Out of the Shade

by S. A. McAuley

  But he didn’t have to wait. He spotted Jesse at the hydration tent, towering over everyone else and chatting with one of the volunteers, a towel thrown over his bare shoulders and a bottle of power drink in his hand.

  Chuck’s feet started toward Jesse with little prompting. “So, was that as good for you as it was for me?”

  Jesse laughed and excused himself from the person he was talking to. “Shit. You really want to go with that metaphor? If so, I’m pretty sure you just laid there and took it while I pounded away.”

  “It looks like it was a good pounding.”

  Jesse huffed and swiped the towel off his shoulder, running it over his pecs. “Unfortunately, ice cream isn’t part of my marathon recovery diet.”

  Chuck’s face flushed at the memories that snapped into focus. His jaw worked to form words—any words would be good at this moment.

  Jesse chuckled lowly. He swiped up another drink and ducked under the edge of the tent. “That’s a different camera than the one you use at the club. Is that Rose?”

  “This is her,” Chuck said, self-consciously tugging at the strap as he followed behind. He couldn’t believe Jesse had remembered that name. “She did me right again today.”

  An uneasy quiet settled between them as they wound through the runners, spectators, and volunteers teeming around them. Jesse brushed up against him, not even attempting to maintain a safe or removed distance. Chuck had an overwhelming urge to pull Jesse into his arms and kiss the fuck out of him. But Jesse had made it clear he needed time, and Chuck would give him however long he needed.

  He cleared his throat. “Did any of the boys make it out?”

  “Kam, Matt, and Danny offered to make the trip, but I asked them not to. I wanted to do this without any of them….” Jesse glanced sideways at Chuck. “Me doing this alone felt important.”

  “I get it.”

  “But my parents wouldn’t listen,” Jesse added, chuckling. “They’re here somewhere.”

  Chuck glanced around the crowd as if he’d be able to spot the Solomona parents, even though he had only vague impressions of what they both looked like. “Are you going out to celebrate with them?”

  “I don’t know. By the time I told them I was doing this, the flights were limited. They leave in a few hours, so I don’t even know if I’ll see them before they head to the airport. I left my cell back at the hotel.”

  “You can use mine to call them if you want.”

  Jesse shook his head. “I’m good just being present right now. My therapist would call that a positive development.”

  Chuck couldn’t hold back anymore. He stopped in his tracks, tugging on Jesse’s hand to pull him out of the crowd and to the edge of the sidewalk. He rested on the brick building behind him and let go of Jesse’s hand, but only when Jesse was close enough that Chuck could pick out the flecks of black in his dark brown eyes. “I’m really fucking proud of you, Jesse.”

  “Yeah?”

  “And, fuck, you….” Chuck whistled. “You look amazing. You’re a solid two-fifty now, aren’t you?”

  Jesse arched an eyebrow. “You said you liked my belly.”

  “I like you. Whatever package you come in.”

  Jesse grinned and crossed his arms, leaning on the building next to Chuck. He didn’t say anything. Maybe neither of them needed to.

  Jesse might have been trying to live in the present, but Chuck had always been awful at that—the future was tempting. Limitless possibilities.

  “How are you getting home?” he asked.

  “I have a return flight booked for later tonight.”

  “Is it refundable?”

  “Nope. But it’s only money. Why?”

  “I’m road-tripping it home,” Chuck said. “It’s a long drive, but if you want to ride along…?”

  “Yeah. That would be—” Jesse’s voice cracked. He downed more of his power drink, red splotching his cheeks. He chuckled self-consciously. “Sorry. I can’t help but think about how we filled those hours on our last road trip.”

  “I’m not asking that of you, Jesse,” Chuck said with all seriousness. “It would just be good to spend some time with you.”

  “I took a few days off after the marathon to recover anyway. When were you planning on leaving?”

  “Whenever. I drove my baby here, so I’m not beholden to any kind of schedule.”

  “Wanna pick me up at my hotel in an hour? It would be good for me to shower. Being in an enclosed space and all.”

  “Yeah, sure…. But there’s something else I should mention before you agree to this.”

  Jesse arched an eyebrow in silent question.

  “Adalric called me when he found out I was on the east coast. I’m making a side trip through upstate New York to see him.”

  Jesse’s shoulders stiffened. “Oh.”

  He’d expected that reaction. Their last interaction with an ex had been a nightmare, setting in motion a string of events they were still recovering from. But Adalric….

  Apparently, his own ritual of inking someone in and writing them off didn't mean that the other person thought they'd received closure at all. Maybe all of his tattoos were periods at the end of sentences, but as long as he was alive, they’d never be the end of the story.

  “I’m going to meet his husband,” Chuck clarified.

  “He got married?”

  Jesse's shock mirrored how Chuck had felt at first, but that hadn’t lasted long. He’d come to terms with how cosmically incompatible they were when he’d walked away almost two years ago, and Adalric’s announcement had driven that home.

  “Yep. He got married. When he found out I was only a few hours away from him, he asked if I'd come by.”

  Jesse studied him. “It's important to you to do this.”

  “Yeah. I'd like to wish him well in his new life.”

  “Then we'll go.”

  Chuck breathed out a sigh of relief. He would’ve made the side trip regardless, but it was going to be easier with Jesse at his side. “Okay.”

  “So how do you want to play this?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “When you introduced me to Tayshaun last year he assumed we were a couple. And I— Even though we were kind of a couple then… Sort of. Well, you know what happened there. Now we’re not, but….”

  Chuck quirked an eyebrow, waiting for Jesse to finish one complete thought.

  “How are you going to introduce me to Adalric?”

  “I don’t think Adalric will even ask, but if he does, I’d like to tell him that we’re friends”—Jesse’s features fell, but he didn’t look away from Chuck—“and we’re figuring the rest out.”

  “Are we?”

  “I think so.”

  A smile returned to Jesse’s lips. “Okay.”

  Chuck slipped his camera strap farther up his shoulder so he could get into his front pocket and pull out his keys. “Where you staying?”

  “The Hammond, a couple blocks from here.”

  “Do you want a ride there?”

  “Nah. I’m going to walk. Helps clear my head. Thanks, though.”

  Chuck laughed. “Jesse. You just ran twenty-six miles.”

  “Twenty-six point two,” Jesse corrected him. “May as well make it an even point five.”

  “Jesse!”

  A blinding smile stretched across Jesse’s face as he was tackled by a petite blonde woman. “I’m still so sweaty, Mom.”

  Chuck’s eyes widened and he pointed in a few different directions as he tried to hedge away. “I’m just going to—”

  But Jesse didn’t give him a chance to bolt. He unerringly cut in. “Mom, this is Chuck. Chuck, this is my mom, Laura.”

  Jesse’s mom exhaled softly with surprise, embracing his hand in both of hers. “It’s great to meet you, Chuck. Jesse was hoping you might run into each other. Did you get the photographs you need?”

  Chuck caught Jesse’s eyes. He was smiling. “Yeah, it was good.”

&nbs
p; “Congratulations, Jesse,” a man said as he embraced Jesse. He was taller than Jesse, a bit thinner, and now Chuck had a good idea what Jesse would look like thirty years from now.

  “Dad, Chuck. Chuck, this is Silas—my dad.”

  Chuck outstretched his hand, not sure what kind of reception he was going to get. Silas Solomona had gone blank-faced. Then his eyebrows stitched together and he grasped Chuck’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Chuck.” He dropped Chuck’s hand and faced Jesse. “I’m sorry we can’t stay. What time is your flight?”

  “I’m going to skip the flight and drive back with Chuck.”

  Silas nodded slowly, his gaze flitting between them. “All right, then. Drive fast and take lots of chances.”

  Jesse chuckled, gave them both hugs again and murmured promises to come to dinner when he was home again.

  Chuck watched them disappear into the crowd. “Do they know?”

  “About me, or about us?”

  “Both, I guess.”

  “They know about both,” Jesse confirmed.

  “And?”

  “As you said, we have a long ride ahead. We’ll talk then.”

  Chuck took in the sly smile on Jesse’s lips. His heart beat frantically.

  Jesse was out to everyone in his life.

  He wanted to get back together with Chuck, and if—when?—that happened, they wouldn’t have to hide from anyone. But, according to Jesse, there were things he needed to accomplish first. Chuck just had to find out what the other things were on Jesse’s list.

  They had the next two days together—just the two of them—to discover that, and maybe rediscover each other.

  27

  Jesse eased back in the passenger seat of Chuck’s Mustang, glancing at Chuck’s phone to make sure they’d ended up exiting the freeway at the right spot. “Waze says we have about another hour.”

  Chuck nodded in response. His tatted arm rested on the door, sunglass-shielded eyes focused on the two-lane highway curving off into the distance. His window was cracked open, crisp spring air tousling his hair. Chuck pushed his sunglasses to the top of his head as they passed into a section of the road heavily shaded by the thick canopies of trees on each side. Jesse watched the filtered sunlight play over Chuck’s face, shifting his eyes from a warm gold to shadow-darkened green, and highlighting the subtle movement of his lips as he silently mouthed along with the fifties song on the only radio station they could pick up.

  “You’ve gotta be wiped, Jesse. Why don’t you sleep for a bit?”

  There was no way Jesse was shutting his eyes and missing one second of this. Jesus fuck, he was so in love with Chuck it hurt.

  Chuck glanced at him when Jesse didn’t reply. “Or is it too cramped for you to get comfortable?”

  Jesse’s legs were stretched out as much as they could be in the limited space, but he didn’t care about comfort. Being this close to Chuck again and having it all be okay was more than enough to set him at ease. “I don’t want to sleep.”

  “Too amped still from the race?”

  Jesse shook his head. “I don’t want to waste any time with you.”

  Chuck let a beat of silence fall between them, then his lips tipped into a smirk. “That was smooth, Jesse.”

  “Wasn’t meant to be,” he said honestly.

  “Which only makes it smoother.” Chuck tapped at the steering wheel. “If you’re not going to sleep, what do you want to talk about?”

  “How about Adalric?”

  “Going right for the aorta then?’

  “I don’t know,” Jesse said. “You tell me.”

  “Okay.” Chuck pushed himself back in his seat, sitting up straighter. “Well, Ricky—”

  “Jesus. Ricky?” Jesse scoffed. “Way to ease into that topic, Dunn.”

  “You already know the basics about me and Ricky,” Chuck continued with only a twitch of his lip. “Do you want to hear more explicit details?”

  “Not fucking at all,” Jesse insisted. A low chuckle rolled out of Chuck’s mouth. “Tell me about him. What can I expect?”

  “I’m not really sure anymore. I’ve traded less than a dozen texts and calls with him in the last week. It seems like he’s changed a lot, though. He’s much more chill. He was always so worried and on edge—constantly on the defense. Now, he’s just…not.”

  “Because of retiring from basketball last year?”

  “Maybe. I think finding the person who’s the right fit for him made the biggest difference.”

  “You, uh….” Jesse sniffed and scratched his fingers over his scalp. “Are you sorry that person’s not you?”

  “I was never the right person for him,” Chuck answered without hesitation. “I’m okay with that.”

  “But at one time you wanted to be?”

  “Not really, no,” Chuck admitted. His gaze bounced over to Jesse, taking in Jesse’s surprise at that. “I loved him, yeah, and I tried to make it work, but he wasn’t out and he told me he’d never be.”

  That reframed a whole hell of a lot of the last six months for Jesse. “Oh.”

  “Yeah. I tied my own worth to his decision to stay closeted, and that ended up tearing me apart. When I finally separated those two things in my head, I couldn’t hate him. I hated myself for putting myself in that position. Ricky and I…. Our relationship was toxic. We brought the worst out in each other as a couple. We had to end things for both of us to find the space to get better.”

  With that truth bomb fully exploded and weighing down the air between them, Jesse fell silent. He and Chuck had needed to end things too, and in that separation, Jesse had gotten better—he’d finally found himself again. But Chuck….

  Jesse had to ask. “Are you better off since we broke up?”

  Chuck shifted in his seat. “Yeah. I am.”

  Jesse’s heart sank.

  “But once things were really over with Adalric,” Chuck continued, glancing at Jesse, “I never thought about getting back together with him. It hasn’t been like that with you.”

  The heavy canopy above them couldn’t block out the warmth pricking along Jesse’s skin, as if the sun beat down on him even now. He smiled and stared out the passenger window, feeling the weight of Chuck’s eyes on him.

  He ventured a glance at Chuck. “Something else you want to say?”

  “I’m just weighing how much I can push my luck.”

  “On what?”

  “The questions I want to ask you. You agreed to ride with me back to Kensington, you’re going to my ex’s house with me…. We’ve only been in the car a few hours and we still have a long ride ahead, so I don’t want to push it.”

  “All right. I’m leaving the net unguarded, take your best shot.”

  “Okay.” He switched hands on the steering wheel so his body was turned more toward Jesse. “I’m curious what’s on your shit-that’s-gotta-get-done list.”

  Also known as the list of things Jesse had said he wanted to get through before Chuck and he even thought of being in a relationship again. Jesse restrained a smile, but he definitely wasn’t keeping his heartbeat under control. “You already know most of it—the trial, sobriety, therapy, a job that wouldn’t destroy my soul…. Emily being safe and happy again.”

  “You being safe and happy again.”

  “That wasn’t on my list at all in the beginning,” Jesse answered honestly. “But I learned that it had to be. Then there was the marathon. I had to finish it.”

  “Tick that box, Sollie.”

  Jesse grinned. “Every muscle in my body is begging me to never torture it like that again, but I think I want to.”

  “Maybe not solo the next time?”

  Jesse chuckled softly at Chuck’s not-so-subtle hint of being his running partner the next time around. “Maybe. Then there was coming out.” Jesse shook his head. “I needed that to happen if I was going to pull everything together. It’s been scary as shit, but necessary.”

  “I was there for the boys. It seemed like most
of them didn’t think twice about it.”

  “Most of them didn’t. Ryan and I….” Jesse sighed. “We’re still figuring that one out.”

  “I was hoping what I was seeing when you all walked out of that office was okay.”

  Jesse frowned. “It wasn’t.”

  “Fuck. I’m sorry, Jesse. But I can’t say I’m surprised. So, what’s his deal?”

  “He said he was pissed that I’d been lying to him for so long. He didn’t care that I’d been lying to myself for even longer.”

  “What did everyone else say?”

  “That he needed to get over it. But the thing is….” Jesse shifted uncomfortably. He wished he could really look Chuck in the eye to have this conversation. Or maybe it was better for both of them that they couldn’t. Easier to say and hear topics they wouldn’t have ventured into otherwise when there was the road ahead of them to focus on. “You were right to walk out on me on New Year’s—”

  “Jesse. We don’t need to talk about that.”

  “We do. I said things to you that came out of a place of denial, fear, and sheer stupidity, but that doesn’t excuse me. And Ryan…. In Kam’s office, he said This isn’t right. Just as I had thought about myself for years, and just like what I said to you that night. Talk about karma. That was like getting kicked in the face with my own boot. I’m sorry for hurting you, Chuck.”

  Chuck reached across the seat and settled his hand on the back of Jesse’s neck. “You don’t think you’re abnormal anymore, do you?”

  “I’m definitely not normal—if normal even exists—but not because I’m bi.” Chuck scratched his fingers against Jesse’s scalp, and Jesse smiled at the silent—and possibly unconscious—show of support. “Anyway, I was scared to come out to anyone else after what happened with Ryan, because I didn’t know how they’d react, but I still had more of the Kensington boys to talk to and my parents. So, I talked to my therapist, thought a lot about drinking and didn’t, pushed past the fear, and did it.”

  “How were your parents?”

  “Solid. Shouldn’t have expected anything else.”

  “What was with your dad’s kind of non-reaction to me, then? You said they knew about us….”