Lamb 2

by Ashby, Riley

  I pulled Maddie into my arms once more and started for the front door. The sooner we could get out of here, the better. There was a thump from behind the bedroom door, and I increased my pace.

  “I gassed up a car, it’s waiting—”

  “I’ll take my own.”

  “It’d be better to take this one. I made sure it’s clean. No trackers.”

  I stopped short, glaring at him. “And why the hell would I believe you?”

  “Because I have no reason to help you.”

  “That doesn’t exactly reassure me.”

  He continued walking past me, and I followed with reluctance. “Your father is one of the worst people I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing, Meyer. I’m a greedy bastard and he pays me well. But that doesn’t mean I lost my entire conscience. I want to get the two of you out here so I never have to see your faces again. I’ll deal with what happens to Eva some other way.”

  “You could have helped us. I begged you to help. And all this time you were reporting back to him.”

  “Not everything. He doesn’t know you tried to kill yourself twice, or that you hold her as if she’s the most precious thing you’ve ever owned.”

  I looked at her face where it lay against my arm, still writhing with anger and heartache despite the drug dulling her nervous system. “I should have killed him like you said.”

  “Yeah. You should have.”

  My lips were too dry. “How did you have all this ready?”

  He smiled ruefully, one side of his mouth higher than the other. “I guessed Eva would come. I just wasn’t sure how long it would take her to get here.”

  Maddie’s fingers twitched, as if reaching for something. I shifted her in my arms and looked back at Joshua. “Show me the car.”

  *

  I withdrew cash from an ATM near Conrad’s house, hitting the daily limit for how much I could withdraw, but I’d drive out of our way sometime tomorrow and get more. I wasn’t quite convinced he wouldn’t try to track us down, despite his promise to let Madeline go. Then I got in the car and didn’t stop for two hours, and only then because my adrenaline finally wore off. I was forced to pull off the road and check us into the motel that boasted in-room Ethernet and a seasonal hot tub. I asked for a room at the back of the motel. After making sure no one was peeking through their windows, I carried Madeline inside. Eventually, she came to on the bed while I played the pre-loaded Snake game on my brand new burner phone. She was silent except for her shifting as she tried to sit up.

  “Try not to move,” I murmured, and I rushed to sit next to her as she struggled to sit up. I had ditched my own blood-covered shirt and pulled on a new one, thanks again to Joshua.

  Ignoring me, she tried to sit up, casting her glance around the room as if expecting Conrad to reappear at any moment. “Where are we?”

  I placed one hand on her shoulder and pushed her gently back into the pillow. “The nicest room at the nicest hotel in a random town two hours north of the house.”

  “My stomach hurts.” She shrugged off my hand.

  Short term memory loss from the drugs. How much would she remember? “He cut you. I bandaged it.” I leaned closer, trying to catch her eye, but she stared directly at the ceiling as if I weren’t there. “Maddie, please look at me.”

  “This is your fault.”

  My elbow buckled slightly as I lost my strength for a moment. Suddenly, I didn’t want her to look at me. I directed my gaze to the side, resisting the urge to brush away the hair clinging to her cheek. “I know it is.”

  “We could have been gone. With my parents.” Fresh tears fell from her eyes. “But you ran away from me. You left me, again, after you promised not to. And now I’ve lost my mother forever.” She covered her face with her hands as silent sobs wracked her body. My hands reached out but I couldn’t bring myself to touch her, not when she was so grief-stricken and I was the cause.

  She sat with a sudden burst of energy, exploding upwards so fast she nearly hit my head with hers. “You ruined everything!” Her eyes shone with the force of her anger, as if she could incinerate me on the spot just with her gaze.

  My own breathing was too ragged; my heart bounced around my chest like rubber. “I know.” I reached for her shoulders, trying to keep her from leaping off the bed, but she wouldn’t hold still. She broke free from me and bolted for the door, but I was right on her heels, reaching over her to slam the door shut just as she pulled it open. I picked her up by the waist and spun around, putting her down on the other side, then put the flimsy chain on the door for good measure. I slowly followed her as she stalked across the room to stand by the dresser. “Let me look at what he did to you. You have other wounds we need to take care of.” Beyond what my father had done, she had a myriad of scratches covering her arms and legs from her flight through the forest.

  A shutter fell over eyes and the light disappeared. She hugged her arms around herself, back hunching beneath the faded shirt, entire body trembling like a leaf in the wind. “I don’t want you looking at them.”

  That was hopeful. She didn’t say she didn’t want me looking at her at all, just that she didn’t want me to see her injuries. Like she had before, the first time Conrad cornered her when she was alone. I’d been able to convince her to show me then. I could do it now. I took a step closer as I willed my wild heart to stay in one place. I needed to be the strong one now.

  “Maddie, you’re injured. Show me.” I was close enough now to place the tips of my fingers on one of her arms. Her skin was too cold.

  “No.” Tears flew from her face as she shook her head. I seized her shoulders as she tried to turn away from me, resisting the urge to shake her.

  “Remember? We’ve come through these bad things before. We can do it again.” Please, just let me touch you. I couldn’t stand this distance between us, the horrific gulf that had sprung up because of my own selfish stupidity. “Show me where you’re hurt. Let me look at it, at least.”

  “I told you, it’s too late.” She tried to shove off of me and I grabbed her wrists, then wrapped her up in a bear hug to subdue her movements. She beat her head against my chest, trying to separate us, but I squeezed her tighter. “You waited too fucking long, Meyer. And now I’ve lost my mother forever.”

  So did I, I thought as my heart broke a little more. “I had no idea she was going to do that,” I swore. “I haven’t been in contact with her. I never would have asked her to do what she did.”

  “He made me call her.” She lifted her head from my chest and stopped hitting me long enough to wipe her face. "She knew what was happening. I guess she trusted me in your hands far more than she did in his."

  I hoped that meant Eva still had some faith in me. Even knowing that I been left for over two decades with only my sadist father to raise me, she believed I was still good enough. That gave me a little glimmer of hope in my chest. My mother still loved me.

  "She wanted you to have a life."

  Maddie started to fight me again, and I trapped her between the wall and my chest.

  "Don't fucking say that to me, Meyer. She should never have had to sacrifice herself in the first place, and she wouldn't have if you hadn't walked out on me.” She was screaming too loud; someone was going to call management. Or worse, the police. I had to soothe her, somehow. “Better yet, you should have killed him and freed us all a long time ago."

  "I know."

  "But you didn't!"

  "I know."

  The admission seemed to mollify her, if only a little, and she stopped fighting even though she refused to lean on me. We stood like that for some time, her breathing into my chest and me trying to keep myself in check so that I could be strong for her. Not that she even wanted my strength. But I had to convince myself I was doing something positive for the both of us.

  "I need to see what he did to you."

  She sighed in resignation as I stepped back from her, finally giving her space to breathe, and offered up her right arm.
I helped her to gently feed it back through the sleeve of my T-shirt, then rolled up the fabric to look at her shoulder. She groaned and dropped her head against my chest at the pain the movement caused her. I made a mental note to check the bags Joshua had packed for us, placed carefully in the back seat of the car, for painkillers.

  “Jesus. Mads, I’m so sorry.” Her entire shoulder was purple, marbled with blood-red streaks. It was a miracle she could move it. “Does it hurt?”

  “What do you fucking think?” She came back to herself for a moment, shoving me away, but I pulled the shirt up and over her head. It was so big she slipped through the collar like it was nothing, and the entire garment fell to the floor once I moved it off her left shoulder. I moved my hand to her right breast, running my hand over the hard nipple. It was ringed with red bite marks.

  “Maddie…”

  “Don’t,” she sobbed, fingers digging into my biceps, but avoiding the bruise my father had left only a few days ago. Even in the midst of her pain she was conscious of mine. “I can’t take it.”

  “I won’t stop. I won’t accept that this is how we end. I won’t admit I fucked up so badly that you can’t bear to let me touch you.”

  I grabbed her face and kissed her harshly, twisting back her head so far she could barely move. With her hands freed from my hold she began to beat at my chest, but I pressed her against the wall again and she couldn’t get away from me any more.

  “Let me help.” I bit her lip but she yanked her head to the side, her copper blood exploding in my mouth. I moaned and licked my lips as I stared at her, resisting the urge to lap up the blood on her lip.

  “No one can help me now.” Her lip trembled as she stilled, hands falling to my biceps. She was doing her best to push me away, but her dark eyes betrayed her true feelings as much as they always did. Even from the beginning, she hadn’t been able to hide from me. And she sure as hell couldn’t now.

  I wiped away her blood with my thumb and brought it to my mouth. “You’re lying.”

  “Even if I am, how can we go back? Your dad…” Her eyes fell closed as fresh tears tumbled down her cheeks. “It’s too much to overcome.”

  “And haven’t we overcome that and then some by now? Together?” I claimed her lips one more, and though she still didn’t let me in, she didn’t fight me either. Her tears mixed with her blood, salt and rust mingling on my lips. “I can fix this. Let me try.”

  She shook her head, pulling her lips away from mine. “It’s not that I can’t bear it.” Every one of her sobs was a knife through my heart. “It’s that I somehow still want you even after what he did and I hate it. I fucking hate myself for it.”

  My heart stuttered. So there was still a chance. Everything wasn’t ruined, not yet. “Please, Maddie. Let me see you.”

  She whimpered as I stepped back again, hands on her in case she decided to try and move away, but she let me get enough distance that I could take in her entire body.

  There were bite marks all over her torso, places where teeth had torn open her beautiful skin and left broad scrapes and cuts. Dried blood crusted over where it had dripped down her stomach, smeared where she’d tried to wipe it away. The bandages I’d applied at the house were soaked through.

  “Stop looking,” she begged, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away. I remembered the way she’d felt in my hands the night I brought her home. The fascination of my alcohol-addled brain with every laceration and bruise. Back then I hadn’t been able to articulate what I found so alluring about her marred skin. Now I knew. It was the realization that she was breakable, and that anyone at all could hurt her. It wasn’t just me. I couldn’t hurt the people who hurt her, so I tried to find solace in admiring the colors that bloomed on her skin like a field of flowers. She was brittle, but I wanted to be the one to protect her. To save her.

  Even now, I couldn’t hurt the person who hurt her.

  But I could hurt someone else.

  The thought terrified me down to my very core. But it was necessary if I wanted to fix us, to bring her back to me. I had to hope that what I asked her to do didn’t break me past the point where I couldn’t move on either, or we’d both be damned.

  She froze as I reached for her, but I cupped her face as gently as if I was handling shattered glass. And despite everything she’d said, how angry she was with me for what I’d done to put us in this position, beneath the anger in her eyes I could see the trust she still held.

  “Hit me.”

  Meyer

  The words came out as a whisper. She stared blankly for a moment as she absorbed my words, then her mouth dropped open.

  “What?”

  I swallowed past my fear. “Take it out on me. God knows I deserve it.” I tucked a strand of filthy hair behind her ear so I could see her face better. “I can handle whatever you need. Give me all your frustration, all your anger…” I trailed off and swallowed thickly. Please. I’ll take everything.

  “No.” She shook her head furiously, letting go of me long enough to wipe the tears from her face. “I’m not going to do that, Meyer. I won’t ever hurt you like that.”

  The unspoken accusation hung between us like dead weight. I had hurt her like that, and gladly, before I understood that she was the only part of my miserable life that made it worth living.

  “I want you to.”

  “Don’t lie to me,” she snapped. “We’re beyond that now. If you can’t tell me the truth, there really is no hope.”

  She shut her mouth as she realized what she’d said. If it was still possible for me to shatter the last of her faith, that meant there was some left right now. Maybe only a little bit. But it was there.

  “Hit me.” I pushed her back against the wall again, crushing her with my torso, and kissed her. She wigged her hands between our bodies and pushed against me uselessly. She was strong, but no match for me, and she knew it. When I broke our kiss to look at her again her pupils were wide, reflecting my own face back at me. “Give it back to me, everything he did to you tenfold.” I bit lightly on her earlobe, trying to give her a little bit of pain. Just enough to spur her into action. I couldn’t handle her tears anymore; they were killing me from the inside out.

  “I don’t want to.” Her voice had changed, was slightly breathy now, and I placed one hand over her breast lightly before squeezing it. My fingers pressed onto her skin, feeling a point hotter than the rest, and I knew I’d hit a bruise. She groaned and grabbed my wrist, trying to pull my hand away, but she couldn’t move me. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “You won’t,” I whispered. “Not the way I hurt you.”

  “So we just go tit for tat, back and forth until one of us dies?”

  “I think my ledger is a bit more in the red than yours.” I kissed her forehead, taking that contact where I could. “I deserve this, Maddie. I deserve whatever punishment you have to dole out. Go ahead, just … try it. One time. Then I’ll let it go.”

  She swallowed as she looked up at me, fingers tapping against my bicep. Her eyes flicked across my face as she thought through what I said, then landed on mine as she made up her mind. Her closed fist landed with a thud against my chest. She waited for a second, watching my face for a violent reaction, but I held myself as still as I could.

  Then, the frayed thread that had been holding her back snapped in two.

  “I said I loved you and you left me.” She hit me again, harder this time, knuckles sinking into my muscle. “You left me for him even though you knew he would be coming for me.”

  “I did.” No excuses. No minimization of my actions. Even though deep down I wanted her to be waiting for me like a lovesick puppy, I knew also that Conrad would eventually hunt her down. He had given up too easily in my office, let us walk out without enough of a fight. The bruise on my arm where he’d hit me smarted as if to protest my belittlement of what he’d done to me, but it was the truth. The only reason he hadn’t dragged Madeline out by her hair right then was because Shawn was around and h
e’d already seen too much. “I’m sorry.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  I kissed her again, or tried to before her palm met my cheek and shoved me away. The soft sound of the slap reverberated through the room like a gunshot.

  “Like that,” I encouraged her. The blow didn’t scare me. No, the soft feel of her hand on my face spurred me on, because it meant she was breaking. And if she broke apart, maybe I could crawl my way back inside her, find that piece of my soul I’d left within her before I’d even realized a part of me was missing. “Harder. As hard as you want.”

  “It’s not you I want to hurt.” It was a protest, and admission.

  “But I’m the only one here. I’m the only one you can do it to.” I put my lips against her neck, sucking skin and muscle into my mouth, and her hand went around my own throat and squeezed. “Did he do that to you, too?”

  “Shut up,” she snarled. The tears in her voice had dried. “I told you to leave me alone.”

  “I did that once. Look where it got you. Look where it got us.” I bent at the waist, licking gently at one of her stiff nipples. She sucked in a breath, chest rising to my mouth. “I thought once that I would destroy you, Maddie. But do you see what happened instead?”

  “Someone else got to me first.” She grabbed my hair and wrenched my head back, then shoved her other hand against my chest so hard I was forced to stumble back. But I was in front of her again in a moment. I lifted her and leaned back, spurring her to wrap her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist.

  “Not completely.” I set her on the dresser, knocking over the hotel phone and the glasses wrapped in plastic left for our use. I pulled my shirt over my head and then grabbed her hands, placing them on my bare skin, and pressing her nails into the flesh. “You’re not running from me.”

  “You never did quite understand consent,” she snapped, but her nails pressed into me as she dragged them down my front, leaving red marks in their wake. Here and there spots of blood jumped forth. Instead of shying away she wiped some with a finger and licked it, staring at me as she did so.