“And?” Kelly prompts.
“And I think Laken is a great deal smarter than I am because she knew then that the distance between us was going to be a lot to overcome. I talked her out of it. Talked around her. Got her to stick with it because I was probably naive and foolish.”
“Love is always naive and foolish,” Kelly scoffs at me. “It’s why it’s so crazy and scary.”
“Love?” I ask almost indignantly. “Who said anything about that?”
“I’d slap you if I was sitting closer to you,” Kelly says almost primly. “Stop denying it and focus on the real issue.”
Turning my head to avoid her knowing gaze, I look out over the Chicago skyline. I used to love that view, but I’m finding it lackluster these days.
I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m in love with a woman I can only hold periodically. In love with a woman who is deserving of more than I’m giving her.
Still, I don’t admit this to Kelly when I turn to look at her. Instead, and because my ex-wife is pretty much a genius, I ask her, “So what’s the solution?”
“Is distance the only problem?”
“It’s a damn big problem,” is how I answer her.
“Then get rid of it,” Kelly says as if that’s just the easiest solution in the world.
“Well, why didn’t I think of that?” I say with so much sarcasm that I actually feel guilty about it. Here my ex-wife sits, trying to help me figure out my love life. So I rein it in and apologize. “Sorry… but who is the one to get rid of the distance?”
Kelly shrugs. “As far as careers go, Laken’s is more expendable.”
That’s harsh, but it’s also true. Laken makes a pittance compared to me, and she could walk away from her small practice. She could easily land a job here in Chicago that would pay more. I, on the other hand, own a multi-million-dollar business with my main office in Chicago. I can’t just pack up shop and move to Small Town, USA.
But truly… that’s not really the problem.
“She won’t leave her family,” I say softly, finally letting out the words that actually make things a lot simpler. Knowing Laken, moving to Chicago is never going to be an option. “She won’t leave Whynot. It’s where she wants to be, and she wants that more than she wants me.”
Kelly’s eyes narrow. “You know that for sure?”
“I’m not one-hundred percent, but I’ve witnessed the bond she has with her family and that community. She’d have to be head-over-heels crazy in love with me to give that up.”
“Maybe she is,” Kelly suggests.
I shake my head. There’s no way or else she would have let me know. Besides, what reasons have I given her lately to be in love with me? We barely see each other, and our conversations are short and stilted.
“This is ridiculous,” Kelly says as she pushes from her chair. She comes to the edge of my desk, puts her palms there, and leans over to look me right in the eye. “Get your butt up, get to the airport, and go to Whynot. Figure your crap out with Laken and whatever you decide, stick to it.”
“What do you mean whatever I decide?” I ask cautiously. “I just said Laken wouldn’t come here.”
“Then you figure out how to move there if you really love her,” Kelly says, and the simple truth of that hits me hard.
“I couldn’t,” I blurt out. “My office is here.”
“So,” Kelly says. “Didn’t stop you from dropping everything here to work in Whynot when a baby goat needed you, did it? I would think Laken’s a little more important.”
And that statement right there is like a slap in the face, so much so I jerk backward. But still, I defend myself. “That was temporary. Just a few weeks’ time, and it was workable. You’re talking about me moving permanently away from my business.”
“A business that you can still travel back to when you need. Just make your permanent home there with Laken. Make her travel back here with you. It’s semantics, Jake. Quit trying to put everything in a narrow box and start thinking outside it. Isn’t that one of the things I taught you when you were in school?”
My lips curl up, and I nod. “You always preached innovation was the pathway to true success.”
“Then get freaking innovative and figure out how you can have it all,” Kelly suggests, as she turns away and starts walking to the door. “And I suggest you hurry and get to the airport before you miss the last flight of the evening.”
♦
It’s almost midnight by the time I pull into Laken’s driveway. All the lights are off in her house, but I didn’t expect anything different. I should have called or at the least texted her I was coming, but I somehow got it in my head it would be romantic to just show up as a surprise.
I figure she’ll be utterly charmed by me or she’ll mistake me for an intruder and shoot me.
I get out of the car. The minute I close the door, I can hear Herman start to bark from inside. I cringe slightly because, while I knew I was going to wake Laken up, I didn’t want to do it by having her dog go nuts inside. When I pull my duffle bag from the backseat, her porch light goes on.
The screen door opens and Herman bounds out, followed by a very sleepy-looking Laken. She’s stunning in a ratty old t-shirt that comes down to mid-thigh, and I recognize it as one of mine she must have pilfered when she was in Chicago. I’m close enough and the porchlight shines just right that I can see the look of surprise on her face to see me.
I shut the door just as Herman reaches me. His barks immediately quiet the minute he realizes who I am, and his tail starts wagging as he dances circles around me. The dog seems insanely happy to see me, and I wonder if his mama feels the same.
When I reach the bottom of her porch steps, I look up at her and say, “Surprise.”
“Indeed,” she murmurs and gives me a smile.
It’s all I need to trot up the four steps, drop my bag, and pull her into a hard hug. She squeezes me back with equal measure, and the message is clear.
She misses me the way I miss her.
Then my mouth is on hers, and everything is forgotten. All the worries and stress and exhaustion.
Everything in this moment feels right, and I know there’s no way in hell I can let Laken slip away from me. I just have to figure out how we both can have it all.
♦
Herman
On knowing my mom better than herself…
Jake’s here. Jake’s here. Jake’s here.
I run around him in circles and when he hugs my mom, I just grin at the two of them with my tongue hanging out of my mouth. I can actually feel the happiness radiating off her, and that’s not something I’ve felt in a long time.
I’m in tune with my mom.
Sure, it’s easy enough to know she’s mad at me by a certain tone of her voice, or there’s a look in her eye she gets when she actually loves my mischievous ways.
But I can read her even when she’s silent and staring off into space. I can actually feel when she’s sad or worried or stressed.
I don’t like it when she feels that way, and I’ve noticed she’s like that when Jake leaves.
Just like I can feel her joy washing over me as she puts her mouth onto Jake’s. That makes her extra happy, and my tail wags harder.
I hope Jake stays this time. I get mad when he leaves because my mom gets sad, but when I see how happy she is when he’s back, then that makes me happy, too. I had once considered biting him just so he’d stay away. I’d figured Mom would get over him eventually, but now I don’t think that’s the right thing to do.
I’ll try to be a good dog so he’ll want to stay, and then we can all be happy together.
CHAPTER 25
Laken
“Well, well, well,” Larkin says as I open the door to Sweet Cakes. “Don’t you look positively radiant?”
I didn’t study myself in the mirror all that well this morning after my shower, but if I look anything like I feel, then yeah… that’s a legitimate statement.
“
Jake flew in last night and surprised me,” I tell her as the door swings shut behind me. Larkin steps up to the bakery case and opens it, knowing I’m here for some pastries. “And give me just an assortment. Enough to feed me, Jake, Darby, Linnie, and Carlos.”
Laken starts filling a pink box, but she’s not quiet while she works. “That’s sweet he came in to see you. Romantic, right?”
Yes. Sweet. Romantic. Surprising. Uplifting.
I’m floating on cloud nine this morning.
Just waking up beside Jake made me feel happier and more at peace than anything I’d felt in a long time. All my worries just melted away. All my insecurities that he was losing interest evaporated.
How in the world I could have ever thought that with the way he made love to me for much of the night is beyond me, but he proved to me he is not pulling away.
“What are y’all going to do today?” Larkin asks as she straightens up from the case and puts the box of pastries on the counter. She closes it and tapes the edges.
“Jake suggested a ride to the beach,” I say as I pull my wallet out of my purse. “Spend the day there, then do dinner. Think you can swing by my house after work and feed Herman? Let him out to play for a bit?”
“Sure,” she says genially. Larkin is always the person I can count on, although she rarely herself ever asks for help. If she did, there would never be a shortage of people who would rush to her aid because she just inspires that in people. “Want me to just take him to my house for the night, that way you don’t have to be in a rush to get back at all?”
“No,” I tell her with a shake of my head as I hand over a twenty-dollar bill. “Jake’s got an early morning flight out so we won’t be out late. I just don’t know if we’ll be back in time for Herman’s dinner.”
Larkin makes my change and pushes the box of pastries at me. I grab them both and give her a smile.
“Have fun, Laken,” she tells me softly. “And talk. You two should talk.”
“Yeah, I know,” I say with a resigned sigh. As happy as I am right now and as good as I feel that Jake is here, I know when he leaves tomorrow a lot of my worries will return.
We definitely need to talk.
♦
“This is awesome,” Jake says as we walk along the shoreline. “The entire beach to ourselves.”
That’s not exactly true as I can see a couple in the distance walking toward us and we passed a few surfers a bit ago, but for the most part… it’s pretty deserted.
The sun has already moved over the western horizon, and it will be dark before too long. I’m not a fan of the shorter days that come with October, but I do love the cooler weather.
Jake’s hand squeezes mine, and I squeeze back.
“It’s been a wonderful day,” I say, not feeling in any rush to get back but knowing we’ll have to leave before long. “I don’t want it to end.”
“Me either,” he replies as he releases my hand to put his arm around my shoulder. He pulls me in and my arm goes around his waist. It feels just so right and magical, and I wonder how this can be sustained.
“We need to talk, babe,” Jake says with another squeeze, and I hear resolve and trepidation in his voice. All the magic and rightness of the moment dissolves, and my hands suddenly go clammy.
“I know,” I say softly, but I think my words may be carried away on the wind because they come out so meekly.
“Let’s sit down for a bit,” he says and veers me away from the water’s edge to the softer sand. We’re only about a hundred yards from where we parked the car on the other side of the dunes, but I’m grateful we’re staying on the beach. I’m already feeling the stress rise within me. Perhaps the calming ocean waters will ease it somewhat.
We plop down on our butts, side by side. I wrap my arms around my shins and tilt my head to look at Jake. He plants his bare feet in the sand, legs slightly spread, and rests his arms on his knees while he looks out over the water.
“Last few weeks have been tough,” he states the obvious. “Not seeing each other… I don’t think we can sustain.”
Even though I’ve been thinking the same exact thing, my stomach flips hard when I hear it from Jake’s mouth. There’s resignation in his voice. Fatigue, perhaps, that I hear. I worry because he’s saying these words without looking me in the eye and I realize in this moment… I have been waiting for Jake to come up with a solution because I don’t have one. I can’t seem to reconcile my desire to stay here in Whynot and lead an amazing but slow-paced life surrounded by my family with losing Jake in the process.
“I have to know,” he says as his head turns to look at me. “Can you ever envision yourself moving to Chicago?”
My heart contracts so hard it robs me of my breath for a moment, and that’s because the hope in his eyes hurts me more than anything.
The words won’t come out of my mouth, but I slowly shake my head.
He gives me an understanding smile and nods. I’m not telling him anything he didn’t know, but I could see he was hoping for an easy answer.
“I’m sorry,” I finally manage to wheeze out.
Jake blinks at me hard, turning so suddenly toward me that I rear back a little. But then his hand is around the back of my neck and he’s pulling me a little closer to him. He gives me a squeeze and bends down to peer into my eyes.
“Don’t be sorry for wanting what you want, Laken,” he tells me softly, but that doesn’t undermine the truth I hear in his words. “I know you’re not the girl with big-city stars in your eyes anymore. You’re all about the fireflies at dusk and the sounds of crickets as you go to sleep. No steel and concrete for you, and it’s actually one of the things I adore about you.”
My breath comes out in a rush and I sag against him, my head going to his chest. He pulls me in tight, but nothing is resolved.
“Think you could live in Chicago part time?” he asks quietly, and I go still. This isn’t something I’d considered because I have my business here. Jake has his there. How would that even work?
Lifting my head up, I look at him. “I’m not sure. I’ve got the clinic. And Herman… he’s a country boy. He’d hate the city.”
“I know,” Jake says with resignation. A dog certainly shouldn’t be a reason for keeping two people apart, but he accepts my concern.
I push away from Jake slightly only so I can turn to face him fully. I go to my knees, scoot across the sand to get closer to him, and then take his face in my hands. “I’ve fallen for you, Jake. I didn’t plan on it and going in, I knew this was going to be really, really hard to work through. And I’m just sorry I don’t have the right answers for us.”
“You’ve fallen for someone who is not part of your world,” he says, and I flinch from the sadness in his tone.
Jake may play at being a part-time farmer, but let’s face it. He is a steel and concrete guy. He has so much invested within his world in Chicago that I can’t ever ask him to give that up for me.
More importantly, I don’t hear a reciprocal declaration that he’s fallen for me, and that cuts deep.
I feel like my ship is sinking, and I make a flailing attempt to hang on to him. “Maybe we can still do the long distance. I can make an effort to do more weekends there. We can travel back and forth on the weekends. I’m sure we can make that work. There are plenty of people who have long-distance relationships on a permanent basis.”
Jake’s hands engulf mine, and he pulls them away from his face. His expression is sober when he asks, “And how does that work with a family?”
“Family?” I ask, confused as to his meaning.
“Yeah… family. Kids. How would that work?”
“Wait,” I say as I pull my hands from his. “We’re having kids?”
Jake rolls his eyes. “I want kids, Laken. A family. You know this, and you know that’s why Kelly and I divorced. I’m always looking to my future and if you’re in my future permanently, I would want that. So how would that work?”
My gaze drop
s to the sand. “I don’t know.”
“Can you give me anything, Laken?” Jake snaps, and my eyes fly up to his from the irritation I hear in his voice. “Because I’m trying for a solution, but you don’t seem willing to make any compromises.”
“Well, why should I?” I snap right back as I push up from the sand to loom over him. “I have no clue how you even feel about me. Most of our conversations occur in the form of short texts and here you are, wanting me to give up everything I hold dear, and I don’t even know what or who I’m getting in return. All I can seem to fathom is that your business takes up most of your time, and you want me to move to a strange place where the most interaction I’d probably get from you is nothing more than short texts.”
“That’s not fair,” he growls as he stands, and now he’s the one looming over me.
I look up at him, not backing down an inch. “It’s totally fair. It’s the whole point of this, right? That we’re from two different worlds and neither one of us fit in the other. And Jake… I’d never ask you to give up what you have in Chicago. I couldn’t. I don’t have that right.”
“That’s interesting,” Jake says as I note with dismay that his shoulders seem to sag in defeat. “I had no problem asking you to give up your life here to come to Chicago. I did it because I want to find a solution for us to be together. I don’t see you making the same effort.”
“Aaaghhh,” I yell out toward the ocean, completely frustrated with him.
Frustrated with myself, too, because I can’t seem to figure out how things got so far off track. The only thing I can figure is that we weren’t meant to be on the same track together at all.
“Let’s head back,” Jake says as he holds his hand out to me.
I don’t even know what that means. I thought we just had an honest conversation where we both concluded that we don’t belong together.
And yet he holds his hand out to me now, expecting me to take it.
I want to ask him what that means, but I’m afraid of the answer.
Barking Up the Wrong Tree Page 17