“Jesse,” Chuck said in a quiet voice, taking a step closer. “You don’t have to hide anything from me. I get it. You’re scared and unsure of what happens next. But you don’t have to be scared with me.”
“I know.”
Chuck frowned. “But that doesn’t make it any better.”
“It—” Jesse inhaled deeply. He had to look away. “You make everything in my life better, and I can’t believe I fucked that up.”
“Jesse. Look at me.”
Jesse ground his teeth together and shook his head.
He didn’t want to see what he would find there. He couldn’t bear to know that all possibility with Chuck was closed off. He’d smashed his self-imposed prison to pieces, and Chuck was the fucking sun shining down on him now. But it was possible that Chuck was just as unattainable as the sun. Just as untouchable.
Then Chuck was standing next to him, his fingers trailing down the line of Jesse’s jaw softly, his breath an even, calming brush against Jesse’s cheek and his touch just as hot and bright as it had been the first time, and Jesse soaked it all in. He closed his eyes but couldn’t control the tears that started to fall. He was still broken, still not worthy of this man who had only showed him kindness.
Chuck brought both his hands to Jesse’s jaw, held them there, and Jesse didn’t dare open his eyes. He knew Chuck was studying him, searching for something that was closer but not quite there yet.
Chuck wiped away the tears on Jesse’s cheeks with his thumbs. “Please look at me.”
Jesse inhaled a shuddering breath and opened his eyes.
Chuck’s clear, hazel eyes bored into him. “There you are. Fuck. I’ve missed you.”
“Chuck—”
“I want to kiss you. Can I?”
Jesse sucked in a ragged breath. “I don’t know why you’d want to.”
“Can I?”
Jesse gave an almost imperceptible nod and Chuck leaned forward, brushing his lips against Jesse’s in a soft exploration that weakened Jesse’s knees. Jesse set his hands on Chuck’s hips, tightened his grip, and pulled him closer. Chuck moved with him willingly, deepening the kiss, parting his lips and nipping his teeth along Jesse’s bottom lip. Jesse clamped his eyes shut again, tilted his head and opened for Chuck. He moved against Chuck, needed to feel him close, to believe he was here because he wanted to be, not out pity or some sense of duty.
Chuck didn’t make him question that for long. He kept his hands locked below Jesse’s jaw, fingers digging in and holding Jesse tight as he licked at Jesse’s lips. Jesse moaned, couldn’t have held it back even if he’d wanted to. Chuck was everything to him, everything he wanted in life, and this simple act was all it took for him to understand he’d never want anything else—and that maybe, maybe, Chuck wanted the same thing.
Kissing Chuck, really kissing him, was like a summer road trip in a sports car—freedom and heat and the rumble of power under your body. But unlike a finely tuned automobile, Jesse didn’t know how to control this, didn’t want to.
He crushed himself against Chuck’s body, wrapping him up tight. He opened for Chuck, felt the warm caress of Chuck’s tongue against his and couldn’t wrap himself thoroughly enough around Chuck. The longer they kissed, the more it tipped from sweet to out of control, the more Jesse’s body reacted—and he could feel Chuck against his hip getting just as hard. Chuck palmed Jesse’s cock and Jesse moaned into Chuck’s mouth, hips languidly rolling with the movement of Chuck’s hand. Jesse’s breathing came harder, more frantic.
He was on the verge of losing himself in the bliss of having Chuck’s hands on him again, and he wanted to as long as Chuck would have him….
But he couldn’t yet.
“Fuck,” Jesse dragged out between kisses. “I gotta stop.”
Jesse bit at Chuck’s bottom lip, sucked it in and slowly let it back out, and Chuck dove back in, devouring Jesse this time. Jesse’s body slipped effortlessly into the familiarity of Chuck’s touch, but his mind rebelled. They couldn’t just fall into bed together again.
“I’m stopping.” He looked at Chuck for only a second then crushed his lips against Chuck’s one more time before he pulled back again. “Shit. Okay. Now I’m stopping.”
Chuck swiped at his lips, a smile tugging at the corners that was wiped away as soon as he really looked at Jesse. He stumbled away and stalked across the room. “I’m sorry, Jesse. I shouldn’t have pushed that on you. I know you’ve been trying to make this friends thing work and today of all days— Fuck. I want you in my life, however you’ll have me, and I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fuck that up.”
Jesse’s heartbeat sped. “I do want us to be friends again….” A pained look slashed across Chuck’s face and he took another step back. “But I don’t want to fuck this up again either, because I want more.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yeah, Chuck. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”
“I hear a ‘but’ in that sentence.”
“But you’re right that now isn’t a good time. There are some…things I need to accomplish before we even think about getting back together. Things for me.”
Chuck scrubbed his hands through his hair, yanking at the dark strands. “You want to let me in on what those are?”
Chuck’s flash of frustration wasn’t a surprise to Jesse. He’d never lied to Chuck, but he’d kept a hell of a lot of things hidden from him. And now….
He didn’t just owe Chuck complete honesty, he wanted to give it to him.
“I’m getting better, and I’m learning, but I’m not…whole enough yet and I haven’t been honest with everyone in my life yet. Losing myself in you would be too easy, just like it was at the beginning. I need to be okay with myself before I can be with anyone else. Especially you, Chuck.”
“Fucking hell, Jesse,” Chuck groaned. “I want to kiss you again.”
Jesse huffed out a laugh. “Believe me. I want you to.”
“Yeah. Okay. I think I should probably go then.”
“That would probably be better right now.”
Chuck swiped up his hoodie and shrugged it on. He paused with his hand on the doorknob and turned to face Jesse. “Lila told me you got a spot in the Brighton marathon.”
“She did, huh?”
“Maybe I’ll see you there?”
“I hope so.”
“I’ll see you soon, Precious,” Chuck said, leaning over to scratch behind the dog’s ears. “You too, okay, Sollie?”
Jesse grinned, hope firmly planted in his chest now. “Definitely.”
Jesse stood at the back of the exhibition space and surveyed the crowd. There were only so many coaches who were allowed to be involved in ringside preparation for the fighters and, as one the newest coaches, Jesse had left that honor to the men who’d really gotten them to this point.
This was an advancing bout, one that would allow winners to move up to a statewide competition, and there was much more than pride at stake in this competition, much more pressure too, but Jesse had no doubt the Warriors could handle it.
He glanced around the massive room again, teeming with people, searching for Chuck. He hadn’t heard from Chuck since he’d left Jesse’s house a few days ago, but an order of his favorite dish from Spicy Thai had shown up at his door thirty minutes after Chuck had left, fully paid and with a note that said I’ll see you soon.
That meal had tasted better than anything he’d ever eaten before.
Jesse smiled at the memory. Chuck was willing to give Jesse the space he needed right now and still wait for him, even though all he’d done was wait from the beginning. Jesse caught eyes with Jordie as he was walking with one of the crew and waved him over.
Jesse had to lean in to be heard above the clamor. “Have you seen Chuck?”
Jordie shook his head. “He had to head out to Brighton for the profile he’s working on. Apparently, he booked it before he knew this competition was happening.”
The mara
thon was in less than a week, it made sense that Chuck would already be out there working. “There’ll be more competitions for him to catch.”
“That sounds an awful lot like Chuck’ll be around here for the long-term.”
Jesse narrowed his eyes. “You know something different?”
“Nah, that’s exactly it. I never thought Chuck would last here, but he seems really happy. Look, we haven’t been able to connect since that meeting at the club. I’d like to get an interview with you, by yourself, on camera. If you’re willing.”
“Sure.”
“We can talk about parameters and what you’re comfortable with.”
“I’m not comfortable with a whole hell of a lot of it yet,” Jesse admitted. “But I’m still okay with talking about it. No way I’m going to get past it if I don’t.”
“Cool. I’ll catch up with you tomorrow then and set something up.”
Jesse bumped fists with Jordie as he walked away, then caught sight of a familiar face walking through the crowd. Jesse cupped his hands around his mouth. “Hey, Ash!”
Ashton’s head snapped up, his lips thinning as he made his way toward Jesse. He’d been discharged only yesterday and hadn’t been back to the club or to school yet. He looked so unsure of himself with his hands stuffed in his pockets, chest curled in, and his hood pulled over his head. Jesse didn’t know Ashton as well as some of the other coaches, or Chuck, but he was the only friendly face around right now, and he needed Ashton to know he was welcome.
Jesse grinned at him. “Good to see you here.”
Ashton shifted on his feet, a hint of a smile breaking through. “Thanks.”
“Your mom here with you?”
“She’s getting some food for both of us.”
“The burgers are surprisingly good as long as you take off the pickles.”
“Are they those sweet pickles?”
Jesse nodded. “Sweet pickles just ain’t right.”
Ashton chuckled, the set of his shoulders easing. “Miguel texted me. He told me that you came out to everyone.”
“Bisexual. I’m still getting used to saying that word and not being freaked out about it.”
Ashton’s eyes widened. “You get scared?”
“There’s a lot more emotional stuff to coming out than I thought there would be. I’m more happy than I am scared at his point because I have support. It’s tough but survivable. And I have a much better chance at living the life I want to now. I hope you know you have just as much support from everyone at the club.”
Ashton ducked his head. “That’s what my mom told me.”
“Well, she’s right. How are things with her?”
“Better.” Ashton lifted his eyes to Jesse’s. “Does your mom know?”
“Not yet. I think she’ll be okay with it, but she’s going to have to reform some of her ideas of what she thought my future entailed.”
“I feel ya.”
“I don’t know quite how to say this without it coming across the wrong way, but even though we don’t know each other very well, I hope you can hear me when I say that I think you’re one of the bravest people I know.”
Ashton’s brow furrowed. “How can you say that after…?”
“You’re here now, don’t discount how much strength that took. We all make mistakes, Ash. I’ve made some huge ones I’ve had to make amends for. And not just to other people, but to myself as well.” Ashton bit at his lip, and Jesse didn’t push the subject. “Let’s move closer to where the Warriors will be entering. I know they’ll want to see you.”
“I dunno, Coach Sollie.”
“We don’t have to if you’re uncomfortable, but I’m telling you—they will.”
Ashton nodded and they worked through the crowd until they were standing at the opening where the fighters would emerge before their bouts. Kam was the first through the tunnel, and when his eyes landed on Ashton he smiled and gave a thumbs up. The kids, though, they didn’t have the same restraint. Miguel made a mad dash for Ashton as soon as he caught sight of him, wrapping Ashton into his arms and lifting him off the ground. He thumped him back down and pushed at his shoulder, grinning.
Ashton’s face flushed crimson. “You gotta reserve your strength, bro.”
“Got more than enough now that you’re here.”
Miguel loped off and the other Warriors came up to embrace Ashton one by one before they headed for the ring. Jesse swelled with pride.
“Whatever you need, you let us know, okay?” Jesse said. “We’ll be there to help you through the bad times and celebrate the good. I get the feeling you have a hell of a lot of good times still coming your way.”
“Yeah, Coach Sollie. Maybe I do.”
And they stood shoulder-to-shoulder as they watched three Warriors, including Miguel, advance to the next round of competition.
26
Chuck tapped the top of the truck from his standing position in the bed and waited for the vehicle to stop. He lifted his camera and clicked off shots of the vet he was profiling as the runners neared the vehicle.
“Having fun, Paul?” he called out as the former soldier passed him.
Paul flipped him off, a grin lighting up his face, and Chuck made sure to get that shot too.
“How many more miles?” he asked the driver.
“Six more to go. They start heading back into the city now.”
Chuck did some quick math in his head. “All right, let’s keep pace with him from here on out. This is the part Paul told me will be most challenging for him.”
“You got it,” his driver answered and got the idling truck moving again.
Chuck sat down on the tool chest in the bed and swept his eyes over the runners in Paul’s pack. So far, he’d managed to keep his focus on the vet, even though his fingers itched to open his phone and track Jesse’s progress through the marathon app. He didn’t hold out much hope for being at the finish line when Jesse crossed—which he was absolutely sure Jesse would do—mostly because the odds weren’t in his favor. But he hoped. The idea of catching that moment in his lens made his body hum with excitement.
He was in the back of one of the few officially sanctioned vehicles for the marathon and basically had an all-access pass, but he had to keep himself focused on his job. Which had been much easier than he’d thought it would be. Of course, Jesse was at the back of his mind, but watching Paul—catching every moment he could of his courageous drive for the finish line—was more than inspiring. This was art. It was yet another piece of himself that he’d thought he’d lost, returned to him at just the right time. Or maybe returned to him because he’d taken the time to rediscover it.
Chuck continued firing off shots, keeping within the confines of the official vehicle so that the runners would be safe. It wasn’t optimal conditions for catching the right angle, but he made it work. Paul was visibly exhausted, his prosthetic leg giving him much more bounce to his step than the other leg was putting in, but Paul gritted his teeth and kept moving. He was still hovering around a nine minute a mile pace, impressive for someone in his late twenties, let alone with the added challenge of having his prosthetic for just over two years. At this rate, he would reach the end before another hour was out.
Chuck draped over the side of the truck, angling his lens to get as straight-on with Paul as he could, when he heard the thump of footsteps directly next to the truck. He glanced up to make sure the driver hadn’t drifted too close to the other runners and came eye-to-eye with Jesse.
His chest was bare, arms pumping, sweat rolling down the cut lines of his pecs and abs. And he was smiling up at Chuck.
“Fancy running into you here,” Chuck called out.
“I don’t see you doing much running.”
“Maybe next time. How you holding up?”
“Only five more miles, right? Relatively sure I won’t die.”
“Better not.”
“I’ll try.” Then Jesse looked over his shoulder, worked his way through the o
ther runners and pulled up next to Paul, saying something to him that Chuck couldn’t hear. He lifted his camera and caught the moment when Paul threw his head back laughing, Jesse knocking his hand on Paul’s bicep as he grinned. Jesse glanced back at Chuck, lifted a hand in recognition, and increased his pace.
Chuck spared a second to watch him go then refocused his lens. He had a job to do.
With tenths of a mile left to go in the race, the driver sped up and dropped Chuck off at the finish line, but Chuck didn’t have time to scan for Jesse in the crowd. He had to keep an eye out for Paul.
He’d done a marathon once before and it was an experience he’d love to repeat, despite how fucking awful the last miles were. There was nothing like the adrenaline high of catching that finish line in your sights.
Chuck captured Paul as he came around the bend, eyes fixed on the gate and his jaw set as tears rolled down his face, mingling with his sweat. The roar of the crowd bounced off the surrounding buildings, buoying the steps of every runner digging deep for that last, exhilaratingly miserable drag to the end.
By the time Paul crossed, Chuck couldn’t wipe the smile from his face or keep himself from shedding a few tears along with Paul as Paul slowed, set his hands on his hips, breathing thickly, and was tackled by his daughters then his wife. But it was the soldiers from Paul’s unit that had made the trip here to support their friend that really did him in.
Chuck lost track of time in his lens, wanting to catch it all. He couldn’t wait to start working on these images. Paul came over and pulled Chuck into a wet hug. Chuck laughed and lifted his camera—“Say cheese, badass”—and clicked off a shot of the two of them that he’d have to find a place for on his wall.
“I’ll text you when they’re ready,” he said.
“Can’t wait.” Paul slapped him on the back and was immediately swept up again in the arms of his family and friends.
Chuck capped his lens, shouldered his camera, and looked around. Jesse had to be long gone by now—likely trudging his way back to his hotel for recovery time. He’d text him later and give him some time to rest up.
Out of the Shade Page 29