“Because we didn't channel it,” I said. “In order to achieve a specific goal you have to focus on that goal before raising the energy. You have to be aware of what you want to achieve and direct the power toward that end result as it peaks. I don't know about you, but at the Mabon ceremony I wasn't concentrating on anything but getting through the experience in one piece.”
“You were thinking about how to get through what I was doing to you even though you hated it.” The bitterness was back in Ben's voice and he looked away from me, not meeting my eyes.
“That's not true,” I insisted. “Look, I admit I was frightened at first. You were so big, so wild, so…” I waved a hand in the air, “I don't know—almost overwhelming. And you know what my last relationship was like. But when I…when I offered myself to you, it was with my whole heart. I wanted you Ben—needed you.”
He was looking at me now, and it was my turn to blush but I met his eyes steadily, unwilling to look away. I wanted him to see the truth of my words in my face.
His brown eyes softened a little, but there was still a look of stubborn determination on his strong features.
“That's sweet of you to say, Dani.” He cupped my cheek in his palm and traced my lips with his thumb in a way that sent slow fire through my veins. “But I'm just not willing to take a chance on hurting you again. Not even to change McKinsey back to her rightful form. Nothing is worth more to me that your safety. Nothing. And, well, I just…I guess I just don't trust myself. Not where you're concerned anyway.”
“I trust you, Ben,” I told him, as I had earlier. I could feel the yearning coming from him in waves, the longing to let himself go and be with me, but his self doubt was standing in the way. I had to find a way to show him that he was worthy of my love and trust. A way to show him he could be gentle while he loved me—that every time didn't have to be like the wild orgy of the Mabon ceremony. Suddenly I had an idea.
“We don't have to really make love to do this if you don't want to,” I said, hoping like hell that what I was planning would work. “We just have to raise sexual energy. I've been doing some research, and it's possible to raise power without consummating the act.”
“How are we going to do that?” Ben's voice was flat and disbelieving.
“We simulate it,” I said. I leaned forward and took his hands in mine. “Please, Ben, help me try. This means so much to me, and you won't have to worry about hurting me because we won't actually do anything. Please?”
He nodded somewhat reluctantly, I thought. “Well…all right. But how do we, uh, go about it?”
“We start out the same way we would if we were actually doing the entire thing,” I said, trying to sound confident. “In fact, we're going to do everything but, if you know what I mean.”
“I think I get it,” Ben said dryly, but there was a hunger in his eyes that gave me hope and the courage to continue. “Is this a ceremony we're supposed to perform?”
“In a way,” I said. “A kind of free-form ceremony, if you will. But while we do this, we need to be thinking of our goal—focusing mentally on what we want to achieve.” I cleared my throat. “I, uh, need to anoint you with oil first. And then you anoint me.”
“All right.” Ben shrugged. “Anoint away.”
“Well…” I hesitated a moment before taking the plunge. “For this to really work, you need to be, uh, naked.”
“Fine.” He stood up with careless grace and peeled down the skin-tight jeans, then kicked them to the side. In the firelight his body was magnificent. The warm glow played over his muscular chest, lapping at his narrow hips and the dark shadow between his legs where his cock was already half hard. I caught my breath. Why had I never allowed myself to notice his physical beauty before all this started? Had I really been so afraid of getting involved emotionally that I had blinded myself to everything Ben had to offer? So many nights I had cuddled with him on the couch, my chest pillowed on that rock-hard chest and never even dreamed of doing anything more. But my eyes were open now and I wanted more—much more than a friendly cuddle.
“…you?” Ben's voice brought me back to reality, and I realized that I had just been staring at him without registering anything he said.
“Sorry.” I blushed and cleared my throat, trying to keep my eyes above his waist. “I didn't quite catch that. What did you say?”
“I said what about you? Don't you have to be naked, too? If you're acting the priestess role in this, I mean.” Ben gestured vaguely but the fire was back in his eyes. It boosted my self esteem again to know that he wanted to see me in the nude, but I was still embarrassed.
“Oh, uh, yeah. Sure,” I mumbled. Why is it that guys are always so much more comfortable with their bodies than women are? I went to the gym four or five times a week religiously, and except for the occasional ice cream splurge, I practically lived on rabbit food. But still, I felt shy. I wished for a little of the Goddess-given loss of inhibition that I had experienced at the Mabon ceremony, but as I said earlier, I was the only one inhabiting my body that night.
Ben's eyes softened. “You don't have to if you don't want to,” he said, obviously sensing my unease.
“I want to,” I said, fumbling with the long row of mother of pearl buttons. “I just…if I can get these damn buttons to cooperate…”
“Here.” Ben brushed my trembling hands away. “May I?” he asked, but the heat in his gaze belied the too-polite words. Biting my lip, I nodded, and he began working on the buttons himself. I gasped as I felt the warmth of his knuckles brushing the sides of my breasts and the rounded planes of my abdomen. He went lower, deliberately slowing down, and I felt a flash of desire zip through me as he brushed the neatly trimmed thatch of curls between my thighs. Then the last button came loose.
“Ready?” Ben looked into my eyes, still holding the unbuttoned gown closed. I nodded again and he pulled it open, then let it drop to the ground at my feet. I stared fixedly into the fire as I felt his gaze take me in—all of me. “Beautiful,” he breathed at last. “You're so Goddamned beautiful, Dani. And so different, too.”
“Different how?” I looked at him, raising an eyebrow in question.
“Well…” He seemed to be groping for words. “The last time I saw you like this was in the moonlight and your body—you, I mean—were all silvery. Almost ethereal. And I had the Hunger Moon riding me, urging me to do things…” He shook his head, a look of sorrow flickering through his eyes. “I just…I guess I didn't get a chance to stop and appreciate how striking you are. Your full breasts, the cup of your navel…” He gestured lower.
“Say it,” I whispered, suddenly needing to hear it from his mouth. He'd had no trouble uttering profanities during the Mabon ceremony, but we had been wild then—uncontrolled. Now it was just Ben and me, naked in the firelight, wanting each other so badly we were nearly trembling. Or at least I was trembling.
“Your pussy,” Ben murmured, meeting my eyes. “I love the way it looks when you get hot. The way the lips get so swollen and wet, the way your clit throbs against my tongue when I eat you.” He wasn't touching me at all, but I felt his words like a physical caress against my skin. “I love the way you taste,” he said, holding my eyes with his, not letting me look away. “Hot and salty and sweet. I love to spread your pussy open and go down on you. Love to press my tongue inside you and feel you pull on my hair and scratch my back when you come so hard all over my face.”
“God, Ben.” My breath was coming hard and fast in little pants, and I could feel my heart pounding in every part of my body at once. My nipples tightened with need, and the wetness was growing between my thighs. I wanted to look away, wanted to break the too-intimate eye contact we had established, but somehow I couldn't. Had I really thought I was in control of this situation? I literally felt weak in the knees, but I knew I had to get hold of myself if I wanted to direct this ceremony in the way I needed it to go.
Tearing my eyes from his at last, I leaned over and got the warm bottle of sweet alm
ond massage oil from the couch. Mutely, I held it up. Ben nodded and spread his arms in a gesture of supplication. He was ready to go along with whatever I needed to do—as long as we didn't take that final step, that was.
Taking a deep breath, I poured a little of the warm oil into my cupped palm and put the bottle down. Then I dipped my fingertips in the sweet-smelling liquid and stepped closer, close enough that I could feel the heat radiating from his bare skin and smell his warm, musky scent.
“Blessed be thy thoughts, chosen of the Goddess,” I murmured, unsure of where the words were coming from. They just seemed to appear on the tip of my tongue. I dabbed a bit of the oil at each of Ben's temples, reaching high to do so since he was so much taller than me.
“Blessed be thy eyes, that see her visions.” I dabbed just a tiny bit of the oil against each of his closed eyelids. “Blessed be thy lips, I long to kiss,” I continued, dipping into the oil again and tracing his lips. Ben seemed about to say something then, but I shook my head and he remained silent. “Blessed be thy shoulders, strong in her service.” I dipped into the oil again and traced a shining path down the strong column of his throat and across the wide breadth of his shoulders, skimming his collar bones and letting my hand wander down to the steel of each bicep in turn. I could feel the tension in his big body, coiled like a spring, but I wasn't afraid of him. I was so filled with need and desire there was no room for fear.
“Blessed be thy heart, full of her love.” I traced the shape of a heart on the left side of his chest, then circled the flat copper disks of his nipples with my fingers. The small nubbins in their centers hardened at my touch, and I heard Ben catch his breath. I dipped into the oil again and trailed my fingers down the flat planes of his stomach, exploring the ridges of his abs and taking my time as I reached the trail of silky black hair that led down to the hardened club of his sex.
“Blessed be thy cock,” I murmured. Rubbing both hands together to coat them with oil, I encircled his aching thickness with the fingers of one hand while I cupped his sac in the other. Ben threw back his head and moaned, a sound of need and desperation that I felt echoed in my own heart. I caressed him carefully, marveling at his heat and the silky softness of his skin here in this most intimate spot. I took my time, stroking over his thick shaft right up to the flaring, plum-shaped head and back down to the base. It felt right to touch him this way—so intimately. I would have liked to take all night exploring him, but after a few minutes, Ben caught my wrists with a shaky laugh.
“Careful, or this ceremony will be over before it gets started.” He was smiling, but the fire in his eyes was burning brighter than ever. They weren't exactly glowing, which was something I had come to associate with his were nature, but they were full of need.
I allowed him to remove my hands and bit my lip when I saw him reach for the bottle of oil. “I'm, um, ticklish,” I said, feeling foolish as soon as the words were out of my mouth. I wanted Ben to touch me—wanted him to do more than touch me. It was just hard to get over my initial shyness.
“I'll be careful.” Ben's deep voice was gentle, reassuring. I took a breath and felt myself relaxing.
“Okay,” I whispered, spreading my arms the way he had.
“Blessed be thy thoughts,” Ben began, repeating my words. His large hand was gentle as he dabbed the oil on my temples and eyelids. When he reached my mouth, I parted my lips and let my tongue dart out, tasting the sweet almond oil along with the salt of his fingertips.
“Blessed be thy lips, I long to kiss,” Ben murmured as he traced. Then he surprised me by leaning down and pressing his lips to mine, suiting actions to words. I leaned forward and returned the kiss, opening my mouth to invite him inside. I think I could have melted into a puddle right then and there, but Ben held back. Inwardly, I cursed his iron self control that kept him from throwing me down on the quilt and just taking me.
But this wasn't about quick, rough sex, I reminded myself. And it wasn't about instant gratification. I forced myself to visualize my goals and keep my eyes on the prize. The longer we could draw this out, the more power we could raise.
Ben had reached my heart now, and he was tracing the shape over my left breast. Then he dipped into the oil again and began to circle my nipples in warm, lazy spirals. “Blessed be thy breasts, formed in beauty and full of life,” he murmured. He leaned forward to kiss each nipple in turn, sucking the stiff tips of my breasts into his hot, wet mouth until I buried my hands in his hair and moaned.
He pulled back at last, and I felt his warm hand begin to trace a ticklish path from the valley between my breasts, to my navel, and farther down, to the aching well between my thighs.
“Blessed be thy cunt, I long to taste,” Ben murmured, dropping to his knees before me. He rubbed his hands together and stroked my inner thighs, urging me to part for him. I felt a long sigh fall out of me as I steadied myself on his broad shoulders and did what he wanted.
Warm, slippery fingers parted the lips of my pussy and slid over and around the swollen bud of my clitoris in a torturously pleasurable pattern. I bit my lip to keep from crying out as he explored me. He shifted me, turning my pelvis to the firelight so that he could see exactly what he was doing and exactly how it was affecting me.
“So wet,” he almost whispered. He looked up at me and now his eyes were glowing. But it was a soft, warm glow that made me feel wanted and loved. “Are you wet for me, Dani?” Ben asked, still holding my gaze. “Are you wet because you want me?”
Unable to speak, I nodded my head. He slid two long, strong fingers into my pussy, stroking upward with a smooth thrust that tore a gasp from my lips. I tightened my grip on his shoulders to keep from falling as the intense sensation washed over me and felt his muscles bunched in tension beneath my hands.
“Please!” I gasped. “Please…Oh, God!”
Wordlessly, Ben withdrew his fingers and led me to the couch. He positioned me so that I was half sitting, half lying with my legs spread right at the edge of the cushion. Then he knelt between my thighs again and bent to kiss the top of my slit. I waited to feel him spread me open, waited for the silky glide of his tongue over my slippery folds, but it didn't come. Instead he looked at me, an expression of intense longing in his brown eyes.
“Tell me if you want this, Dani,” he said—almost begged. “Tell me you want me to eat you, want me to taste you. I need to hear you say it this time.”
I realized that he needed to know I wanted it as much as he did—not surprising considering the last several times we'd engaged in this act Ben had believed he was taking me against my will. He needed permission, absolution, and reassurance, and I wanted badly to give him all three.
“Ben,” I murmured, reaching forward to stroke his hair. “I want you to do this. Please…” I bit my lip before I could make myself continue. “Please taste me. Eat me—my pussy, I mean. I…” I closed my eyes briefly, feeling my cheeks flush as I forced myself to ask for things I had never asked for before. “I love to feel your tongue inside me,” I told him at last. “Love it when you fuck me with your fingers while you lick my clit. It feels…God, it feels so good. So right. Please…”
The last word was barely out of my mouth before Ben was bending over me, spreading my thighs to get at the treasure between them. “Open for me, Dani,” he urged softly. “Let me spread open your pussy lips and taste you. God, I love the way your clit throbs against my tongue. It's like I can feel your heartbeat with every taste.”
I watched him open me, spreading my lips apart tenderly, and kissing the sensitive pink inside of my cunt the same way he had kissed my mouth. It was beautiful to watch and even more beautiful to feel. It seemed that every time Ben ate me it was different. The first time he had been bent on driving me completely crazy and the second at the Mabon ceremony he had been in an animalistic frenzy of lust. This time it was clear he wanted to see exactly what he was doing and take his time exploring every inch of my pussy with his tongue and fingers.
I felt mys
elf getting wetter and wetter as he lapped and kissed my clit, stroking delicately along the side of my swollen bud with his tongue until I cried and called his name. I wanted to come in the worst way, but Ben held me back time and again. I knew he was trying to help build the power, and indeed, I could almost feel it rising like an invisible cone above my head, surging higher and higher. But by the time he pressed his tongue inside me and thrust like he was mapping a secret part of my soul, I was nearly at the end of my patience.
“Ben, please!” I pulled on his hair to get his attention. He looked up at me, his full mouth wet and shiny with my juices. “I can't take much more,” I told him. “We have to…have to finish.”
He nodded and pulled away from me, his eyes drowning deep. “How do you suggest we simulate the end?” His voice was steady despite the throbbing erection rising between his thighs, and I cursed his self control again. He still wanted to pretend instead of doing the real thing. He was still afraid of hurting me. I wanted so badly to convince him otherwise, but the moon was in full retreat, barely a fingernail clipping in the sky. I couldn't count on its call to help me persuade him—I was on my own.
“Lie…lie on your back,” I managed to say, pressing against his broad chest to push him down in front of the fire. “I'm going to get on top of you so we can at least go through the motions.” I wanted to do a lot more than that, but I couldn't tell him that—not yet.
Ben lay down on the top quilt obediently, his cock jutting from between his thighs like an angry exclamation point. I took a brief moment to admire him again, the shining lines of oil glowing against his tan, muscular skin like ancient runes, before I straddled his narrow hips and settled myself over his thighs.
“Now.” I lowered myself gently so that the swollen lips of my pussy were positioned directly over the base of his shaft. “I'm going to slide against you,” I told him, inching lower so that I could feel the heat of his cock against my open cunt. “And I want you to make thrusting motions while I do it. Just as if…” I bit my lip. “Just as if you were really inside me. Fucking me. Making love to me. Understand?”
Hunger Moon Rising Page 22