BLONDE

by Cassie Knight Rodriguez

  Elias walked into the dorm room, looking to see Austen with his jaw hanging open and tears rolling down his face at a quick pace. He was breathing heavily and looked like he was about to break down into heavyhearted sobs.

  "I guess it was time for Sam's weekly outburst, huh?" Elias joked, trying to lighten the mood, but regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. His face fell as Austen collapsed to the floor and buried his face into his knees, bawling vehemently.

  "I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up," Austen whimpered repeatedly as he cried. Elias plopped down onto the ground next to him and held Austen close to him, hoping he'd calm down.

  Austen had ended up crying himself to sleep not too long later and Elias took his opportunity to pull his phone out and text Sam.

  otter: are you ok?

  wiggleton: what do you care

  wiggleton: you're Austen's best friend not mine

  otter: youre my best friend too

  otter: i can have more than one

  wiggleton: whatever

  wiggleton: no i'm not fine

  wiggleton: i'm upset with Austen as you probably heard

  wiggleton: fuckin eavesdropper

  otter: i was outside to make sure neither of you killed each other

  otter: ya know, peacemaker

  otter: dont change the subject on me

  wiggleton: fine whatever say what you wanna say because obviously you're gonna send it anyways

  otter: damn straight i am

  otter: anyways, look i know Austen upset you, if i were in your position id be upset too because its definitely not fair that hes irrational about it

  otter: but you gotta look at it from Austens position, and ik thats hard because hes not emotionally stable when hes not on his pills, but think about it

  otter: if you put yourself in Austens position and you thought he was cheating on you and he wasnt telling you anything until you confronted him and then when he got mad about it he just blew up on you saying a bunch of mean things he didnt mean wouldnt you be upset too

  wiggleton: that was the worst run-on sentence i have ever read

  otter: thats not the point Sam

  wiggleton: *sigh* yes that would make me upset. even though we’re not dating so it wouldn’t be cheating

  otter: why do you keep bringing up the fact that you’re not dating him? that sounds so suspiciously defensive.

  wiggleton: because he’s overreacting, Elias.

  wiggleton: but it's not like he was exactly listening to me either

  otter: he was probably focused on the fact that you said you had feelings for her and that you two locked lips.

  wiggleton: she kissed me, i didn't kiss her back

  otter: you also retweeted one of her tweets and you know how Austen is about problem-solving

  wiggleton: i recognize that that wasn't the best way to handle the situation, especially considering that Austen follows me and not her

  wiggleton: if i hadn't retweeted that Austen wouldn't have seen her bitchy tweets and then we wouldn't be in this mess!

  otter: im pretty sure thats not how that wouldve solved the problem

  otter: but whatever helps you sleep at night

  wiggleton: i don’t sleep at night

  otter: Sam you really need to see someone about that again

  Read 2:44 P.M.

  Elias sighed and put his phone down, getting up off of the floor. He gently picked Austen up and plopped him down onto his bed before grabbing his keys to head out to buy some more chocolate and get some advice from Adrianna.

  YOU PAINTED YOUR FUTURE BUT I’M JUST NOT IN THE PICTURE

  JULY 2ND

  It was Sam's birthday.

  Austen and Sam hadn't talked for roughly a week, though Elias had kept tabs up on the both of them, trying to convince them to talk to each other and have a civil conversation yet the both of them were being stubborn, though for different reasons. They did share one reason in common, however, that being fear.

  Sam was scared to death that he'd snap on Austen again and he was utterly terrified that he'd lose the boy for good this time if he ever did that again. Sam didn't want that to happen because he knew there was something special about Austen, though he didn't know what it was. He just had a feeling in his gut that he was with the right person and he hated himself deeply for screwing it up.

  Austen was terrified of the different scenarios that played throughout his head of the upcoming talk, thinking about every single bad thing that could happen. They could be talking while on a walk and Sam could get hit by a car while they crossed the road and then Sam'd be dead and Austen would've lost the best person he's had in his life (aside from Elias), or perhaps they'd be at the Starbucks across the street and Sam'd get angry at him and break up with him and throw his hot coffee on him, leaving him with a broken heart and second-degree burns. Or maybe Sam would turn out to be another person just like Zack and leave him once he had taken every single piece of life that Austen had left in him and shatter it in front of his eyes. Austen knew that Sam wasn't Zack and that Zack wasn't Sam and that Zack was gone, but he never was able to get rid of the elusive and privacy-breaching thoughts that still lingered in his mind. Zack was gone. He was gone. Zack is not Sam and Sam is not Zack and Zack is gone. He is gone.

  "You know, it's Sam's birthday today," Elias said nonchalantly to Austen as the boys were lounging around in their dorm. Austen was sat on his bed fiddling around with a Rubix cube he had inherited from his little sister, Gracie, and slowly getting frustrated as he couldn't quite figure the damn thing out. Elias, although amused by Austen's inability to solve the cube, was busy watching videos of My Chemical Romance on YouTube and trying not to cry about their breakup, even though it had already been over four years.

  "I didn't forget," Austen said softly. He put down the Rubix cube on his nightstand and sat up on the side of his bed, looking over at Elias.

  "Talk to him," Elias said, pausing the music video for Helena and returning the gaze. "At least wish him a happy birthday, come on. It's his twenty-eighth."

  "Yeah, I know, Elias," Austen said harshly. "I didn't forget. It's not like he wished me a happy birthday this year, why wouldn't I return the favor?"

  "Stop being so damn petty," Elias hissed, slamming the old Mac shut and glaring daggers at the natural blue. "I'll drag your ass over to his house right now, Blueberry."

  "Is that a threat or a promise?" Austen asked, rolling his eyes. Elias stood up from the desk chair and grabbed Austen's wrist and pulled him out of their dorm room.

  "Both," Elias responded as he continued to drag Austen out of their dorm building, across the street, and soon into Sam's neighborhood.

  "Sam probably doesn't even want to see me right now, Elias!" Austen whined, putting up no fight with Elias, recognizing that he was right. He had to see Sam sometime or another, especially considering they'd never broken up, they were still boyfriends, and no matter the outcome, they'd both need closure.

  "Too bad," Elias said, dismissing the conversation as the two boys ran up Sam's driveway and up to his door. Elias knocked loudly, waiting for a response.

  Sam's father opened the door, smiling widely at the two. Austen and Elias could hear the beginning of Fat Lip by Sum 41 playing loudly from down the hall and Sam's father sighed at the sound of it.

  "Elliott! Augustus! Nice to see you again!" Sammy said happily.

  "It's Elias," Elias said.

  "It's Austen," Austen said.

  "Right, right, Alias and Agustin!" Sammy smiled once more, gesturing for the two boys to come in. Elias and Austen ignored the matter, knowing that no matter how long they've known Sam's dad, he'd never remember their names. "Sam's in his room, please tell him to turn his damn music down!"

  "Nice to see you, too, Mr. Lane, and will do," Elias said as they passed by him and travelled down the hall to Sam's bedroom. "I hate that he never gets our names right."

  Austen shrugged, not worried at all about Sam's
dad inept hearing. He was terrified of what was about to go down with Sam, and even though Elias was with him, he felt completely, utterly alone.

  "Sam! Your music is blaring-" Elias yelled as he knocked on Sam's door, swinging it open not even a moment later. Sam looked up at the two boys. And so did Chloe.

  The two boys stood in silence, staring at Sam and Chloe. Elias was fuming at the situation and Austen was feeling a plethora of emotions that he didn't quite understand.

  "What the fuck, dude?" Elias said, being the first to speak. He was angry, especially with what had gone down with Austen the last time he had just speculation over Sam cheating on him with Chloe, and the sight in front of the two couldn't have been worse.

  "I- W-what? Eli- Aus-? What?" Sam stammered, confused. He quickly pushed Chloe off of him, fumbling his nightstand to grab his phone and turn Cobra Starship's You Make Me Feel off.

  "Sam, what the fuck?" Elias repeated, his anger growing by the minute. Sam knew that Elias was going to take Austen's side and he couldn't really blame him. Elias had been with Austen through thick and thin, and even though Sam had too, Elias wasn't the one who had been hurting Austen as of recent.

  Elias glanced over at Austen from the corner of his eye, seeing the heterochromic boy standing shell-shocked. He hadn't moved since the situation unfolded, standing with a look of complete heartbreak lacing his face and tears lining his eyes.

  "Sam," Austen spoke quietly, his voice cracking. It seemed like he was about to break at any moment, and both Elias and Sam knew it. Chloe threw a shirt on over her head - making sure it was one of Sam's and not her own - and made her way out of the room. She leant over and whispered into Austen's ear as she passed him, saying, "Mine."

  Sam sat upon his bed, shirtless and jeans unbuttoned. It was clear to Austen that something was definitely happening. Chloe wasn't in her undergarments and on top of Sam, touching him because they were about to play a round of Splatoon 2 on Sam's switch. No, no, Austen knew what was going to go down. If they had shown up at Sam's house any time later, he knew that when they walked in they would've seen them both completely naked. On top of each other. Doing what Austen couldn't do. Giving Sam what Austen couldn't. She was what Austen wasn't.

  Sam's eyes flickered up to Austen and immediately his heart broke at the sight of pure sadness on his face. Austen was trying his hardest to hold back his tears; he refused to let Sam see him as weak at this moment. He needed to show Sam that he didn't need him, even though the truth was that he felt he couldn't live without him. Austen knew it was unhealthy to be so dependent, but he couldn't help it. He had an addictive personality and he didn't know how to deal with it.

  "Why?" Austen croaked, hoping his legs didn't give out from beneath him. He was suffering and Sam knew it. He could see it in the boy's eyes and the way he was carrying himself and all Austen wanted to do was to go home, curl in his bed, blast out Blink-182's I Miss You and cry himself to sleep. He wanted to ignore the problems, ignore the fact that he was right, ignore that Elias tried to defend Sam and ignore the fact that Sam had lied to him when Sam said he'd never do such a thing; he wanted to ignore so badly that Sam said he wouldn't be like Zack. But Sam was starting to show red flags, he was starting to become what Zack was. Or maybe it was all in Austen’s head and he was being overdramatic because Sam is not Zack and Zack is not Sam. Zack is gone, Sam is not. Zack is gone. He is gone.

  "I- It's not what it looks like, Aus, I, I, I swear," Sam stammered, standing up from the bed and stepping close to the two boys. Elias moved to stand between the two, sending a look that could kill Sam.

  "Sam, how could you possibly explain why you and Chloe were half-naked in your bed?!" Elias spat angrily. "Cheating bastard."

  "Elias, please," Sam begged, tears brewing in his sad, blue eyes. "Please, you've gotta listen, it’s not cheating-"

  "No," Austen said softly yet stern, interrupting Sam's thoughts. Both Sam and Elias stayed quiet, silence filling the atmosphere.

  Elias was tempted to take Austen out of the situation, and he felt so bad because he was the one who had dragged him to Sam's house in the first place, but he knew that this is what Austen needed. Closure.

  "Sam, you... You promised me one thing," Austen said shakily. He was hoping, praying, wishing that his voice wouldn't betray him; willing that his voice wouldn't crack and he wouldn't break down into a fit of ugly sobs before he'd even gotten the chance to rip Sam a new one, even if in a much, much less violent tone.

  Austen looked up into the gloomy boy's eyes, seeing the sunny sky-blue fade away into the abyss of sadness that enveloped the cerulean color. His head's still rich and his heart still broke; it had felt like he had been here many times before.

  "I know," Sam said quietly, his eyes breaking away from Austen's gaze to stare down at his feet. He felt guilty and ashamed; he knew there was no excuse for what he did. He hated to know that he betrayed who he felt was his soulmate. He knew that Chloe wasn't meant to be his, he just didn't understand why he kept going back to her. Especially when she was backstabbing Austen, though they weren't really much of friends in the first place.

  "And you..." Austen trailed off, feeling his throat tighten at the mere thought of comparing Sam to Zack out loud. He couldn't bear to say his name, he didn't want to let it graze his tongue. It was sickening and it made him want to vomit the nothingness that was in the pit of his stomach. "You broke it."

  "I know," Sam spoke again, just as quiet, if not quieter. He hated himself more in that moment than any other time he had in his life. How could he do this to Austen? How could he betray his best friend, his lover, his soulmate? The one who he's supposed to be with until death do them part?

  "Austen, I think it's time we go home," Elias said, breaking the silence that had laid upon them once more. Austen shook his head. He wasn't finished.

  "You've painted your future but I'm just not in the picture," Austen said, looking at Sam once more. He felt tears slide down his cheeks, knowing he's going to break at any given moment. "Maybe I missed the frame, maybe I'm just seconds late. Always late."

  Sam looked up at Austen, knowing he's heard those words before, recognizing it from the day that he took Austen to the diner. A demo.

  "'Cause I fall in love with everything that wants nothing to do with me and, and you, you promised me, Sam, you promised," Austen said quickly, the lump in his throat growing with every word he spoke. It was beginning to become painful to talk; it was painful to hold back his tears and his emotions and he just wanted comfort and to sob and let it all out. But he couldn't do that right now, he wouldn't do that right now. "I, I know t-there's no dealing with the way I'm f-feeling a-and I'm so out of touch with everyone and e-everything a-a-and-"

  "Aus-" Sam spoke, stepping closer.

  "Stop right there, don't come any closer!" Austen snapped, leading to Sam backing away very quickly. "Don't think you can just fool around with her and get to call me Aus straight after! Fuck you, Sam, and fuck her too!"

  "Okay, it's time to go," Elias said, removing Austen from the situation. Sam stood in his room, dumbfounded, and not daring to make a move. He wasn't sure how he was going to fix their relationship this time.

  CONFLICTED LOOKS GOOD ON ME, I’M TRYING DESPARATELY

  JULY 4TH

  It'd been two days and Austen had done nothing except doing exactly what he wanted: that was to lay in his bed, listen to "Worst" on repeat, and do absolutely nothing. He wrote a couple songs and voice memoed them, not having the energy to get up and properly record anything on his laptop.

  Elias tried to get something out of the boy, even if it was just a "good morning," but, to his dismay, he got nothing. Since it was a holiday, he thought he'd badger Austen into at least going to see fireworks with him.

  "C'mon, Aus!" Elias begged for what felt like the umpteenth time to Austen, who rolled himself over and shoved a pillow over his head, groaning loudly and ignoring him.

  "Fuck off, Poodle Boy," Austen grumbled, moving to tur
n his music up louder but Elias had ripped the phone and headphones away from him. "What the fuck, Elias?!"

  "I'm not a poodle," Elias said sternly. "And you've been laying here for forever, it's not healthy, you're coming with me to see fireworks whether you want to or not."

  "Yeah, the last time you tried to help me with my mental health you brought me to a real-life PornHub video starring Sam Lane and Chloe Mason!" Austen snapped, snatching his phone back from Elias. "Now leave me alone, I'm clearly not worth shit."

  "Don't say that about yourself," Elias frowned. "Sam's the idiot."

  "Yeah, but I'm the idiot who fell for him," Austen retorted.

  "Austen, he's your soulmate," Elias said, looking at Austen sadly. "He's just... Having trouble figuring that out."

  "Is he, though? I mean, I guess I could see it, he's who I could see myself screaming out those angry words to, but... With what's on my arm... Elias, I don't... I don't know," Austen said quietly. He was sad, staring at the words that lay upon his wrist since his birth, running the tips of his fingers over them. "Maybe I shouldn’t have ever said anything to him at the media event. I could’ve avoided all of this drama and all of this heartache. I could live not knowing he was my soulmate! Sure, maybe I’d kick myself for it but if I had known this would be the outcome of that, maybe I wouldn’t be kicking myself at all. Could you imagine Adrianna saying that kind of thing to you? I mean, just... To say that she could be fine without you... That you didn't mean anything, you're just a blob in his life, something that just exists in time and space. But that's it... That you're not special."