The Wisdom of Anxiety

by Sheryl Paul

  •When you have a loving parent at the head of the table, you can feel your difficult feelings — sadness, jealousy, disappointment, anger, frustration, loneliness, boredom — without being swallowed by them. You also learn that you don’t have to believe every thought that parades through your mind. And just because you have a thought, it doesn’t mean you will act on it. When you trust that you have an adult at the head of the table, you know that your thoughts are simply thoughts and that there’s a cavernous divide between thoughts and actions.

  •The loving parent validates the courage it takes to commit to inner work and reminds you quite often, sometimes several times a day, that to heal from the root requires patience, skill, and trust. Our fast-food, quick-fix, instant-gratification culture is eroding our capacity for accessing patience. In our warped sense of time, we expect relief now. We’ve lost our appreciation for slow-cooked experiences, from literal food to the emotional realm of soul. We no longer write letters and wait with anticipation for a response. We’ve nearly lost our capacity to be in any regard, from sitting by a fire with no sound other than the crackling of the flames to lying in the grass and staring out at the sky without a phone by our side.

  There is no way to rush healing. The soul, like animals, continues to move at its own pace, according to its own rhythm. This is a source of frustration to our modern minds, which have forgotten how to wait, but it’s the loving inner parent’s task to remind you to shift your focus a few degrees and slip into a new context, one that understands slow living and slow healing. In the space of patience, you will find a place to exhale.

  PRACTICEGROWING YOUR WISE SELF/INNER PARENT

  Your wise self is like a muscle, and the more you use it, the stronger it becomes. Every time you consciously recognize that you acted from a place of clarity and wisdom, your inner parent becomes stronger. In fact, it’s the recognition itself that strengthens this muscle, for just as kids need their caregivers and mentors to witness and acknowledge their intrinsic gifts and strengths, so our inner characters need to be acknowledged. Every time you engage in inner work of any kind, you strengthen your inner parent. Every time you exercise even when you don’t feel like it or move toward your partner despite the fear-walls that try to keep you separate, the inner parent grows stronger.

  A concrete exercise that can grow your inner parent is to begin to regularly and consciously name the other characters in your psyche that vie for the seat at the head of the table.

  Draw a long rectangle on a piece of paper and write “Loving, Wise Self” at the head, and fill in the rest of the seats with the supporting cast members of your inner world, the parts that make a lot of noise: Fear, Loneliness, Judgment, Arrogance, and the like. When you engage with any of these parts, you do so with the resolute commitment to keep your parent at the head of the conversation. We make room for Judgment, but we don’t let it run the show. We explore the churning waters of Fear while the parent holds the tether on solid shore.

  On one level, anxiety is your young self hanging alone on the clothesline to dry. As soon as you show up with a loving inner parent, even just by doing the exercise in this chapter, anxiety is reduced a notch or two. The more you grow this solid, grounded part of you, the less anxious you will feel.

  8

  THE REALM OF THE BODY

  This is your body, your greatest gift, pregnant with wisdom you do not hear, grief you thought was forgotten, and joy you have never known.

  MARION WOODMAN

  Coming Home to Myself: Reflections for Nurturing a Woman’s Body and Soul

  Our bodies are the vessels through which we receive messages and information, the temple by which we know ourselves. Like any temple, the greater respect we show for it, the more holy, and the more known, the space becomes. If our bodies are clogged with sugar, alcohol, and processed foods, if we’re not getting enough exercise or sleep, if our hormones are out of balance, the chambers in the temple become difficult to access. Conversely, when we learn to attend to our bodies and listen to its messages, we become more clear, and we’re more able to access the wisdom that lives in our innermost chambers. Oftentimes, anxiety will communicate to us via the physical realm, and the presence of anxiety is often a message alerting us to the need to take loving care of our physical bodies.

  When working with anxiety, I recommend starting from the ground up, which means starting with the body. Our bodies are foundational to wellness, so when anxiety pipes up, it’s best to ask, “Is there a basic body need that is asking for my attention?” When my kids are off-kilter in any way, I always inquire about the physical realm first: “Did you get enough sleep last night?” “Have you eaten enough protein today?” “Do you need to run around the block a few times?” “Have you eaten too much sugar?” I apply the same line of questioning to myself, with the addition of a question centered around hormones.

  The Physical Symptoms of Anxiety

  Because we live in a neck-up culture, we tend to ignore our bodies’ needs — until they erupt in physical illness or anxiety. In fact, one of psyche’s most efficient methods of getting our attention is to present anxiety through the physical body. Of course, sometimes a symptom is just a symptom (as opposed to a manifestation of anxiety), and it’s important to rule out any serious physical illness before engaging in the depth mindset that views symptoms as metaphors. For this reason, it can be incredibly calming and helpful to the anxious mind to have a full physical checkup and obtain a clear report before moving forward.

  If that last line triggered anxiety, you’re not alone. Whenever we’re talking about the physical realm, we’re in danger of tripping the health anxiety wire that says, “Oh, my goodness. She just said that this particular symptom could really mean there’s something wrong with me! I have to see the doctor tomorrow!” Hold on. Take a deep breath. Now take another one. Try to use this moment as an invitation to access your loving parent/wise self and imagine what you might say to calm the spike. This might sound like, “Yes, it’s so scary to think that I might have something seriously wrong with me (validation), but chances are high that I’m fine (reality). I’ve been here before. Remember when I thought I had [reference a historical situation where you called anxiety’s bluff]? It turned out I was fine. If I’m due for a full medical physical, then I will schedule that, but let’s keep reading and become curious about what else these physical manifestations of anxiety might be pointing to (curiosity).”

  As I shared in chapter 1, it can be highly calming for the anxious mind to read a list of how anxiety can commonly manifest physically, so that the next time your throat closes or you feel hot and sweaty, you can say, “This is anxiety,” instead of allowing fear to run off with the baton of a new catastrophic story. Let’s review a more in-depth list of the physical symptoms of anxiety.

  Common physical manifestations of anxiety include:

  •tightness in chest

  •feeling like throat is closing

  •difficulty breathing

  •difficulty swallowing

  •pit in stomach

  •lack of appetite

  •insomnia

  •body shakes, trembling, and chills

  •burning or itching skin

  •chest pains

  •exhaustion

  •feeling cold or freezing

  •feeling sick

  •feeling wrong, weird, odd

  •frequent urination

  •heart palpitations

  •racing heart

  •motion sickness

  •muscle twitching

  •nausea

  •headaches

  •head pain

  •tension in forehead

  •difficulty speaking

  •shortness of breath — like you can’t get a full breath

  •feeling of unreality

  •stomachache

  •digestive disorders

  •diarrhea

  •tightness in rib cage

  Many of these symp
toms can be manifestations of emotional needs and caused by aspects of your physical health that need attention. The most common areas of the physical realm that I see in my work that can cause and exacerbate anxiety are around blood sugar, food, alcohol, exercise, sleep, and hormones. For many people, anxiety can be a wake-up call to attend to these critical areas of self. Some basic reminders regarding these areas can help you as your loving parent steps up to the plate and decides what new, healthy habits might help create less anxiety and more well-being, mental clarity, energy, and equanimity.

  Low Blood Sugar and Anxiety

  We need a consistent balance of protein, carbohydrates, fiber, and minerals to experience optimal health. We also need to limit our intake of stimulants, especially if we’re highly sensitive people. By stimulants, I mean sugar, caffeine, alcohol, and drugs. What this looks like on a daily basis is some version of the following.

  •Eat a high-protein, low/no sugar meal with some carbohydrates within one hour of waking up.

  •Eat a high-protein snack every two hours.

  •Snack on vegetables as much as you want and enjoy some fruit.

  •Eat a high-protein, low/no sugar meal with some carbohydrates three times a day.

  •If you struggle with maintaining stable blood-sugar levels, you may need to eat a snack before you go to sleep.

  When blood sugar drops, it takes until the next morning for your body to reset. That’s why it’s so important to keep your blood sugar stable throughout the day by eating shortly after waking up and eating regularly throughout the day.

  Symptoms of low blood sugar include (from ):

  •Anxiety. “When glucose levels fall too low, your body tells the adrenal glands to release the hormone epinephrine (also called adrenaline), which signals the liver to make more sugar. The excess epinephrine creates an ‘adrenaline rush,’ which can make you feel anxious.”

  •Restless nights. “Nocturnal hypoglycemia, which is very common, can cause a number of sleep disturbances. Symptoms include night sweats, nightmares, episodes of waking suddenly and crying out, and feelings of unrest and confusion upon waking. A snack before bed can reduce the frequency and severity of sleep disturbances.”

  •Emotional instability. “Mood swings and sudden emotional episodes not typical of your normal behavior are among the neurological symptoms of hypoglycemia, including irrational outbursts, random or hysterical crying, uncontrollable anger, and a strong desire to be left alone. Mild mood changes that may not be as severe, such as general irritability or becoming easily annoyed, can also be a signal that your blood sugar may be dropping.” You may also notice that the feeling of nameless dread and intrusive thoughts become more pronounced when blood sugar drops.

  Given these immediate changes to your body when your blood sugar is off, you can understand why I recommend looking at the physical realm first when you want to address your anxiety. Trying to journal or meditate when your blood sugar has dropped is like trying to get a car to run by fixing the engine instead of checking the gas tank first. Your blood sugar is the fuel in your gas tank, and if you’re on the anxious spectrum, it would behoove you to keep it full.

  Food and Anxiety

  Many people notice a strong connection between what they’re ingesting and their anxiety levels. Just as parents must responsibly decide what goes into their kids’ bodies, so you, as the parent of your body, must decide what makes you feel good, clear, connected, alive, and loved and, conversely, what makes you feel anxious. Paying attention to what you ingest means asking yourself, “What makes me feel good in the long run? What helps me feel clear and alive, and what makes me feel irritable, anxious, and shut down?”

  Ask yourself and begin to notice how you feel when you eat, drink, or ingest:

  •sugar

  •caffeine

  •alcohol

  •nicotine

  •marijuana

  •chips

  •soft drinks

  •dairy

  •grains

  Ingesting stimulating substances will amplify your anxiety by amping up your nervous system. While caffeine and sugar don’t have a negative effect on everyone, I’ve found with the vast majority of my clients that when they reduce or eliminate these substances from their diet, their anxiety lessens and they find themselves more available to connect with themselves and those around them.

  It requires discipline to remove certain foods from your diet, but it’s part of learning to be a loving parent to your body as you say, “I know you would like to eat cookies every day, but I can see that they’re causing you to feel anxious or irritable, so we’re going to have to take a break from them.” Everyone has their own tolerance levels for toxins or allergens, so it’s important that you stay connected to your body and notice the effect that different foods have on your emotional state. There are no blanket rules when it comes to food; there’s only your particular relationship to food and your body.

  Note: It’s also easy for me to say, “Take a break,” but if food/drugs/substances have become a replacement for true nourishment (connecting inside) or a way to escape your uncomfortable feelings, then it’s no longer on the level of simply deciding to cut it out but has become more of an addiction. The work then is deeper and longer and requires consistently committing to tuning inside so that you stop abandoning yourself and learn about what it means to love yourself on all levels. This isn’t something that will happen quickly, but perhaps another seed will be planted that will inspire to you to take more loving actions on your own behalf.

  Alcohol and Anxiety

  “I had so much anxiety this weekend,” a client will share with me during a Monday session. “I had been feeling so good for the past couple of weeks, but this weekend, I seemed to have taken five giant steps backward.”

  “Tell me about your weekend,” I’ll say.

  “Well, my boyfriend and I went out with some friends on Friday night, and I had a couple of drinks. Then we went to a wedding on Saturday and drank a bit too much. I woke up Sunday morning feeling pretty crappy. And I spent the rest of Sunday with the familiar pit of anxiety in my stomach. All my familiar mental obsessions and ruminations came barreling into my brain: What if I don’t love my boyfriend enough? What if I’m gay? You know how it goes.”

  “Yes, I do. Any idea what triggered it?” I’ll ask, although I already know the answer.

  “Probably the alcohol.”

  “Yes, probably.”

  It’s astonishing to me how many times I’ve had this conversation with countless clients. And the solution seems simple: if alcohol is scientifically known to stir up anxiety, then eliminating or significantly reducing its consumption would reduce anxiety. Yet when I offer this suggestion, I’m often met with resistance. It’s not like when I suggest reducing or eliminating sugar, gluten, or grains. Those aren’t easy to eliminate, but they don’t occupy the same social status in our culture that alcohol does.

  We live in an alcohol-addicted culture. Alcohol is used as a social lubricant and has become such a crutch for most people to feel comfortable socially that they feel lost without it. The paradox is that while alcohol serves as a social lubricant and works in the moment to stave off anxiety, the aftermath of alcohol consumption, especially for highly sensitive people, is an anxiety hangover that often lasts several days. Is it worth it to sacrifice your mental well-being for a couple of drinks?

  Many of my clients share that they feel better when they eliminate alcohol completely from their lives. “I really shouldn’t have one single sip,” they say. Others feel fine with modified use of alcohol, meaning a half a glass of wine every few weeks. But in order to make these changes they first have to get past their resistance.

  Some of the resistance has its roots in the fact that they’ve always struggled socially and have self-diagnosed as having social anxiety. When I hear this self-diagnosis, I’ll ask the following questions: “Do you struggle when you’re hanging out in a small group of people or just in l
arge gatherings?” Just in large gatherings. “Do you struggle socially when you’re with a group where there is a common interest, and partying isn’t the focus?” No. “What’s your favorite way to socialize: with a small group, or one-on-one?” One-on-one.

  Then I’ll offer my new “diagnosis”: You don’t have social anxiety; you’re an introvert.

  When you know yourself and know where you thrive, you can stop trying to squeeze yourself into the culturally prescribed model for “cool” and “fun.” Clients will often share with me that when they stop drinking and partying on the weekends, their friends or roommates will poke fun at them for being boring. “So what?” they respond. “I’m not bored with my life. I’m happy, and I’m living without anxiety.”

  It requires courage to step outside the box. There can be no doubt that we live in an extroverted, drinking culture. When you step out of that model, you’re stepping out of the mainstream. But in making the choice to party less or not at all — which greatly supports your decision to reduce alcohol consumption — you’re making a very loving choice for yourself, one that not only honors your wiring, but one that places your desire for an anxiety-free life above your desire to fit in.