Grass for His Pillow

by Lian Hearn

  Shizuka grasped her hands. “Never let anyone know that! Not one of these warriors, not even Arai, would let you live.”

  “I feel no guilt or remorse,” Kaede said. “I never did a less shameful deed. Not only did I protect myself but the deaths of many were avenged: Lord Shigeru; my kinswoman, Lady Maruyama, and her daughter; and all the other innocent people whom Iida tortured and murdered.”

  “Nevertheless, if this became generally known, you would be punished for it. Men would think the world turned upside down if women start taking up arms and seeking revenge.”

  “My world is already turned upside down,” Kaede said. “Still, I must go and see Lord Arai. Bring me. . .” She broke off and laughed. “I was going to say, ‘bring me some clothes,’ but I have none. I have nothing!”

  “You have a horse,” Shizuka replied. “Takeo left the gray for you.”

  “He left me Raku?” Kaede smiled, a true smile that illuminated her face. She stared into the distance, her eyes dark and thoughtful.

  “Lady?” Shizuka touched her on the shoulder.

  “Comb out my hair and send a message to Lord Arai to say I will visit him directly.”

  IT WAS ALMOST completely dark by the time they left the women’s rooms and went toward the main guest rooms where Arai and his men were staying. Lights gleamed from the temple, and farther up the slope, beneath the trees, men stood with flaring torches around Lord Shigeru’s grave. Even at this hour people came to visit it, bringing incense and offerings, placing lamps and candles on the ground around the stone, seeking the help of the dead man who every day became more of a god to them.

  He sleeps beneath a covering of flame, Kaede thought, herself praying silently to Shigeru’s spirit for guidance, while she pondered what she should say to Arai. She was the heir to both Shirakawa and Maruyama; she knew Arai would be seeking some strong alliance with her, probably some marriage that would bind her into the power he was amassing. They had spoken a few times during her stay at Inuyama, and again on the journey, but Arai’s attention had been taken up with securing the countryside and his strategies for the future. He had not shared these with her, beyond expressing his desire for the Otori marriage to take place. Once—a lifetime ago, it seemed now—she had wanted to be more than a pawn in the hands of the warriors who commanded her fate. Now, with the newfound strength that the icy sleep had given her, she resolved again to take control of her life. I need time, she thought. I must do nothing rashly. I must go home before I make any decisions.

  One of Arai’s men—she remembered his name was Niwa—greeted her at the veranda’s edge and led her to the doorway. The shutters all stood open. Arai sat at the end of the room, three of his men next to him. Niwa spoke her name and the warlord looked up at her. For a moment they studied each other. She held his gaze and felt power’s strong pulse in her veins. Then she dropped to her knees and bowed to him, resenting the gesture yet knowing she had to appear to submit.

  He returned her bow, and they both sat up at the same time. Kaede felt his eyes on her. She raised her head and gave him the same unflinching look. He could not meet it. Her heart was pounding at her audacity. In the past she had both liked and trusted the man in front of her. Now she saw changes in his face. The lines had deepened around his mouth and eyes. He had been both pragmatic and flexible, but now he was in the grip of his intense desire for power.

  Not far from her parents’ home, the Shirakawa flowed through vast limestone caves where the water had formed pillars and statues. As a child she was taken there every year to worship the goddess who lived within one of these pillars under the mountain. The statue had a fluid, living shape, as though the spirit that dwelt within were trying to break out from beneath the covering of lime. She thought of that stone covering now. Was power a limy river calcifying those who dared to swim in it?

  Arai’s physical size and strength made her quail inwardly, reminding her of that moment of helplessness in Iida’s arms, of the strength of men who could force women in any way they wanted. Never let them use that strength, came the thought, and then: Always be armed. A taste came into her mouth, as sweet as persimmon, as strong as blood: the knowledge and taste of power. Was this what drove men to clash endlessly with each other, to enslave and destroy each other? Why should a woman not have that too?

  She stared at the places on Arai’s body where the needle and the knife had pierced Iida, had opened him up to the world he’d tried to dominate and let his life’s blood leak away. I must never forget it, she told herself. Men also can be killed by women. I killed the most powerful warlord in the Three Countries.

  All her upbringing had taught her to defer to men, to submit to their will and their greater intelligence. Her heart was beating so strongly, she thought she might faint. She breathed deeply, using the skills Shizuka had taught her, and felt the blood settle in her veins.

  “Lord Arai, tomorrow I will leave for Shirakawa. I would be very grateful if you will provide men to escort me home.”

  “I would prefer you to stay in the East,” he said, slowly. “But that is not what I want to talk to you about first.” His eyes narrowed as he stared at her. “Otori’s disappearance: Can you shed any light on this extraordinary occurrence? I believe I have established my right to power. I was already in alliance with Shigeru. How can young Otori ignore all obligations to me and to his dead father? How can he disobey and walk away? And where has he gone? My men have been searching the district all day, as far as Yamagata. He’s completely vanished.”

  “I do not know where he is,” she replied.

  “I’m told he spoke to you last night before he left.”

  “Yes,” she said simply.

  “He must have explained to you at least—”

  “He was bound by other obligations.” Kaede felt sorrow build within her as she spoke. “He did not intend to insult you.” Indeed, she could not remember Takeo mentioning Arai to her, but she did not say this.

  “Obligations to the so-called Tribe?” Arai had been controlling his anger, but now it burst fresh into his voice, into his eyes. He moved his head slightly, and she guessed he was looking past her to where Shizuka knelt in the shadows on the veranda. “What do you know of them?”

  “Very little,” she replied. “It was with their help that Lord Takeo climbed into Inuyama. I suppose we are all in their debt in that respect.”

  Speaking Takeo’s name made her shiver. She recalled the feel of his body against hers, at that moment when they both expected to die. Her eyes darkened, her face softened. Arai was aware of it, without knowing the reason, and when he spoke again she heard something else in his voice besides rage.

  “Another marriage can be arranged for you. There are other young men of the Otori, cousins to Shigeru. I will send envoys to Hagi.”

  “I am in mourning for Lord Shigeru,” she replied. “I cannot consider marriage to anyone. I will go home and recover from my grief.” Will anyone ever want to marry me, knowing my reputation, she wondered, and could not help following with the thought: Takeo did not die. She had thought Arai would argue further, but after a moment he concurred.

  “Maybe it’s best that you go to your parents. I will send for you when I return to Inuyama. We will discuss your marriage then.”

  “Will you make Inuyama your capital?”

  “Yes. I intend to rebuild the castle.” In the flickering light his face was set and brooding. Kaede said nothing. He spoke again abruptly. “But to return to the Tribe: I had not realized how strong their influence must be. To make Takeo walk away from such a marriage, such an inheritance, and then to conceal him completely . . . to tell you the truth, I had no idea what I was dealing with.” He glanced again toward Shizuka.

  He will kill her, she thought. It’s more than just anger at Takeo’s disobedience: His self-esteem has been deeply wounded too. He must suspect Shizuka has been spying on him for years. She wondered what happened to the love and desire that had existed between them. Had it all dissolv
ed overnight? Did the years of service, the trust, and loyalty all come to nothing?

  “I shall make it my business to find out about them,” he went on, almost as if he were speaking to himself. “There must be people who know, who will talk. I cannot let such an organization exist. They will undermine my power as the white ant chews through wood.”

  Kaede said, “I believe it was you who sent Muto Shizuka to me, to protect me. I owe my life to that protection. And I believe I kept faith with you in Noguchi Castle. Strong bonds exist between us and they shall be unbroken. Whoever I marry will swear allegiance to you. Shizuka will remain in my service and will come with me to my parents’ home.”

  He looked at her then, and again she met his gaze with ice in her eyes. “It’s barely thirteen months since I killed a man for your sake,” he said. “You were hardly more than a child. You have changed. . . .”

  “I have been made to grow up,” she replied. She made an effort not to think of her borrowed robe, her complete lack of possessions. I am the heir to a great domain, she told herself. She continued to hold his eyes until he reluctantly inclined his head.

  “Very well. I will send men with you to Shirakawa, and you may take the Muto woman.”

  “Lord Arai.” Only then did she drop her eyes and bow.

  Arai called to Niwa to make arrangements for the following day, and Kaede bade him good night, speaking with great deference. She felt she had come out of the encounter well; she could afford to pretend that all power lay on his side.

  She returned to the women’s rooms with Shizuka, both of them silent. The old woman had already spread out the beds, and now she brought sleeping garments for them before helping Shizuka undress Kaede. Wishing them good night, she retired to the adjoining room.

  Shizuka’s face was pale and her demeanor more subdued than Kaede had ever known it. She touched Kaede’s hand and whispered, “Thank you,” but said nothing else. When they were both lying beneath the cotton quilts, as mosquitoes whined around their heads and moths fluttered against the lamps, Kaede could feel the other woman’s body rigid next to hers, and knew Shizuka was struggling with grief. Yet, she did not cry.

  Kaede reached out and put her arms around Shizuka, holding her closely without speaking. She shared the same deep sorrow but no tears came to her eyes. She would allow nothing to weaken the power that was coming to life within her.

  ·2·

  The next morning palanquins and an escort had been prepared for the women. They left as soon as the sun was up. Remembering the advice of her kinswoman Lady Maruyama, Kaede stepped delicately into the palanquin as though she were as frail and powerless as most women, but she made sure the grooms brought Takeo’s horse from the stable and, once they were on the road, she opened the waxed paper curtains so she could look out.

  The swaying movement was intolerable to her, and even being able to see did not prevent sickness from coming over her. At the first rest stop, at Yamagata, she was so dizzy she could hardly walk. She could not bear to look at food, and when she drank a little tea it made her vomit immediately. Her body’s weakness infuriated her, seeming to undermine her newly discovered feeling of power. Shizuka led her to a small room in the rest house, bathed her face with cold water, and made her lie down for a while. The sickness passed as quickly as it had come, and she was able to drink some red-bean soup and a bowl of tea.

  The sight of the black palanquin, however, made her feel queasy again. “Bring me the horse,” she said. “I will ride.”

  The groom lifted her onto Raku’s back, and Shizuka mounted nimbly behind her, and so they rode for the rest of the morning, saying little, each wrapped in her own thoughts but taking comfort from the other’s closeness.

  After they left Yamagata the road began to climb steeply. In places it was stepped with huge, flat stones. There were already signs of autumn, though the sky was clear blue and the air warm. Beech, sumac, and maple were beginning to turn gold and vermilion. Strings of wild geese flew high above them. The forest deepened, still and airless. The horse walked delicately, its head low as it picked its way up the steps. The men were alert and uneasy. Since the overthrow of Iida and the Tohan, the countryside was filled with masterless men of all ranks who resorted to banditry rather than swear new allegiances.

  The horse was strong and fit. Despite the heat and the climb, its coat was hardly darkened with sweat when they stopped again at a small rest house at the top of the pass. It was a little past midday. The horses were led away to be fed and watered, the men retired to the shade trees around the well, and an old woman spread mattresses on the floor of a matted room so Kaede might rest for an hour or two.

  Kaede lay down, thankful to be able to stretch out. The light in the room was dim and green. Huge cedars shut out most of the glare. In the distance she could hear the cool trickle of the spring, and voices; the men talking quietly, occasionally a ripple of laughter, Shizuka chatting to someone in the kitchen. At first Shizuka’s voice was bright and gossipy, and Kaede was glad that she seemed to be recovering her spirits, but then it went low, and the person to whom she was speaking responded in the same vein. Kaede could no longer make out anything they said.

  After a while the conversation ceased. Shizuka came quietly into the room and lay down next to Kaede.

  “Who were you talking to?”

  Shizuka turned her head so she could speak directly into Kaede’s ear. “A cousin of mine works here.”

  “You have cousins everywhere.”

  “That’s how it is with the Tribe.”

  Kaede was silent for a moment. Then she said, “Don’t other people suspect who you are and want to . . .”

  “Want to what?”

  “Well, get rid of you.”

  Shizuka laughed. “No one dares. We have infinitely more ways of getting rid of them. And no one ever knows anything about us for sure. They have their suspicions. But you may have noticed, both my uncle Kenji and I can appear in many different guises. The Tribe are hard to recognize, in addition to possessing many other arts.”

  “Will you tell me more about them?” Kaede was fascinated by this world that lay in the shadows of the world she knew.

  “I can tell you a little. Not everything. Later, when we cannot be overheard.”

  From outside a crow called harshly.

  Shizuka said, “I learned two things from my cousin. One is that Takeo has not left Yamagata. Arai has search parties out and guards on the highway. They will be concealing him within the town.”

  The crow cried again. Aah! Aah!

  I might have passed his hiding place today, Kaede thought. After a long moment she said, “What was the second thing?”

  “An accident may occur on the road.”

  “What sort of accident?”

  “To me. It seems Arai does want to get rid of me, as you put it. But it is planned to look like an accident, a brigand attack, something like that. He cannot bear that I should live, but he does not wish to offend you outright.”

  “You must leave.” Kaede’s voice rose with urgency. “As long as you are with me, he knows where to find you.”

  “Shush,” Shizuka warned. “I’m only telling you so you won’t do anything foolish.”

  “What would be foolish?”

  “To use your knife, to try to defend me.”

  “I would do that,” Kaede said.

  “I know. But you must keep your boldness and those skills hidden. Someone is traveling with us who will protect me. More than one probably. Leave the fighting to them.”

  “Who is it?”

  “If my lady can guess, I’ll give her a present!” Shizuka said lightly.

  “What happened to your broken heart?” Kaede asked, curious.

  “I mended it with rage,” Shizuka replied. Then she spoke more seriously. “I may never love a man as much again. But I have done nothing shameful. I am not the one who has acted with dishonor. Before, I was bound to him, a hostage to him. In cutting me off from him, he has set
me free.”

  “You should leave me,” Kaede said again.

  “How can I leave you now? You need me more than ever.”

  Kaede lay still. “Why more than ever now?”

  “Lady, you must know. Your bleeding is late, your face is softer, your hair thicker. The sickness, followed by hunger. . .” Shizuka’s voice was soft, filled with pity.

  Kaede’s heart began to race. The knowledge lay beneath her skin, but she could not bring herself to face it.

  “What will I do?”

  “Whose child is it? Not Iida’s?”

  “I killed Iida before he could rape me. If it’s true there is a child, it can only be Takeo’s.”

  “When?” Shizuka whispered.

  “The night Iida died. Takeo came to my room. We both expected to die.”

  Shizuka breathed out. “I sometimes think he is touched by madness.”

  “Not madness. Bewitchment, maybe,” Kaede said. “It’s as if we were both under a spell ever since we met in Tsuwano.”

  “Well, my uncle and I are partly to blame for that. We should never have brought you together.”

  “There was nothing you or anyone could have done to prevent it,” Kaede said. Despite herself, a quiet intimation of joy stirred within her.

  “If it were Iida’s child, I would know what to do,” Shizuka said. “I would not hesitate. There are things I can give you that will get rid of it. But Takeo’s child is my own kin, my own blood.”

  Kaede said nothing. The child may inherit Takeo’s gifts, she was thinking, those gifts that make him valuable. Everyone wanted to use him for some purpose of their own. But I love him for himself alone. I will never get rid of his child. And I will never let the Tribe take it from me. But would Shizuka try? Would she so betray me?

  She was silent for so long, Shizuka sat up to see if she had fallen asleep. But Kaede’s eyes were open, staring at the green light beyond the doorway.

  “How long will the sickness last?” Kaede said.

  “Not long. And you will not show for three or four months.”