The Emotionally Available Partner

by Marian Lindner

  Now we know that our bodies are a miracle. Women’s bodies experience pleasure no matter what our relationship status, our body size, or our age. To heal our partnership issues, we now explore all the ways that our body supports us. We thank our body for all it does for us everyday. Today let’s exalt our bodies by treating ourselves to various pleasures such as a nice walk in the fresh air, a warm bubble bath with lit candles, a massage, a hug, a warm cup of tea, or nurturing foods.

  Today I know that my body is not a vehicle to attract a partner. I love and honor my body.

  Day 108

  Saying No

  I am able to say “no” with my voice.

  “’No’ is a complete sentence.”―Anonymous

  Many of us mute our own voices, apologize for our needs, and do not feel safe in setting boundaries. We say through our behavior what we cannot say with our voices. For example, if we are too afraid of relationships then we run from emotionally available people or we choose unavailable individuals where there is no chance for real intimacy.

  Saying “no” when we want to say “no” is the antidote to the race from intimacy, though. Sometimes we may be tempted to add a long explanation when we say “no,” but saying “no” is enough. It is a skill we need to develop. Speaking our truth and getting more comfortable saying “no” helps us to choose available people. Saying “no” helps us establish the limits of where we begin and end, what we want in our lives, and what we don’t. When we use our voices, we hear with new clarity ourselves saying “no”—and saying “yes.”

  I don’t have to add a long explanation when I say “no” today. I know that I can say “yes” to an emotionally available partner.

  Day 109

  Limits and Boundaries

  I set limits and boundaries with potential partners.

  A boundary defines where we begin and end, and where our partner begins and ends. When we set boundaries with someone, we make it easier for them to act appropriately with us. Boundaries help them and help us. Today especially, when women and men are confused about what is appropriate and what the other person wants, it is tremendously appropriate to set the boundaries that keep us comfortable in a partnership. If we need to see a person three times a week, we say that. If we cannot accept personal calls at work, we let an individual know. If we need a little space, we are up front. We make our boundaries count.

  We do not expect another person to maintain the boundaries for us. The boundaries we set are ultimately our responsibility. Today we set limits, maintain the parameters, or re-negotiate the boundaries as necessary. People can take it when we set limits because boundary setting is actually a gift that lets another person know what does and does not work for us.

  Today I set my boundaries with a potential partner.

  Day 110

  Belief

  I believe in myself.

  Resolving our partnership issues isn’t always fun or painless. Our dedication to this process is amazing. It gives credence to our commitment to our own selves. We have done well in life so far. We have seen ourselves move through many events. It feels good to know we have faith in ourselves, to thank ourselves for our work, and to honor all the ways we are showing up for ourselves.

  Today let’s review our time in this healing process by listing all the good reasons we have to believe in ourselves and all of our estimable acts. If we find ourselves getting down on ourselves or on our process from time to time, we can take out this list as a reminder of how much we have done to heal our partnership issues. This list is a reminder of how strongly we believe in ourselves.

  Today I am someone to be believed in.

  Day 111

  Sincerity

  I place my thoughts and feelings on the table.

  It feels good to be sincere; however, many of us have come to believe that sincerity is impossible in an intimate relationship. Because we have gravitated toward unavailable people, we have had experiences with others who were unable to respond to our honesty. Many of us now fear that frankness will drive another person away; yet speaking with sincerity actually gives us a chance to hear ourselves say something out loud. Honesty also offers the other person the chance to know us, which is a divine gift.

  Our needs, thoughts, and feelings are important. We deserve to be seen and heard. For the next twenty-four hours we make a courageous decision to tell the truth.

  Today I speak my truth so that my partner can hear me.

  Day 112

  Objectivity

  I see others objectively.

  Here’s a shocking and dispassionate idea: let’s look at a potential partner as we would a science experiment. Because all our programming about partnership has caused us so much pain in the past, we have most often been unable to see the truth about a person. We are used to seeing what we want to see in others. Healing is about being objective, though. Healing means that we actually see the individual in front of us. We notice them. With practice we become better and better at not transferring all our prejudices onto a potential partner.

  Letting go of our egos and our subjectivity takes practice and courage. We must release all of our old conceptions of people. To see each individual as a science experiment we need to ask questions. Some sample questions are: “What qualities do we detect? What do we observe in this person? How are we responding to them?” Today we know that seeing details and behaviors of potential partners transfers information that is necessary for making good decisions about them. Now we look clearly at the individual in front of us.

  Today I release all my subjective ideas about a person. I see them clearly.

  Day 113

  Energy Boundaries

  I keep my energy boundaries for fun.

  Our energy is our own; we only have to share it with another person if we choose. Some people do not believe in energy, yet most of us have heard the term “energy vampire.” If someone seems to be trying desperately to get our attention or is speaking to us without love, we can use an energetic shield to protect ourselves. The practice of constructing energy boundaries keeps out all negativity. It also can promote positive feelings.

  One technique is to imagine ourselves covered by a bell-shaped, translucent coating that is permeable only by joy and light. As the bell touches the ground, we pull up a loving golden light to surround us while minerals and animals of the earth go ping-ponging around the coating of our bell to deflect any negative energy that protrudes into our safe energetic space. Whether we use a technique such as the bell shape, or simply cross our ankles and touch our thumbs to one another, we can contain our energy. These techniques might not be for everyone; however, they do work.

  Today I use energetic techniques to keep myself safe.

  Day 114

  Privacy

  I keep my privacy in a relationship.

  Ultimately we can’t say the wrong thing to the right person; however, we do have the ability to maintain our privacy. The individual in our lives does not need to know all about us or all about our partnership history. We do not want to overwhelm a potential partner by telling them too much. If we want to share something, we are always welcome to. We also give ourselves permission to maintain our privacy.

  If information does not pertain to health issues or is not dangerous in any way if left unsaid, we are always entitled to share only what we want. We don’t have to tell a potential partner something that might turn them off. We deserve a wonderful person. Now we say what feels right to them.

  Today I abstain from overwhelming a person.

  Day 115

  Boundaries

  I know my boundaries and I hold them.

  Because we been in unfulfilling relationships for so long, we may not know that maintaining our boundaries with another person is our responsibility. A boundary is a limit that makes us comfortable. Once we set a boundary with a person, it is important to note that we set the limit. We can continually check in with ourselves and determine if we want to re-negotiate our bounda
ry; however, we can never expect another person to uphold our boundary if we don’t or can’t.

  To have a fulfilling relationship, we need to think a boundary through. If we believe it is a boundary we want to uphold and that can be upheld within the context of our partnership, we make a decision to protect our own boundaries. Even if the challenge is great, we can do it. Our boundary is ultimately not the responsibility of another. Today we release built-in resentments at other people by knowing our boundaries and by sustaining them.

  Today I define, maintain, or re-negotiate my own boundaries.

  Day 116

  Inner Child

  I keep my inner child safe.

  If no one cared about us being married when we were children because they were too self-involved or if they cared only about our being married, our inner child may still have significant programming about partnership. It follows then that our inner child either doesn’t care about us being married, or cares way too much.

  Now whenever we are in an emotionally charged situation around a relationship, it is important to be the adult and to keep our inner child safe. Though this practice might not be for everyone, one option is to leave our inner child at the park or playground so that she does not have to go through a frightening experience. (This always works as long as we do not forget to pick her up afterwards!) Talking to our inner child with love always work miracles as well. Today we shelter our inner child. We know that once that tender part of us is taken care of, the emotionally mature adult in us can emerge.

  For difficult situations, I leave my inner child where she can play and then remember to return for her.

  Day 117

  Self-Trust

  I love to trust myself.

  “Love without trust is impossible.”―Anonymous

  Relying on ourselves to practice self-love on this journey builds self-trust. Day by bay, loving interaction by loving interaction, we begin to have a love affair with the one who deserves our love the most—ourselves. We build trust one day at a time. Trust means that we protect ourselves, give ourselves the best of everything, and accept every part of ourselves. We even accept the parts that make us uncomfortable.

  Trust is confidence in our integrity, strength, and skill. Today we know that we are trustworthy and trusted. We deserve a wonderful, available person.

  I am trustworthy.

  Day 118

  Journaling

  I keep a record of my progress in relationships.

  Keeping a journal is a wonderful aid to our healing. Positive experiences happen as we walk this path. Even if we only write about how afraid we are that we will never heal our partnership issues, the act of keeping a record enables us to concretely process our journey. One suggestion is to write three things we are grateful for, three things we did well, and three things we could do better each day.

  By journaling we chart our upward movement, get useful insights on our interactions with potential partners, and celebrate our successes. Today we record our hopes, challenges, and successes as we move toward a relationship with an emotionally available partner.

  Today I keep my journal up to date because it keeps me informed.

  Day 119

  Frankness

  I am direct.

  Directness solves many complications. It is the simple solution to a complex problem. Women in our culture are not often taught to directly express our needs and feelings; however, frankness is a skill those of us healing our fears of partnership need to learn. Being stuck is about knowing how we feel, yet being too intimidated to tell another person.

  Now that we are healing, we take the risk to put frankness into practice on a daily basis. We know that directness solves many problems. The responses we get to our honest sharing range from mild surprise to gratitude when we tell the truth. Whatever the reaction, though, we continue to practice being honest. It gives our world a bit of what it needs—the truth.

  Today I tell the truth.

  Day 120

  Meditation

  I love to practice meditation.

  “Prayer is talking to our Higher Power. Meditating is listening to our Higher Power’s answers.”―Anonymous

  Meditation is a practice that gives us the chance to see what’s going on. We quiet the mind and connect to the universe. While sitting still can be hard for us at first, soon it begins to feel good. When we meditate, we find that our lives start to flow more smoothly. Important ideas pop into our consciousness when we rest our minds. We get insight because we are being brought back to the present moment. Often, if we have a question, letting the energy of the universe in by getting still and silent helps unravel our next step.

  How do we do it, though? Learning to meditate can be done from a book, a teacher, or from a good friend who knows how to practice. Then once we learn how to meditate, meditation can be practiced in many ways. We can practice meditation alone, with a group, with our partner, sitting in the lotus position, lying on the bed listening to soft music, or by some other method. Whatever way we practice meditating, the experience gets us closer to ourselves. Meditation teaches us how to love more effectively. Today we use the tool of meditation to be present.

  Today I take some quiet time to meditate.

  Chapter Summary:

  Building confidence takes work. As you finish this chapter, you may find you are already using these techniques or you may realize that many of the skills outlined in this chapter are not currently in your repertoire. No matter where you are, the steady practice of these tools helps you heal your partnership issues.

  Right now, take a few minutes to identify 3 tools from this chapter that you would like to try. Look at your schedule and determine when you could implement these magical ideas. Make note of at least 1 tool that you used in the past week. Finally, make a decision to pat yourself on the back every time you find yourself using one of these strategies. You are worth the effort!

  You have done the work of incorporating these confidence-building exercises in your daily life to make you stronger as you move into the next phase. Then as you start to interact with potential partners, you rely on these practices to sustain you.

  Phase I Summary:

  Now that you have reached the end of Phase I, congratulate yourself on a job well done! You have a much greater understanding of yourself at this time. You see the reasons you chose unavailable people, you have compassion for yourself when you notice your old behavior popping up, you love yourself more completely, and you have a body of tools to help you maintain your strength. At this point you may notice that you are feeling stronger. This is the result of all your hard work! Now you can move on with courage to Phase II—Understanding Other People.

  Right now you may be chomping at the bit to get out there in the dating pool, you may have fears surfacing about interacting with potential partners, or you may have already begun dating. Wherever you are, you are in exactly the right place. Trust yourself. The next chapters will guide you through the process of meeting other people with awareness. Just remember to enjoy yourself as you enter Phase II.

  Phase I I

  ♥♥♥♥

  Understanding

  Other People

  ∙5∙

  Dating Is a Great

  Opportunity!

  In this chapter, you will learn how to support yourself as you interact with potential partners. You will discover new ways to meet people, how to see individuals instead of stereotypes, and why dating gives you a chance to get to know yourself better. Dating is challenging for everyone, but it can be very rewarding. Take a deep breath and relax. Each day that you interact with potential partners, you are getting closer to the person who can fulfill you.

  Day 121

  Dating

  I see dating as a great opportunity to explore my responses to potential partners.

  Dating can be painful. It sometimes seems like as we date we are either being rejected or having to reject someone else. Even though it is tough, dating is a gr
eat opportunity. When we date we get to explore our responses to people.

  We do need the experience, but where do we go to meet others? Online dating services, sporting events, social clubs, matchmakers, asking friends to set us up, and interesting classes all offer opportunities to meet single, available individuals who want to meet women just like us. A double or even triple date is also a great, low-pressure dating idea in which each person has a chance to meet several single people while feeling comfortable around her/his friends at the same time.

  Whatever dating options we choose to explore, let’s remember that dating is challenging for everybody. In fact, talking about the nervousness and the experience is a great way to connect with someone, understand more about them, and evaluate their responses to life.

  Today I know that I am not on a date alone as I explore my interactions with a potential partner.

  Day 122

  Dating Several Potential Partners at a Time

  I notice my responses when I date several people at a time.

  Dating several people at a time offers us a great opportunity to compare our responses to individuals. Do we want to get the attention of the person who is more unavailable? Do we hold on to our original attraction even if it has faded? Are we more afraid of a person who is available? Do we compare people’s physical characteristics? Do we favor the appearance of the charmers more? Dating several potential partners at a time is a chance to get closer to ourselves. It is a great opportunity to see our partnership issues functioning.

  Everybody has preferences for dating. For some of us, dating more than one person at a time is challenging. We may decide we cannot handle all the information. Others of us may feel it is easier to date several people. That way we don’t get obsessed with any one person, and don’t keep all our eggs in one basket. Whatever way we decide to date is just fine; however, today we know it is appropriate to date several people at a time.