by Levine, Nina
“Fuck.” I didn’t know what else to say. I was useless at this shit, so I just pulled her close again and held her, letting her get it all out.
Eventually, she unwrapped her arms from me and wiped the tears from her face. “Sorry. I guess it is really hitting me, now that I’m back here,” she apologised.
“No need to say sorry. But the next time you want to take off, for fuck’s sake, let one of us know where you’re going. Okay?”
“Okay.”
I doubted she meant it. Madison did whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. “Nix is back, apparently. That’s why we were all so pissed at you. Plus, and you might find this hard to believe, we all care about you.”
She stayed quiet for a moment, appraising me, and then she offered, “Thank you. I’m going to bed now. Goodnight.”
She left and I stood in stunned silence. She had surprised the fuck out of me and I hated to admit it, but my heart was starting to want what my dick wanted.
11
Madison
I woke up the next morning feeling low. Remembering Bec the previous night had been hard and I was thankful that J had been there for me when I got back. That was a difficult thing to admit to myself. I just wanted to hate him and not have anything to do with him, but then he had to go and be nice to me. And the things he did to my body. God, I was so messed up about him. He’d been back in my life for less than a week, yet there I was, wanting him all over again.
I decided to put thoughts of J aside and focus on my plan to move back. First order of business would be to call Gina and let her know I wouldn’t be coming back to work. Thank goodness I’d saved some money to get me through until I found a new job.
I grabbed my phone and dialled her number. “Hi, babe,” she answered.
“Hey, Gina. I have some bad news for you.” I decided to get straight to the point.
“You’re not coming back, are you?”
“I’m so sorry to do this at such short notice but no, I am staying here. My friend’s kid needs me,” I answered her, really regretting having to do this to her.
“I understand, and actually wondered if you might end up staying. You’re just lucky I love you; otherwise, I would send Zane after you,” she threatened, but I heard the smile in her voice.
I shuddered at that thought. Zane was Blake and Gina’s brother, and a man you didn’t mess with. I’d only met him a few times and he scared the living shit out of me. I never asked Gina or Blake much about him because I really just didn’t want to know who or what he was.
We chatted a bit more and I promised to visit her often before hanging up. I scrolled through my phone and hit Blake’s number.
“Baby girl, how are you?” he said as he answered his phone.
“Have you got a few hours?” I asked, jokingly.
He chuckled. “That bad? Do you need me to come and sort shit out?”
“I appreciate that, but no. You’ve got your own things to take care of and I’m a big girl; it’s time for me to sort out everything I walked away from years ago.”
“Yeah, I guess it is. How’s J? Still being a caveman?” I could hear the annoyance in his voice.
“J will always be a caveman. It’s just who he is. I’m so confused about him, Blake.” I decided that perhaps a guy’s perspective might be insightful.
“In what way?”
I hadn’t ever told my friends much about my relationship with J so I figured it was time to open up a bit, especially if I wanted advice. “I left Brisbane because he told me to. We’d been broken up for about six months but I thought we were going to get back together, and then he told me he didn’t love me anymore and that I needed to leave. He was the one who lined my job up with Gina, through another club member who knew her, I think. He said I needed space from the club to get my drinking sorted. He broke my heart but I thought I was over him. Now I’m not so sure. I don’t know what the fuck to make of it all.”
“Talk to him. But you need to work out what you want first,” he said.
“You’re such a guy, Blake. You make it sound so easy.” I sighed. Why did guys think that every situation was so black and white?
“Well, why do women make everything so hard?” he asked.
“We don’t!”
He laughed. “Yeah, you do. We’ll have to agree to disagree. Just promise me you’ll talk to him.”
“I’ll try, but all we seem to do is argue, so it might not be as easy as you suggest.”
“Show him a bit of leg. It’ll shut him up for a minute and give you time to talk,” he suggested.
It was my turn to laugh. “Great plan, maybe I’ll flash my tits too, you know, to give me even more time.”
“Settle down, you want him to be coherent, don’t you? Flashing your tits will send all the blood from his brain to his dick. Take my advice, no tits.”
“Okay, legs it is. Now, did Serena tell you that I’m moving back here?” I asked, and we talked some more about my move and what was going on in his life before ending the call. I knew it wouldn’t be long before one of us made the trip to visit the other; we couldn’t go too long without needing to see each other.
“Madison, good to see you, babe.”
I’d made my way downstairs to the club bar. Turning towards the voice I knew so well, I threw myself at him. “Nash, I’ve missed you,” I said as we hugged.
“You’re still as fucking hot as you were last time I saw you,” he said, looking me up and down.
“And you’re still as fucking pervy as you were last time I saw you.” I slapped him on the arm, all the while smiling at him.
He grinned that wicked smile I remembered and shrugged. “Yep, and still the hot ass you missed out on when you chose that fucker, J.”
Now it was my turn to grin at him. “Didn’t know what I was getting myself into there, did I? And to think I could have had you.”
“Fucker’s still got a hard-on for you, too. He’s got pussy anywhere he wants but none of it does what you did for him,” Nash said, shaking his head.
What the fuck? My mouth dropped open in shock, and I was about to quiz him when we were interrupted.
“Nash,” J’s voice boomed from behind me and I spun around to see him shooting daggers at Nash. Oh, God, I felt bad for Nash. He and J had always had a hard relationship and J had never taken kindly to Nash’s flirting with me.
Nash leaned over and whispered in my ear, “Looks like it’s time for me to get out of here.” He kissed my cheek, winked at me and said, “Later, sweet thing.” He lifted his chin at J and then left us alone.
J walked toward me with a fierce determination and my stomach fluttered. He had a feral look in his eyes and, fuck, it did things to me. “He’s right,” he said as he stopped right in front of me; so close, too close.
My brain couldn’t function properly when he was so close to me. His smell engulfed me and I wanted to reach out to touch him, taste him. It was too much and I tried to push him away, but he grabbed my hand and pulled me closer. Our bodies touched and I felt it not only physically, but also in my soul. He bent and breathed in the scent of me too. “Fuck, you smell so fucking good.” He groaned as he pressed even closer so that I could feel his erection against me.
My body took over and I reached my hand up to wrap around his neck while lifting my lips to his. Our eyes met and I could see the same need in his that I had. His arms encircled me, and he ran one hand over my ass before tilting his head and finally kissing me. God, it felt so good. With his hands roaming over me, his lips and tongue devouring me, a thrill ran through me. A deep and uncontrollable urge took over and I pushed myself right into him; I needed to get as close as I possibly could. My hands gripped his hair and I plunged my tongue into his mouth, kissing him hard. He groaned again and that sound set me off even more. Fuck, I couldn’t get enough of him. It had been so long without his touch. I needed more.
J suddenly pushed me away and raked his hand through his hair, looking utterly torn. “Fuck!
” he sputtered.
I was still trying to get my wits about me, my brain scrambling from that kiss, and I was confused about what Nash had said. Keeping my mouth shut would never get me answers. Looking J dead in the eyes, I demanded, “What did Nash mean by that?”
“Exactly what he fucking said, babe.”
I scrunched my eyebrows together, still not getting it. “You still want me?”
“Jesus, how many other ways do you need it said? I never stopped wanting you,” he replied in a gruff voice.
I threw my hands up in the air. “Well, why the fuck did you tell me to leave?” I yelled, my anger growing.
“You needed to get out, get away from the club and all the shit that had gone down. You needed to deal with your drinking and I thought you could do that better somewhere else.”
“No! You don’t get to say that. That’s a load of shit, J. Tell me the real fucking reason.” Deep down, I knew there had to be more. I always had but it was easier just to let it sit there in my subconscious rather than trying to work it out.
He was exasperated by my outburst and I momentarily wondered if I had pushed him too far. “I had to. The club…” he paced wildly, “…the club needed you gone.”
“What?” I held my breath, waiting for his explanation. None of this was making any sense .
He stopped pacing and fixed pained eyes on me; he was calmer now too, like he had settled something in his mind. “Baby, you need to know that I never wanted you to leave. But after what happened with Nix, the club swore blood, and we needed you gone to be able to do that. There was no way Nix would give you up if you were still here so we arranged for that job with Gina and sent you away.” He came closer to me again and reached for my hand, holding it. “The only reason I told you that I didn’t love you anymore was to make sure you would leave. I did it for your safety. You’ve gotta know that. I did love you. I still fucking do.”
“No! You said you didn’t want me. I moved on!” I shouted, getting in his face. I was really angry now. How dare the club control my life like that, and how dare he give me up for the fucking club.
“Are you listening to me, Madison? Did you hear me say—”
I cut him off and shoved at him. “It’s too fucking late, J. You gave up on us. You took the club’s side like you always did. I didn’t need revenge on Nix. I just needed out from him and I was out.”
J glowered at me and took a step back. “Let’s get one thing straight, right now. I did not give up on us. And I did not fucking take the club’s side every time,” he thundered. “But babe, you’ve gotta understand that when the club rules like they did, I got no choice.”
I stabbed a finger at him. “And that right there is the fucking problem! We never had a chance with the club controlling us.”
“Madison, the club ruled and I followed through. Jesus, babe, you grew up in the club, you know how it works. Our problems weren’t to do with the club.”
“Well, the club had a lot to do with them. The club and its way of dealing with shit.”
He cocked his head to the side and studied me for a moment. “What exactly are we talking about now?” he asked, and I wished I had kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want to have this conversation today.
“J, this conversation is pointless—”
He came closer to me again, his breathing ragged and his face a picture of anger. Bending down to meet my eyes, he spat, “I fucking tell you that I still love you, and you tell me this conversation is pointless?”
And just like that, the anger seeped out of me and all I felt was desire. J had invaded my space and my senses again, and telling me he still loved me only heightened my craving for him. I knew I needed to get out of here. I couldn’t think straight when he was so close. I really needed to sort through my conflicting thoughts and feelings.
“I’m waiting for an answer, Madison. Is this conversation pointless?”
“I don’t know, J, okay. I need some time to think,” I finally answered him.
He stood up straight, his eyes intense and focused on mine. He took a moment and then said, “I’ll give you some time. But then we talk. And babe, we will talk about every fucking thing we should have talked about two years ago.”
With that, he turned and left me alone; alone to contemplate the conversation that we would finally be having. He was absolutely right. There were things that should have been said all those years ago; things that I still found hard to even think about, let alone talk about.
Shit.
But first, I needed to sort out the mess of feelings I was having about J. Why the fuck couldn’t life ever be easy?
12
Madison
The day passed fairly uneventfully after my run in with J. He left with Scott and some of the other guys to take care of something. I wasn’t sure what it was they were doing but then again, I was never privy to that sort of information. And, yeah, it pissed me off. That was something that J never understood. He never shared club business with me, unlike some of the other club members who talked stuff through with their old ladies. I had wanted to be involved in J’s life fully and that meant club life as well. I didn’t expect to be told everything, but to be told nothing kind of hurt. It made me feel like I was only a part of some of J’s life.
Hanging out at the clubhouse for most of the morning, I caught up with friends I hadn’t seen in years. I loved that aspect of club life, the social side. These were my people; I had grown up here and felt totally comfortable. I loved living in Coffs Harbour but there was something peaceful about coming home to where I was accepted and loved without reservation.
After lunch, I headed to visit my mum. My parents lived about twenty minutes away so one of the guys took me. As we pulled up to the house, I was hit with the memories of growing up. Mum and Dad had given Scott and I a good life. We had been surrounded by lots of love in the form of club family. I remembered tons of get togethers with the boys and their families; parties, barbeques, you name it, my mum was always organising something. My dad may have been the club president, but my mother played a huge part in keeping it all together and running smoothly. I didn’t know how aware she was of the day-to-day business of the club but I truly believed that she was the strong woman who stood behind my father and supported him in everything he did.
Sharon Cole was a woman who most people tried not to mess with. She was a hard-as-nails, straight-up, ballsy woman who loved fiercely, and lived and breathed Storm. Her father had been a member of Storm, and she too had grown up in the life. She had met my father when he joined the club and the rest was history. They had been through a lot and had built Storm up to be the club it was today: a force to be reckoned with. Storm had a reputation for getting the job done and it was a club that others didn’t fuck with, although that reputation had really only come about over the last few years.
Even though I hadn’t had much to do with Storm since I left, I had heard whisperings from friends about the lengths the club would go to in order to protect its business dealings, its members and their loved ones. As much as I wasn’t aware of within the club, I wasn’t naïve; I had seen enough to know there was a lot of violence involved, and it seemed that this had only intensified. I struggled with that when I dated J; he had sometimes come home bloodied and bruised, and when I asked about it, he always told me it was club business and I didn’t need to know. Thinking about my mother, I wondered how she dealt with that side of Storm. We had never talked about it but perhaps it was something I needed to ask her; perhaps learning how to deal with it would help me move past what had happened with Rob.
I never knew just what J was capable of until Rob. I shuddered thinking about it, but the thing was, I had to think about it. I had pushed it to the deep recesses of my mind for too long. It had everything to do with why J and I broke up, so in order for me to start sorting through my feelings about him, I needed to work through that first.
“So, I hear you’re staying,” Mum said as she made us coffee. She h
ad been happy to see me and I could hear the relief in her voice.
I smiled; it was so good to see her. “Yes.” I took a moment to get the words out right. “I haven’t wanted to come back because I wasn’t sure how I would cope with everything here. I thought that seeing J again would he hard and, to be honest, I was trying to get away from the club. But you know what? I think I’ve missed the club and even though he’s pissing me off, I’m okay with being around J.”
She nodded. “You were in a pretty bad way when you left, Maddy, but I think you just needed that time away to get your head together. It’s done you good, honey.”
“I want to stay so I can watch out for Crystal, but being here with you now, I realise I’ve really missed you, even if you are overbearing sometimes,” I said with a cheeky smile.
Mum laughed. “I’ve been good lately, haven’t I?” she asked.
“Yeah, Mum, you have. And I need you to let me do things my way if I’ve any chance of starting over here and keeping my shit together. Okay?”
She held up her hands. “Okay, okay. So, what’s your plan? Do you want to move in here with us until you sort yourself out? I know your father would love to have you here.”
“He’s got a funny way of showing it. He bit my head off yesterday.”
“He is very stressed at the moment with what is happening with Nix. Honey, he’s been worried about you and, yeah, pissed off with you. He just wanted you home where he knew you were safe and all you did was fight it. He and Scott have been constantly arguing about you and I’ve got to say, it’s been pretty hard living with him the last little while. So, I am really happy you are home.”
“What do you mean they’ve been arguing about me?” I asked, having no clue what she could possibly mean.
“Your father would have just come and dragged you home, nothing would have stopped him. But Scott stood up to him and argued that it had to be your decision. He understands how hard it’s been for you, and he was so proud of you for quitting drinking; he just didn’t want you to go backwards.”