The Emotionally Available Partner

by Marian Lindner

Our relationship-related challenges stem from the idea that the right partner will make our dreams come true. Now we know better. A partner may bring us many gifts, yet we are powerful adults who honor our heart’s desire. No matter what our relationship status, today we fulfill our dreams.

  Today I take steps to make my dreams come true.

  Day 328

  Winning

  I am a winner.

  We do many wonderful things for ourselves each day. We are winners in life. Simply by getting to this place on our journey to heal our partnership issues, we are triumphing. We may associate winning with being in a partnership; however, a focus on marriage can derail us from all the miracles available to us right now. We forget that no matter what our status, simply doing this work makes us winners.

  We are successful every time we re-conceptualize potential partners as loving beings, think of partnership, love, and sex with a sense of peace, and profoundly love ourselves. The process is what is important. We are winners today!

  Today I enter the winner’s circle as I heal my partnership issues.

  Day 329

  Service

  I am of service to other people.

  Women are taught to be great caretakers; however, there is a big difference between caretaking and being of service. Basically the difference lies in the motivation. Are we seeking love by doing for others? Are we searching for glory? Does it feel good to help someone who is in need? When we are clear about our motivation, we can be certain that we are in a service mode rather than caretaking in the hopes of getting our own needs met. Service is helping another without any expectation of reward. It feels good!

  The tool of service helps us as we heal our partnership issues, too, because service gets us out of ourselves. Being of help to others transfers us from being victims to being helpers. In the past, our partnership issues have made us very self-obsessed. Our self-centeredness has worked to separate us from others. Now whenever we find ourselves getting caught up in selfishness and self-centered fears, we turn our attention to what we can do to help others.

  For the next 24 hours, I am open to doing service for another person.

  Day 330

  The Holidays

  I stay present with all my feelings during the holidays.

  The holiday season is a time of joy and harmony, as well as an opportunity for growth. Many women get lonely at the holidays. We tend to feel left out, isolated, and hopeless, whatever our partnership status. The holidays can bring up a mix of emotions. The holiday season may be a time we consider with trepidation. Women who are single at the holidays may meet with comments about our partnership status that can be very uncomfortable. If this is the case, a planned response to parents, relatives, and friends can be useful. For women who are in partnerships, the holidays may also bring issues to the surface. Meeting our partner’s family, trying to fulfill the needs of others, staying connected emotionally to the person in our lives, and being present for ourselves can present very real challenges.

  Whatever our situation, the holidays mark a very emotionally loaded time. Holding ourselves and knowing we will make it through the holidays is important. With gratitude for all the miracles we have in our lives, this holiday season we enjoy ourselves as we walk through our feelings.

  Today I love myself through the holidays. I know that I am emotionally available.

  Day 331

  Birthdays

  I take especially good care of myself around my birthday.

  Getting older can be challenging in our society. Having a birthday can cause tremendous anxiety in women. On turning 30, 35, 40, 45, 50, 60, or 70 many of us desire to act out, desperately seek a partner, fall into depression, get fearful, or compare ourselves to where others are in life. No matter what we do, all behavior is OK. We are just fine.

  Although our culture prizes youth, now we know that there are many other ways of looking at aging. For example, in many cultures the elders are revered for their wisdom and life experiences. Youth is not worshipped in every culture.

  Today we know that we are getting better and better with each day that passes. We are becoming wiser and more loving. Now when we have a birthday coming up, we take extra-special care of ourselves.

  On my birthday, I revere myself for all my wisdom and growth.

  Day 332

  Power

  I own my own power.

  Women are powerful beings. Female power can be linear, the way power is traditionally viewed in our society. Women also have powerful non-linear feminine abilities. For example, women have the power to let other people shine, the power to bring new life into the world if we choose, the power to love, and the power to nurture new life. Our power belongs to us.

  Although many of us may have consistently given our power to others in order to get love, we know that is no longer necessary. Now we have the chance to internalize our own power and take strength from our miraculous energy. We know that we are amazing beings with unlimited potential. Today we feel good in owning our power.

  Today I rejoice in my feminine power.

  Day 333

  Roots

  I am firmly rooted in myself.

  Many of us forget that we are a part of this world. We forget that our place on the planet is special and precious. Although our challenges have gotten us into painful relationships, our issues have only manifested to teach us that we are here on this earth to have wonderful people in our lives.

  Today we allow our roots to grow deep into the earth. Now we create a special place for ourselves. Every day we absorb love, food, water, sunlight, nurturing, care, and attention from our essential underground source—true love. Today that love within us gives us what we need as we take root. Then we can flower in the process of loving an emotionally available partner.

  Today I know that who I am is enough.

  Day 334

  Being

  I am present.

  “The past is history, the future is a mystery, the present is a gift.”―Eleanor Roosevelt

  Being present with potential partners takes work for women healing our relationship issues. Being present means being aware and in our bodies. Our emotional shakiness functions as a running away from the moment. It manifests as a desire not to stand still and face reality.

  Now we know that by healing and showing up for this very moment in the present, we are creating a powerful, safe future for ourselves. The past with people is over and done with. We cannot change it. The future is a projection. Today is all we have. We have no more and no less than any other person on the planet. We are as rich in the time of this 24 hour period as the wealthiest person in the world. We have as much as anyone else. For this day only, we spend our riches wisely by being fully present with an emotionally available partner.

  Today I celebrate myself because I am in the present moment.

  Day 335

  Freedom

  I am with who I want, how much, and in the way I want.

  Real freedom comes from choosing who we are with. Our time on this planet is precious. We deserve to spend it wisely by being with whom we want, how often we want to be with them, and in the ways that work for us. Obviously we need to respect another person’s choices, too; however, we decide who we are with whenever that is possible.

  Being honest about who we want to be with is part of this process. Searching deeply within ourselves, and believing we deserve to be with the partner that we want, may take a lot of work for some of us to achieve. The difficulty arises because of our old ideas about other people, about partnership, and about what we deserve. We are worth the effort, though.

  The next step is to figure out how much time we are comfortable being with an individual. Do we want to see them only in the evenings, several times a week, or on weekends? This helps us to visualize the relationship that we want. We are important; we are worth all the work the process of healing takes. When we are on the other side of our partnership issues, we are free.

  Today I kn
ow my imagination is powerful. I envision the relationship I want.

  Day 336

  Celebration

  I celebrate my healing this year.

  “The only person I need to compare myself to is the person I was when I started my recovery.”―Eric R.

  We are on the brink of freedom. Today is a special opportunity to affirm how far we have come on our journey to heal our partnership issues. Looking back at our progress to stay present, to choose available people, and to love authentically, we claim the miracle of our healing for ourselves.

  Today let’s list all of the positive experiences we have had on our journey so far. This day is a celebratory marker of our growth and positive movement. Right now, let’s acknowledge all the work we have done and wish ourselves well!

  Today I am ready for love.

  Chapter Summary:

  You are a very powerful being. You are successful right now. Congratulate yourself on a job well done. All of your work to let in an emotionally available partner is paying off. This journey is a celebration of your self-love. You are a winner!

  Today make a list of 3 wonderful things you do for yourself each day. Write 2 examples of positive changes you have made since you began reading this book. Plan a time to celebrate your successes. Affirm that you are on your way to letting in the love of an emotionally available partner!

  At this point, you may be enjoying a loving relationship; you may not have found your partner yet; or you may be so involved in your life that the desire to partner is less acute. No matter where you are, do not judge your process. Trust that you will experience the emotionally rich partnership that you want.

  Since it is still very easy to get wrapped up in the goal of finding an emotionally available partner rather than celebrating the process, I put the next chapter on the joy of commitment last. I wanted you to get the benefit of all of the other chapters before reading this one. Successful relationships do not happen by magic. Being in a committed relationship takes a lot of work. Many women still believe in the fairy tale, but it takes daily effort to maintain a healthy partnership.

  The next chapter helps you do the work necessary to sustain your relationship. It helps you to stay emotionally present for your partner when you are in a relationship. It provides essential skills for successful relating. It teaches you the joy of commitment. Now you are ready to let real love in.

  ∙12∙

  The Joy of Commitment

  This chapter offers you guidelines to maintaining a successful relationship. You will learn how to handle conflict, how to give your relationship a high priority on a daily basis, how to keep the focus on yourself, and how to truly share love with an emotionally available partner. Commitment is challenging, but the pay-offs are worth it. Love yourself and your partner as you indulge in the joy of commitment!

  Day 337

  Commitment

  I am ready for a commitment.

  Being ready for a commitment can seem impossible. True intimacy with another person can seem too terrifying to imagine. We have many good reasons, conscious or not, restricting us from believing a committed relationship is desirable for us. We may also feel hopeless about the possibility of maintaining a relationship once we do commit to it.

  What we forget, though, is that the person we need to entrust ourselves to is our Self. When we care for ourselves, body, mind and soul, then we are ready for a commitment. We already know how to love naturally. We were created to share our love with others if we choose to. Doing this work just gets us ready to commit. We are well on our way!

  Today I love to commit. I do it for fun!

  Day 338

  Beginnings

  I see every day as a new beginning to my relationship.

  Beginnings are wonderful. The beginning of a relationship introduces us to all of the wonder of our partner. We share, explore, and enjoy this person in front of us. Beginnings are simply one part of the process, though. Women who experience challenges in partnership often begin a relationship by getting “hooked” on the pleasure of beginnings, ignoring danger signs, giving ourselves and our power away, clinging to our partner, or shying away from intimacy.

  Now we know that our commitment to this healing journey means that we make a choice to let love in every day. Today we are emotionally solid as a relationship begins. Then we decide to carry on that commitment to the relationship throughout the rest of the relationship’s progress.

  Today I am available to begin my relationship.

  Day 339

  Committing

  I re-conceptualize commitment as a pleasurable experience.

  For many of us, commitment is terrifying. We worry about being stuck, trapped, or jilted. Commitments are fun, though, as long as we understand what we are committing to. As long as we are certain that we want to be involved with someone, we can enjoy our commitments. Commitment simply means to pledge ourselves; committing is a process of giving our love in trust to another person.

  Now, when we are ready to commit, we find that there are many benefits to committing. Benefits include the chance to show up, the opportunity to love a partner, and the opportunity to grow. Pledging ourselves get us out of our heads and ends our isolation. Today we re-conceptualize commitment to a person we love as a pleasurable experience.

  Today I love to commit.

  Day 340

  Decisions

  I decide in favor of being in a relationship.

  For us, being in favor of a relationship with a partner takes guts. Relationships can represent fear and pain, or at least struggle, to many of us. When a person is in front of us and wants to engage in a relationship, this is the time to get closely in touch with ourselves. We can do a quick check-in by asking questions. Some sample questions are: “Do I want to relate with them? What is my motivation? Am I tempted to pull back? Is fear the motivator?”

  Checking in with safe friends, a therapist, or other women on this journey also assists us to decide if the relationship is important to us. Emotional availability knows that checking in with ourselves about a potential partner helps us move into an appropriate relationship when the time is right. Examining our motivation is always a wonderful tool to help us decide if we want to be in relationship with an individual. Today we go to the source—ourselves.

  I am open to being in a relationship today.

  Day 341

  Conflict

  I let go of conflict.

  Every couple will encounter struggles, yet many women expect the fairy tale. We rarely have well-developed skills to handle conflict. Our emotions have either sent us running from conflict in fear or have “raised our hackles.” Because of our fears and issues, we have experienced relationships where we, or our partners, never let go of conflicts.

  If we are experiencing a challenge with our partner now, most of us do not realize that this is normal. Conflict is a part of life; everyone experiences conflict. Emotionally available partners realize that holding on to struggle is detrimental to the relationship.

  Healing means that we let go of conflict, act lovingly, and remember all of the reasons that we are with a person. We honor the good parts of the relationship. Today we take the lead in our relationship. For this day only, we stop indulging in conflict.

  Today I make my relationship top priority. I let go of conflict.

  Day 342

  Misunderstandings

  I plan a response to misunderstandings with my partner.

  “Whenever my husband or I is upset, we have this funny old pair of glasses that we put on. It is our signal that we need to remember how much we care about each other and that our misunderstanding is not as important as our relationship. Those glasses have gotten us out of some really tough situations.”―Mary Jane

  Misunderstandings can easily happen in a relationship due to differing expectations or communication styles. Whatever the cause, it is important to calm down and be rational when we have misunderstandings. Making a decision that the relationship
takes priority, even if we are completely furious, takes a lot of discipline, though.

  It can help if each member of the couple agrees to use reminders beforehand. Reminders can include a silly word, an agreement to always hold hands while fighting, a decision to lie down on the bed together and just breathe, or a decision that either party can take a fifteen minute walk and then return. Whatever method we develop in our partnership, a jointly planned response to the inevitability of misunderstandings keeps the importance of the relationship paramount.

  My partner and I make a decision that the relationship comes first today.

  Day 343

  Team Members

  I am on the same team as my partner.

  Deciding to play on a team with our partner can be challenging for us. The cultural myth is that finding the “right” partner will mean that the relationship struggle is over. Each partner will understand the other so well that the relationship will run itself. This rarely happens, though, because each player may be using a different rulebook.

  The concept of being team members in a relationship can help. Team members have a sense of a common goal, camaraderie, and a shared knowledge of the game’s ground-rules. Each team member works together to be successful. Playing on a team is also fun.

  Today we know that we deserve a relationship with clear goals, common ground-rules, and two loving teammates. Now we play on the same team as our partner.

  Today I take the time to gently explore with my teammate the ground-rules of our relationship. Together we win the game.

  Day 344

  Day by Day

  I honor my day to day, loving relationship.

  Today we honor the day to day process of maintaining a loving relationship, whether the relationship is with ourselves or with a partner. Healing is about putting new ideas and behaviors into practice on a daily basis. What better opportunities do we have to practice than in our significant relationships with ourselves and others? Emotional availability knows that every day is an opportunity to interact lovingly with a potential partner.