by Levine, Nina
I sighed, and fell into the couch behind me, dropping my face into my hands.
“I asked you why!” His voice boomed throughout the room.
Shocked, I jumped in my seat. I looked up at him. “I don’t know.” My words were pathetic, and he knew it.
“That’s not a fucking answer, Madison. Tell me why.”
Fucked. I was fucked. The situation was fucked, and I wondered if J and I were fucked. Again.
Resentment at what was happening flared in me. I stood and came face to face with him. “Have you ever made a mistake in your life that you felt like you couldn’t come back from?”
“Yes.” That was all he said, but it was enough for me to run with.
“I don’t know if I can come back from what we did to Rob,” I admitted. Finally. It had taken me years to say those words.
He looked confused. “You haven’t had a drink in over two years, and then today you want a drink because of Rob?”
I shook my head. “Today wasn’t because of Rob directly, but can’t you see, J? Everything bad that has happened since then has been because we killed him.”
“I killed him. Not you. And I still don’t see what you’re saying.”
“You only killed him because of me. And then, because of that, I started drinking. We broke up. I dated Nix. And the shit we’re in now is because of all that!” I laid it all out for him. Why couldn’t he see it?
“Babe, your thinking is fucked up. I get what you’re saying, but it’s fucked up. Everything in life has a consequence. If we all started analysing shit like you are, we’d all be screwed.”
“Alcohol takes away the shittiness I feel in my soul about it all. I haven’t felt like that for a long time, but Mandy brought it all back to me today. In answer to your question, that’s why.”
“Not fucking good enough, babe. You could have come to me, talked it through—”
I cut him off. He just didn’t get it; he probably never would. “I don’t want to talk about it, J! Talking doesn’t solve anything; the problems won’t go away just because we talk about it.”
Pacing, he ran his hands madly through his hair. “I think you should go to bed. This is obviously not the right time for us to discuss this,” he said.
My heart sunk and my shame almost swallowed me. I wanted desperately to help him understand but he was right – this wasn’t the time to talk. We both needed some space and some time to calm down and get our thinking straight.
I nodded. “You’re right,” I agreed softly and with one last look at him, I turned and left the room.
Tomorrow was another day and hopefully he’d give me a chance then to explain myself.
I need him to understand.
Without his support, I wasn’t sure how I’d move past this setback.
The next morning, I woke up alone. J didn’t come to bed. My head pounded from the stress and my heart was bleeding. I didn’t know where our argument had left us.
I showered and got ready for the day. I also wasn’t sure if I still had a job since I had just left the shop in the middle of the afternoon. The house was so quiet, and I wondered if J had already left.
When I made it out to the kitchen, I found a note on the bench. J had left early, on club business. I felt a reprieve, if only for a short time. But it gave me the space I needed to get my head together, and start sorting through all the crap in there.
I had some toast for breakfast and guzzled some water. I also popped a few painkillers to try and ease the massive headache I had. Christ, what a mess I had gotten myself in. I resisted the urge to call Serena or Blake; they didn’t need this shit dumped on them. I would deal with this myself.
My day took another dip in the crappy direction when I walked outside to go to work. Someone had slashed all the tyres on J’s Jeep. Fuck! Not what we needed! I called for a taxi and then phoned a tyre shop to come and organise the replacement of all the tyres. J didn’t need to be bothered with this; I would sort it out for him. He already had enough on his plate.
A couple of hours later, I was at work, my boss not even aware that I’d left early the previous day. She hadn’t come in that morning, so I was able to get the shop in order so she never even realised anything was wrong. At last, something was going my way. My headache was starting to ease, so that was another positive to my morning. At that point, I needed to count all the positives; otherwise, I would drown in the negatives.
My senses went into overdrive when I heard the rumbling of a bike. Shit. J.
I took a peek outside, and sure enough, it was him. He cut the engine, yanked his helmet off, and strode into the shop.
“Do you care to tell me why there are men changing tyres on my Jeep?” he snapped.
I met his eyes, refusing to bow under his anger. “Oh, go to hell, J. I was trying to do you a favour.”
“I appreciate that, but why didn’t you call me?”
“I was trying to help you because I know you’ve got a lot on at the moment. You didn’t need to be worried with anything else to take care of.”
He took a deep breath, holding it in. Then he blew it out on a frustrated exhale. “That’s a problem for me,” he stated, his jaw clenching.
Oh, good God. What was his fucking problem? “Why?” I maintained my calm.
“Babe, we’re together, are we not?”
“Yes, but—”
“No buts. We’re together. So, when something like that happens, we handle it together.”
My stomach fluttered, and want pooled there, leaving me stunned. “Okay,” I half whispered.
“Good,” he said, and then his features softened. “I’ve got a long day today, but I want us to talk tonight.”
I nodded, the fight gone from me. “Yeah, baby.”
He reached out and curved his arm around my waist, pulling me to him. “I love you,” he murmured, and his lips met mine in a hard kiss.
“I love you, too.”
I watched him go, my thoughts and feelings in turmoil. J had not reacted at all how I thought he would. A glimmer of hope peeked out; maybe there was a chance for us after all.
24
Madison
J arrived home after ten that night. I’d been sleeping on the couch on and off, waiting for him. He came into the house and headed straight into the bedroom. I waited silently for him to come back out; I had absolutely no idea where our conversation was headed.
“You’ve had dinner?” he said, as he came back into the lounge room.
“Yeah. I made you some if you haven’t eaten.”
He smiled at me. I let the gesture settle over me and wrap itself around my heart. If we were going to get anywhere, I would need to keep a hold of that. I feared we were in for another tense discussion.
“Thanks, baby. I ate with the boys, so I’ll put it in the fridge for tomorrow,” he said as he went to the kitchen to take care of it.
I got up and followed him, the need to be near him overwhelming. He turned to me when he heard me enter the kitchen behind him. I stepped into his space, and wrapped my arms around him, inhaling his scent and brushing his neck with my lips.
A groan escaped his lips, and his arms encircled me too. He bent to lay a kiss on my head, and then he murmured, “I was so worried about you yesterday, and relieved when I found out you were okay. But babe, you scared the fuck out of me by almost drinking.”
I pulled away a little bit so that I could look into his eyes. “I’m so sorry. I think I scared myself too. I’m so ashamed,” I admitted.
He reached his hand out to my chin, and held it gently, tenderly. “Don’t be ashamed. Okay? You need to move past this and that won’t help you. It was a bad day, and yeah, you didn’t handle it the best. But babe, we all have days like that. It’s how you handle it now, and the next time it happens, that counts. And, I need you to know I’m here for you. I want to be the person you turn to when shit gets real. Can you let me be that for you?”
The tears started falling and I was helpless
to stop them. I nodded, struggling to speak. Finally, the words came. “I thought you were going to leave me,” I said quietly.
Pain flashed in his eyes. “Fuck, babe. No, that thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. Yeah, I was mad as hell at you, but this, what we’ve got here…this is for-fucking-ever. I love you no matter what you do. It’s unconditional for me.”
At those words, his promise, I sagged against him. He would never know how much I needed to hear that. “Thank you.”
“We’re going to have a lot more fights. You know that, right?” he said.
I smiled. “Yeah, I’ve worked that out.”
“So we need to agree right fucking now that this is forever. That we’re on the same page here. Are you in this for the long haul?”
I touched my hand to his cheek and let it linger there. “Yes, I am. I love you. Unconditionally.”
He bowed his head and breathed hard for a moment. Then he looked back up at me. The love I saw there smacked into me, leaving me winded. “You have no idea how much I needed to hear that,” he said, his voice full of raw emotion.
“Oh, I think I might, baby. I needed it tonight too.”
He took my hand and kissed it, softly. “We’ve got a lot more to talk through, but for now, I just want to take you to bed and show you how much I love you.”
I smiled and let him lead me to the bedroom. As we walked, I peeled clothes off, leaving them throughout the house. When we made it to the bedroom, he turned and ran his gaze over my naked body. I watched as his eyes glazed over with desire, my nipples hardening under his stare.
He reached his hand out to trace a line from my lips, down my neck, and to my breast. As his fingers found my nipple, he brought his mouth down to meet it and licked and sucked my breasts, one at a time. His other hand came up, so that both of them were massaging my breasts, while his tongue drove me wild.
I moved my hands to lift his shirt over his head, and he stopped what he was doing to allow this. Once it was off, I quickly reached to undo his jeans, and remove them too. My breathing picked up, and my fingers ached with a need to touch, to feel, and to show him how much I wanted him.
He stood before me, naked and beautiful. There wasn’t anything about J’s body I would change. I placed my hand on his chest, over his heart, and held it there while I focused my eyes on his. The invisible thread that held us together sizzled with desire and white hot lust. But tonight, it held something more; a burning love that had been buried under layers of doubt, guilt and hurt. Our love shined brightly; we had finally found our way through, and peeled away those layers by committing completely to each other. We had promised forever, and those words had exposed the raw love that existed between us.
J felt it too. I could see it in the way he looked at me. Hunger for this man engulfed me. I moved my hand up to curl around his neck, and pulled his mouth down to mine. Our kiss was deep and full of need. His hand snaked around my waist and pulled me to him. I moaned when his erection hit my body. God, I loved his cock.
“I need to taste you, baby. Need my tongue in that sweet pussy of yours,” he murmured into my ear, while backing me up against the wall.
I didn’t argue as he knelt in front of me and spread my legs. When his tongue hit my clit, I scrunched my fingers in his hair, and cried out with pleasure. He grunted his satisfaction, and slid his tongue down and into my pussy. Oh, holy fuck, it felt divine. His hands moved slowly up the backs of my legs until they hit my ass. He kneaded my bottom, while his tongue continued to lick and stroke my sex.
Pleasure moved through me until my whole body was alive with it. When he began to fuck me with his fingers, I knew it wouldn’t be long until I came. The pleasure intensified and built, until it crashed all around me, and I came with his mouth wrapped around my pussy.
My hands still in his hair, I pulled him up to me, to kiss him. I needed his tongue in my mouth. And the taste of me in his mouth only made me want him more. I groaned into his mouth, and pushed my body closer into his. My arms wound tightly around him, fingers clawing his back. One leg was wrapped around one of his, and all of a sudden, he gripped my ass and lifted me, carrying me to the bed.
As I fell to the bed, he leaned over me and smiled. “Fuck, I love fucking you. But tonight I want to make love.”
I shook my head, and trailed a finger down his chest. “No, baby. Fucking is our way of making love. I want you to fuck me.” And with that, I reached down to his cock, gripped it hard and pulled him to me.
“Fuck!” he roared, and thrust in, hard, just the way I liked it.
A deliciously wicked grin flashed across his face, and then our lips were locked while he fucked me just like I’d asked him to.
25
Madison
I started going to regular AA meetings again. J insisted, but I had already decided it would be an important part of my life. I had fooled myself into believing I was better than everyone at those meetings; that somehow I didn’t really need to be there. I was wrong.
It was a month after my near miss and things between J and I were good. I was worried though; there was something bothering him and he wasn’t talking to me about it. He was sharing more with me and even though I sensed he still didn’t tell me a lot, I knew he was trying, and that was all I could ask for. Strong relationships weren’t built quickly; I knew it would take a lot of work, so I was being patient. And yet, I felt it in my gut that something wasn’t quite right with him.
The club still hadn’t found Mandy, so I guessed he was stressed about that. I’d brushed my concerns away for a few weeks, but that week he seemed even more preoccupied with whatever it was. He was being elusive, and there also seemed to be some tension between him and Scott.
It all came to a head on the Friday afternoon of that week. I was waiting for J at the clubhouse when Griff wandered into the bar and locked eyes on me. Now, there was a man who I wasn’t quite sure what to make of. He’d been a member of Storm for about three years and I still knew nothing about him except that he liked to keep to himself. If I had to choose one word to describe him, it would be broody. I took in his appearance. He was tall with dark hair that was a little long, kind of like he just needed a good haircut, but I liked the ruggedness of it. He also always wore a five-o’clock shadow; another great feature as far as I was concerned. I liked a man who wasn’t perfect looking and he definitely fit the bill. Griff was one of the only bikers I knew who wasn’t covered in ink; well, ink that could be seen anyway. His tanned skin was clear of them on his arms, neck and hands. I had no idea if he had any on his legs as I had never seen them.
His green eyes penetrated mine, and I felt a little disloyal to J with the sensations he evoked in me. His voice was deep and commanding when he spoke, “Scott wants to see you in the office.”
“And why couldn’t Scott come and see me?” I asked.
“In the office now, Madison,” his voice rumbled, and his hand slid around my back to guide me in the direction he wanted me to go.
I wanted to argue with him, but something about Griff told me not to bother. If it was at all possible, he seemed bossier than J, with an air about him that screamed not to challenge. So, I did what I was told and went to see Scott, with Griff close behind.
Scott was sitting at my father’s desk when we found him, and he looked up with a frustrated look on his face. Putting his pen down, he motioned for me to sit. Griff closed the door behind us and stood next to my chair. My senses went into overdrive; something wasn’t right here.
Scott finally spoke, “Are you up on what J’s been doing this week?”
“I’ve got no idea what J does with his time when he’s not with me,” I answered truthfully.
“Fuck,” Scott cursed and shot a look at Griff, who nodded and then exited the room.
Okay, I was really confused. “What’s going on, Scott?”
He sighed and then gave me a hard look, like he was contemplating just how much to share with me. “I was hoping you could tell us because
we sure as fuck don’t know what he’s doing.”
“Spit the rest out, Scott. What are you hiding from me?”
“Shit, Madison, this is club business,” he snapped, and paused for a moment, rubbing his chin and scowling at me before continuing, “We’re pretty sure he’s still out there looking for Mandy, even though we’ve told him to stop. Problem is, it’s bringing heat to the club because that bitch is tied to a gang who don’t much appreciate the way J is going about it. Seems he is harassing their members for information.”
I decided it was time to back my man. “Why isn’t the club interested in finding her and dealing with her? That bitch threatened me.”
“Again, club fucking business, but seems as though I know you won’t let this go… she’s dating one of the head guys of the gang. We take her out, and who fucking knows what will come of it. They don’t mess around, and we don’t need a war. J needs to be smart about this, but I think his head is all messed up with you.”
“So you’re happy to leave me a sitting target.”
“No. We’re watching you when J’s not with you, making sure you’re okay—”
I cut him off. “This sounds very fucking familiar, Scott. Reminiscent of what happened with Nix. Only this time, I’m not going to lay down and wait for her to come to me,” I ranted at him before storming out of the office.
As I was leaving, I ran into my father. He looked tired, and there was something else there that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
“I heard your argument with Scott. There’s more to this that you don’t know, and I’m asking you to leave it be. And get J to leave it alone too.” His words held a warning. I searched his eyes, his face, and then I realised what other emotion he was running on. Fear.
“What is it?” I asked, even though I was fairly sure he wouldn’t tell me.
“Not going there with you, Madison. But leave it the fuck alone,” he ordered harshly.