus we’ve been advised to stay away from her. Fuck. It’s a huge mess. But besides that, I’m just trying to get my head around the way I handled the whole thing. I’ve been a bastard to both Callie and Jolene.”
She stands and faces me. “Luke, don’t beat yourself up too much, okay? You’re a good man and you did the best with the information you had. Sure, you could have made a different call with Callie, but she doesn’t hold it against you.” She bites her lip as if she’s weighing something up. “You need to go see her now before it’s too late.”
My heart speeds up. “What does that mean?”
Her gaze drops to the floor for a moment. “She’s had a job offer that she’s hell bent on taking.”
I frown, not following. “So?”
“It’s overseas.”
I stare at her as the room spins.
I’ve really fucked this up.
I reach for my car keys. “Do you think you could bear to spend some time with Tyler while I take off for a while?”
She nods and squeezes my arm. “Go.”
She takes forever to answer her door, which means I’m worked up by the time we’re facing each other.
“Were you going to tell me?” I demand, pushing my way into her apartment. My body is filled with a desperate need to get her to change her mind. It’s manifesting itself as anger, but I’m well aware it’s actually fear.
I can’t lose her.
She closes the door. “Sure, come on in, Luke.”
I spin around. “When were you going to tell me?” I’m so focused on her answer that I hardly pay attention to the dress she’s wearing. It barely covers her thighs and under any other circumstance, I wouldn’t be able to hold myself back from running my hand up her toned leg to slip under the flimsy material.
I know the answer to my question just by looking at her face. “I wasn’t going to tell you, Luke.”
My chest pumps up and down. Heavy breaths leave my body. “So those months together meant nothing to you? I wasn’t even on your list of people to say goodbye to?”
Fuck, she can’t go.
I can’t let her fucking go.
Her mouth crumples into a sad line. Closing the distance between us, she proves she’s a better person than me. Placing her hand on my chest, she says, “Those months meant everything to me, Luke. You mean everything to me. I’m going to ignore your anger because I know you’re hurting. And I’m sorry to hurt you more, but in the end, I hope your happiness comes from this decision.”
My brain scrambles to figure out what the hell she means. “You’re going to have to back this up and explain it, Callie, because you’re not making any sense.”
“All you ever wanted was a stable family. Mum and Dad together. Well, I want you to have that. I’m going to take this job overseas so you can find happiness with your family.”
I rub the back of my neck. This can’t be happening. “You are my family, Callie. You’re who I want. I don’t love Jolene anymore.”
“How do you know?”
My anxiety ratchets up several notches. Why isn’t she listening to me? “Baby, my love for you is so black and white. Why can’t you see it? You’re everything to me. There is no uncertainty.”
“Life isn’t lived in black and white, Luke. You taught me that. We exist in shades of colour. Some days are the blackest of black while others are as pure as white. And then, when we’re lucky, there are days filled with brilliant bursts of colour. My time with you was filled with days of red, and yellow, and green, and all the colours of the rainbow. I’ll cherish those days for eternity. But you have a wife and a son who need you, and regardless of where your family ends up, I won’t be the person who stood in the way. Jolene has existed in black for too long, and as much as you two have travelled a path of darkness together, you loved that woman enough to marry her and have a child together. I want to give you the chance to explore whether you’re really ready to let that love go.”
I try not to hear her words.
I need to make her understand.
“I want you, Callie. I was an idiot to let you go in the first place. Jolene knows our marriage is over.”
She takes a deep breath. “Luke, this job in LA is everything I’ve ever wanted. If I don’t at least try it, I’ll never know what could have been.”
I still. Fuck, I’m a selfish bastard. “What’s the job?”
“Writing on a new TV show. It’s an amazing opportunity they’ve offered me. It could lead to all kinds of writing work.”
This is her dream. I know that. And as much as it will fucking kill me, I need to let her go so she can chase that dream. I trail a finger down her cheek. “I’m so proud of you.”
She catches my hand before it leaves her cheek. “Thank you.”
Her touch jolts want through me. I need to get out of here before I beg her to forget her dream. Letting her hand go, I take a step away. “When do you leave?”
Her voice drops to an almost whisper. “Tomorrow.”
As I stare at her, taking that in, I know I’ll never survive this woman. She brought me back to life, and loved me so damn hard. I never knew love so good. It’ll steal my everything when she leaves.
Part II
SIX MONTHS LATER
43
Callie
I shove my key in the lock to my apartment’s front door and hurriedly push the door open. I’m running so late and I’m concerned I’ll miss my weekly phone call with Avery. Tuesday nights is bestie time. Always.
Dropping my bag onto the kitchen counter, I almost knock my plant to the floor as I round the corner to the fridge. I’m so damn hungry. It’s been nearly eight hours since lunch and with no time for food between then and now, I could eat everything in my fridge. Not that there’s much in there, so it probably wouldn’t even fill me up.
The story of my life lately.
Not much spare cash.
Not much food.
Oh, and no damn sex.
I thought a three-month sex drought was bad; try going nearly eight months without it.
Well, that’s because you refuse to forget Luke.
After I grab the cheese and bread from the fridge, I make a cheese sandwich and devour it. I’ve just finished when my phone rings.
Snatching it up, I say, “Girl, you have impeccable timing.”
There’s a moment of silence before I hear Estelle’s voice. “Callie, my darling, how are you?”
I grin. I love that Luke’s mum keeps in touch with me. We speak a couple of times a month. I’ve even managed to get her to use Facebook Messenger. Next, I plan on introducing her to GIFS, but you can’t rush these things. Baby steps. “Hey, Estelle. I’m good. How are you?”
“I’m finally getting married, so that makes me the happiest woman in the world. I swear, never leave anything to the man to organise—they just don’t have the talents us women do in that department.”
“I’m so happy for you and George. It has certainly been a journey to this point, though, hasn’t it?” Their marriage was supposed to happen just over six months ago but Estelle fractured her wrist so they delayed it. Then George fell ill, which meant another delay.
“He’s so worth the wait.” She sounds like a giddy schoolgirl. I love this. She’s shown me it doesn’t matter your age, you can find love at any moment in your life.
“So, the Whitsundays?”
“Yes. Actually, that’s why I’m calling.”
“Oh?”
“I want you to come. I’ll pay for your flights and accommodation.
It would mean so much to me to have you there.”
I still.
Luke will be there.
I swallow the dryness in my throat. “Umm, I doubt I’d be able to get time off work, sorry, Estelle.” I could definitely get the time off work.
She’s quiet for a moment. “Please, Callie. I know why you would hesitate, but I hope you’ll come anyway. You’re like a daughter to me.”
She’s really pulling out the big guns tonight. I have to admit, though, that I feel like she’s the mother I never had. Estelle has shown me more support and encouragement than my own mother. She’s always checking in on me and cheering me on when I’m having a down day.
I take a deep breath as I prepare to commit to something I’m not sure I should. “When is it?”
“The sixth of August. I’ll be arriving on the third, though, and would like you to come early if you can so we can spend some time together.”
You can do this.
A few days with Estelle and then you can fly back here and put him out of your mind again.
“Okay, I would love to come. Thank you for inviting me.”
Her happiness blares through the phone. We end the call with her promising to send me all the information and tickets tomorrow.
I’ve just hung up from her when Avery calls.
“Babe, please tell me you’re going to Estelle’s wedding.”
She laughs. “I see she’s already asked you. She told me she would. I was going to mention it to you today. And yes, I’ll be there.”
“Oh, thank God! Because I’m not sure I could do Luke without you. Now, tell me how you’re feeling. Did you have your doctor appointment today?”
“Yes, and I’m feeling fine except for this goddamn heartburn I can’t shift.”
“Did Tyler go with you?”
“God, that man will be the end of me. He came and he drove me insane. Callie, he’s trying to dictate what cot I can buy and what pram I can choose. He even started talking about schools today. Schools! For fuck’s sake, the baby isn’t even born yet.”