The Adventures and Misadventures of the Extraordinary and Admirable Joan Orpí, Conquistador and Founder of New Catalonia

by Max Besora

  121. Term used to designate native women who were for sex, as opposed to labor.

  122. i.e. Boats

  Chapter IX

  In which Orpí heads over to inland Venezuela and is soon embroiled in battles with the hostile tribes found there

  Thus, in 1637 (give or take), the expedition led by Joan Orpí headed up the Orinoco to the sound of trumpets and drums. Our hero, mired in his thoughts and with a map out in front of him, guided the procession through the brush, followed by Araypuro.

  “Now that thou beest verily a VIP, what doth the master ruminate thus?” he asked.

  “Mexico was taken by Hernán Cortes with four hundred soldiers and thirty-five thousand native subsidiary troops, whilst our detachment only disposes of some two-hundred persons in total, not even the three-hundred we were promised in Santo Domingo.”

  “Pero, like, master, here there be no empire to attack!”

  “Ah, dear injun! I find thine brutish logick a lighthouse, illuminating me. What’s more, I find myself swervening with my eyes open,” exclaimed Orpí, looking at his map. “At times I think I can see my beloved Catalonia in these lands, and as such I’ve decided that the conquered territory should bear the name New Catalonia.”

  “But that map of thine is a dog’s dinner, can’t you see that, master?”

  “Without a map there is no discovery, and without discovery there is no map, Araypuro. And we are travelling with three highly professional baqueanos123. That said, Columbus set out with his primitive maps of the mythical Seven Cities of Cipango; Ponce de León always had a map in hand as he searched the Antilles and Florida for the legendary Fountain of Youth; Orellana descended the Amazon River and Pizarro and Aguirre (who was two sandwiches short of a picnic) were looking for El Dorado, every last one with a map in front of their noses, too. And if they were searching for it, there must have been something true in those maps. Gold favours the bold, they say. I exist, ergo I discover.”

  “You guys haven’t exactly discovered anything, in point of fact,” declared Araypuro. “This continent existed long before you ever set foot on it. Since before the Aztlanecas124 of the north conquered territories in the south while the Incas, who came from the south, conquered the tribes in the north, like the Aymaras, and errybody was runnin’ amok, cockeyed and panicky. And in the middle of all that rampage you guys showed up, you gun-happy leeches, and from the frying pan into the fire with your get-gold-quick schemes.”

  “Thou art verily an unlicked cub, Araypuro. Were I like Captain Vázquez de Soja, I would have already had the dogs rip thee limb from limb.”

  “For all the spirits of the forest, don’t get all chafed—use yer head, master! Just as you all discovered our wamma,125 we too could say that we discovered Europa.”

  “I will not allow thee such a diabolical inversion.”

  “We didn’t even get to choose the name! Amerigga … what kind of numbnuts name is that?”

  “Even though Columbus was the first colonizer, it is called America due to a misreckoning on the part of the cartographer Waldseemüller,” clarified Orpí, “who, on his 1507 map Universalis cosmographia, thought that the continent inventa est per Vespucci. But it was Columbus who was predestined to his taske of ‘discovery.’”

  “Yeah, yeah, we’ve all heard that fairy tale, bro,” said Araypuro, haranguing his master. “Pero, according to Inca Garcilaso’s Royal Commentaries, neither of them discover’d this land, but rather it was a superlost, friqueado sailor in the year of your Lord 1484 who, a posteriori, explained the route here to Columbus. Pero, like, it’s the powers that be throughout history who decide who takes the credit, even though Columbus def took some hard knocks from them later on in life. Whatevs, all I’ve seen is you guys on such a mission to kill, burn and sic dogs on women and children alike for no reason I can see, and killing our spirits for your one God.”

  “Stop trying to make me feel guilty, injun!” said Orpí. “Thou art not even a pure native, but a bastard son of the two worlds. Thou passeth thine days communing with spirits and the like but thine Spanish is better than mine! Why must thou persist in pretending to be what thou art not?”

  “Bueno, cuz I feel like it …” Araypuro murmured angrily.

  Orpí, ignoring him, stopped the expedition between the Macaira and Tamanaco Rivers to establish a settlement he named Santa Maria de Piera, to honor his hometown, and there he left some colonist families and heads of cattle, governed by Captain “The Scourge.” Then, travelling up a mountain from which he could survey the vast territory, our hero considered it a good place from which to look out for possible attacks, and he also left some men there, governed by Captain Sedeño de Albornoz, who set down the beginnings of some crops and a town named San Pere Màrtir, being that it was an April 29th. Once they reached the plains, he founded a third settlement: Nostra Senyora de Manapire, along the Manapire River.

  They constantly ran into tribes in the course of all those incursions into hostile territory. Father Claver, who served as the chronicler of the conquest, explained it thus:

  The adjacent faithfull all didst arrive thatts same day from all around, for they desired to sette out and conker despite the perrils of war with the natives & other skirmishes. Doctor Urpín didst leed the charge, follow’d by his labour Indian Luis Pajares, and then came the kaptains, Jeremías and the one they call Octopus. And they also together form’d what seemed to be an armee of invincibles, like the horsemen of the Oppocalypse, entering withe yndustriousness and facing any & all enemees. And subsukwent wee advance’d long most of the river and war a days journey of four leagues wense we arriv’d at some very lovely plains; and all cross that lande there wer many large trees and bald hills and many ducks and falcons and many other fowle. And therr werr also many good meddows for the livestock. There was fog and drizzle, and walking we didst camest upon very wiry, verry strong, but very uglee Indians, by the name Cumanagotos. Whenc they did see us, the natives flee’d to forest’d hills and proeceed’d to rain arrowes down uponst us. Urpín & his men didst defende themselfs without flagging and with vigour the attack’rs war thwarted. Then Doctor Juan Urpín, who allways dealt with good words toward all the caciques in that there lande, didst emerg whensc we hidd with nary a weapon and affearing no death and he drewe neer the natyves and sayeth he be sent by his Emperor and that thay too shouldst obey the Emperor, and that in returnne he wuld aide them in whatsoever way needffull & cure theyr aillments and that thay woode all lyve in peace. And the Cumanagotos, who dist appeer so verry fierce, look’d with favour upunst Doctor Urpíns golden words and ye diss become goode friends and nexxt those same Indjians were recognised as citisens of the Newe Catalonia.126

  ___________

  123. i.e. guides

  124. i.e. The Aztecs

  125. i.e. land

  126. Unfortunately, Father Claver’s Chronicles are lost to the winds of time. If they were to be found, they would shed new light on Joan Orpí’s biography and the history of New Catalonia.

  Chapter X

  In which Joan Orpí has a heavenly vision and founds the future New Barcelona

  After advancing through the immense territory for one long month, Orpí’s caravan stopped in the midst of a lovely green meadow covered in palm trees, on the southern end of Cerro Santo, near the sea, to rest a bit and drink some guarapo127 out of calabash bowls. Suddenly, a furious rain began to beat down on our protagonists and, a few moments later, it stopped just as suddenly. The sun gleamed through the trees and they all took off their jackets, sweating from the heat. As soon as they’d taken them off, and with no warning, it began to rain again, incessant and overwhelming: the earth grew swampy, mud covered their boots, and even their bloomers were sopping. When everyone had found shelter beneath the palm leaves, the rain stopped again in the blink of an eye, and a scorching sun again beamed down, so hot it could roast a live lamb in two shakes of its tail. When they’d all changed clothes they took up their forward march once more, but again the rain
came down without warning and, in a matter of seconds, the entire troop was soaked again.

  “Zooterkins!” exclaimed Orpí. “These drastic weather changes be verrily the Devil’s work!”

  As a scorching sun beamed down and everyone was cursing the climate, a wondrous occurrence occurred. The moon, which was not yet scheduled to be out, moved over the sun and obscured it from view. That supernatural phenomenon, known scientifically as a solar eclipse, sent the Indians into a panic; they all ran off screaming and shouting: “doome and gloome!” and “tropical apocalypse!” Some ran to confess while others threw themselves to the ground, dug holes, and buried their heads in them, while yet others tried to commit suicide by punching themselves in the face.

  Father Claver tells of the strange phenomenon in his Chronicles as such:

  A true accounting wurthy of being beknownst to all, of some chilling and marvellous signs glimpst in the skye and herd in the mountains … as all the Christians in our accompany in the conquest and pacifickation of the natives werr resting there in that very wilderness … and at that momment the light of the sun beganst to darken and, Stupor Mundi, the horses begunst to runne mad and a silense extend’d throughout the worlde unlike any heard befoure til all war dark as if some sorte of prodygious occurrence and all the soldiers & colonists cryed and threwe themselfes onto the earthe and pray’d, affearful of God’s wrath, excepting Don Juan Urpín, who stoode standing, looking up at thee sky …

  In fact, Joan Orpí had just heard a voice from beyond the grave saying: “Looke at the heavens, looke up at the heavens …” After blinking violently, before our hero appeared none other than the Virgin of Montserrat, levitating over the meadow. Upon seeing the apparition, he got down on his knees, clasped his hands together, and murmured, “Miracle, miracle!” as he repeatedly made the sign of the cross.

  “Quit thy song & dance,” ordered the Black Virgin, “and harke what I’ve come to say. Thine glorious destiny hath brought thee here, just as I predicted some thirty-odd years hence. Here is where thou shalt found New Barcelona (and for conceptual continuity, New Catalonia). With three conditions sine qua non: 1) that all the natives learne Catalan; 2) that they are all baptised with the grace of the Divine Creator; and 3) that ye eat grass from that meadow o’er yon!”

  And, having delivered her esoteric message, the Black Virgin disappeared and then reappeared in the form of a wooden engraving the size of a key, which fell from the heavens into Joan Orpí’s hands as if by art of magic.

  “Friends,” said our hero, after his divine vision, “this be the sign I was awaiting. Here we shall establish the city of New Barselona and here we shall live far from all evill.”

  They began to build the city’s first homes, made of wood, in the Venetian style of the indigenous villages, since they were in swampy territory. But after a week’s time they realized that the area was infested with ants and terrible fungi that ate away at the wood. Not to mention a plague of mosquitos that arrived one day in the shape of a terrible, gigantic cloud, assaulting their ears, noses, and mouths, penetrating their clothes, and stinging all the flesh they came into contact with, and neither the incense smoke nor their mad running about could scare off that throng of winged vampires that bit legs and arms, making no distinctions of age or gender. The territory’s perilousness also included war-mongering Indians all around, wild beasts, scorpions, poisonous snakes, and various tropical diseases. After holding out for a couple more weeks, Orpí (tormented by mosquitoes) gave in to defeat and they decided to found New Barcelona at some remove from those fearsome swamps. To be more specific, according to Father Claver’s Chronicles:

  In greene fields, where Don Juan Urpín didst heare the cry of the fatherland, did he establishe the city and ydeal Church in the month of Febyuary year of our Lord 1638.

  Thus, on the feast of Saint Eulàlia, patron of the original Barcelona, the city of New Barcelona was founded. Standards blowing in the wind, drums redoubling, trumpets sounding, the honor guard in formation, a troop of harquebusiers shooting salutes, and captains Jeremies, Octopus, and The Scourge followed Orpí and Araypuro all decked out in fancy dress and swords. The celebration was precise and sincere, but we won’t go into further details because that would require writing more pages and we’ll leave that bit for another occasion, since it’s high time we moved on to the next Chapter.

  ___________

  127. Sugar cane juice with lemon.

  Chapter XI

  In which Joan Orpí teaches a tribe to count to ten and they quite nearly eat him alive

  Soon word had spread that a conquistador was making that region flourish and Spanish and criolla families from Caracas, Cumanagoto, Cumaná, and Margarita joined him there, until the population of the burgeoning New Catalonia had quadrupled. It should be noted that our hero was more fond of speaking than of waging war, and that was his strategy for most of the indigenous villages he came upon. Thus he arrived to an understanding with the Tagares, Tasermas, Tozumas, Guarives, Guaiqueríes, Chacopatas, Cocheimas, Palenques, Caracarares, Cores, and Cumanagotos, with whom he set up an exchange of consumer goods such as hens and the fruits offered up by that fertile land. However, some of the more bellicose tribes, such as the fearsome Caribes, weren’t so keen on being governed and required special attentions on the part of our hero.

  The Caribes lived in the southern plains and were famous for eluding pacification by any military detachment and for their unwholesome habit of eating their enemies. Orpí made his way to their village, with Araypuro alongside him, through a twisted landscape covered in deep gullies and dark swamps, near the San Juan River, with a message of peace and brotherhood. As he drew nearer to their territory, he came across dozens of human skulls on stakes, lined up in perfect rows. When he reached the village, made of conical houses arranged in a circle and surrounded by a wooden fence, the locals were preparing to chow down on some prisoners from a neighboring tribe they’d just defeated on the battlefield. Men and women, with rings hanging off their faces, feathers on their heads, and their bodies painted black and red, were sharpening their knives and forks for the occasion.

  Orpí recklessly approached them, since he had recently read a book, The Indian Militia and Description of the Indies (1599), which gave tactics and tips for dialogue with the natives.

  “Wan esegond,” spake the tribal leader, stopping their preparations in his cacologized Spanish, while his men surrounded our hero with poison-tipped arrows. “Ow meeny arth ye?”

  “What you see: 2,” said Orpí.

  “Ah, dis iz pokitos,” said the leader.

  “And if we were more? And if we were ten?” asked Orpí, mathematically.

  “Wee ownlee kownt two 8,” answered the tribal leader, politely.

  The Caribes had a nebulous numerology. For example, if they gathered more than eight coconuts from a tree, instead of saying “we hath nine coconuts,” they said “we hath a lot of coconuts.” If, for example, it hadn’t rained for twelve days, instead of saying “it hath been twelve days since the last rain,” they said, “it hath been many days since the last rain,” etc. Anything over eight just got lumped together. Furthermore, they didn’t have the number zero because they didn’t believe in the absence of numbers, nor in absence in general, of anything: everything, in their world, possessed a complete organic meaning and that was enough to keep them happy. That, and noshing on human beings. Our hero attempted to explain how to count to ten by placing ten tobacco leaves one beside the other, but the Caribes lost their patience and grabbed our hero and Araypuro and tied them up to an artisanal stone oven, prepping them for the next meal, while polishing off their enemies, whom they had gutted and grilled over hot embers.

  “Tis a sad fate to ende up in someone’s stomach,” said Orpí, watching as the natives sprinkled condiments on their feast. “I knowe of a case, from the Chronicles, in which five soldiers of the Crown, lost in the jungle and famish’d, eventually devour’d eache other, save the final one, who didst lay h
isself to rest, alive, so as to have a Christian burial.

  “From a strictly nutritionall perspective,” said Araypuro, “the Caribes are in the right: humanoids art omnivorous little mammals with flesh that tastes bajuka sabuka128 (a bit too sweet, ackording to the finest gourmets) but with highe nutritional value. Tho’ I prefer arepas.”

  “Yuck, injun. If thou insistest on this line of talk, I shall puke.”

  “This guy. Don’t ye Catholics, in yer self-same mass, receive the sacred host while yer wisidatu129 drink the bloode of the son of God?”

  “If mine hands weren’t tied, I should give you a goode smack, blasphemer!” muttered Orpí.

  “Don’t gette all pissy on me, master. Some of us over here have had to adopt cannibalism in order to absorb, dygest, and process your refi culture, just to survive.”

  “In this particular case, I shall grant you that, injun,” conceded Orpí. “Thou doth surprise me more with each passing day. Tis verily true that the topos of the cannibal has been a constant since Herodotus, Saint Isidore, Marco Polo, and Mandeville, and is related to the ancient peoples who didst symbolically devour their Gods so as to acquire their powers.”130

  “Criminals and saints, errybody ends up in the same hole when booked by the Gravesend bus,” reflected Araypuro.

  “A very positive logick,” smirked Orpí. “And now kindlee desist with the philosophical debates, these folks are gonna eat us.”

  Indeed, when the Caribes finished their repast, they approached Araypuro to cut off one of his legs. But just as they were about to stick a fork into his thigh, Martulina the Divina appeared out of nowhere, wearing a quiver filled with lovely arrows and brandishing a bow, leading two hundred Lionzas, who promptly freed our hero and subdued the Caribes.