Finding Happiness in Los Angeles

by Oliver Markus Malloy

  A few days later Lucy texted me: "I'm sorry about that call from Albert. He was just trying to get under ur skin."

  "Yeah, I know," I texted back. "It did bother me. I still care about u, and it hurts me when other guys talk about u like that."

  "Albert isn't just another guy. I love him. He's my boyfriend." Lucy texted back.

  Well, obviously that wasn't really Lucy. It was Albert, texting me from Lucy's phone. The one Nicole had given him.

  Now he was going through her phone, eliminating the competition. Or so he thought.

  "Albert, I know it's u," I texted back. "U r pathetic. Ur not Lucy's boyfriend. Ur just one of many guys she fucks to get money for drugs. Ur nobody to her. Just another guy she uses."

  Looks like that really got under his skin. He flipped out and wanted to fight me: "Let's settle this like men. I will fight u for Lucy. Winner take all."

  "Ur nuts grampa. Get the fuck outta here, u senile idiot." I texted back.

  The fact that I wasn't taking him serious made him really lose his shit. Like he had to prove to me that he was still a real man, and not some old has-been.

  "You will meet me at Starbucks at the Coconut Point Mall tomorrow. And we will settle this like men. Be there at 4 pm or else." he demanded.

  "Or else what grampa? Ur gonna throw ur dentures at me?" I knew calling him old was getting under his skin, so I kept pushing that big red button to provoke him more.

  "I know where you live," he texted back. "I was in the war. I have a sniper rifle, and I know how to use it. I can kill you from 800 yards."

  Great. Now some crazy old coot threatened to kill me, because he thought we were two men fighting over a girl. Never mind that he was in his late sixties and Lucy was in her early twenties. He honestly didn't see the absurdity of the situation.

  And what war was he talking about? Vietnam? Korea? World War 2?

  "Listen u stupid old fool, do u want me to show ur death threats to the police? Do u wanna go to jail? No? Then shut the fuck up and get lost. Ur embarrassing urself." I texted back.

  "I don't care if u call the cops. I have liver cancer. I'll be dead long before they convict me of murder." he wrote back.

  Touché.

  How do you scare someone straight, who has nothing to lose? If this senior citizen psycho was serious, I was about to get myself shot over Lucy, even though I hadn't even been seeing her in weeks. Or months? I couldn't even remember the last time I had sex with her. He could have her for all I cared. If Lucy wanted to waste her life fucking old creeps, go right ahead.

  "Dude I honestly don't give a fuck if u have sex with Lucy. Go ahead. I've moved on with my life," I texted back.

  He must have thought that was a trick. This was a fight about who gets Lucy, right? And I told him he can have her. Fight over, right? No. That would have made sense. But nothing about this senile old fart made sense.

  "Meet me tomorrow at 4 pm or die" he texted back.

  Of course I wasn't gonna go. What good could possibly come out of that? If I beat him up, I'd go to jail, because beating up senior citizens is a felony. And if he shot me, I'd be dead. Neither option sounded like a great idea.

  The next day this mental case texted me again: "I'm at Starbucks. Where r u?"

  "Home" I texted back.

  "I know where u live" he wrote again.

  Alright, enough was enough. I hadn't hacked in a while. I told myself I wasn't gonna do that kind of stuff anymore. But these were extenuating circumstances. So I hacked Albert. I found out his real name, and where he lived and where he used to work before he retired. I got the names of his wife and his grown daughter. His daughter was old enough to be Lucy's mother.

  Then I texted him all his information, and asked him: "I wonder how ur wife would feel, if I told her ur fucking a girl in her early 20s. And does ur daughter know u like young girls? Lucy could be ur granddaugther u sick perv."

  Then I looked up his daughter on Facebook and sent her a long message, explaining who I was, who Lucy was, and what her dirty old dad was up to.

  After that I didn't hear from Albert any more for a while.

  MY FIRST AND LAST THREESOME

  "Sex is like money. Only too much is enough."

  John Updike

  "I like threesomes with two women, not because I’m a cynical sexual predator. Oh no! But because I’m a romantic. I’m looking for “The One.” And I’ll find her more quickly if I audition two at a time."

  Russell Brand

  I really had moved on from Lucy. I hadn't seen her in weeks or even months, even though she still texted me every now and then. But now that Albert had her old phone, I never knew if it was really her who texted me, or him, pretending to be her.

  Meanwhile I had been sleeping with Nicole, Jasmine and Anita. None of those worked out. None of them was The One. But I hardly cared anymore. I was just distracting myself from my life. Numbing my mind with sex and drama. As long as I had access to so much easy pussy, why rock the boat? Why stop doing what I'm doing? Of course the answer was obvious: If I ever wanted to meet a decent girl, I had to stop wasting my time with drug addicts. But there's always time for that tomorrow. Not today.

  One day Anita called me: "Hey honey, I know we didn't leave off on good terms. But can we talk?"

  Sure, why not. She probably would tell me that she loved me and that she was sorry and that she wished she had listened to me and so on and so forth. The usual.

  We talked for a while and she went through the usual talking points of remorse. Then there was a new twist: She asked me if I had a threesome yet. She and Veronica and I were supposed to be in a threeway relationship, but then it didn't happen because Veronica changed her mind.

  All of these girls had threesomes all the time, when they did doubles with Backpage customers. But I still never had one. I had been ridiculously close a few times, but it never actually worked out.

  "Nope, not yet," I answered truthfully.

  "You're in your 40s and you never had a threesome yet? How is that even possible?" she laughed. "You should have your first threesome with me! I know just the right girl to do it with!"

  She told me that her BFF Emily was always up for a good threesome.

  Since I knew I wasn't going to be living this crazy lifestyle for much longer, I figured I should really make the most of it while it lasts. Typical binging mentality.

  "Ok, let's do it," I answered. I regretted it as soon as I said it. I was fine one-on-one. But being naked in front of two girls sounded kinda scary. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get it up.

  When you're nervous or stressed, your body releases adrenaline and cortisol. That's how it pumps itself up for your fight or flight mode. That's what you feel when you get anxiety.

  And whether you're gonna fight or run, a boner is gonna get in your way. So when you're stressed out, and your body thinks it's time to fight or run, it automatically shuts down your erection. That's why it's hard to keep an erection when you're nervous. And that's why I didn't like to have sex with girls I didn't know. I was too nervous. Never mind having sex with two girls. That's twice as nerve wrecking.

  Soon the big day arrived. Threesome day!

  I didn't know Emily, but I hoped she was pretty. Not some old run-down crackhead with leathery skin and no teeth.

  When the bell rang and I opened the door, I was pleasantly surprised. I had seen Emily's face before. In a mugshot on the LCJ website. She was a beautiful brunette with long hair. She looked like Jennifer Lawrence. I had even looked up her Facebook profile once, because she was really pretty, and Veronica had mentioned her during one of our collect calls from jail last year.

  Anita and Emily came in. They both hugged me. Anita had a big grin on her face. Emily had a shy smile and timidly said hi.

  We awkwardly stood around for a few seconds. "Ugh, wanna sit down for a bit in the living room first? Or should we go straight to the bedroom?" I asked. I felt like such a dork. There was nothing smooth about me right now. />
  "Let's go in the bedroom," Anita suggested.

  "Take your clothes off. Lie on your back and spread your legs," she told me. She acted like a porn producer, directing a scene. I was glad she was taking charge. If it had been up to me, we'd still be awkwardly standing in the middle of the living room. "Emily, take your clothes off too and start sucking his dick. Get him hard."

  Emily quietly complied. She didn't say much. She climbed onto the bed, sat down between my legs, smiled at me and took my dick in her mouth. She began to stroke it and suck on it. Meanwhile Anita took her clothes off, too. It was weird to have Emily suck my dick while Anita was standing right there, watching. I never had an audience before. It didn't feel erotic. It felt clinical. Like they were two nurses, draining my penile gland before a test.

  Then she told Emily to lay down next to me and kiss me, while Anita took over sucking my dick.

  Emily was shy too. That gave me a little more confidence. While french-kissing her, and touching her breasts, I got hard in Anita's mouth. Although my nervousness never completely went away, I was okay now. I was starting to really feel like I was in the moment, really realize that I was in bed with two beautiful, naked girls.

  Once I was really hard, Anita moved over a few inches, spread Emily's legs apart with her hands, and licked Emily's pussy. Emily closed her eyes and quietly moaned a little.

  "Fuck me from behind," Anita told me.

  I got up and kneeled on the foot of the bed, right behind her. I fucked her doggy style, while she was going down on Emily. All three of us were moaning. I could get used to this.

  But this was not exactly the way I had pictured a threesome in my head. I always kind of imagined both girls kneeling next to each other, and presenting their asses to me, so that I could fuck both of them doggy style, one next to the other. Or them lying next to each other, with their legs spread, so I could alternate back and forth, fuck one for a few minutes and then the other. Compare their pussies. See which one I like better. That thought turned me on a lot.

  Fucking just one of them while she licks the other one was good too, but I had already had sex with Anita a bunch of times. Emily was the new girl. She was the one I really wanted right now.

  "Switch!" I demanded. My dick was rock hard, and I no longer bothered to hide my intense urge to fuck Emily.

  Anita lay down next to Emily, spread her legs and told Emily to go down on her. Now it was Emily's turn to get fucked doggy style. I eagerly got behind her.

  I liked it, but it wasn't perfect yet. I wanted to be on top of Emily. And get in really deep.

  "Lie down next to Anita," I told her.

  Emily lay down. They were now both lying on their backs with their legs spread, kissing each other. A blonde and a brunette, naked in my bed, making out. Waiting for me to fuck them. Wow!

  But I had no interest in having sex with Anita right now. I just wanted Emily. I craved her warm, wet pussy. It felt amazing. But I just couldn't cum. I was fucking her for quite a while, and I started to get self-conscious. It was taking me too long.

  "Let me lie down. I want you both to suck me," I whispered.

  I wanted each of them to sit on one side of my dick and have both their faces hover over the tip, and take turns sucking it. Like I had seen in pornos.

  But I guess I didn't make that clear enough. Emily made some room for me next to her. I lay down on my back, while Anita sat down between my legs again and sucked me for what felt like forever.

  "I want Emily to suck me," I said.

  They switched places, and Emily sucked me like a trooper. I was starting to feel bad for her, because it was taking so long. It felt great to have her lips wrapped tightly around my dick. I loved to watch it disappear in her mouth. She was doing everything right. But I still couldn't cum. It was so frustrating!

  "Let me get back on top of you," I said.

  Emily obediently lay back down on her back, next to Anita. I got on top of Emily and fucked her again. For a long time. Her pussy must have been raw by now. It felt like I had been plowing her for like an hour.

  A gentleman would have given Emily a break and fucked Anita for a while. But I couldn't stop. I had this intense craving to shoot my load into Emily's pussy. It didn't even matter anymore that Anita was there, too.

  I figured maybe if I thrust into her faster, I would cum sooner. So I started speed-humping Emily like the Energizer bunny on crack. There was nothing sexy about that. I was just trying to get it over with at this point. I needed to satisfy my craving. Nothing else mattered.

  It worked. I finally came in her. What a relief! I moaned. Louder than usual.

  I was totally out of breath and collapsed between her and Anita.

  "That... was... awesome." I said, still trying to catch my breath.

  They both laughed.

  Emily got up to clean herself off. Meanwhile Anita took my dick in her mouth one last time and sucked out the last few drops, before she got up, too. I think it was her way to reassure me that she was ok with me cuming in Emily and not her.

  Anita decided to take a shower. Emily and I got dressed and went into the living room.

  We sat on the couch and waited for Anita to join us. I tried to make some small talk to pass the time: "Sorry it took me so long to cum. Usually I'm quicker."

  Emily giggled and said: "It's ok. No problem."

  "And sorry I came in you without asking first," I said.

  "Oh, don't worry about it. I'm on the pill," she replied with a smile.

  She told me she had heard about the book and wanted to read it. Anita joined us after a few minutes and they both told me crazy stories about Veronica in jail.

  Then Emily went home, with a signed copy of the book.

  "So how did you like your first threesome?" Anita asked with a big smile on her face.

  "I liked it," I grinned. "But I was really nervous."

  "Yeah, I know. It took you forever," Anita said and laughed. "You'll get used to it. Next time we ask Emily over you won't be nervous."

  And just like that, Anita was living with me again.

  To be honest, I would have liked it better if I had sex with them one-on-one. Maybe Anita first, and then half an hour later or so, after I recovered, have sex with Emily.

  Having two girls in bed at once looks great in a porno, but in real life it's just stressful. To me anyway. I prefer concentrating on just one girl.

  But at least I tried it once. One less thing to do on my bucket list.

  A few days later Anita was outside on my lanai, smoking a cigarette, while talking on her phone. It didn't sound like she was talking to her grandma. It sounded like she was purposely speaking quietly, almost whispering, so I wouldn't hear through the closed door what she was saying.

  I got up off the living room couch, and pressed my ear against the backdoor that led out to the lanai. Was Anita talking to some drug dealer? Or to some guy she was fucking behind my back? I hated that these were normal, daily thoughts. I wasn't even being paranoid. These are perfectly reasonable things to assume, when you date a drug addict.

  After a few minutes I realized that Anita was talking to an inmate from jail. Her name was Purple. Anita was talking with a thick ghetto accent, as if she was black. I guess Purple talked the same way on the other end of the phone.

  Anita told Purple that she couldn't wait for her to be released from jail, and that as soon as Purple was out, Anita would elope with her. They'd start a new life together. Purple was probably a drug dealer, and Anita figured if she pretended to be her lesbian girlfriend, she'd get lots of free drugs.

  Once Anita's collect call from jail was over, she put out her cigarette and came back in, as if nothing had happened. She didn't know that I overheard her conversation with Purple.

  She could tell I was pissed at something but she wasn't sure what it was. I didn't want to throw her out right here in my condo, because I didn't want her to break or steal stuff on her way out.

  After a few minutes I told her I
wanted to get some ice cream. We got in the car and drove north on 41.

  "Where are we going?" she asked.

  "Walmart," I replied.

  She tried to make some small talk in the car, but I didn't say much.

  I drove to the Walmart on 41 and 6 Mile Cypress. I pulled into the parking lot and turned off the car.

  "Let's go," I said. I was gonna walk into the store with her, and then tell her in public that she and I were done. That way she couldn't make a scene or break stuff at my place.

  Somehow she was on to me. "I'll wait in the car," she said.