UFOs & Unpaid Taxes

by Rachel Ford

  He’d never considered Nance’s mad digital skills as a potential threat before. Now, he wondered how long it would actually take her to track him down, if she had a mind to do so. And then he shivered, and was suddenly less bothered by her declarations of friendship than he had been earlier in the evening.

  Li waited in the car while Alfred went inside. Nancy had found a beauty store on the way to their rendezvous, and, palms sweating, the taxman entered.

  It was well lit and cheery, with colorful displays that promised to turn women into mermaids and beauty queens and seductresses. There were counters that promised to reverse time, and products that vowed to eliminate pores and stray hair. Large signs advertised products to achieve perfect beach waves and silky-smooth hair. Others promised irresistible fragrances; whether these were aphrodisiacs or fragrances, Alfred wasn’t entirely sure. The sensuous photographs of models draped over one another seemed to have less to do with the one than the other.

  Alfred stood fixed in the doorway, and understood for the first time some semblance of what Li must have felt as he took his first steps on another world. This scene was certainly an alien landscape, and the associate sales rep who accosted him seemed immediately to home in on that discomfort. “Welcome!” she said.

  The taxman turned frightened eyes to her. “Hi,” he said nervously. She was very pretty, and sporting a wide selection of the products that were, no doubt, available for purchase somewhere on the floor here. Her hair was dyed a deep purple with light blue highlights, her eyes were lined, and her eyelids painted. Her lips were the color of blackberries, and her skin an inhumanly perfect palette of ivory. She sparkled along her cheekbones. “I’m, uh, looking for a few things.”

  She nodded. “Of course. Can I help?”

  “Yeah…uh…I have this…” he stammered pulling out his phone. “Nancy sent me a list of what she needs.”

  The associate – Florence, her nametag read – smiled. “Of course. I’ll help you find it.” Her eyes widened as she read. “Quite a shopping spree,” she laughed.

  “Is it? Oh, yes.”

  “Here, let’s start with the serum.” She led him to a section filled with more vials and droppers and bottles than he’d expect to find in a lab. “Your wife has excellent taste. This is one of our bestselling serums.”

  “Oh, we’re not married,” he said.

  “Sorry. Your girlfriend, then.”

  Alfred was about to correct her a second time, but, realizing that any honest explanation he could offer was far stranger than was justified by the situation, he just nodded. “Which one is it, now?”

  She pointed to one of the products. A brown display bottle promising to “fortify and regenerate skin for a youthful glow” sat in front of a line of boxes of the same product. It was the price tag that caught Alfred’s eye, though. Ninety-eight dollars? Holy sugar cookies. Still, Nancy had insisted that, if they were going to do it right, they’d need the full regimen. So, dutifully, he grabbed a box and slipped it into the bag Florence had brought with them.

  “Alright,” she said. “Let’s move onto the face creams.” They made their way through the list in this fashion, Florence complimenting Nancy’s taste in a way that, eventually, convinced the taxman that she felt he was being taken advantage of. He fought the compunction to defend Nance because, again, the explanation was far more difficult than accepting whatever assumptions were being made.

  Finally, he checked out. The bill came to a whopping nine hundred, ninety-three dollars and forty-five cents. Alfred almost passed out when the figure was quoted. Still, he forked over the money and then departed. A much poorer man than I entered.

  Li was delighted to see him return, though, and he poured through the bag with an almost childlike excitement. “Oh, what’s this?”

  “I don’t know. Primer, I think she said?”

  “What does it do?”

  “Uh…no idea.”

  “And what’s this? It’s very colorful. Oh, and what a funny package this is!” For a few minutes, Li was occupied in this fashion. Then, though, he grew distracted. “Alfred?”

  “Yes?”

  “Can we stop for food? I’m starving.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Alfred arrived at the rendezvous – another hotel – first. Li was excited. “Can we begin my disguise?”

  “Well…I don’t really know what Nance has in mind.”

  The alien brushed this aside. “I’m sure we can figure it out.”

  His optimism was not well founded. The pair were able to determine that the creamy, beige colored foundation he’d purchased was meant to disguise the blue of his skin. Applying it was another matter, though. First, they tried with their fingers. It smeared in great uneven splotches and stuck as much to Alfred’s hands as anything else. Then, the taxman remembered one of the brushes Nance had had him buy. “A foundation brush.”

  This was a little better. “It’s kind of like painting,” he decided as he spread the makeup around. Unfortunately, Alfred had never been much of an artist, and his efforts on Li’s face exemplified his limitations. The application was uneven, and streaked with lines mirroring the brush’s fibers.

  Still, the Geejayan was delighted to watch the blues of his face make way for a human skin tone. “Now we’re cooking with gas!” he declared happily. “I look like you.”

  Alfred was far less impressed with his handiwork. “Well,” he decided after a few moments of critical reflection, “Nance’ll be able to fix it up.”

  Nancy, though, was not able to salvage his work. She and Josh arrived shortly after Alfred abandoned the project. She wrapped him in a hug, saying, “Oh Alfred, we’ve been so worried.” Josh grimaced, but that she meant it, the taxman didn’t doubt.

  Now, Nancy turned her attention toward Li. “Mr. Li’Muldan,” she said, extending a hand. “It’s nice to meet you properly, not just over the phone.”

  The alien beamed to see her. “Nancy Abbot,” he said, “any friend of my friend Alfred’s is a friend of mine.”

  Introductions were finished, and Nancy handed Alfred a new cellphone. “Here,” she said. “It’s a burner.”

  “A burner?”

  “Yes. Give me yours. I’m going to take the sim card out.”

  “Why?”

  “Because the only reason I can think of that they haven’t already found you is because they don’t realize you have a new phone yet. But as soon as they do, they’re going to be looking for you. Looking for this phone.”

  “Oh.”

  When this was done, Nancy turned her attention to Li’s makeup. The first order of business was to undo everything the taxman had done. The foundation was swiped away first with makeup remover wipes, and then soap and water.

  Li patted his face dry, and Nancy glanced him over. “You don’t seem to be having a reaction to anything, so I guess we can proceed.” She began to apply a mind-boggling regimen. First came the serum. She dispensed a dime-sized portion of the liquid into the alien’s hands, with instructions to smooth it over his skin. When this was done, it was time for moisturizer. One jar was for the skin of the face, neck and – in Li’s case – head. The other was for the skin around his eyes. This, she explained, was because the eye skin was more delicate, at least on humans. “I assume it will be the same on your people.”

  They gave it a minute to absorb. “How does it feel?” Nancy asked.

  “Quite nice,” Li acknowledged. “It’s very refreshing.”

  Alfred and Josh shook their heads almost in unison. “I’d hope so,” the taxman muttered. “It cost enough.”

  Next, Nancy smoothed a primer over the alien’s skin. “This will help even the texture, and make it easier to spread the makeup.” The dimples of Li’s face began to vanish, the rises and falls smooth. “Now we’ll put on the foundation.” This took Nancy longer than it had taken Alfred. She experimented with several of the shades she’d had him purchase, settling at last on a blend of two.

  It was, Alfred
had to admit, a bit uncanny to see the blues of the alien’s face disappear, replaced with a façade of human skin tone. It was all the worse because she applied foundation to his neck and face, but only a portion of his head. “The wig will cover that,” she said. Still, in the meantime, he was a pale-faced, blue-headed, eyebrowless figure, smiling broadly with every new change to his color palette.

  Now Nancy began to add definition, sculpting his face from pale and amorphous to ruddy and defined. She added a flush of color to his upper cheeks, a bit of brown to signify shadow over the hollow of the cheek, and a swipe of highlighter to define cheekbones that otherwise barely existed.

  Next she outlined his shapeless lips with lip liner, and filled them in with a muted natural pink. Then, finally, she took out an eyebrow pencil, and drew in a convincing set of eyebrows.

  Alfred was stunned. Other than the lack of hair, Li had morphed from a somewhat male-presenting otherworldly creature into an almost-pretty human woman. Even this, though, Nancy soon remedied. She pulled out a suitcase, and from this suitcase withdrew a number of wigs.

  “I brought a few different types,” she said, “because I wasn’t sure if your features were going to lend themselves to masculine or feminine makeup.” She frowned. “You definitely ended up looking like a woman, though. You don’t mind, do you?”

  “Mind? I am honored, Nancy Abbot, that you have seen fit to make me look like one of your own.”

  Nancy smiled, and then Li smiled. “Well,” she said, “I’ve got a couple of options that will go with your face.”

  Alfred frowned at the offerings she showed. “Silver? Pink?”

  She shrugged. “They’re cosplay wigs.”

  “Don’t you have any normal colors?”

  “I do have a Janeway wig,” she said.

  “A what?”

  “Kathrine Janeway. You know, Star Trek? Voyager?” Alfred did not know, and told her as much. “Anyway, it’s a lot of hair. It’s pretty heavy. I don’t know if it would be a good starter wig, especially for someone who has never had hair before.”

  “Oh,” Li said quickly, “I am – how do you say it?” He paused. “Game! Yes, I am game.”

  “Alright,” she said. “But if it’s too heavy, let me know.” In a minute, she’d put on the wig cap and then the wig, and Li stood before them a strange apparition of a woman with a great, heavy bun atop her head. The alien seemed almost to disappear under the fake hair. His head sagged under the weight.

  Nancy frowned. “It doesn’t work.”

  Despite himself, Alfred had to nod. “Let’s try one of the others.”

  “How about this one?” Li said, pointing to a sharp, pink bob. “It’s very colorful.”

  The wigs were swapped, and this time even Josh nodded approval. “Much better.”

  “You’re a magician, Nancy Abbot. Like Merlin,” the alien declared. “I am transformed.”

  Josh had been observing the alien throughout, asking questions now and again as Nancy worked. “Well,” he confided to Alfred as Li examined his reflection in the mirror, “I guess I can’t see her as much of a threat.”

  “Who?”

  “Li.”

  “Oh.” He’d never quite shook his initial impression that the alien was male, even when he knew better. “Right.”

  “Now I can move among your people without being detected,” Li said. “I am truly in disguise.”

  Josh shook his head. “I mean, anyone who can be that excited about makeup and a wig? We’re not talking DEFCON One danger levels here.”

  “The Geejays are an ancient and advanced people,” Alfred cautioned. “But, I agree, they are not hostile.”

  Nancy walked over, beaming, with the alien in tow. With his makeup, wig and a pair of gloves, there was not a trace of his blue skin left visible. “Well?” she said. “What do you think? Will she pass?”

  The two men nodded. “I think so,” Alfred said.

  “Good job, babe.”

  She and Li exchanged smiles. “I am in your debt, Nancy Abbot. Now I really can explore this world of yours.”

  “Speaking of that,” she said, a frown replacing the smile. “What are we going to do about keeping Li safe? We can’t run from hotel to hotel forever.”

  “We’ve only to stay off the radar until next Friday,” Alfred offered. “Then Li’s ship comes back for him. Her.” He frowned. “Uh, Li?”

  “Yes?”

  “What should I call you? Him? Her?”

  “It is up to you, Alfred. You humans put much emphasis on your genders, but it is not important to me. You perceive me as male. Now I am pretending to be female.” The alien shrugged. “But if you are purely interested in accuracy, I believe the term is them.”

  “Oh.” Alfred nodded. “I will endeavor to remember.”

  “So your ship returns at the end of next week?” Nancy asked.

  “Yes.” Li sighed. “It seems, now that I have found such good friends, far too soon.”

  “Well, not that this isn’t still a crazy idea,” Josh said, “at least you’re not going to be hiding an alien for the rest of your life.”

  “We just have to avoid detection for a week and a half,” Alfred said, as much to reassure himself as his friends.

  Nancy frowned thoughtfully. “Sooner or later, they’re going to put out an APB on your rental, Alfred.”

  “I’m surprised they haven’t already, to be honest,” Josh mused.

  “They might be afraid to involve regular cops,” she said. “The whole point is to keep Li out of sight. Let’s face it, if they pull Alfred over and see an alien, the cat’s out of the bag.”

  The marine nodded. “They’re probably hoping to find him first.”

  “Yes. But they’re not going to wait forever. If they – whoever they is – can’t do it on their own, they’re going to widen the search. Involve more branches of law enforcement.”

  “Which means,” Josh thought aloud, “you need to get off the road, out of sight. You’re going to have to lie low for a while.”

  “I can’t go home,” the taxman said.

  “No, they’ll be watching your house.”

  “And yours too, probably, Nance,” Josh pointed out. “You’re friends, you work at the same office.”

  She nodded slowly, then she drew in a sudden, sharp breath. Her eyes sparkled. “But you know whose place they won’t know to watch?”

  “Whose?”

  “Yours, Josh!”

  Chapter Nineteen

  It was hard to tell who hated Nance’s idea more, the marine or the taxman. Still, no one had a better solution, and neither had a good reason to reject her proposal. Josh was already neck deep in Alfred’s schemes; it’d mean more charges, but providing shelter to the alien wasn’t likely to get him in any worse trouble. How much worse could life in prison get, anyway? And Alfred had no safehouse of his own available.

  So it was decided. They all headed out, Josh and Nancy together in one car, and Alfred and Li in the taxman’s rental. With a detour to a drive through – the Geejayan was hungry, again – they were on their way.

  The beginning of their journey was punctuated only by the sounds of slurping as Li downed three hamburgers, two large fries, and two extra-sized milkshakes, one chocolate and the other strawberry flavored.

  When the supersized meal was complete, they traveled for a time in silence. Then the alien asked, “Alfred?”

  “Yes?”

  “Is Nancy your mate?”

  He blinked at the query. “What?”

  “Nancy Abbot. Is she your mate?”

  He laughed nervously. “No, of course not.”

  “Ah. Then you only desire that she would be.”

  It sounded like more of a statement than a question, and Alfred flushed. “Of course not.”

  Li turned a set of navy-blue eyes on him. “You need not be ashamed, Alfred Favero. It is perfectly natural for a human male yet in the prime of his reproductive years – albeit it the latter half of them �
� to desire a relationship with an attractive female of his species.”

  Alfred could feel his cheeks burning hotter. “I don’t…that is, Nancy and I are just friends.”

  He – they – nodded slowly. “I understand it is the custom of your people to conceal their feelings in such matters. But you need not attempt such artifice with me, Alfred. I counted no less than four signs of sexual attraction in your manners in the first thirty seconds of encountering Nancy Abbot.”

  “You…did?”

  The alien nodded. “Yes. Your pupils dilated. You began to sweat. Your breathing picked up. And your pulse quickened.”

  “How…the heck could you tell what my pulse was doing?” The first three were creepy enough, but could, he imagined, be detected by very attentive watching. But to measure his pulse?

  “Oh, that’s easy. The veins on your neck began to twitch. Until tonight, I’ve only observed that occurring when you were frightened.”

  Alfred was silent for a moment, listening to the dreary drumbeat of his pulse in his ears. Then, he said resolutely, “Well, it doesn’t matter anyway. Nancy’s dating Josh.”

  “Ah.” Li sat thoughtfully for a full minute, then declared, “You know, I do not care for Josh Stevenson.”

  This, at least, got the taxman’s attention. “Me either. There’s something about him, isn’t there? I don’t know what it is, but there’s something.”

  “He’s a bird dog.”

  Alfred frowned. “A what?”

  “A bird dog. He stole your girl.”

  Alfred felt the color creeping back into his cheeks. “Nancy wasn’t…she was never my girl, Li.”

  “She cares for you.”

  “Maybe, once. But I blew it.”

  The alien studied him, then shook their head. “How strange your mating rituals are. It seems you humans complicate every facet of your life with them. But, no, Alfred: Nancy Abbot still cares for you.”

  “She…does?” Li nodded confidently, and Alfred felt a flicker of something – was it hope? – in his heart. “How do you know?”