Out of the Shade

by S. A. McAuley

  “That’s fair. Do you think you may be bi?”

  “That shit isn’t real,” Jesse dismissed without a thought.

  Lila pursed her lips and crossed her arms. “Thank you for informing me that my sexuality isn’t real.”

  “What?”

  “I’m bisexual, Jesse.”

  “No, you’re not,” Jesse scoffed. “If you were doing girls I’m sure your husband would be cool with it, but I definitely would’ve heard about it before now. It’s not like he’s the most discreet when it comes to your sex life.”

  “No shit. I’d give him props for discretion, but he’s probably tight-lipped about it because he tries—he really does—but he doesn’t fully get it either.”

  Jesse stared at her, flabbergasted. “You’re not joking.”

  Lila shook her head.

  “You’re bi?”

  Lila gave a world-weary sigh. “All right, Jesse. Here’s me coming out to you.” Jesse’s heart slammed against his chest. She was so casual saying those words, so sure of herself. “I’m attracted to men and women—almost exactly fifty percent each way, if you feel the need to quantify it. Some days I swing a little more in one direction, but those tend to be the days when your BFF is an asshole. Anyway, despite what people like to think, just because I’m bi doesn’t mean I have an overwhelming urge to fuck everyone I see. I only want to be with one person. And the current fuckface who knocked me up—that I happen to love the shit out of, but don’t tell him—is that one person for me.”

  “You’re bi?”

  “Jesus Christ, Jesse. I. Am. Bisexual,” Lila said, the volume of her voice amping up with her exasperation. Jesse’s face flamed as he caught the man at the table behind them staring, his jaw slack. Lila glanced over her shoulder. “Yep, now that guy knows too.”

  The stranger shrugged. “I’m cool with it.”

  “You can exit out of this conversation now.”

  Lila narrowed her eyes and the guy swiped up his coffee and fled for a table across the room.

  Lila leaned in, all her focus on Jesse. “Yes, I’m bi, but embracing that label was only the first step for me. It took me a long time to realize I wasn’t straight, and even longer to feel comfortable with what that really meant for my life. Labeling myself didn’t mean I had myself figured out. It still doesn’t.”

  Had that really just happened? He’d known Lila for twenty-one years, and he’d never even considered she was anything but straight. But maybe he hadn’t been putting in as much effort into understanding her as she had for him.

  Jesse sighed. “Is that why you don’t talk about it?”

  “I’m not proud of this, but the truth is—I don’t have to talk about it. I fell in love with Danny when I was a teenager and I’m married to him now, so everyone just assumes I’m straight.”

  “That’s….”

  “It’s not fair, I know. It’s a privilege I have that you wouldn’t have dating Chuck.”

  That statement hit Jesse like a punch to the gut. He stared into his coffee cup, unsure of how to respond.

  “You should eat something, Jesse,” Lila said gently, pushing his plate toward him.

  Jesse reluctantly picked up one of his sandwiches and took a bite.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  Jesse nodded and forced himself to swallow.

  “Is he the first guy you’ve ever been with?”

  Jesse shook his head.

  She considered him and leaned forward again. “You’re scared about how the boys would react, aren’t you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “My first instinct is to say fuck them—Danny and I got your back. My guess is Kam and Matt would too. But I know how much this entire group of guys means to you. Just don’t underestimate how much you mean to them, okay?”

  Jesse pushed that consideration away immediately. “You going to tell Danny about this?”

  “It’s none of his business, Sollie. Unless you want me to.”

  “Not yet.”

  “He’ll be cool with this. He loves you. He won’t give a shit who you’re bringing over to drink with us.”

  He picked at the edges of his sandwich. “They all won’t be so easy on me. I know you want to believe it, but it’s just not possible.”

  “I know. But the boys who really give a shit about you won’t give your sexuality, or Chuck, a second thought.”

  “Their first thought will be that this is a phase.”

  Lila shrugged. “Maybe. It’s not like I’ve been fair to any of the women you’ve brought around in the last couple years—I knew they were all replaceable. We all knew they were. But I get the feeling that if you’re bringing a guy around then they’re going to catch on that it’s not just a fling. I mean, it’s not just a fling, right?”

  Jesse sank into his chair, cradling his coffee cup and hoping to find some warmth to take away that chill that had settled in when he woke up alone this morning. “It may not matter how I feel about Chuck. I fucked things up last night. Typical Sollie style.”

  “How bad did it get?”

  That was the bitch of it. He didn’t remember. At least not all of it. He had vague snippets of the night—of doing shots, then drinking straight from a fifth of Jack Daniel’s. He remembered throwing shit at people ‘cause it made him laugh and wrestling with the boys when they egged him on. Then there was Rachel…. Jesse scrubbed at his face. He had no idea how he’d gotten home, but he’d definitely woken up alone.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Well, I know that Danny and Kam drove you home last night. Danny didn’t crawl into bed until almost four a.m., and he’s still sleeping the hangover off while my mom watches the kiddos.”

  Which meant Rachel definitely hadn’t been with him. Danny might have let that one fly, but Kam wouldn’t have. One worry to check off his list. Too bad it wasn’t the biggest thing he was worried about.

  “Jesse?” Lila said quietly, leaning closer to him. “What happened after I left?”

  “I happened. Jesus. I just remember Rachel—”

  Lila sucked in a breath. “Please tell me you didn’t sleep with her again.”

  Jesse shook his head. “I don’t think so. But I let her go way too far. I didn’t stop her, even when Chuck walked out. I remember that much. I remember thinking when she started flirting with me that she was harmless. It was weird to see her and not be attracted to her at all. Not anymore. And then….” Then she’d started touching him just like Chuck did, and he’d wanted that to be Chuck instead of her. He’d wished in that moment that he could just be…normal. “No one thinks twice about it when you and Danny hug each other, or when you kiss. Or even if he grabs your ass. It’s accepted, and it wouldn’t ever be like that for Chuck and me. I just don’t see that ever happening. While some people will be okay with it, there will always be people who look at us like we’re disgusting.”

  “Jesse—”

  “You know what the really fucked up part is? I think I would be disgusted to see it too. I don’t want to watch two guys making out. What the fuck does that say about me?

  “You don’t even watch gay porn?”

  He felt heat crawling up his cheeks. “That’s different. Being with Chuck is different.”

  “In a good way?”

  “I thought so. But maybe I’m just not ready for it. For him. Maybe it’s better that he walked out. Because I can’t be open about…any of it.”

  Lila sat back in her chair, shrugging. “Then that’s that.”

  He furrowed his eyebrows. “I don’t follow.”

  “That’s it, Jesse. There’s nothing to your relationship with Chuck if you can’t really be in a relationship with him. I take it things with Rachel didn’t end when you knew Chuck had walked out on you.”

  “That’s where it all gets foggy,” he admitted.

  “You sure you didn’t fuck her?”

  “I know I didn’t want to. But what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just tell her to get off me
because I’m in a relationship with a man!”

  “Yeah, Jesse. You could have.” Lila shook her head. “You still haven’t said if you regret it.”

  “I regret hurting Chuck. But I think maybe that part was inevitable.” He slid his plate across the table. “I can’t eat this.”

  “Call Kam. Find out just how far things went. If the answer to that matters at all to you. Chuck walking out last night gives you an easy out. If you want things to end here—don’t call him. I’m guessing he won’t be seeking you out. But that’s chickenshit, and we both know it. This guy means something to you. What it is exactly and where it’s going, you can’t know right now. But if you give in now then you’ll never find out.”

  “I think I need to give him some time.”

  She shrugged. “Spin it however you have to. You need to get your head straight—or more bisexually bent as the case may be—before you even think of fixing things with Chuck. I really hope I will see him again.”

  Me too. Jesse pushed back from the table and grabbed his coffee cup. “I’ll see you around.”

  “Come by again soon, okay?”

  “I will. After Christmas. Give all your boys hugs for me.”

  Jesse hugged Lila when she stood and headed back into the cold. He turned the key in the ignition and cranked up the heat, then stared at his cell phone. What the hell would he say to Chuck if he called him?

  A sudden ringing jolted him out of his head.

  Jesse picked up the call from Kam with a gruff hello.

  “Wassup?” Kam said.

  Jesse grunted in response.

  “Hungover?”

  “You know I am.”

  Kam was silent for a moment, then, “Feeling like an asshole?”

  “Bingo.”

  “You didn’t sleep with her.”

  “I don’t give a fuck.”

  “And yet you do. For good reason.”

  Jesse’s heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. “I shouldn’t give a fuck.”

  “Are you really going to make me repeat myself?”

  Jesse swallowed, trying to breathe and settle his churning stomach. “How did you know?”

  “I can’t say for sure.”

  “And?”

  “You hooking up with Chuck doesn’t change anything for me, Sollie. But when my supposed best friend acts like a complete and utter fuckwad in my home, that can change things.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m not the one you should be apologizing to.”

  “Tell Brittany—”

  “Not her either. Listen, I’m going to bring this up exactly one last time. Get treatment, Jesse. While you still have something to hold on to. You’ve been slowly self-destructing for years now.” Kam’s voice caught. “I really don’t want to bury another brother.”

  Jesse sagged into his seat. “That’s low, Kam.”

  “Fuck. You.”

  Jesse nodded as he stared out the window. “I deserve that.”

  Kam sighed on the other end of the line. “Listen, the boys are getting together the day after Christmas since most of us have the day off. You come out with us and I won’t drink. I’ll take whatever shit they want to hand out. Come out with us, but only if you’re not going to drink either.”

  “There are conditions to our friendship now?”

  “Yep. I won’t be a part of you killing yourself. It’s your choice. Pretty easy one as far as I’m concerned.”

  Jesse clamped his eyes shut. “You’re sure I didn’t have sex with her?”

  “I’m sure. And you’re welcome.”

  “I’d ask for you to keep this under wraps, but I’m pretty sure Chuck’s done with me.”

  “I don’t blame him. You’ve still got us, Sollie. Don’t fuck that up.”

  Jesse really hoped he wouldn’t. “I’m really sorry, Kam.”

  “Just take care of yourself. And Merry Christmas if I don’t talk to you before then.”

  Jesse inhaled deeply to stave off the bile building in his throat. Kam knew it all and all he cared about was that Jesse was okay. “Merry Christmas to you and the family.”

  11

  It should’ve been the perfect Christmas Eve. Jesse wanted it to be.

  He had one more unwrapped gift that he stared at blankly—likely another hideous Christmas sweater knitted by his mom, in a tradition that had always brought a smile to his face. Except it wouldn’t this time.

  Three bottles of top-shelf whiskey sat next to that package. And a Netflix gift card for the nights he spent on the road, supposedly alone.

  His parents were perpetuating his lies, and they didn’t even know it—reflecting back the pieces of himself he’d shown to them. A façade built mirror by mirror, surrounding him, suffocating him, and piled so high they blotted out the sun.

  He couldn’t get Kam’s voice out of his head, or the fact that Kam had been wrong—he wasn’t self-destructing.

  He was so lost that he didn’t even know where to find the button.

  “Go on. Open it!” his mother, Laura, said brightly.

  He forced a smile and felt the edges of it cracking, like tears spider webbing through glass, until he was sure he was going to shatter in this very spot.

  His mom studied him. Her glowing smile fading as she took in Jesse’s reaction. Next to her, his dad gripped her hand and sat back in his chair, a frown marring his face.

  “Something wrong?” his mom asked.

  Everything, he wanted to reply.

  “No,” he said, gathering the last bits of his strength. The night was almost done and he could go home. No longer under the scrutiny of parents who had the perfect life. The life he so desperately wanted.

  He ran his fingertips over the sweater. “It’s perfectly awful.” He forced a laugh and another tremor rolled through him. The truth hurt more than a lie.

  “You want something to drink?” his dad asked, getting up from his chair and heading for the kitchen.

  Jesse shook his head.

  His mom rose from her chair and sat on the floor next to him. She tucked a length of his hair behind his ear with the same affection as she’d done since he was a kid. She’d given him the perfect upbringing and nothing but unconditional love and support. He didn’t deserve her love or the care with which she touched him now.

  Jesse wished he could be better for her.

  “What’s going on, Jesse?” she whispered.

  He wanted to tell her everything, but he couldn’t find the words. His parents knew so little of who he was or what he’d become—the string of one-night stands, using alcohol to cover up his anger, frustration, and hopelessness, or how he slid into dark thoughts the morning after a binge, every single time.

  He’d never let them get close enough to know.

  “Just tired,” he answered. So fucking tired.

  “Why don’t you stay here tonight? We haven’t done a real Christmas morning in years. You can call Emily and see if she wants to come by.”

  “I already have plans for tomorrow.” Even though he didn’t, not anymore.

  His mom’s eyes lit up with a hope he didn’t want to crush. “Who is she?”

  He, he wanted to correct, but he didn’t.

  “Knock it off, Mom.”

  “If there’s someone special, darling—someone you want to bring here—I promise I’ll be on my best behavior.”

  “I know you would. There’s no one. I just have plans.”

  She sat back on her heels. “Okay then. You’d tell me if something was wrong.”

  It wasn’t a question, but Jesse could hear the doubt in her voice.

  She clasped his hand. She was so strong and so sure of him. So positive that nothing could ever break her. But he couldn’t be that sure. There were things she wanted from life—safety, security, a house full of love—and the truth of Jesse’s life would only make her hurt.

  He’d already told her so many lies, what was another one?

  “Yeah, Mom,”
he dismissed. “Now open some more presents. And tell dad to get back in here. I know the only reason he left was so you could interrogate me in private. You hear that, old man? I know you’re listening.”

  Jesse’s dad peeked around the corner. “You always did have instincts like a fox.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense.”

  Silas frowned. “Just make your mother happy, please. It’s Christmas Eve.”

  Jesse leaned over and gave his mother a kiss on the cheek. “I love the sweater, Mom.”

  “And I made a matching one for Precious!” she squealed as she set a package in his hands.

  Jesse gave in. “Dust off my comforter. I’ll spend the night.”

  At least this way he wouldn’t be alone.

  Chuck glanced over his shoulder at the short blond man buying their movie tickets and shook his head in disbelief. At least the concession line was short since most people were at home celebrating like Mr. Normal Fucking Rockwell.

  He couldn’t believe he was spending yet another Christmas with Ben. When he’d dated Ben years ago, they’d spent Christmas at the movie theatre since Ben was Jewish, a non-practicing one at that, and Chuck’s parents’ idea of a successful holiday meant handing over their credit card for the day.

  “Want to tell me why you’re spending Christmas Jewish style?”

  Chuck passed the gigantic plastic cup of Coke with a cartoon character on the side to Ben. “I haven’t seen any Tom Hiddleston movies lately?”

  “Try again.”

  Chuck lifted his extra large tub of popcorn. “Melty orange butter?”

  Ben cocked an eyebrow.

  Chuck cracked his neck. Might as well go for broke. He had already resorted to calling an ex on the biggest holiday of the year. What the hell else did he have to lose? Pride? That had been decimated a week ago. “I was planning on being at my boyfriend’s place today.”

  “So why aren’t you?”

  “We broke up. In a way. I haven’t heard from him in a week.”

  “Ah, so you were ghosted—the ‘apparently modern technology doesn’t exist’ break up.”

  “Not exactly.”

  “Then how is it exactly?”

  “He’s not out.”

  Ben cringed. “Ouch.”