We made love and I didn’t want him to stop, because once he stopped, it meant he would be leaving me and I didn’t know when I would see him again. Hell, I begged him to keep going, but our bodies were so passionately out of control, that our release was explosive, emotional and heartbreaking all rolled into one. I couldn’t help but let the tears fall down. When I tried to move away from him, Kai wouldn’t let me. “Not yet. Please. Just a little while longer.”
I was lying in bed feeling helpless without the motivation to even lift my head let alone drag my ass out of the comfort of my room. Not even to shower. Fuck. When was the last time I had one? It had been one and a half months since Kai went on his undercover assignment and the days seemed to blend into each other. Without my energy, I hadn’t even been able to get to work. Holden tried reaching me, but he wasn’t the person I wanted to hear from the most.
God, I miss him.
I would hug my phone, hoping against everything that I would finally get another call from Kai. Two months ago, we made love on the bed I was struggling to get out of, and I haven’t heard from him in almost a month.
“Isla?” Holden yelled.
Great. Just what I need. Ugh. Go away.
“Isla, you in here?” Holden knocked on my bedroom door, but I knew full and well he won’t wait for an answer. The door suddenly creaked open. “Isla?”
The lump in my throat prevented me from talking. Not wanting anyone to see me this way at my worst, I pulled the blanket over my body, shielding me from Holden’s view.
“Oh, Isla.” I couldn’t help but let the tears fall down. Holden laid down next to me on the bed, flipped the blanket off me, and pulled me into his embrace, giving me comfort I’d been missing. “You still haven’t heard from him?”
Only able to manage a few words between my sobs. “N…No. Not yet.” I wiped my eyes and Holden took a deep breath.
“Isla, when was the last time you took a shower?”
Holden shook his head when I shrugged my shoulders. My body fell back on the bed when he stood up and headed to the bathroom. The splash from the shower echoed when he turned on the faucet. Holden walked back out over to me. “Okay, babe. I love you, but you need to shower and get changed. I’m going to take you to the police station and we’re going to talk to Jake, Natasha or anyone that will help us. Then, you and I are going to pay a visit to the doctors.”
My eyes narrowed at him. “What?”
“You need help, Isla. This isn’t healthy. You should have gone for help years ago for the abuse.”
“I did get help,” I whispered.
“You did?” Holden’s eyes widened. “Well it doesn’t look like they did a very good job.”
I let out a sarcastic laugh. “No, they didn’t. Maybe if they knew how to help me, I would have been okay.”
“What do you mean?”
I took a deep breath before I divulged a secret I hadn’t told anyone before. “I found out something the day I ended up on that bridge. It’s partially why I went there to begin with. It…it really messed me up.”
Holden sat back down next to me. “Geez, Isla. What is it?”
I was lying in bed feeling numb and emotional all at once, because my depression decided to pay me another visit. The doctor I saw when I was younger listened to me, but offered no real advice. I know I need help. Grunting, I sat up and managed to drag my ass to the bathroom of my crappy apartment. Maybe a shower would help me. After scrubbing myself clean, I stepped out and found something comfortable to wear, settling for black yoga pants and an oversized black top.
Holden was talking to me, but I tried hard to hide everything from him. I was grateful for his friendship, though there were things he didn’t know about me.
My stomach rumbled. It was a few days since I managed to eat something sustainable. I got in my car and made my way to the doctors, feeling slightly more positive than I did when I first got up. After I turned on the ignition, I made the drive to the medical center.
When I arrived, I noticed a man sitting down waiting to be seen. He looked familiar when his eyes locked with mine. The moment they did, I knew he recognized me too. After finding the courage, I walked over to him and sat down.
“Hi.”
“Hello,” he replied. “Look, I’m glad you’re here. There’s something that’s been eating away at me for a really long time. I hope that when I tell you, that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, though I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”
My eyes were wide open when he leaned in and whispered to me. I heard something I never imagined was possible, and that secret made me stand up and walk out of the medical center.
Hot tears were streaming down my face. It took a lot of courage for me to get out of bed and get the help I needed, but at that exact moment, I met the psychiatrist that tried to help me when I was younger. The doctor my parents sent me to, who really wasn’t a doctor at all, but was paid to by my kidnappers. And I knew then that I could only trust Holden in my life. Driving along, I saw a bridge moving closer. I parked the car and stepped out into the cold and dark air, knowing exactly what I had to do.
The Edge
They always say not to look down, but the way I was feeling at that moment, how could I not? I was standing at the edge of my life, and my eyes snuck a quick glance over the rough ledge. I could see what felt a million miles to the ground, and sensed I wasn’t entirely alone. Everything changed from the moment that we met, and my view on life was no longer distorted. I wasn’t expecting to find heaven until my last breath. I guess you could see something in me worth saving that I couldn’t.
Darkness in Holden’s eyes surfaced. As dark as mine were on that bridge. “Isla, I can’t even.”
He took a deep breath and looked at me intensely. “This is what we’re going to do. I’m taking you to the GP. We’re going to get you a referral to see an actual fucking doctor. One that can help you. I want you to feel better. You need to be able to enjoy life without worrying about Kai being here to make you happy. As much as I know you love him, your happiness shouldn’t depend on him. You’re worried about Kai, but I’m more worried about you right now.”
“I’m unworthy, Holden. I’m nothing.” I started to sob. “I know I need help, but this is too much. He’ll come back and realize I’m not worth it. Why would he want me when I’m like this?” I broke down.
“You’re everything, Isla. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. You were given a raw deal and right now, we’re going to take the first step in getting the help you need. I don’t want to hear that shit from you, Isla. You’re better than that! I love you and I don’t want you to end up on that damn bridge again!” I nodded and his words resonate through me, knowing he was right.
Holden and I made our way to the police station. Jake and Natasha were there, and looked at me with sympathy as soon as our eyes met. We asked if they had heard from Kai.
“Please tell me he’s okay,” I begged.
“We don’t know. He’s in deep right now. It’s not just fraud he’s investigating,” Natasha whispered. “If I hear from him, you and his parents will be the first to know.”
Holden and I left the station and made our way to get the help I’ve been desperately needing for years.
I was lucky enough to get an appointment with a psychiatrist. After our initial consultation of explaining everything that had happened to me, he said I would benefit from seeing him twice a week. He was great and easy to talk to, exactly what I expected from a real doctor.
Looking back, I should have known, but I was young and desperate for the help.
“So, what do you think?” Holden pulled me from my thoughts. It was two weeks since we asked Jake and Natasha about Kai. I turned to Holden with a confused expression. “You didn’t hear me, did you?”
I shook my head and gave him a faint smile. “Sorry. Not with it.” Things were better between Holden and Daisy. She was looking beautiful with her small baby bump which continued to
grow.
“You need a distraction, which is what I’ve been trying to tell you for the past twenty minutes.”
“What kind of distraction?”
“A party,” Holden grinned. “Your birthday is on Friday.”
I wasn’t in the mood to celebrate anything, but it may have been just what I needed.
“When’s Isaac coming?” Holden asked me.
“He had to wait until mom and dad got back from an outing. They’re looking after Max for him.” Holden, Daisy, and I were standing outside Billy’s place waiting for Isaac and the rest to arrive.
“Happy Birthday, sis!” Isaac grinned after getting out of a cab, and pulling me into a hug.
“Hey, bro.” Isaac stepped back and greeted Holden. He’s met Jake and Natasha, but hadn’t had the pleasure of meeting Ally, Romeo, or Rosa.
Isaac’s head turned when he noticed someone walking towards us. “Who the fuck is that?”
I brought my attention to Ally, who was smiling at me. “Happy Birthday, Isla.” She pulled me in for a hug.
“Thank you, Ally.” When I moved back, she turned towards Holden and Daisy giving them a smile and wink before she turned to my brother, whose eyes haven’t been able to move away from her.
“I’m Ally,” she beamed.
“Isaac.”
Their gaze only broke when Romeo, Rosa, Jake, and Natasha turned up, who brought along a few of their friends. “Hey, everyone. This is Marcelo, Kaylee, Jay, and Majandra,” Romeo introduced.
“Happy Birthday,” Kaylee smiled and pulled me in for a hug. “I’m sorry. I know I’m still hugging you, but you have no idea how nice it is to be out tonight.”
After pulling away from Kaylee, Jay looked towards Marcelo. “Bro, make sure you and Kaylee actually stay at the party and not wonder off to go fucking like you did the last time.”
“Jay, when you have kids, trust me, you and Maja will be doing the same thing,” Kaylee chuckled.
We all make our way inside to the bar, and I couldn’t help but notice my brother glancing at Ally. She’s doing the same thing to him, except when she sneaks a few looks towards Rosa. I don’t think Romeo would be too happy about that.
“Ally has a thing for my girl.” Romeo pulled me from my thoughts.
“Really? I hadn’t noticed,” I joked.
“I’ve never shared my girl and I’m not about to start. Rosa is the most beautiful woman. I can see why Ally would be infatuated with her,” he grinned, before he walked away and pulled Rosa into his arms.
“Hello, sweetheart.” Billy the bartender looked at Natasha. She walked over behind the bar and they shared an embrace.
“Okay, let’s get this party started,” Holden cheered.
We spent the next couple of hours dancing, chatting, and drinking. After my third drink, I started to feel a little light-headed.
“I’ll be back, I need to use the bathroom,” I yelled to Daisy.
“I’ll go with you,” she offered.
I shook my head and stepped off the barstool. “I’ll be okay. Stay with Holden.”
As I was walking through the bar, I stopped when I noticed a table at the far end of the room. A man was sitting down and he looked an awfully a lot like Kai. My eyes squinted and my mouth dropped open when I realized it was him. Sitting on a chair with a girl on his lap. My heart dropped when she leaned in and pressed her lips against his.
I was struggling to breathe. When he finally pulled away, she was smiling at him, but he looked uncomfortable. She pulled him in for a hug which allowed him the opportunity to take notice of the room. To take notice of me. We stared at each other for a moment before I turned away and headed to the bathroom. I pushed the door in, and headed straight for the basin to empty the anxiousness from my stomach, but nothing came up. My breathing was rapid, and my heart was just as fast I know he’s undercover. It was all an act. It had to be. He loves me.
Feeling overwhelmed, I looked in the mirror and notice the door swung open. My eyes locked in place with Kai’s. My heart broke when I saw the expression on his face. I turned my body around and leaned against the basin.
“Isla,” he whispered beneath his breath, before he strode towards me and crashed his lips onto mine. As desperate as I was to kiss him, and how much my body was craving his touch, I needed to pull away. Kai gripped on tighter and I had no choice but to give into him. I felt wetness coming down my cheek, and I couldn’t tell if it were his tears or mine that I was tasting. When he finally pulled away, there was pain in his eyes that mirrored mine. He whispered to me and cupped my face in his hands.
“It’s not what you think. Please don’t hate me. I’m risking my life being here with you right now. You have no idea how much danger I’m in.”
“It hasn’t been easy.” I rested my hands against his broad shoulders.
“I know. Forgive me. My normal lines of communication were compromised. I shouldn’t be here talking to you right now. Fuck! I just couldn’t stay away. Not after what you saw.”
“Are you safe?”
“As much as I can be,” he replied. “Please baby.”
“What?”
He leaned his forehead against mine. “Please don’t leave me.”
“Kai…” I closed my eyes.
“I have to go.” Kai stepped back and headed towards the door. When he opened it up, he frantically closed it again. “Fuck! She’s coming!”
“Get into one of the stalls!” I demanded.
Kai panicked and ran into one of the bathrooms. The door swung open and I quickly wiped my tears away. The girl that strolled in was the same one that kissed Kai.
“Hello,” she greeted.
“Hi,” I replied.
“Are you okay?” She looked at me strangely, noticing that I was crying. I nodded with no idea who this girl was and what she was capable of doing. She can’t see him here. Fuck. It will blow his cover.
“I’m fine, thanks. You know? Guy trouble.”
She smiled at me, opened up her bag, and handed me a tissue. “Want me to kill him for ya?”
I let out a nervous chuckle. “It’s okay. I’ll kill him myself.”
The girl laughed, turned around and tried to walk into the stall that Kai was in. “Fuck, someone’s in there.” She stepped into the next one.
Kai flushed the toilet and slowly opened the door. At the same time, someone strolled into the bathroom. I turned around and noticed Ally. Her eyes widened when she noticed Kai. My fingers moved over my mouth to signal her to keep quiet. The toilet flushed and Kai was forced to go back into the stall. The girl walked out and noticed Ally right next to me.
“It’s a hang out here.”
Ally turned to me. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Just needed to take a break.”
The girl looked between Ally and I in the mirror with a confused look. “I swear I’ve seen you somewhere before.” Her eyes locked with Ally’s.
“I doubt that.” Ally tensed up. “We should go out to the rest of the group.”
Small droplets of sweat were dripping down my forehead. Fuck, this can’t be good.
“Wait!” the girl exclaimed. “I know where you’re from,” she grinned.
“I’ve never met you before,” Ally replied.
“No, we haven’t, but I’ve seen a photo of you before.”
Ally’s hands were beside her body, but her fists rolled into a ball. The air here was thick and heavy with the stench of fear.
“So, who are you here for?” she asked Ally.
“I’m here for my friend’s birthday.” Ally pointed to me.
“So, you’re not here for us?” she narrowed her eyes.
“I don’t know who you are. In fact, I don’t give a flying fuck. But if you keep asking me questions, I think we’re going to have a problem.” Ally stepped towards the girl. “Are we going to have a problem here?”
The girl shook her head. “No. Definitely no problem.” “Excuse me while I go out and find the sexy
man I kissed. I need to give him something I’m sure he’s desperate for.”
My blood boiled and I wanted to snap her neck. Kai was quiet, but I knew he would come out if he felt the need to. Ally was here and would be able to handle the girl in a heartbeat. For protection, Ally put her arms backwards to my waist and we both stepped aside to let the girl through.
“You’re awfully protective of her,” the girl smirked.
“I’m protective of all my girls,” Ally sneered.
“So, if I tried to hurt her?” She threatened.
“Do you really want to find out,” Ally stepped towards her who suddenly put her hand up in defeat.
“Relax. I’m kidding. Though she would have been perfect.” The girl smirked, leaned to the side, and eyed me up and down my body.
“You know who I am and my reputation, yet you still want to mess with me.” I looked down at Ally’s fists, which had gone completely white.
“Do you know who I am?” The girl asked.
“I really don’t give a shit,” Ally scoffed.
“I’m the person that wants to take the girl you’re trying to protect,” she grinned.
Suddenly, Kai swung the door open. The girl’s eyes narrowed when she noticed him, but the shock only lasted a few seconds before he grabbed her head and slammed it into the basin.
“Shit, Kai. What the fuck?” Ally yelled.
My mouth dropped open. I didn’t care what he had done. It sounded like the bitch deserved it, but I was more worried that Kai had blown his cover. “Kai what did you do?”
“You think I’d sit back and watch her fucking hurt you?” Kai growled.
“Arghhghg.” The girl mumbled. I looked down and noticed the blood pouring from her head that matched the stains on the basin. She was still alive, but barely.
“I’ll get Romeo and Rosa,” Ally whispered and walked out of the bathroom.
Kai walked up to me and cupped my face with his hands. “I love you. More than any fucking thing I’ve ever loved in my entire life. I did this for you. This whole assignment was for you.”
His Desire Page 29