by Betty Paper
“Of course you’re a man, Henry. What else would you be?” With that, I reared my hips back and plunged into him.
His eyes popped open in shock. He wasn’t hiding from me now. He stared wide-eyed up at me as I stroked into him.
“You’re my man,” I told him. “Nothing’s changed. Don’t you see that? You’re my Henry and I love you.”
“Oh, god, Ruby.” His arms banded around me hard. He accepted my inexperienced thrusts, tilting his pelvis as though he couldn’t get enough. “Make me yours. Please.”
I lunged at him over and over, coming closer and closer to the brink of my own pleasure and trying to hold it off. I wanted him to go over first. His back arched and he cried out. I lost control then and ground against him, chasing my own release. We came together perfectly entwined and pressed together. Me and my Henry.
A long time passed before I caught my breath enough to ask. “What did Jack say to get you to share with me?”
He didn’t answer for several minutes, playing with strands of my hair. Our sweaty skin cooled and our heartbeats settled in to a steady rhythm before he finally answered, “He threatened to tell you himself.”
I knew he had, but I wanted to hear it for myself from Henry. “Would you have ever shown me?” I propped my chin on my hand on his chest to look into his eyes for the truth. “Or would we have gone on forever the way we had been? Did you think I was too simple to not figure it out?”
“I don’t think you’re simple.”
“Yes, you do. Or you did. When I lie with men, they leave their seed inside me. You left me dry. I figured that out the first night we were together. Remember? Somehow you achieved pleasure from wearing your phallus. Did you not think that I’d figure out that you didn’t wear it because of some injury or birth defect? That it served another purpose other than pleasuring me? Or these scars…?” I traced the half-moon shape a couple of inches beneath his right nipple. “Did you think I wouldn’t catch on as to why you have them?”
“No. Yes. I don’t know. I didn’t think.” He caught my hand and laced his fingers with mine. “I just wanted you. From the moment I saw your reflection in my office window. You were even more beautiful when I turned around. And so compliant. You took off your dress without hesitation and lay down and let me do things to you. Whatever I wanted. Your cries of pleasure were beautiful and your taste…like honey on my tongue.
“I still have the handkerchief I wiped my face with in my desk drawer. I take it out from time to time and touch myself to the scent and my memories of you and your body, the way you give yourself totally to me. No demands. Only pleasure. You take what I give you and don’t ask for more. It’s enough. I’m enough. The others… As soon as they got a hint that something wasn’t right, their hand was out, asking for more money, threatening to expose me. Not you. Never you, Ruby.
“I had to take the chance even under threat that you’d stay true, and you did. You did.” He crushed his mouth to mine with a desperation I’d never felt from him before.
I accepted the storm that was Henry, the things he said and the things he couldn’t yet say. His kisses slowed and gentled. When I finally raised my head, well, I’ll never forget the look on his face. He may not have the words yet, but I could feel them and see them.
I stroked the hair back from his forehead. “My Henry. My big, sweet man. I have all I’ll ever want or need right here in this room.”
“Your Henry. I like the sound of that. You don’t know how jealous I was of your Johnny, the way you spoke about him. I wanted that wistful longing in your voice to be for me and only me.”
“I’ll always love him. I can’t help it. And I can’t help the way I talk about him.”
“What about Jack? Is he yours too?”
“You heard me tell him he wasn’t. You made me hurt him, so he hurt you. Or tried to. That really wasn’t fair of you. I’m cross with you about that.”
“You still want him?” Jealousy was there in his question and a fair bit of resentment. “He can give you something I can’t you know.”
“What could he give me that you can’t?”
“Children.”
I hadn’t considered that. I’d always wanted a child. My Johnny and I had been working on that very thing before he’d shipped off. Unfortunately we hadn’t been blessed.
Never having children. I couldn’t fathom it.
“We could adopt,” I offered, a seed of worry planting itself in my belly. Was Henry looking for a reason to keep himself apart from me even now?
“You don’t ever want to carry a child of your own, have it grow inside you, nurse from you, have your eyes or your nose?”
“Yes.” I couldn’t help but be honest with him. It was all I’d ever been with him. “I want that very much. But wanting it and having it are two different things. I wanted a child with my Johnny, but we weren’t blessed. If we’d never been blessed, I’d have had this conversation with him. Do you want children?” I held my breath, waiting for his answer.
“Yes, but that’s not likely to happen in the normal way. I want to marry you, Ruby. I want to live with you and lie with you at night, wake with you every day. I want to make you mine in every way, but I can’t be that selfish. You deserve to have your dreams come true.”
“My dream has come true. I never thought I’d find someone, love someone after my Johnny.”
“If my secret was ever discovered it would ruin you.”
“I’ve been ruined. When my father cast me out. When my Johnny was killed. It didn’t stop me from trying to be happy.”
“This isn’t the same. There are laws—”
I pulled away, slid the phallus out of him, and rose to my knees between his legs. “If you don’t want me,” I motioned between us, “or this, then say so. Say so right now, but don’t lie there with me inside you, thinking up reasons to put me off because you’re afraid. That’s just chicken and that’s not you.”
He jackknifed, startling me, and gripped my face in his hands. “I want you, Ruby, more than anything or anyone in this world, but you’re too romantic to see what’s right between is also what’s wrong. I want to be selfish and take you for my very own, but I can’t do that to you. Society won’t forget or forgive what I am. What we are. There’s a name for it, Ruby, and it’s ugly. We’re an abomination.
“You’d be giving up your dream of having children to live with a freak, a Frankenstein monster, not a man. I’m not a real man.” When I shook my head he pressed on. “I’m not. I never will be. As much as I feel that I am, I’m not. I can’t ask you to give up everything for me.”
“Then what is this? Why did you start it?” I pushed his hands aside. “Why did you make me fall in love with you if you’re just going to tell me it’s not real and I can’t have it? Why are you being so cruel?”
“I’m sorry.”
I climbed off the sofa, knocking his hand away when he tried to reach for me again. “No. Don’t touch me.” My hands trembled as I tried to work the buckle on the phallus. I felt stupid for wearing it, for falling for this man, for believing in him. I finally got free of it and threw it to the floor. “Don’t call me.” Sweeping down, I retrieved my dress. “Don’t come over. I need the man who made me feel beautiful and special, not this coward who torments me and turns my words against me. When you’re ready to be that man again, let me know. Until then I don’t want to see you.” With that, I stormed out of the library.
The thud of Henry getting to his feet behind me barely registered. He didn’t follow me as I tore through the house, my dress flapping open, not caring as I made my way to the front door. The butler met me there.
His gaze flickered over me briefly before flying up and sticking to the ceiling. “The car is waiting in the drive.” His tone said everything—everything he thought about me.
Of course the car was waiting. Not only did the butler not like me, he didn’t have any more faith in us than Henry did. I dashed away a tear and thanked him as I was taught.
Turning away from him, I redid the buttons on my dress, then opened the door and went down the walk. I thought I heard Henry’s voice as the car took off, but I didn’t dare look back for fear I was wrong.
And for fear I was right. I couldn’t go back to the way things were. I couldn’t take his money. I couldn’t lie under him and not feel the things I felt for him. I couldn’t pretend that we didn’t share something secret and special.
Most of all, I couldn’t pretend we might someday have everything I ever dreamed of.
Lesson Ten
Loud thumping on my front door woke me. The sun barely showed through the curtains, too bright to be night yet too weak to be full day. The pounding grew insistent, joined by the shout of a male voice. Jack.
The disappointment washed through me, cold then hot. What was he doing here? Hadn’t he done enough? Hadn’t he opened up then ruined everything? Wasn’t it his fault I lay in my bed alone instead of tucked into Henry’s warm embrace?
I strode to the door, not bothering with a robe, and yanked it open.
With raised fist to knock again, Jack tipped forward then caught himself on the doorjamb. He was unshaven, his hair looked as though he’d run his fingers through it a thousand times. Or he’d just come from the bed of another woman. The rush of jealousy surprised me. I’d given him up, choosing Henry over him. It was stupid to feel such emotions after everything that happened last night. My unreasonable emotions only added fuel to my anger.
“What do you want?” I demanded. “Haven’t you done enough already? You have to wake me and half the neighborhood too?”
“I’m sorry.” And he looked it too, from the crease of his brow to the turned down corners of his mouth to the sheepish look in his eye. “You don’t know what agony it was to wait till morning to come see you.”
“Nor do I care. Go away, Jack.”
“No, please. Wait. I have to talk to you.”
“I think you’ve done enough talking for the both of us.”
“He told you.”
“Of course he told me. He told me everything. And you knew all along. What was it, a joke to you? Were you and Henry both playing me for a fool? What did you think I’d do when I found out?”
“No, Ruby, I swear. None of that. It’s just that he needed you like I did, like Aaron did. Please let me in. Let me explain everything.”
The curtains across the street at the Morris house twitched. I’d be the talk of the neighborhood by noon, answering my door to a man in my nightdress. The damage was done and I could see that Jack wasn’t about to be moved from my porch. I knew him and his stubborn streak well enough to know that he’d stay rooted until he got his way.
“Come in.” I opened the door wider for him to pass through. “Say what you’ve got to say then go.”
He hobbled into the living room and sank down on the sofa. “Got any coffee?”
“What I’ve got is half a mind to dump the pot over your head if I had any. Say your piece already.”
“Henry called me.”
I stared at him in stony silence, telling myself I didn’t care what Henry did or didn’t do. Or Jack, for that matter. The lot of them could have each other and rot.
“He told me what happened,” he continued.
“What you wanted to happen.”
“He should’ve told you all along, Ruby. You know he should’ve. He was doubly selfish not telling you then trying to keep you all to himself.”
“So you’re going to tell me what you did, you did for me, is that it?”
“Yes.”
I deepened my scowl. “So he’s the only selfish one here, is that what you’re telling me? You blackmailed him to what? Protect me? Help me?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, no, Jack. That was all for you, not me. You can try to convince yourself of that but you’ll never convince me.”
“He wants you back.”
“So you’re his messenger now? I don’t care any more about what he wants than he cares about what I want.”
“Please, sit down. Please listen to what I have to say, then I’ll go and you’ll never see me again if that’s your wish.”
I took the chair opposite him and crossed my arms and legs and waited.
“Henry’s always been the way he is,” Jack began. “Since a child he never wanted the things a girl should want. He hated dresses and frilly things. He’d cut his hair short, then take the whipping that came with it gladly. As soon as he could, he moved out, changed his name, first and last, moved to Los Angeles, reinvented himself. He built his fortune from nothing. But none of it mattered. His father had a heart attack the first time he saw Henry’s picture in the paper. His mother took her own life shortly after.
“He paid for their funerals, but didn’t go. I’m pretty much all the family he has left.” At my surprise, he quirked a brow. “Don’t tell me you didn’t notice some kind of resemblance. We’re first cousins on his father’s side. We’ve always been close. I was the only one he kept in contact with after he moved out west. I stayed with him for a time after I came back.” He motioned toward his broken body. “He helped me recover and didn’t let me feel sorry for myself. He, along with you, helped me realize that I was more than what I was missing. He helped me get an apartment and find a job. He gave me money even when I refused.
“Noticing the changes in me after meeting you, he asked and I told him about you, about that first time, about how you saw me as a man even when I didn’t. That’s how you saw Aaron too, he told me that once. Did you know that? Said he’d never felt more like a man than when he was with you. I could see it in Henry’s face that he wanted that too. It’s a gift you have, Ruby, looking inside a person and seeing not only who they are, but who they wish they were. You saw me. Aaron too. And you saw Henry. You saw him even clearer than I ever could. Did you know that?”
I shook my head, not wanting to let his words get to me. But they were. Of course they were. Turning my face away, I swiped at my tears and pressed my lips together, trying to harden my heart against him and the things he said.
“I knew you were falling in love with him, I think even before you did. And the secret weighed heavier. When you called, I knew he’d put you up to it, but I also knew that it was what you wanted. You love him. But your love was based on lies. I told him that. I told him that he owed you the truth. That he didn’t deserve you until he told you everything. I did that for both of you. As long as your love was based on an illusion it wasn’t real love, and was that the kind of love he wanted? The kind his parents had for him? Or the kind of love he paid for?
“You see, I did it for him too. I had to know your love was real, that you loved him for who he was. He needed to know that too, even if he wouldn’t admit it. He’d always wonder. Always. And it would eat at him, Ruby, until it ate him up. He comes off as gruff and strong, but he’s not, not deep down. He’s fought hard to be who he is and it’s taken its toll. He needs you, Ruby. More than he’s willing to admit.”
I whipped my gaze around to meet his, the boiling brew of emotions pouring out despite how hard I tried to keep it back. “But does he want me? He threw every reason he could think of at me for why I shouldn’t want him, why we shouldn’t be together. I shouldn’t have to convince him. He has to want me too. I deserve to be wanted. I deserve to be fought for the way I fought for him. Sending you to do his work isn’t fighting for me, Jack.”
“He didn’t send me. After you left, he lost it. Charles called me to tell me Henry had had one of his episodes.”
“Who’s Charles?”
He looked at me in confusion. “Henry’s butler.”
“We were never introduced. Not even when he ordered Charles to bathe me because I reeked of you.”
“He what?” He shook his head sadly. “That stupid son of a bitch.”
“My thoughts exactly.”
“That self-sabotaging bastard. Jesus, he’s in deep with you. I didn’t realize. God.”
“He’s the one yo
u feel sorry for?”
“Yes. No. I know how it must have seemed to you, but it’s his reflex when he’s wounded. Strike back quickly and brutally.”
“Ruthless is what I’d call it. I can’t live with that, Jack. I deserve better. I gave you up for him, and all he’s done is throw it back in my face after he demanded I do it.”
“He tried to kill himself last night.”
Icy fear splashed over me. “What? Is he okay?” I started to get up, but Jack waved me back down.
“He is for now. Charles got to him in time, bandaged his wrists, and gave him a sedative. He was groggy, but coherent enough when I got there. He’s sorry, Ruby. So sorry. And desperate. He even offered something to me he never would’ve normally.”
“What?”
“I’ll let him tell you himself. When he’s well enough, he’ll come to you, Ruby, and when he does, please don’t turn him away. Please listen to him. He needs you, and I think you need him and what he’s going to offer.”
“I don’t understand. What could he have to offer other than an apology?”
“You’ll see. I told him I’d stay with you. He didn’t want you to be alone.” Jack painstakingly rose to stand.
He wobbled a bit before he got his crutch under him. It really was a miracle how well he was doing after his terrible injuries. To think that Henry was partly responsible for Jack’s recovery. Jack being the biggest contributor of course. He made his way to my chair and put a finger under my chin, tilting my face up to his.
“Come to bed with me, Ruby. Let me hold you while you get some rest. We can go to a diner later for some breakfast. What do you say?”
“I should be mad with you, but I’m not.”
He raised his face to the ceiling. “Thank the good Lord for that.”
Playfully swatting his hand away, I rose and he wrapped his arm around me. “I’ve missed you, you know.”
“No, I didn’t know, but I’m glad about it. Come to bed now. And no taking advantage of me in my weakened state.”
“Ha! You, weak?”
“I am around you, my Ruby. Weak in the knees, weak in the head, and most of all, weak in the heart.”