When the Kensington boys finally emerged, Kam led them into the main room, Matt’s hand on his shoulder as he whispered something in Kam’s ear that Kam nodded in response to. Kam’s beard looked grayer than it had even hours ago. Ryan was next—a sneer on his face and his jaw clenched as he broke away from the group to stand at the back of the room. Danny was at Jesse’s side, almost as if he was escorting him, shielding him, despite Danny being almost half the size that Jesse was.
Jesse was just as quiet as the kids. Just as stone-faced. And Chuck got the feeling that Jesse’s internal battle with himself was raging out of control right now. Jesse took a seat behind Miguel, patting his shoulder as he sat down, and Danny came to stand next to Chuck.
Chuck’s curiosity got the better of him, and he leaned over to talk to Danny. “What are all of you doing here?”
Danny shrugged. “This is what Kensington boys do. One of us hurts, we all do.”
Chuck sucked in a breath, crossed his arms, and tried to find a comfortable stance. If he’d had friends like this when he was younger, then his life would’ve been very different.
“I need you all to come in close so you can hear me,” Kam called out, then waited for everyone to move around so they were tightly packed into the corner. Kam looked to Jordie for confirmation that they were ready and Jordie nodded. “I know you’ve all heard the news by now about Ashton. He’s still in intensive care, but he’s woken up and is talking. They’re going to do more tests, but as of right now it looks like he’s going to make it out of this okay. You’ve probably also heard the rumors about what happened. We’re not going to sugarcoat this—Ash tried to kill himself. There was an incident yesterday where someone spray-painted his front door with the word ‘fag.’ We—me, all of the coaches, and Mr. Dunn—want to definitively state that discrimination or hate of any kind won’t be tolerated here. If any of you have a problem with that you can walk out now.”
Kam stood tall, his hands on his hips as he waited. Jesse hung his head and scrubbed his hands over his hair. Danny shifted nervously on his feet next to Chuck. The silence dragged on and the kids all looked to each other or to their parents, then Miguel started to get to his feet.
Jesse flinched and Chuck’s stomach dropped.
Miguel looked around the room, toying with the tape around his knuckles. “Excuse my language, but hell no, Coach. We stood with Ash yesterday when he told us he was gay and we stand with him still today. We’re just as wrecked about this as you are.”
The other kids nodded.
When Miguel sat down again, another one of the kids piped in, “I don’t care if Ash wants to suck dick, it just leaves more chicks for me.” The kid’s mom—Chuck had to assume—immediately cuffed the kid on the back of the head.
There was a smattering of nervous laughter and Chuck cringed. It was the right sentiment, in a teenage boy kind of way, but more dismissive than helpful.
Jesse stepped up and settled his hand on Kam’s shoulder. “You mind if I say something?”
Chuck’s ears perked up.
Kam dipped his chin down and gave Jesse a hard look. “You sure about this?”
Jesse clapped his best friend on the back. “Yeah. I am.”
He dragged over a chair to the front of the group and sat down with a huff, setting his elbows on his knees and leaning forward. One of the cameramen shifted position and Jesse glanced at the intrusion, shifting in his seat. He took a deep breath, then focused on the kid who’d spoken. “I appreciate your openness, although it’s unnecessarily graphic, but you’re missing something here. Let me ask you something. You ever worry about getting a beat down if you hold a girl’s hand in public? And I’m not talking about from her daddy or some ex-boyfriend. From a stranger. You ever worry about being judged by someone you don’t know at all because you want to kiss your girlfriend while walking down the street?”
The kid frowned. “No, sir.”
Jesse sat back, setting his hands on his knees, his features going hard. “Ash is going to have to worry about that. Along with the fact that he may have a harder time getting a job because he’s out. Or his family and friends will turn their backs on him when they find out. In this state, he can be fired for being gay and he can be denied housing. It’s not fair, but he doesn’t have the same rights as his straight counterparts. The prejudice all of you live with every day because of the color of your skin or your economic status isn’t fair either, but Ash has to deal with that prejudice plus another level. It….” Jesse took another deep breath. “It’s a weight that can feel impossible to carry. So I appreciate you trying to bring some levity to this situation, but try to think about what Ash is facing. He’s not going to be okay when he starts training again. He’s got a lot to figure out, and he will need us to have his back. Believe me.”
“How do you know?” Miguel called out. “Maybe Mr. Dunn should be the one giving us this speech.”
Jesse scanned the room, his eyes falling on each of the Kensington boys, then the students in front of him. He pulled his chair closer to the kids, the legs screeching on the concrete floor, and exhaled with an audible huff.
The cameraman drew in closer to Jesse, but Jesse seemed to have forgotten he was there at all. Jesse set his elbows on his knees again and leaned forward. “I know because I’m bisexual.”
Chuck’s heart sped frantically in his chest. Had Jesse really just come out to a room full of his students, his best friends, and cameras pointed unerringly in his direction? Jesse didn’t look at them, though; he kept his focus on the kids. Chuck wasn’t sure if he was gathering his strength or waiting to see what kind of fallout would hit.
The room was silent. Waiting. None of the boys moved at his confession, as if they were collectively holding their breath.
Jesse shook his head and his lips tipped down, matching the sadness in his eyes. “I’ve known what it’s like to love both a woman and a man. It’s taken me a long time to be able to say that out loud. Longer to admit it to myself and be okay with it. I’m thirty-three years old and I’m just getting there. Ash needs us right now. He needs all of us to tell him it’s okay. That he is okay—no, that he is accepted—just the way he is.”
Chuck rocked back on his heels at Jesse’s mention of loving a man. He’d known Jesse was going to say that to him at one point, but to hear it in this context, in this place where their past was still a secret, rocked Chuck to the core. His chest tightened as he took in the full impact of Jesse’s decision to come out at exactly this moment.
Jesse scratched at the stubble on his chin. “I grew up very different from some of you. I had a stable home in a safe neighborhood with two parents who had solid jobs that paid good money. I never wanted for anything, and I took that for granted. We’re all born into a fight, though. What that fight is and how it unfolds is different for each of us. I’m proud of who I am. Finally. But I was just as broken as Ash not that long ago, and I made it through because my brothers helped me believe I could. All these unfamiliar faces you see around the room? These are my and Coach Kam’s brothers. Not by blood, but by heart. And that’s what you all are to Ash. It’s a lonely road he’s traveling right now. A big fight, maybe the biggest of his life, and Ash’s time almost ended today because he didn’t think things could get better. We owe him our strength. Because when one of us bleeds, all of us hurt.”
Next to Chuck, Danny’s eyes were filling as he nodded.
Jordie’s crew moved silently around the room, taking in the kids nodding, hands balled into fists that had always been prepared to fight but were now on the offensive instead of the defensive.
Jesse looked to Kam. “You got anything else you want to say, Coach?”
Kam cleared his throat and squeezed Jesse’s shoulder. “I think you covered it.” He raised his voice. “All right, boys. Today isn’t like any other day. I need you to work harder today. To show your love for Ash in every drop of sweat you earn. Let’s get the gloves on. It’s time to show the world what it means to
have the soul of a Warrior.”
The line was overly dramatic—the stuff Hollywood endings were made of—and completely effective. The kids jumped to their feet and embraced Jesse one by one, excited chattering following in their wake as they gathered around, arms slung around backs and waists, huddled in as they gained strength from each other.
Jesse didn’t feel lighter because of having said the word bisexual out loud. He was scared about what the fallout he couldn’t anticipate would be. The kids and the parents in the gym had been outwardly supportive of him, but he instinctively knew that part of that was because of the circumstances, and that with time and distance it was possible that not all of them would really be okay with an out bisexual man training with a group of kids.
There was no taking it back now, though, and that part Jesse was good with. Just as he’d told the Kensington boys in Kam’s office, this was his truth and it was time to live it. Most of them had been supportive, but Ryan’s contempt, his anger, had blown any idea of solidarity out of the water. He didn’t know what kind of repercussions there would be in their group because of this. He didn’t know where Ryan’s anger came from beside the little Ryan had said to him.
You lied to me. To all of us.
This just isn’t right.
It was that second statement that had cut Jesse to the core. It was so vague and easily misunderstood. Or maybe, too understandable.
Ryan thought Jesse wasn’t right.
Not normal.
It was everything Jesse had thought about himself for too many years, and to hear that echoed back to him from one of his oldest friends set his doubts spiraling out of control. There were eleven other men in that office, all of whom had accepted Jesse’s proclamation with unconditional love. But it was that one outlier that frightened him the most. That cut at him the most. He didn’t know if any of the others felt the same way, but just wouldn’t say it out loud.
“You should go home, Sollie,” Kam said to him. “It’s been a long day. We’ve got you covered here.”
Jesse just shook his head.
“Jesse,” Kam insisted. “Go home. Your head isn’t in the game right now and that’s okay.”
“I don’t want it to look like I’m running away.”
“You aren’t running away—you’re taking care of yourself. We’ve only got an hour left before the gym closes. Take off now. Go home, go on a drive, call your therapist…. Take some time to get your head a bit clearer and show up tomorrow. We’ll all be here.”
“I can’t get Ryan out of my head.”
Kam clenched his jaw. “We’ll deal with that later.”
“I don’t get it. Shouldn’t I be happy at the very least? That was the whole fucking point of not hiding anymore, but…. I don’t know how I should be feeling.”
“Why don’t you talk to Chuck?”
Jesse cringed. He hadn’t even been able to make eye contact with Chuck since this afternoon. He’d admitted out loud that he was in love with Chuck—he knew there was no other way he could duck out of what he’d said and pretend as if there had been anyone else. It was and always had been Chuck. He didn’t regret what he’d said because it was honest, but how the hell could he face Chuck now?
“No way.”
“Jesse. Chuck has been through this and he knows other people who’ve been through this. Despite what happened between the two of you, you’ve started to become friends again. I can’t help you with this the same way he can, Sollie. I support you one hundred percent, but I can’t come close to understanding what you’re going through right now. You need a friend who does.”
“That’s the thing, Kam.” Jesse gritted his teeth. “I can’t be friends with him. I’m fucking in love with him!”
Kam searched Jesse’s face, a wide grin breaking out on his face as he laughed. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”
Jesse gaped. “What the fuck is there to possibly laugh about here?”
“Sol. Go talk to Chuck. Trust me.”
Jesse narrowed his eyes. “Why?”
“Why trust me? How about almost thirty years of me having your back. Or why go talk to Chuck? I think you already know the answer to that.”
No. Kam couldn’t be saying what Jesse thought he was. “I’ve gotten nothing from him.”
“That doesn’t mean it’s not there.”
“What? Has he—”
Kam held up his hand. “We all got a painful wakeup today, Sollie. You made a huge jump today too. I know it’s a lot and probably feels like you can’t add anything more, but maybe that happiness you’ve been looking for isn’t that far off. You know what, fuck this. Hey, Chuckie,” Kam called out across the gym.
Chuck’s head snapped up. He caught eyes with Kam who waved him over, then his glance darted to Jesse for a beat. He frowned and stood.
“Not a good sign, Kam,” Jesse said.
As Chuck drew closer, playing with the strap of his camera and refusing to meet Jesse’s eyes even though Jesse was standing directly next to Kam, Jesse couldn’t take it anymore.
“Sorry, Kam. Can’t do it. I gotta get out of here.”
He turned on his heel and walked out, unable to look back.
25
Jesse focused on his breathing as he made the drive back to his house, gripping the steering wheel tight. He tried to conjure Liz’s voice in his head, telling him to take time to acknowledge each small success, and not to punish himself when he had setbacks, but Ryan’s reaction and his inability to talk to Chuck felt like more than minor setbacks.
Fuck. Why was he still afraid?
He shut down that line of thought before it could spiral out of control—and possibly send him spiraling into a tree or ditch—and hit the button on his phone to call Emily.
“Jesse. How’s that kid from the club doing?”
“Good. The doctors seem to think he’ll make a full recovery.”
“That’s great.”
It was great. Jesse took a deep breath, his anxiety ticking down a notch as he reoriented his perspective. “You home?”
“No, why?”
“Today’s been tough, but not just because of that. I came out today to all the Kensington boys. And the club. In front of a shitload of ESPN cameras.”
“Holy shit.”
A nervous laugh bubbled out of Jesse’s throat. “Yeah. I’m somewhat head-fucked at present.”
“How were the boys?”
“Solid,” he answered. “Except for Ryan.”
“Shit. I’m sorry.”
Jesse shook his head. “I knew it wouldn’t be perfect, but it all went better than I thought it would.”
“I gotta tell you, Jesse, I’m really tempted to say ‘Fuck Ryan’ because seriously, fuck him. But I know that has to hurt.”
Jesse clenched his jaw. His sister would hear his response in his silence.
“Was Chuck there too?”
Jesse cleared his throat. “Yeah.”
“And?”
“I bailed before I had to talk to him.”
“Oh, Jesse. Do you need me to come home?”
“No. I need the space right now. Nothing against you, sis.”
“I get it. I was thinking about heading out tonight anyway, so take as much time as you need. If you need me to vacate for the whole night, then I’ll crash at a friend’s.”
“Thanks for offering, but it will be good to have you home tonight.”
“I’ll see you later then. Love you, bro.”
“Love you, too.”
Jesse pulled his car into the driveway and trudged up the porch steps. He unlocked the door and let Precious out, taking a moment to stand in the sun as he closed his eyes and just…breathed.
The sound of a car door slamming had him opening his eyes and looking around, then Precious was bounding across the yard and crashing into Chuck before he could fully exit his truck.
Jesse grimaced at first, then tried to find some arrangement of his facial features that wouldn’t display how
uncomfortable he was. No, vulnerable.
He was too fucking vulnerable to be around Chuck right now.
“I know you probably don’t want me here, Sollie,” Chuck said without looking up, scratching behind Precious’ ear. “But we don’t have to talk.”
“What did Kam say to you?”
“Kam didn’t tell me anything usable—that man keeps secrets like he’s a vault—but I could tell this afternoon was tough on you. I’ve been there, and I was alone in the aftermath. I guess”—Chuck shrugged self-consciously—“I just didn’t want you to be alone.”
Jesse’s heart squeezed. Despite what he’d said to Em, maybe he didn’t want to be alone either. “How about Mario Kart instead?”
Chuck met Jesse’s eyes, a smile ticking up the corners of his mouth. “Yeah. I think I can handle smoking your ass in Mario.”
“Come on in.”
“Come on, Precious.” Chuck stood and coaxed the husky up the stairs. Inside, he unzipped his hoodie and tossed it on the arm of the couch as he faced Jesse. “You want something to eat? I can call an order into that Thai place you like.”
Jesse shook his head in disbelief. Chuck was making himself at home, agreeing to play Jesse’s favorite video game, and offering to order his favorite food. Chuck had loved on his dog and his dog had loved him back just as much. Shit, Chuck had shown up here simply because he didn’t want Jesse to be alone.
He couldn’t be friends with Chuck. He wanted so much more.
He wanted it all.
“Is it okay for me to be here, Jesse?”
Chuck’s voice cut through the static in his brain. Chuck’s head was tipped to the side, forehead creased in worry as he studied Jesse.
Jesse’s blood thundered through his ears and all he could do was nod. It was more than okay that Chuck was here—it was perfect. It was exactly what he wanted every day for as long as Chuck would have him. But he didn’t know if Chuck wanted him at all, and that possibility…hurt.
Out of the Shade Page 28