Lone Wolf Cowboy

by Maisey Yates

  “Vanessa...that’s awful. I can’t believe you went through that alone.”

  “I mean, we all go through things. And that’s the thing.” She pressed a hand to her chest. “He was so kind to me. He made me feel not so alone. And it’s a horrible memory, but I can’t have it without seeing him there.” She sighed. “Apparently I can’t be alone in the same room as him without tearing his clothes off.”

  Ellie looked down at her sandwich as if roast beef could potentially offer clarity. “That is...a lot.”

  “Yes.”

  “You never told your family about the miscarriage?”

  “No.”

  “Did you have anyone? Anyone at all?”

  She shook her head. “I didn’t want my friends to know, because I didn’t want to talk about...any of it. Not about the conception, which I was too drunk to remember. Not about the... So I just went inside myself. But myself wasn’t a very safe space. It was sharp and sad, and I wanted something to dull it. And I thought, well, I had fun at parties. And I couldn’t even remember having sex with my boyfriend thanks to pills and alcohol. And I wanted to forget. I stole some pain medication from my dad and it made me feel good when nothing else had.” She swallowed hard. “I thought I could handle it on my own. I thought I was handling it. But I wasn’t.”

  Ellie reached out and put her hand on Vanessa’s. “You were so young.”

  “Yes. And I—I made some mistakes, but I’ve also forgiven myself for a lot of them. I was hurt and I didn’t know what to do. I was ashamed of being pregnant in the first place.” She took a deep breath. “That’s why I try not to do shame now. Shame is what kept me quiet. And maybe if I’d... Maybe if I’d talked to someone... I mean, who knows.”

  Ellie offered her a small smile. “I know a lot about what-ifs. But the biggest thing I know for sure about them is they don’t change anything, they just drive you nuts. You can’t wonder what might have happened if something had gone differently. Because it didn’t.

  “I wish I’d known you,” Ellie said.

  “Me too,” Vanessa said.

  “I’m glad Jacob was the one who was there for you.”

  She nodded slowly. “Yes. I am too. But it’s... The past and the present are just kind of a weird twisted knot of fate that I can’t really sort out. He was there for the miscarriage. He’s responsible for this pregnancy.”

  Ellie set the sandwich down and adjusted it self-consciously on the plate. “Are you in a relationship?”

  “No,” she said. “No. We’re not. We can’t be. Because what if it went wrong and ruined it? We don’t actually know each other. That’s the problem. There’s this big chunk of shared history, and because of that, like, an unearned sense of intimacy. It’s all just really messed up.”

  “Yeah, that is...a tangle.”

  “He wants to help me raise the baby. And I appreciate that so much. I also don’t really know how to deal with another person.” She let out a breath. “I’m not sure I know how to deal with anything very well.”

  “None of us know what we’re doing,” Ellie said, taking a bite of her sandwich. “I don’t. I look at Amelia sometimes and I...I still can’t believe I’m her mother. Some days I’m so bone tired I swear I’m a ninety-year-old woman. Other days I look around and think...how am I a mom? And a teacher? And a widow? How am I all these things when I still feel like a high school girl who hasn’t figured any of life out at all.”

  Vanessa sat down on a stool and sighed. “That is...oddly comforting.”

  “To know I still don’t know how to parent in spite of my wall of panic books?”

  “Yes. Though I know all the things I don’t want to be. I guess I can start there.”

  “Sure. But you know these things are little more...dynamic in practice than in theory.”

  “Yes,” Vanessa said, feeling resolute. “I can figure this out.”

  Ellie chewed and nodded, but said nothing. And Vanessa had the distinct impression she was being placated.

  Vanessa appreciated Ellie’s input. And she appreciated that the other woman was trying to make her feel better. But in reality, a seed of certainty had planted itself in her stomach, and now that it was there, she was going to cling to it with everything she had. She could do this. And yes, Jacob was going to help her raise the baby, but they would live separately. They would have separate lives.

  The baby would be the only bridge, and Vanessa would be able to control her world and in all the ways that she felt necessary. Jacob was a good man. She didn’t know him that well, but the way that he took accountability for the death of Clint told her plenty. He was a man who understood responsibility.

  And yeah, she had been a little bit stern with him about the issue of their child feeling like he was nothing more than a grim burden. But the fact of the matter was, there would never be anything wrong with the man standing like an anchor. Being that firm and sure backup. And another thing she knew about Jacob was that if their child ever made a mistake, he would never think less of them for it.

  Her father had been that sure and certain man, but he had no bend. No forgiveness in him. And that had been half of what made it so difficult when she’d made mistakes.

  And maybe she’d been testing him. Testing the bonds of his love.

  But she’d found the end of it. So ultimately, it was difficult to regret testing.

  Except the consequences had been so heavy in the end.

  But she had a feeling that her arrangement with Jacob would be perfect in many ways. Her child would have endless support without parents who were concerned about appearances. Parents who had already taken an unconventional path and forged ahead in spite of any disapproval. The only expectation they would place on their child was that he be happy.

  She felt like that put them ahead of most other parents, really. It wasn’t going to be about them, or their expectations for what their child would become. It was all about their child’s growth and happiness.

  “You look...serene,” Ellie said. She didn’t sound like she believed Vanessa was serene.

  “I feel it,” Vanessa said. “I feel like this might be the best thing that could’ve happened.” And she meant it.

  “Well, that’s good. Since it’s happening.”

  “I mean, we’re not bitter exes or anything like that. That should make it simple anyway.”

  “And what about when you meet someone else? And you want to get married?”

  “I don’t know that I will,” Vanessa said. “I’ll be focusing on my work and on raising my child. There will be plenty of time for a relationship later. I’ve gone a long time without being in one.”

  “Which ended well,” Ellie said, looking meaningfully at Vanessa’s stomach.

  Vanessa’s lips twitched. “That was different. And who knows, maybe I will discreetly have those kinds of relationships. But I’m really not in the market for a romantic relationship.”

  “Right. So what about when Jacob gets married, and he has a wife? And that wife is your child’s stepmother?”

  The thought made Vanessa feel brittle. “Then we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” she said, smiling widely. In her current state, she feared it might crack her face. “But honestly, the more people our child has in its life to support him, the better.”

  “Yes. People who don’t actually have kids yet. They’re always so confident in how that will work out.”

  “I understand that life is messy,” Vanessa said, irritation riling her up. “I know that nothing is guaranteed. But I also already know that, and I’m not going to make things difficult for my child by expecting things to go exactly the way I have them planned.”

  “You are literally already planning things in advance.”

  “I’m planning on rolling with the punches,” Vanessa corrected.

  “Yeah, you’re leaving out feelings, though.”

  “I’m not. I’m thinking a lot about support and love and warmth.”

  “And nothing abo
ut possessiveness, about worry and anxiety. All those things...they end up having a big part in what kind of parent you are. I’m not trying to be discouraging. I actually think it’s good to accept that you can’t plan everything. Because otherwise...well, otherwise when you find it’s not going according to your plans you’re going to think you did something wrong. When in reality it’s just...you can never fully control what’s going to happen in your relationship with another person. And that’s what a child is. Another person.”

  “Well,” Vanessa said, feeling resolved. “What I do know is that I’m not going to handle things the way my family did.”

  “It’s not a bad place to start,” Ellie agreed.

  “Well, I better let you get back to your sandwich.”

  “I really can’t believe that Jacob is the father of your baby.” She wrinkled her nose. “He’s kind of like a brother to me. But...I do feel like I have to know.”

  “Know what?”

  The look on Ellie’s face could only be described as “curiously appalled.” “How good is he?”

  “Really?” Vanessa asked.

  “I’m a celibate woman,” Ellie said. “Single parenting. Plus...other things.”

  Well, that answered Vanessa’s question about Caleb anyway.

  “Why do you need to know?” Vanessa pressed.

  “Because I am perverse in that way. And it is a thing you sometimes wonder about men who you’ve known for a long time.”

  Vanessa could honestly say she’d never wondered about random men. But far be it from her to spoil Ellie’s fantasy. “Well,” she started. “We had a fight that ended in sex against the wall, and I didn’t even think about a condom. I think that is a pretty decent answer to that question.”

  Ellie got a faraway look on her face. “Well, that sounds...nice.”

  “Nice isn’t the word I would use.”

  She was not about to admit to the finger painting. Or to the fact that they’d had sex in a classroom. Not when Ellie was the one who had hired her. It all seemed just a little bit wrong.

  “I’ve just kind of had to forget about sex,” she said somewhat morosely.

  “You don’t...have to have,” Vanessa said.

  “Even if I could find the time, I don’t know how to find the man,” she said. “And anyway, right now it feels... I just haven’t figured it out yet. I don’t think I’ve moved on enough.”

  “Oh. I can understand that.”

  “It’s just sex has always been linked to emotion for me. And that emotion is still tied up in someone that’s gone. I don’t want a romantic...thing. Not now. I could be with someone else, but I’m afraid of it becoming some weird sexual surrogacy thing and I really don’t want that.”

  “Well, that’s also fair enough.”

  “But it doesn’t mean I can’t wistfully ponder what it might be like to have a guy lose a little control and take me against a wall—”

  “And get you pregnant,” Vanessa said.

  Ellie pulled a face. “No. My fantasy is dead. Another very good reason not to get involved with someone sexually at the moment. I love my daughter. I do not want to single parent more than one child.”

  “You’re really selling the parenting thing.”

  “I don’t have to sell it to you.” Ellie lifted a brow. “You already bought the starter kit.”

  “Yes, yes, indeed. In fairness, they sell it to you as—”

  “Sex against a wall.” She nodded sagely.

  “Yes. And then it grows into something else completely.”

  “You know if you ever need anything...”

  “I’m sure I’ll be reading your panic library soon.”

  “That’s what it’s there for.”

  Vanessa walked out of Ellie’s classroom feeling very cheered. She could do this. And she would.

  They would do it. Together.

  But separately.

  Yes, as far as she was concerned, it was basically an ideal situation.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  IT WAS...INTERESTING to be at the ranch now that everyone knew. Well, the kids didn’t know. And as long as Jacob didn’t have to deal with that, he wasn’t going to.

  Today, they were painting outdoors because the warm fall weather was bound to wane into very cold fall weather without much notice, and Vanessa thought they might benefit from experimenting with how natural light changed the way the colors looked.

  Of course, painting profanity looked much the same no matter what light you were in, so it was all the same to Aiden.

  But not to Jacob.

  Vanessa’s light brown hair was loose and fluttering in the early-autumn breeze. She was also wearing a long dress that swirled around her slender legs, and Jacob couldn’t quite help but picture how those legs had felt wrapped around him.

  He shifted uncomfortably, taking in a deep breath as he watched her talk about color and light, her gestures broad and her face filled with enthusiasm.

  “Is she your girl or something?”

  Jacob looked down at Aiden. “What?”

  “You look at her like she is,” Aiden said.

  “I’m just looking,” Jacob said.

  Aiden shrugged. “Not that I blame you.”

  Jacob crossed his arms and looked down at the kid. “Did I ask?”

  “I was just saying.”

  “Well, she’s not,” Jacob said. Though the response felt disingenuous, considering that Vanessa felt like his in just about every way.

  “Is there something you’d like to share with the class?”

  Jacob looked up at Vanessa, who was looking at him. “No.”

  “We were talking about color and light,” Aiden said, his tone serious.

  Calvin didn’t look up from his canvas, and Marco snickered.

  Calvin had started to get into painting, his work becoming more and more intricate. Still not representative in a visual sense of what was around them, but it was definitely something inside him. Though today, there were lighter colors, mixed with abstract shapes of the outdoors. And Jacob was forced to really recognize the fact that this work that Vanessa believed in so strongly really did matter. And that it really was doing something to change these kids.

  Even Aiden, who was a stubborn ass, was responding to his life here on the ranch.

  Vanessa lifted a brow. “Somehow I don’t believe that.”

  Vanessa stretched and fanned herself lightly, even though it wasn’t that warm. “I’m hot,” she said.

  “Yeah,” Aiden agreed.

  That earned him snickers from both boys.

  Jacob elbowed him. “Watch it.”

  Aiden looked up at him, his expression clearly telegraphing, You said she wasn’t your girl.

  “When I was a kid,” Vanessa said, “we used to go to an ice cream place on the coast. Tillamook. And we would get marionberry pie ice cream. It was so good.” She smiled. “I want some of that now.”

  “If you’re not going to give us all ice cream, it doesn’t seem fair to talk about it,” Marco said.

  “Just thinking. Sometimes I don’t think I have good family memories,” she said. “But I do. It’s just easy to erase all of the good stuff when you want to be angry.”

  Calvin looked up at her. “I only have bad ones.”

  There was an uncomfortable silence that settled over the group. Vanessa walked over to him and put her hand on his thin shoulder. “But that doesn’t mean it’s all you can have. From today on, you can make your own memories. Your own choices. You might not ever be able to fix the situation you came from, but you can make your life whatever you want it to be. Make your own good memories.”

  “What do you know?” Marco asked. “You’re an art teacher.”

  “I’m an addict,” Vanessa said.

  All three boys looked at her, their expressions shocked. “What?” Calvin asked.

  “I’m a drug addict. So trust me, I’ve seen a lot of things. I’ve done a lot of things. I’ve had a lot of bad things happen t
o me. And when I was your age...the things that hurt me, they weren’t my fault. But I made a lot of bad choices because of my pain, and that was my fault.”

  “You seriously did drugs?” Calvin asked.

  “Very seriously,” Vanessa said. “A lot of them. And I missed my rent, got evicted—more than once—lost friends. Terrified and alienated my family. Slept on the streets, on couches, with men I didn’t know. But I got out of that. I got sober. Someone had to make me. And they handed me a paintbrush in rehab, and here I am. So when I say you can change your lives, when I say you can find good things, I say it because I’ve done it. Because I’ve had bad things happen to me. And I’ve done bad things. But they’re not who I am.”

  The kids said nothing to that. Calvin bent his head and he just continued to work on his painting, but Jacob had a feeling those simple words had impacted him deeply.

  That was the woman who was going to be the mother of his child, and a strong, visceral sense of possessiveness overtook him.

  Something inside him, something primal and dark, that he’d never known existed, wanted to stake a claim on her. Make her the mother of all his babies.

  All his babies? He wasn’t even sure that he was on board with having one.

  But there was a biological shift happening inside him that he didn’t think he could control or explain.

  They finished their paintings outside, and when they began to walk back toward the classroom, Aiden elbowed him, the way that Jacob had elbowed him earlier. “If I were you, I’d get her some of that ice cream.”

  “What?” Jacob asked.

  “She said she was craving that ice cream.” Aiden looked at him conspiratorially. “You should get her some.”

  “Are you giving me...relationship advice?”

  “Man, I don’t know anything about relationships. But I know a lot about Netflix and chill.”

  “I’m not going to...Netflix and chill with Vanessa.”

  “Yeah, right.”

  “I’m not.”

  “Because you already have,” Aiden said.

  “I...” Jacob decided right then that he kind of hated kids.